ATTACK OF THE LAWN GNOMES
Minx and Jasmine, Kat's pet cats, were curled up in their little basket fast asleep. The girl decided to emulate them and was having a catnap of her own. She was curled up in bed with a smile on her face. She then heard the door open as a small form scampered into the room.
"Mama! Mama!" the little cute voice called, "Look what Uncle Grant got me!"
Kat cracked her eye open at her daughter, who she had adopted 6 weeks ago and had grown into a 6 year old child due to her accelerated growth rate brought upon by her mutation. The mutation also gave her pointy ears, slit pupils and a tail. She was dressed in a black dress and wore a bow in her short and dark purple hair. This was Cathy. Originally, she'd been named Nekokage but for the forged birth certificate and adoption papers, she was named Catherine Hasuma Wilson. She was called Cathy for short.
"Koneko-chan, can you please show it to me later?" Kat yawned. "I'm taking a catnap."
"But, Mama, I wanna show you something!" Cathy whined cutely. "Please, take a look. Pretty please…"
Kat couldn't refuse her daughter for any reason. She had grown attached to the girl as soon as she'd found her and raised her to the best of her ability, spoiling her with love and affection while Slade was a strict disciplinarian. However, the little girl's cuteness could melt the man's heart and he became like a doting (grand) parent to her nonetheless.
Kat decided to just give in and do as Cathy asked. She looked at her daughter and then the little girl showed her what Grant had given her. She responded with a blink.
Cathy was holding a lawn gnome in her hands.
"Grant gave you a…lawn gnome?" Kat questioned. Cathy nodded, beaming. "Why?"
"Oh, he was busy shooting at these things when I came by. They were so cute so he gave me one!" Cathy explained. In her young and naïve little mind, she'd confused Grant's attempt at getting rid of her as a gift. To her, Grant had performed a gesture of generosity. Kat knew better but didn't want to break the girl's heart.
"O…K…" Kat began and she just looked at the lawn gnome. It had a white beard, a smiling face, a tall pointed hat, and wore the garbs that people imagined gnomes would wear. It didn't look all that cute to her in her own honest opinion but she wasn't one to burst her daughter's bubble. She was feeling lazy to do anything and bored…she just wanted a catnap and then her daughter came to her, bothering her with a lawn gnome.
Boredom…
Bother…
Lawn gnome…
ONE lawn gnome…
Very mischievous…
A lot of people have lawn gnomes…
Army…
Kat grinned.
"Cathy, do you want me to bring your little friend to life?" Kat asked her daughter whose eyes sparkled at the suggestion.
"You'll do that? Really?" Cathy smiled.
Kat reached over and focused on the Power of the Rat which granted Motion to the Motionless. She tapped the lawn gnome on the forehead and in an instant he began to move. Cathy let him go and the lawn gnome jumped around, speaking in its own tongue, singing and dancing. Cathy laughed and applauded.
Kat's mind was forming a plan. "I'm not going to be bored tonight…"
A week later…
"Titans, I've gathered you all here on a serious matter," Robin began as he stood before his team.
"It always is with you," Pluto quipped, earning a glare from Shadow to be silenced.
"There have been reports of mysterious disturbances plaguing several suburban communities close to the city," Robin continued, "Because of this, we've been called by the local police to check it out."
"It could be vandals, right?" Draco questioned.
"If it was mere vandals, I doubt they'd be calling us in for this," Shadow retorted logically. He asked Robin, "So, why are these reports mysterious?"
Robin coughed into his fist and then said, reluctantly, "Several witnesses claim that the disturbances were caused…by lawn gnomes."
Everyone blinked.
"Lawn gnomes?" Beast Boy repeated, "Dude, is this a joke? Because if it is, it's definitely not funny."
"Friends, what are gnomes of lawn?" Starfire asked.
"Small porcelain figurines depicting little people that people place around their house as lawn ornaments," Raven answered.
"Seriously, Robin," Cyborg said, looking skeptical. "Lawn gnomes?"
"This is what they claim have been harassing them, Cyborg," Robin spoke seriously. "Even I have my doubts but we've seen a lot of weird things."
"More so than others," Shadow mumbled.
"What sort of disturbances are we talking about here?" Draco asked.
Robin picked up a list and read, "The witnesses claim that these…lawn gnomes…have been disturbing the peace like so."
Urinating on flowers
Crudely flirting with women
Getting drunk
Brawling with each other and/or the local men
Kicking people in shins.
Riding/tormenting cats/dogs/rabbits/people
Teasing small children
Making faces at people
Damaging private property
Running around naked
Tying people's shoelaces together
Riding lawnmowers
Destroying other lawn ornaments
Everyone couldn't believe what they'd heard. That was some list.
"So, are we talking REAL gnomes here or midgets?" Cyborg asked.
"They prefer the term 'little people', I believe," Pluto supplied.
"Whatever, so…what are we really dealing with here?" Cyborg asked. "I mean those people can't be serious about actual lawn gnomes doing all this, right?"
"Frankly, Cyborg, I don't know what to believe anymore," said Robin, still holding the list. "Here, this is footage from one of the security cameras at the scene. See for yourself."
The video clip showed a scene of utter chaos. Little men in red caps and brightly colored clothes were running amok. Actually… scratch that. Most were just wearing their caps and nothing else. They ran around hooting and screaming, occasionally crashing into each other and starting a brawl, or crashing into a human and starting a mob-convergence.
They pulled faces at small children and made them cry, attacked other lawn ornaments with berserker fury, and gleefully peed, stomped, and rode lawnmowers around on various flower beds. A few were also calling out lewd comments to any human women they saw and flirting with them rather crudely. These events usually ended with the human woman blushing furiously, kicking the lawn gnomes, and then running away shrieking when they continued to pursue her.
Yet more lawn gnomes were staggering around, singing horrendously off key as they clutched bottles of what appeared to be strong alcohol. Where they got the alcohol was apparent as one saw the broken windows and smashed apart liquor cabinets. The rest were just running around, tying people's shoelaces together, and then kicking them in the shins. They seemed to enjoy betting on how many times they'd have to kick a human before he finally lost his balance due to the shoelaces and fell down. The gnomes who lost the bet generally took out their fury on the downed humans. It was not a pretty sight.
Shadow was the first to break the silence. "Well, as far as I know, gnomes don't like to attract attention like this."
Draco nodded in agreement, saying, "Gnomes usually like to stay out of sight while causing mischief. They don't want to be seen and they don't cause mischief without reason."
"And well, they generally come out at night since they're nocturnal," stated Shadow.
Everyone stared at the two though they shouldn't be surprised as the duo came from supernatural backgrounds.
"How do you two know so much about this?" asked Mortuary in wonderment.
"A distant relative from my father's side of the family is a gnome," Shadow answered. Mortuary stared at him. "I don't care if you don't believe me but it's true."
Raven remembered seeing a gnome amongst the guest at the Akuma Clan's reunion and vouched for Shadow, "It's true."
"And I learnt a lot from some friends of mine," Draco answered, referring to Jake and Juniper.
"So, what do you think they are?" Robin asked.
Pluto answered, "They're robots!" Everyone stared at him. "Hey, I'm just saying it could be small robots."
"That was my first guess!" Beast Boy spoke up.
"Do you really think it's robots?" Shadow asked, skeptically.
"Hey, I know magic exists, but even science can explain this," Pluto said firmly. "It's robots, plain and simple."
"Or regular lawn gnomes given life via magic," answered Draco. "I mean we've seen it happen."
"Draco, that wasn't magic. That was Pluto's attempt at making a sculpture but he used a robotic endoskeleton and it ran amok on campus," Shadow reminded.
"Oh, but then it could be robots too," Draco shrugged. "But I think the main point is to stop them before things really get out of hand."
"I agree," Jinx nodded.
"These disturbances must be ceased!" said Starfire strongly.
"So…what's the plan?" asked Blackfire.
Robin opened his mouth to reply when he was cut off by the alarm as the lights flashed red. "Dammit!" he cursed.
Pluto went to the console and said, "It's the perimeter alarm. We've got intruders. T.I.T.A.N., bring up visuals from all external cameras."
The images showed up on screen and the Titans just stared.
"You have got to be kidding me," said Mortuary.
There were lawn gnomes, hundreds of them, surrounding the Tower. They were also armed with rakes, pitchforks, shovels, clubs and torches.
"What do they want?" Draco asked.
"I'll bring up the audio," said Pluto as he tapped the keyboard. "OK, now we can hear them."
"KILL THE TITANS! KILL THE TITANS! KILL THE TITANS!" the lawn gnome army chanted.
"I think we can understand what they want, loud and clear," said Jinx dryly.
"Hey, they even have a battering ram and are trying to break the door down," Draco pointed.
"Won't work," Cyborg smiled proudly. "Me and Pluto reinforced the door. Ain't nothing coming in through those doors unless we let them."
"They could always climb the Tower," Shadow pointed.
"Oh…there is that," Cyborg nodded. "But they still can't get in!"
"Pluto, can you run a scan to see what these things are?" Robin asked.
"Running a scan, and done!" said Pluto. "OK, according to the scan they are lawn gnomes!"
"We know that!" everyone shouted.
"No, I mean these are those novelty lawn gnomes that people put on lawns but they've come to life somehow. I don't sense any technology being used at all," Pluto explained.
"Magic…" Shadow thought about it. "Of course, it's her."
"Her?" Mortuary asked.
"Copycat," Shadow clarified. "She's got the Rat Zodiac Power to bring inanimate objects to life."
Draco sighed. "Oh…she's just bored and wants to have fun." Now he understood.
"OK, how do we stop the lawn gnomes?" Terra asked. "They're looking really mean right about now."
"We can either do Cyborg's method, a frontal attack and start blasting them apart," Shadow said. "Or…we could try some diplomacy. These things are intelligent so maybe they can be reasoned with."
"OK, but who's crazy enough to go out there and risk getting hurt?" Pluto asked. Everyone looked straight at him. "Why is everyone looking at me for?" He realized, "Oh, goddammit."
Pluto, in armor, stepped out one of the Tower's glass windows. "OK, just talk to them, it's not going to be a problem." He called, "HEY, LAWN GNOMES!"
"And you're sure he'll be alright?" Blackfire asked.
Shadow replied, "He's invulnerable and he's immortal. What could possibly go-" They heard Pluto scream. "-Wrong?"
They looked at the main screen to see the lawn gnomes attack Pluto viciously by tackling into him before they started kicking at him. His armor protected him, thankfully, but he was screaming because they were beating him up.
"GUYS! HELP ME OUT HERE! GUYS! GUUUUUUYS!" Pluto wailed. "THEY'RE GOING FOR MY EYES! OW! OW! OW!"
"Diplomacy has failed," Shadow concluded. "Robin?"
"Teen Titans, Go!" Robin commanded.
The Titans charged into battle against the horde of lawn gnomes who not only fought back, but made lewd comments against the girls as they continued to sexually harass them all throughout the battle, commenting on their curves and what they wore under their clothes. It was the most embarrassing and uncomfortable battle the girls ever had to endure. Even Raven hated it when a lawn gnome commented on her fine legs because of her leotard and how the leotard really showed off how busty she was. One even said Starfire looked like a stripper which made Robin angry. A few even groped Jinx and Blackfire, and they got blasted by the two former villainesses.
In the end, the Titans were victorious as lawn gnomes lay in pieces all over the island. Draco picked up a lawn gnome's head and sighed. "Such jolly creatures, but she used them for evil." Jinx patted his shoulder. "There, there."
Copycat had attacked them with lawn gnomes, but the only law she could've broken was disturbing the peace. That didn't carry a heavy sentences and she could always deny her involvement if the matter was brought to court, not that she would allow herself to be arrested and brought to court.
"Well, that was a bust," said Kat as she watched everything through her computer monitor. "Still fun, though. I think I'm gonna put it up on YouTube."
Her motivation for such a useless exercise? It was simple. She did it only for fun and to antagonize the Titans. Nothing more and nothing less. That's Kat for you.
"Now, what to do next?"
KAMEN RIDER CHROME: I started writing this idea years ago but never got around to finishing it until I realized what could be done. It's done. Kinda cracked but this was written just for fun. It doesn't have to make sense. You just need to enjoy it and use your imagination. Oh, and have a Happy New Year.