A/N: So, this is my first fanfic. I had this great idea of a Muckraker reporter (who's not Jacob Ben Israel) interviewing people in the summer after the second season, trying to find out if the rumors he's heard about Santana and Brittany are correct. At least I thought it was a great idea. And as soon as I thought of it, I knew that the first interview had to be with Lord Tubbington. So, tell me what you think. Don't be afraid to criticize. I've spell-checked it (except the slang-y words, which aren't technically words at all) and checked the grammar and everything. Naturally I don't have a Beta, but I like to edit and proof-read my own stuff anyway, so…
Well, enjoy.
Muckraker Interview #1, 5:30 PM 7/12/2011: Lord Tubbington
Interviewer's notes: I have copied here the exact words that Lord Tubbington, Brittany S. Pierce's cat, said in our recent interview, with only a few minor edits, which include toning down the level of his curses and insults and fixing a few grammar mistakes. Lord Tubbington's major actions during the interview are in italics and are placed inside *asterisks*, and my questions are not marked down as most of them are implied by Lord Tubbington's responses. I find this interview very intriguing, as Lord Tubbington's sudden bursts of defensiveness and unwillingness to answer certain questions may imply that my suspicions are correct: some of our most popular ladies here at McKinley have some secrets that we may be one step closer to knowing the answers to.
I don't hate her! *Fur fluffs out, snarls* Are you writing this down? Just in case, ima tell you again. I. Do. Not. Hate. Santana. Lopez! If ida known this was gonna come up, i woulda never, ever agreed to do this interview! I just thought, that maybe, finally, you were gonna realize that the Tubbington deserves some recognition. But no, of course not. You all just wanted to know why the hell I hate Santana so much! Well I don't. Everybody says she's a bitch, but I disagree.
Oh, you wanna know why I disagree. Why I think she ain't a bitch.
Well, lemme tell you, straight up. *Sits down and lays tail across paws*
Santana Lopez is not a bitch. Santana Lopez is scared as hell.
What is she scared of? You really sure you wanna know?
Well I'm not telling you. That's right, you heard me.
Wait, you'd give me a cigarette if I tell you? Well maybe…lemme think about it.
Anyway, back to the reasons that I DON'T hate her. *Crosses paws*
Number one: She sneaks me her daddy's cigarettes.
Number two: She's hot as hell.
Number three: She's hot as hell. *Lies down*
Number four: She's hot as hell. Yeah, you're right, I should probably get to the point. Alright…
Number five: She loves Brittany. I mean, she really cares about that girl. Almost as much as me - Almost. Not quite. I don't think anyone loves Britts as much as I do, but she comes close.
Did you know that she climbed in Britt's bedroom window once? *Nods* And Britt's bedroom is way, way up on the 4th floor. Santana had to use the oak tree to get up, and lemme tell you, she's petrified of heights. I swear she almost died from terror. But Brittany was havin' a hard time with that asshole of a boyfriend of hers - what was his name again? Arthur maybe? Stupid name, Arthur *Shakes head* - and Britt's parents wouldn't let Santana stay over to make her feel better. So Santana risked near death to get in there.
I tried to help Britt myself, but for some reason it just wasn't the same. I guess when somebody who seemed so darn nice calls you stupid, it hurts too much for a cat to fix. She said that he was the only person at that awful school who had never ever called her stupid, but that's not completely true. Santana's never called her that neither. As a matter of fact, Santana once kicked Karofsky right in the nuts for calling her stupid, back when they were just seven. Lemme tell you, he never messed with Brittany again.
*Fur fluffs out again angrily and raises head* What's your problem? Can't I be honest? No, remembering something that happened seven years ago doesn't make me old. I was only three! Maybe your brain is so full of gossipy fluff that you don't remember addition and subtraction. Aren't' you supposed to be in High School? *Sighs* Well lemme refresh your memory. Three plus nine is twelve. Twelve is not old!
Yes, we can continue with the interview, if you stop being rude. Good, I'm glad we understand each other. *Relaxes slightly again*
Oh, you want to hear more stories about Britt and Santana. Are you ever going to ask about me, or is this all just gonna be about them? Fine. So that's how it is. Well, I don't think that's exactly fair…not that you care about a cat's feelings. No, it's always: 'Oh, Tubbs is so cute!' and 'Oh, do you want some tuna fish, Tubbs?' I don't even like tuna fish! I prefer salmon! But do they bother to ask? NO! Of course not.
Excuse me? I will stop griping when and if I want to, thanks very much. *Rolls eyes* No one bothers to think about me, no one really understands me. Except for Brittany. Santana kind of gets me, though. No actually she really gets me. It's like she's the female human incarnation of me. She says just the right things to cheer Britts up, things that I would be saying if Britts could understand me! And Santana never tries to make me eat tuna fish! And you're wondering why I don't hate her. Ha! *laughs*
I have to admit though, I am a bit jealous of her. Why? Well, she's a girl and I'm a cat, but she gets Brittany and I don't.
What! No! I hate homophobia! That's not what I meant at all! Who said Santana was lesbian anyway? NO ONE, that's who! It's just….I'll never get to hold Brittany like that. NO I'M NOT IMPLYING ANYTHING! Jeez! What I mean is…. I'll never get to comfort her. She'll never care about me as much as she cares about Santana. And that's because Santana's human….well mostly human, anyway. Some people say she's part demon, but I don't believe that for a second. They don't really know her. ….God, I wish I were human. Or, better yet, I wish Britts was a cat. No, actually I don't…Britt is perfect just the way she is. I shoulda been born a human…I'm always playing second fiddle to Santana, to Arthur or whatever his name was. To any other guy - or occasional girl - that Britt sleeps with.
What? No, I wasn't implying that Britt and Santana sleep together! Where did that come from? Hell dude you really need to clean up your mind. You're so obsessed with anything that could possibly be sex-related...
Oh just shut up and get on with the questions.
When did they meet? Oh, I think they were about six years old…the two of them met in the park one day, and the next thing I knew Santana was sleeping over and and getting invited to Brittany's birthday party, and they were inseparable. I was just a kitten then, but I remember that Britts talked about her all the time. I shoulda known then…
What? It's none of your business what I shoulda known! Stop poking your beaky nose where it doesn't belong, Jewfro!
Yes, I got that one from Santana. No, I'm not comparing you to Jacob Ben Israel. Sheesh. Chill your small bones. Oh really? Well they're a hell of a lot smaller than mine! I WAS REFERRING TO MY BONES, NOT MY WEIGHT YOU CREEP! *Takes a deep breath*
Okay, so where were we? Oh right. They met in the park…Brittany was playing in one corner, drawing on the pavement with pink, purple and blue chalk, alone, because all the other kids thought she was stupid and crazy. Santana's dad had just transferred here from L.A. - I know, pretty sad, right? Moving to Lima from L.A.? Talk about culture shock - and it was her first time at the park. She saw Brittany playing alone, and went over to talk to her. You would not believe how incredibly adorable Britt was back then. She had these little blond pigtails, and the pretty blue eyes, and her mommy dressed her in the cutest outfits. I think I had a crush on Brittany from the first moment I saw her. And god knows I'm not the only one.
No, I'm not going to tell you who else! Are you crazy or something? *Shakes head again*
Anyway. Santana went over to Brittany and asked if she could play. Brittany responded saying: "I'm not playing. The Rainbow Fairy's sick, and so I'm helping her out by making rainbows for her."
*Chuckles* I can just imagine the expression on Santana's face - a little confused, but kinda curious too. So then Santana says: "You can't make a rainbow with just pink, purple and blue. Rainbows have seven colors."
And Brittany looks up at her, confused, and says: "The Rainbow Fairy doesn't like red, orange, yellow, or green, so she tries makes them without those colors. Didn't you know that?"
And Santana shakes her head and sits down next to Brittany, then she says: "But then why do you always see rainbows in the sky with seven colors?"
And Brittany goes: "Because if they were in the sky without those colors, then Santa, the Fire Fairy, the Tooth Fairy, and the Tree Fairy would be mad. So she makes sure to use all the colors when she puts them where everyone can see. But I'm making this one to give to her as a present, to cheer her up."
So Santana thinks about that, and then smiles, picks up a piece of chalk, and they draw rainbows until Santana's mama makes her go inside.
How do I know all that?
Because Britts tells me everything. I mean, everything. I know her better than she knows herself.
What? I don't know. Santana knows her pretty darn well too, and in ways that I don't and never could. Don't even thinking about asking that question that's on the tip of your tongue, mister. You know my answer will be no, of course not you moron, so what's the point of even trying? Let's get on with it; Britt gets home from dance camp soon and I don't want you to be here when she does.
I woulda thought it was obvious. Because Santana's driving her home, and probably staying over too, and if she sees that I've let a nosy Muckraker idiot into Britt's bedroom, she'll freakin' kill us both. I take it you get my point. Well at least that's one thing we can agree on…
Alright, so what else do you want to know?
*Leaps to his feet, fluffs out his fur* WHAT? HAVEN'T YOU HEARD A WORD THAT I SAID YOU IDIOT? HOW CAN I TELL YOU ABOUT SANTANA AND BRITTANY'S FIRST TIME WHEN THEY DIDN'T FREAKIN' HAVE ONE? How many times do I have to tell you that no, they do not sleep together? Are you deaf or something? What, do you think I'm just saying that 'cuz i like to talk? Not that I don't like to talk, cuz i do, but that's not why I'm saying that! It's the freakin' truth!
Didn't your bossy, big-nosed Jewish mommy tell you to listen when other people are talking? NO, I didn't get that one from Santana. I can think of things on my own, you know. Cats aren't stupid. No, I don't have anything against your mother. No, I'm not racist, I'm just a cat of the world. Wipe that smile off your face, you idiot. I've probably seen more Jews than you have, and lemme tell you, all the women are hot with dark hair and big noses and brown eyes. No, technically I'm not a person, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO BE RUDE ABOUT IT! Yes, it was totally rude. You don't have to keep reminding me that I'm not a person! I already know, that's why she gets Brittany and I don't, that's why she can comfort Brittany and I can't, that's why Brittany loves her instead of me, that's why I'm so jealous, and that's why everyone thinks I hate her!
But I do not hate Santana Lopez! And since she trusts me, I will not tell you why she's scared, and I don't give a freak about any cigarette in this sick little world.
So keep this interview or out of the paper, or so help me I will freakin' END you.
The end. Goodbye. Shut off the mic and get the hell out of my house. This interview is over. *Pounces on the mic and everything goes quiet*