I am obviously not the creator of The Lord of the Rings. The creator of The Lord of the Rings is 3 things I'm not. He's brilliant, a linguist and dead. Notice the differences.
On the other hand, I did create this parody. Steal this story and I will hunt you down and junk-mail you. You have been warned.
Without futher ado, enjoy.
Chapter One: No Singing!
It all began with a ring.
Well technically, it began with a pissed off slave named Sauron who had been told by society his entire life that elves were the equivalent of Valor Dung (which in the early days of society, could get you quite far) and if Sauron went to court in the American Justice system, he probably would have gotten away with genocide and the torturing and killing of all free people's because it was all societies fault.
He created rings. 9(for the jury, doomed to die), 7(for the bailiffs' and their rules like stone) and 3(for the lawyers who were all going to hell) and one for himself, who he considered to be above all others.
Unfortunately, the Mailing System in Middle Earth was never what you would call accurate and instead were sent to 9 men, 7 dwarfs and 3 elves.
As the dark force of Mordor became er...darker, so did the men. (Not so for elves and dwarves. Let's just have the weakness of humanity rubbed into our face why don't we?) Sauron took over several villages and other nonimpotant places, always making sure just to kill the extras and never any of the important characters or their lineage.
Then one day, a couple of elves and men had a secret council (that is to say, they went to bar and got drunk) and decided they really didn't know this Sauron chap very well and then some Gondorian who had been so hammered he couldn't find his arse mentioned that he had never voted for him, and one thing led to another and the next thing you know that is an alliance between elves and men.
Well, they went up and knocked on Sauron's door hoping to bring democracy to the poor broken down shack that was Mordor and low and behold a war started.
Truth be told the elves and men didn't stand a chance. They hadn't really thought this through and lacked a plan of attack, doctors, and supplies. They also lacked a decent exit strategy. (Which would prove to bite them in the but later.)
The alliance was scared and losing when Elendil rushed toward Sauron like a madman.
Sauron looked around.
"Wait a minute. Isn't someone else supposed to attack me first?" Sauron frowned as he realized Jackson had cut Gilead from the movie. Some purist would be having a heart attack after this.
Sauron shrugged and easily batted away Elendil with his sword.
"Father!" Isildur rushed to his daddy.
"Isildur my son! Quick! Take Narsil and kill Sauron to avenge your dear old dad!"
"But father!" Isildur whined "I don't want to fight! All I want to do is sing!"
"Now stop that! There is no singing on a battlefield! Now listen to me you useless old queen! You go and avenge me or else-MY SPLEEN!" And with that, Elendil died.
As Isildur made a grab for Narsil, Sauron stepped on the blade, effectively breaking it.
"oh-HO. What you going do now that I broke the pointy. Hmm. Gonna poke with your toothpick aye? You're a pansy!"
Now, even though Isildur was indeed, a pansy, he never much liked taunting and in his rage, accidentally saved Middle Earth.
"Ha, ha. Learn to aim will you? The ring is on my ring finger not my middle finger you id-"
He was never able to finish his taunt for in the middle of his rant, Isildur tried again, this time getting the right finger. And the war was over.
Now, Isildur could have just destroyed the ring right then and there but then there would be no need for The Lord of the Rings books, movies, action figures, game cards, fan sites and even this parody.
The world would have probably still been better off.