DISCLAIMER: Don't own them, though I wish I did.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ok, I wrote this some 10 years ago, so it is VERY classical (as far as fanfics are concerned) and melodramatic. No surprise there, just what I wanted to see (at the time) after this episode I loved. I know I don't mention Leonard Betts at all in here, for the simple reason that, due to dubbing schedule, it was aired in France AFTER Never Again (yeah, I know it doesn't make any sense, but that's french network…) So in my mind, the two episodes were not linked in any way, so when I imagined the post ep, I always saw it like this.

I never finished this, but I have some more chapters in store if I see anyone is interested, and I will finish it if anyone reads and like it. So don't hesitate to leave reviews. Also, remember English is not my first language…

Chapter 1

Hoover Building – FBI

Basement office

Friday - 4.12pm

He is punishing me. I mean, I knew he would, but that doesn't make it any easier. Ever since I came back from Philadelphia, and it's been 3 weeks now, he's been distant, cold, almost mean at times.

It's been 3 weeks, and I can't stand it anymore. I have to talk to him. I have to because he deserves to know, even though he didn't ask, I know the doubt is killing him. And I have to because, as I said, I can't stand it anymore. I think those last three weeks have been the most draining of all my time with Mulder. We had times of grief, fear and great sorrow, but in those times we always supported each other.

I had forgotten what it felt like to go through a time like this alone, and I am discovering with horror that I don't know how to anymore. Me, the queen of self-sufficiency, can't make it alone anymore, even if it's only through my own doubts! Isn't it killing? I think if I weren't so sad, I could laugh, but I'm afraid I've forgotten how to do that, too. Let's face it, I'm the saddest woman I know, and it isn't getting any better.

"Scully?"

"Mmmm?"

"Have you seen that case file I was working on earlier?"

That's all I get lately. No more chatting, he even stopped the innuendoes. I can't reasonably say that I miss them… Can I ? Oh, come on Dana, who are you trying to fool? Of course I miss them, I loved it when he flirted with me, it gave me the feeling that what I knew to be impossible was within reach. It made me feel like a woman, not some kind of science-fanatic-ice-queen. Oops, don't go there or you'll get teary again.

"Scully?"

"Sorry, I spaced out for a minute"

"Yeah, I saw. So, that file?"

"No, I haven't seen it. But it must be on your desk."

"I'd know, don't you think?"

Ok, I'm not even going to answer. Everything I do upsets him, everything I say sets him off, and in the last couple of weeks, I've just learnt to put up protective walls against his snappish remarks. Not that I didn't have walls before. But I didn't have walls against Mulder. Never needed to.

I am such an idiot. I managed to hurt deeply the only person I'm really close to, almost getting myself killed in the process. All this for what? To get the illusion that I could get even closer to him. Does that even make any sense at all ? God I wanted Ed to be Mulder. I needed him to be Mulder. I slept with him, but in my mind's eye, I kept seeing Mulder. Until I opened my physical eyes and found myself lying next to a complete stranger. I am so disappointed in myself. I think that's the reason why I don't fight my partner's harshness. Somehow, I deserve it. I should have known better. I should have kept it all a fantasy, instead of trying to give it an ersatz-body.

I guess I skipped the part where "not everything is about you, Mulder". It's true… only most things. In this particular case, it's true that I was glad to feel a man's desire again after all this time, to feel that I could be wanted. But apart from that, it *was* about Mulder. All of it. That I did it because I was stung by his reaction when I told him I had a date, or because I wanted to prove to myself that I did not need him as much as I feared I did, or yet again because I couldn't have him so I borrowed a body and integrated it in my fantasy world, it was about him.

He never would have known. And now, the only way I could really explain would be to tell him how I feel about him. And even then, I'd loose him anyway. He doesn't love me. Sometimes, when he looks at me in a certain way, I almost hope, but then one of these tall, leggy brunettes comes around and I kick myself for letting myself dream. The harder the fall… So, what are my choices? None. I've lost him. Oh my God, I have to leave now, or I'll break down here in front of him.

I try to stifle the sobs that threaten to escape from my throat as I rise and begin packing. The day is not over yet, but I know Mulder won't mind. On the contrary, he'll be relieved if I'm not around. And besides, he's gotten kind of used to it in the last couple of weeks since I can't seem to get through a day without rushing home to cry my eyes out. Today I think I'll only make it to the car.

"Hey, you're going?"

"Mmmm"

"Are you ok?"

Oooh, long time no hear!

"Fine" is all I can manage to choke out.

"Sure, fine, whatever"

Back into snappish mode. It was too good to be true. I'm already out of the office, rushing to my car. There I sit, take one deep breath and let the tears come. I'm too tired to fight them, I've been doing it for too long. And besides, what's the point of being strong ? Look where it got me. I'm sobbing now. I've lost him, I've lost him, I've lost him, I've lost him…