Warning. Brain cell loss imminent.
A Gift from Papa Chrom
The box talked. It seemed to have a terribly misplaced sense of humor and absolutely no self-esteem. It thought for itself and called her Minion. It claimed that it could dance, but all it did was make noises that were similar to a giant droplet of water landing in a lake while flailing its thin arms and scooting back and forth on its single wheel that, for all its odd intelligence, it seemed to balance perfectly on. It also had the most grating voice she could possibly have imagined. Inhuman, and yet sounding like an overexcited teenage boy.
It was the strangest thing Robin had ever seen in her life.
"What was your name again?" she asked.
"Wow, you must be really stupid if you don't know who I am! Most people remember me pretty easily!" the thing cleared its non-existent throat. "I am CL4P-TP, stewardess robot! But all my friends call me Claptrap. Anyway, I have a package to deliver. The writing says that it's a gift from Papa Krom, whoever that guy is."
"Chrom? Do you mean Lord Chrom?"
"Sure, whatever! Does he have a kid?"
Frederick had probably already handled the thing's request about collecting 139,377 rocks, she had already defeated herself, the destroyer of worlds, Olivia could do the dancing, and they could repaint a staff and place it on top of another staff, claiming it was from Mt. Schuler. Chances are the thing wouldn't be able to tell that it was just a regular heal staff put on top of a mend staff.
But for the life of her, Robin could not figure out one thing.
"What's a 'badass skag'?"
"You don't know what a skag is? You have to be dumber than bricks!"
This little piece of-
She bit it in and continued to listen.
"Skags are gray four-legged beasts that eat everything without prejudice. They also vomit things back up if they can't digest it because they don't have a fully developed digestive tract. I call them mouth-poopers."
"And… what makes a skag a 'badass'?"
"Oh, it's usually a bigger mouth-pooper and out to kill you more than its non-badass cousins."
Beautiful.
The door to the barracks opened to reveal Frederick. "Robin, I have brought the rocks."
"Great!" The thing glided toward the man on its single wheel. "Lead the way! Oh, and can you help me count them? I never passed grade school."
"Whoa! You have pink hair! Are you a Siren, or is that a genetic defect?"
Robin could not tell if that was a pick-up line or an insult. She should probably keep it away from Henry.
Olivia jumped in fright before ducking behind Robin. "I-I-I-It talks?"
"Yes, it does," she painfully admitted. "Now then, Olivia, as we agreed upon."
"B-But you didn't say the box would talk!"
"I recall you wanting a theatre, no? I'm sure I can speak with Lord Chrom about… donating to your cause."
Olivia's face scrunched before taking the offer. "O-Okay…"
"Remember, Olivia, it's not even a real person."
And with a solemn closing of her eyes, she began to dance. It was enthralling as always, but it gazed at her, its strange single eye unmoving, its thin robotic arms falling to its side. When she finished, the box did not move, only stared.
"Um… C-Could you please stop staring?"
It did not budge. Robin could see the red smudges on her cheek ballooning beyond reason, spreading to the tips of her ears and nose.
Finally, it spoke.
"Wow. Will you marry me?"
Yup, definitely needed to keep it away from Henry.
The box eyed the makeshift staff with suspicion. Its eye seemed to be shifting and rotating, but she was unsure of what exactly it was seeing.
"So, this is the staff, huh? I imagined it being more staffy."
"What?"
"Come on, Minion, use that brain of yours. You know what I mean!"
"I don't see how this could be anything but 'staffy'," She almost seethed.
"Well, where are its bells and whistles then? I mean, it can't be a staff if it doesn't have at least three secret compartments!"
The box picked up the staff, attempting to raise it to its full height. But with a sick snap, the two staves fell apart.
A short silence followed before Robin managed to take advantage of the situation.
"You just broke the staff of Mt. Schuler!"
"I didn't mean to, I swear!"
It took everything she had to not break out into mad giggles. "Thousands of years old! What will I tell the scholars who were safekeeping it?"
"Um… uh… Oh, I know!" Its arms collapsed into itself and a flap of metal closed over its lens. "Stealth system activated!"
As if by magic, the box began to vanish from sight. "If you can't see me I didn't break it," it nervously sang.
Too bad she had seen Kellam do the same thing hundreds of times over. All she needed to do was squint just a little bit aaaand-
There.
She gave the box a light tap with her foot, shoving it over onto its side.
"Ow! Minion, what was that for?"
"Well, I did bring you the staff of Mt. Schuler. We should get going to the next part before the scholars become suspicious."
"Oh, good idea! But uh… could you help me up?"
The next bit took a bit of finagling, but she finally managed to get it done.
"Whoa! What kind of skag is that?"
Robin figured that this was the closest thing Ylisse had to one.
"Her name is Minerva."
"You have a pet skag?"
"Cherche does, not me. She rides it."
"Riding on a skag? That sounds incredibly boring!"
"If you would, Cherche," Robin gestured at the box.
"Dinner time, Minerva," the rider cheerfully egged on. The wyvern roared and clamped down over it, swallowing it in one clean gulp. Muffled screams seemed to come forth from the inside of Minerva's belly before a strange serenity claimed its voice.
Then a moment later, as part of the plan, the wyvern vomited it back up.
"Ewewewewewew! It just pooped me from its mouth!"
"Cherche defeated this skag long ago and now rides it as her mount." Robin walked up and patted the snout of the beast. "I'm sure this would fulfill one of your conditions, no?"
After finally convincing the thing that when she defeated herself on top of Grima's back she saved the world from the destroyer, the talking box finally gave in and delivered the package.
"What's this?" Lucina said, carefully picking up the strange metal contraption. It was made of metal and had had a grip with an elongated tip with a hole in the center of it. "It makes me think of a crossbow."
"I don't know!" the box cheerfully replied. "I don't actually get to handle these things. My software only allows me to deliver them."
"Software?"
The box turned to Robin. "God, is everyone as dumb as you here?"
That's it.
"Lucina, may I see that?"
The princess handed the strange object to Robin. Without hesitation, the tactician pointed it at the talking box and pulled the trigger. Immediately a bolt of lightning loudly shot into what could have only been its face and for a moment it seemed to dance, arms flailing and single wheel turning erratically.
"AUWIBUBLIWIWAUPUDUAGALILILGIIIIIIII-"
And then it fell over, unmoving.
"Someone get this thing to Miriel. I heard she wanted to know more about it."
She knew it was probably far from dead, but the soothing silence in her ears would certainly do for now.
She appreciated the new toy, though.
A/N: Hope your brain is still in one piece. I'm sorry if you had to sit through that and didn't find it at least mildly entertaining.
But yes! I bring you the first (and probably only) Fire Emblem x Borderlands cross over fic! I had actually thought about this way back about a year or so ago and gave it as a challenge fic to Viral020 because I had too many things planned out on my plate. However, I am under the impression that he gave up on it, and with the next Borderlands game coming out, it had to be done.
I also really wanted to throw in a joke regarding Handsome Anna, but maybe that will be saved for another short ditty like this in the future.
Still, I hope you had fun!
I do not own Fire Emblem or Borderlands.
Cya around!