Please Read What's Written On My Profile Before Continuing.

Everything Below this line is old.

Hetalia is the property of Hidekaz Himaruya. Support official release.

Britain tucked America (the full grown 21st century America, not the child) into bed and sighed deeply wondering why on earth he was even at his house. It was his stupid birthday tomorrow and America wouldn't stop pestering him (and every other nation) to come. However, Britain came early thinking he could visit and then skip the whole thing. It didn't work

"Ok, go to sleep or you might miss your party." Britain groaned as he got up to leave.

"Yo! Iggy!" America called like a little kid. "Before you go, can you tell me a bedtime story?"

Britain looked at him like a moron "What? What are you bloody twenty years old?!"

"If you don't tell me, I'll troll your MySpace page!"

"I don't waste my time on the internet like you bloke!" Britain frowned. "Especially on a nonexistent website like that!"

"Oh really?" America said smugly, "Then what's this?"

He pulled out his laptop from under his covers and opened it to a very inactive MySpace profile page. It showed a flying green bunny as the profile image and read:

BRITAIN

Likes: Scones and Tea

Dislikes: America and sodding frogs

Hobbies: Making the best food on the face of the planet

"How the hell did you find that?!" Britain shouted.

"Some guy named….Sea…land? Sent the link to everyone's email. You're pretty sad man!"

"Ok." Britain scowled sitting back on the bed in anger. "So…once upon a time, there was a hyperactive, irritable, insensitive, loudmouthed imp of a monkey named Alfred…"

"Laaaame!" America shouted, "That's so unrealistic! Tell me something better!"

"…..FINE." Britain sneered. "Once there was a…princess named Belgium White and…she lived in a beautiful castle with her big brother Prince Netherlands. But one day, Prince Netherlands became ill and died from lung cancer and Queen…uh…I don't know! Belarus came and took over!"

"Waitwaitwaitwaitwait!" America shouted, "Where the heck did Queen Belarus even come from?"

"The bloody kitchen cabinet!" Britain snarled. "So shut up! Anyway, Queen Belarus didn't like how pretty Belgium White was becoming so one day, she consulted her Baltic mirrors…"

"Mirrors mirrors on the wall!" Queen Belarus chanted to the three mirrors clustered together. "Who's the fairest of them all?"

Three timid faces of a blonde man with glasses, a long, brown haired man, and a smaller man with dirty blonde hair showed up in the mirrors. They started trembling and sweating in fear. That's right…the mirror sweated.

"Um..er…" the Estonia mirror quivered. "Nice day today isn't it?"

"Whose the fairest in the land?!" Belarus growled.

"Well…um." Lithuania mirror stammered. "H-hey! How bout' a game of hungry-hungry hippos?"

"You don't have any hands." Latvia mirror pointed out. "Besides, isn't Belgium White the fairest in the land?"

"Oh be quiet!" the two other mirrors cried out. They looked to Belarus in fear as an aura of pure evil started suffocating everyone on the room.

"How dare she!" cried Belarus crushing the iron rod in her hand into nothing more than a metal sheet. "How dare that Belgium become more lovely than I!"

"How is that her fault?" Estonia mirror asked. "I mean, it's not really anyone's fault she looks the way she does."

"SHUT UP!" Belarus demanded snapping the iron rod in two with a single hand. The Baltic mirrors let out whimpers of fear. Belarus paced the floor and finally returned to her ridiculously large throne. She clapped her hands twice and in the room came a tall, silver haired man who on his own would have intimidated anyone, but now was trembling before his queen.

"Da?" he asked hesitantly while bowing low as his white scarf draped on the ground. "What would you like me to do Queen Belarus?"

"I want you to take Belgium White into the woods and kill her!"

"Hold it!" America shouted.

"What now?!" Britain griped.

"She's going to kill Belgium White just for being hotter than her? That's stupid! Just get plastic surgery! Duh!"

"Well, I guess you don't want me to finish huh?" Britain growled.

"No way! Keep going! I just hope it doesn't get stupider."

"I want you to take Belgium White into the woods and kill her!"

"But…" the royal hunter Russia interrupted. "What about the sunflowers? No one flowers like Belgium!"

Belarus became irate. "Are you saying you want to marry me?" she asked. Russia leapt to his feet and bowed quickly.

"I'll do what you ask my queen!" and he ran out the door.

A short while later, the hunter Russia took Belgium White into the woods and was preparing to stab her with his magic pipe.

"kolkolkolkolkolkolkolkolkolkolkol…..I-I can't do it!" he cried. "I could never kill anyone who plants sunflowers so lovingly!"

"What's going on?" Belgium White asked. Russia grabbed her skirts.

"The Queen Belarus wanted me to kill you because you were the fairest in the land! But I can't! You made all those wonderful sunflowers bloom at the castle! I could never kill you!...If only you were China…"

"What should I do then?" Belgium White asked. Russia pointed to the woods.

"Run away! Flee and hide yourself! Don't worry! I'll make a ruse so the Queen won't suspect anything.

"So Belgium White ran off into the woods and the hunter Russia shot a deer and took its heart to bring back to Queen Belarus for proof of her death. Then…"

"A deer? That's it? It would be totally easy to figure out she wasn't killed!"

"Oh what the bloody hell!? Whatever you want! So Russia killed a deer and he…uh…dropped a nuclear warhead to clear the evidence!"

"Niiiiice…" America bobbed his head in approval.

"Meanwhile, Belgium White ran and ran into the woods until she came upon a little cottage in the woods, upon discovering it, she…"

"Wait!" America sat up. "Make it a Las Vegas flat with, like, a tequila bar and a hot tub!"

"Whatever!" Britain shouted. "So she came upon a Las Vegas flat, somehow present in the middle of the woods in the Dark Age of Europe, went inside and became very tired. She found several little beds clustered together and decided to sleep on them for the night. When she awoke she found she was surrounded by seven little dwarfs. They told her their names were Doc, Happy, Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, Bashful, and…

"Awesome-y!" America interjected.

"What?!" Britain exclaimed.

"Yeah, make the seventh one Awesome-y so Prussia can be in it! Oh! Can the Dwarves be like the Axis guys?"

"Yeah sure, whatever floats your boat."

"I am Doc" said the dwarf that resembled Germany.

"I am Awesome-y! And I am awesome! Kesesesese!" the silver haired dwarf shouted.

"I am Happy-kun." The Japan looking dwarf said very calmly without showing the slightest amount of emotion. "And this here is Sleepy-chan." He said gesturing to a snoozing dwarf layered in cats that looked like Greece.

"Hello…I'm…" began one dwarf that looked a lot like Canada.

"I am Dopey!" the dwarf resembling Italy shouted. "And this here is my brother Grumpy!"

"What the hell is this damn broad doing in our house!?" the Romano looking dwarf shouted.

"Oh!" Belgium smiled, "Six little men!"

"Well actually, there are seven of…" Bashful Canada started.

"That's right!" Grumpy Romano interjected. "It's our house so get the hell out of it!"

"Grumpy-san." Happy Japan said gently. "It isn't polite to ignore a guest like this."

"I'm not ignoring her! I'm trying to kick her out!"

"Oh please let me stay!" Belgium pleaded. "If you do I'll cook and clean for you! My brother taught me how to keep everything very neat and I can make good waffles and chocolate!"

"What about pasta?" Dopey Italy asked.

"I think I can do that too." Belgium nodded.

"Ve! I like her! Let's have her stay!"

"I like waffles. They're almost as good as panca…"

"This is sooo awesome!" Awesome-y Prussia shouted "We get a pretty woman to live with us! Kesesesese!"

"So Belgium White stayed with the dwarfs. However, Belarus felt that something had gone wrong and decided to check with the Baltic mirrors. When she discovered Belgium White was still alive, she cloaked herself in black, took a basket of apples, and headed into the forest. The dwarves were away mining diamonds, so they were…."

"Mining diamonds?" America raised an eyebrow, "What is this, Africa?"

"MINING DIAMONDS…!" Britain continued forcefully. "So they were unable to be with her when Queen Belarus came. Belgium White was rather surprised to get a visit from a strange woman, but she…"

"Wait, you mean she didn't recognize her?" America interjected. "The woman tried to fricken' kill her! How could you not see her?"

"BUT SHE WAS FRIENDLY TOWARDS HER ANYWAY!" Britain nearly screamed.

"Would you like an apple?" Queen Belarus asked holding a bright red one out to Belgium White.

"Oh joy!" Belgium White exclaimed. "I can make a big apple pie like the ones my brother loved so much!"

"Why don't you try them first?" Queen Belarus asked.

"That doesn't sound suspicious at all! I'll do it!" Belgium White took an apple, bit into it, and instantly felt faint.

"Oh my! I totally didn't see this coming!" Belgium White whispered as she fell to the ground.

Queen Belarus laughed evilly and headed back to the castle. After a while, the seven dwarfs returned to the cotta-…Las Vegas flat and instantly were grieved when they discovered she was dead. So they build a beautiful coffin and placed her in it, but since they were really lazy, they didn't dig a hole to put her in and let her body out to rot.

However, a dashingly handsome and romantic man came in riding on a bull.

"Who are you, you damn tomato bastard?!" Grumpy Romano shouted.

"I am here to save the day mis amigos!" Prince Spain announced. "I will give this lovely lady the kiss of life!"

"How did you even know how to get here?!" Doc Germany asked.

"Because plot demands." Prince Spain answered and kissed Belgium White. Belgium White awoke and looked around.

"What…What happened?"

"You were dead, but I defied the laws of nature and brought you back to life by kissing you. Will you come with me and be my bride?"

"Well…I don't know you, and I'm under-age…but you're pretty handsome so I guess so!"

"So Belgium White, Prince Spain went to the castle on Spain's bull. And…"

"On a bull? Come on, let's have something a little more cool!"

"Ok, they went in a bomber plane and…"

"Boring!" America shouted. "I said something cool, not lamer!"

"You know what?" Britain barked as he got up from the bed. "If you don't like it, why don't you finish the bloody story?!"

"Ok!" America smiled. "So Belgium White and Prince Spain warped back to Spain's badass lottery building in their spacecraft which had the American flag on it and shot a heat seeking missile at Queen Belarus which caused her to dissolve into a black hole and they all became one with the force!"