This is a short oneshot about Jed and Ockie. It isn't very long, and not grand, just some cute fluff. XD Enjoy!
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I have a question. It is a question of doubt. Of fear. Of uncertainty. It questions something important. Something important to both of us...to me. It is something that should never be questioned, but in my heart and mind, it is a question. A painful question.
I...I questioned our friendship. I questioned the thing I hold dearest to me. The thing that brings me joy, and comfort and...recently, pain.
You would never intentionally hurt me. I know that. Of course I know that. But, at the same time...you have. But how can I tell you this without you taking my words the wrong way?
Sometimes, I hide my pain. I hide my pain from you because I fear giving you pain. I know that is what you are there for, and that you would be furious with me if you ever found out. But how can I give you pain when it is just as equally my responsibility to keep you from it?
The source of pain is fear. Fears of the future. Fears of things that have not even happened. Things that may never happen. I fear fears that are unimaginable, that would test us to our limits if they ever came true. So many fears that break me down into pieces.
What fears? Fears about us. About a change. What if you change someday? What if you get married and start a life for yourself, and I become less of a priority? I know, that is terribly selfish of me. But it is insecurities like these that break me, like a whip across my back.
I want you to be happy, but at the same time...I want to be happy too.
What if you go down a path I simply cannot follow? I do not foresee this happening, but what if you become reckless- more reckless than usual- and do things that I can not even imagine doing? A crime, for example. What if you become a criminal, and I have to chose between you and what is right?
What if...what if one day you wake up and decide that you do not want me anymore. That I hold you down. That my constant worrying affects you so badly that it physically pains you to be around me?
What if my fears become so overwhelming they shut me in, while effectively shutting you out? If...if my fears make you uncomfortable, if my constant insecurities push you away from me out of annoyance, or even your own fears.
Man was never meant to ask why. I never should have asked why. But I did. I do not know why, but I did. And now, I wish I never, ever had asked.
What if you see these fears and question my loyalty? Question how important you are to me? Question everything we have ever been through.
We have been through so much. Life, loss, pain, joy...if we lost all of that, what would we be? What would happen to all of those years we had been together? We have survived car accidents, hourglasses, falls, eruptions, Tablet failures...what if we forsake all of those things out of fear?
In London, at the British Museum, when I asked for your hand...I wanted your reassurance. I feel close to you, like a brother. I did not mean for the gesture to seem odd. Your reaction alone frightened me.
Is there such a thing as being too close as friends? Can friends be too close to each other? Maybe we...maybe I...should take a step back. It feels like I am mothering you sometimes. I know you find my protectiveness overbearing.
You can not imagine how terrified I am to lose you. Whether it be your fault, or my fault, or no one's fault. Just the idea that, in a day, a week, a month, or a year I might not have you by my side scares me.
What if...what if something physical happens to you? What if you get hurt and...and I lose you. That trip you will be making soon, with the traveling exhibits- you thought I was acting out of jealousy when I told you I did not want you to go. Sure, I was disappointed that my exhibit had not won the competition- but, the truth is, I am terrified of you going away.
What if something happens to you, and you are far from home? How can I get to you if something awful happens? If you get hurt, or lost, or...or worse, I would not be able to live with myself.
I know what you will say. You will say- "Damn it, Ockie, why do yah always blame yerself?" The truth is, I do not know why. I guess I just...feel responsible, is all. I feel like your safety is something I need to be concerned about, that your well-being is something I need to watch over.
And that mentality taxes me.
There is so much more I could say, so much more I could tell you. But I am too afraid to do so. I do not want to tell you anymore, for fear of what you might think. The last thing I want is to end our friendship. So, I shall remain silent.
Silence is better than words.
Jedediah put down the journal, mulling the words over in his head. The look on his face was one of surprise, and...confusion. Did Octavius really think he was that shallow? No, of course he didn't; but the knowledge that his Roman friend practically feared their friendship was...disturbing.
Jed had to get to the bottom of this. Whatever was bothering his Roman friend, making him feel this way, needed to be fixed. If Octavius was going to suffer uncertainty, then Jed was going to stop it.
Tucking the journal in his vest pocket, he put his Stetson back on his head and casually left the general's quarters. Nobody seemed to pay him much notice, so he continued on his way to the tunnel. Once he was through the tunnel, he walked across his exhibit to the edge and waited patiently for one of the larger inhabitants to notice him.
After a few moments, he spotted Larry making his rounds. The night guard paused in front of the Mayan exhibit to settle a dispute, before moving on to the Western exhibit, like he always did.
He stopped when he saw Jed, and smiled good naturedly.
"Hey, Jed," Larry said, giving him a small wave.
Jed waved back, also offering a smile. Of course, his was more forced, since there were things on his mind. "Hey, Gigantor. Good to see yah. Would...yah be available by any chance?"
Larry frowned. "I mean, if you mean free to talk, yeah."
Jed sighed and reached his hand into his pocket, fingering the journal. "Yeah...I wanna talk. It's...kinda important."
Larry frowned again, but set down his hand, allowing the cowboy to walk on. He finished his last few rounds, then made his way to his office. He shut the door and sat down in his chair, setting Jed on the desk.
"So...what's up?" Larry asked.
Jed sighed and sat down on the edge of the wooden desk. He folded his hands in his lap, kicking his feet slightly in the open air. "It's...it's about Ockie."
Larry raised an eyebrow. "Octavius? I saw he wasn't with you tonight. What's wrong with him?"
"I...I really don't know." Jed hated to admit that he didn't know what was hurting his friend, but it was the truth. "He's just...somethin's wrong wit' him."
"Has been acting strange?"
Jed rubbed his chin and thought back over the past few weeks. "A lil' bit. He's been...a lil' down, a lil' depressed, I guess, an' he hasn't been as talkative wit' me, an' he hasn't wanted ta go out as much lately, either."
Larry scratched his head. "You know Octavius better than I do, but...that's not that unusual for him. He's more reserved and quiet anyways."
"Yeah but not like this." Jed insisted. He pulled the journal out of his pocket and handed it to Larry. "Look."
Larry pinched the tiny book between his fingers, another frown appearing on his face. "Uhm, Jed...you know it's too small for me to read…"
Jed sighed and took back the book. He read it aloud, every word. Rereading it hurt just as much as the first time he had read it. Hopefully, Larry could help him fix this.
"That's...that's a problem." Larry said quietly.
Jed's heart quickened, but he made himself take a deep breath. "What's wrong wit' him?"
"He seems a little anxious," Larry observed. "I know because Nicky's been going through a similar phase. I think all of those close calls you guys had might be putting a strain on him."
"I jus'...I never knew he felt like this," Jed admitted, holding the journal close. "I feel...guilty, fer not seein' this sooner."
"Well, you know now...so what are you going to do about it?" larry asked in a fatherly way, hoping the cowboy would come to his own conclusion.
Jed thought hard, rubbing his chin and looking down at his feet. "I gotta talk ta him 'bout this. Let him know nothin' bad's gonna 'appen."
Larry nodded slowly in agreement. "Go talk to him, Jed. Let him know you'll listen."
"I will."
Larry carried Jed upstairs and set him down in his own exhibit. He crawled through the tunnel into the Roman diorama, spotting his old friend sitting on the fountain. He grinned and waved at him when he looked up, Octavius giving a wary gesture of greeting.
"Hey, Ockie," Jed began, sitting down beside him.
"Hello, Jedediah." Octavius replied quietly.
He avoided his gaze, which did not go unnoticed by the cowboy.
"So, Ockie...we need ta talk." Jed began slowly.
Octavius lifted his head to stare at him, a guilty look flashing across his face. "You...found the journal?"
Jed pulled the journal from his pocket and nodded. "I did. Ockie...why didn' yah tell me these fears?"
"I did not want to worry you." Octavius replied dully. "I did not wish to cause you your own fear, or to think of me as a coward."
"I wouldn't've thought of you as a coward," Jed said quietly. He put his arm over his friend's shoulders. "I don't think of you as a coward. You're mah brother, Ockie. And ta know you're too afraid to talk ta me 'bout yer fears it...it kinda hurts me, yah know?"
"I know." Octavius whispered despondently. "But...none of these fears have proof of existence, and I do not understand why I fear them so often. They...they are ruling my life, Jedediah."
Jed opened his mouth to respond to this, but paused when he saw the tears threatening to fall from his friend's brown eyes. "Aw, Ockie…" He pulled him into a tight hug. "Don' be like this."
"I am not as strong as I want to be," Octavius admitted with a sniffle. "I mean, look at me- I am sitting here before you on the verge of tears over something that-"
"Its real ta you." Jed finished. "Ockie, yer strong, don' think yah aren't. It's okay ta be afraid."
"But...I fear silly things." Octavius sniffed, wiping his eyes. "Like...like you moving on with your life. Like...like you not having enough time for me."
Jed smirked and almost laughed, causing the Roman to frown in confusion.
"Ockie, that's bullcrap, and yah know that." Jed assured. "Yah think I could jus' pack up an' forget you or somethin'?"
Octavius bowed his sadly and nodded. "Y-Yeah."
"Well, yer thinkin' wrong," Jed scolded. "An', Ockie, 'bout that trip ta Paris-"
The immediate fear in Octavius' eyes was not lost on Jed as the Roman quickly lifted his head.
"Please, Jed, I do not want you to go on that trip." Octavius blurted out. "It is not safe, not in the slightest. You will be traveling so far away, and with everything that is happening in the world...what if something happens and I never see you again?"
Jed sighed and shook his shoulder. "Ockie, you been watchin' the news?"
Octavius sighed and nodded. "Yes. I know all about what happens outside this museum. On those...giant planes."
"Nothin's gonna 'appen ta me, Ockie." Jed promised. "We won't be goin' far."
"I know…."
"Hey," Jed put his hands on his friend's shoulders, forcing him to look in his eyes. "Listen ta me. There ain' nothin' fer ya ta be worried about. I'm gonna be fine, kay?"
"Promise?" Octavius persisted.
Jed smirked and gave him another hug. "I promise."
Octavius smiled, but then frowned and pulled away. "I should not be fearful like, this nor should I be the way that I am."
Jed frowned. "What're yah meanin'?"
"I mean…" Octavius shifted himself and gazed out across the diorama. "I should not be weak like this. I am a man, I am supposed to be strong- I am a Roman man, a Roman general. I should not be open to weakness."
Jed narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips. "Yah know, that's a stupid way ta think."
"You think that too." Octavius accused.
Jed raised his hands in defense. "Yeah, I kinda do. But listen; yer...yer my best friend, kay? I'm not afraid ta be weak 'round you. An'...an' I don' wan' you ta be 'fraid ta be weak 'round me, yah understand?"
Octavius nodded, folding his hands in his lap.
Jed smiled and gave him another small shake. "Hey, yah don' gotta be strong 'round me. Ya've seen me at mah worst; I've seen yah pretty bad. It ain' gonna change nothin'."
"I...suppose it would not." Octavius managed a weak smile. "But, Jedediah...what if this happens again? What do I do if these fears keep coming for me?"
"Don' let 'em eat yah," Jed said simply. "Talk about 'em. I'm always here for yah, an' I'll always listen. Yer bigger than them."
Octavius' smile grew until he was beaming. "I...suppose I am."
Jed smiled and gave him one last hug. "That's better. C'mon, Ockie- let's go ridin'."
"I would love to go." Octavius decided. "But before we do...Jedediah, please stay out of my journal."
Jed smirked and held up the book. "What, this journal?"
"Jed!"