NG
By: Mints12
So I wrote this a while ago but decided not to post just yet so as not to piss on the earnest efforts of people who contributed to Drrr RarePairMonth. This is a very rough meme-fication of all the rarepairs I could fit into one crack fic. This is also pretty darn rude and mean to some characters.
Just to be clear: I do not agree with what the characters say in this fic and this is by no means an accurate depiction of any of the characters.
Please enjoy!
After the filming of the last Ketsu episode, the cast of Durarara, sat down for an easy going interview.
Reporter: So first, I have some fun questions from the viewers: If you could bring one thing with you to a deserted island, what would you bring, and why?
Mikado: I'd bring a lighter.
Anri: Oh yeah! That would definitely help keep you warm at night, huh?
Kida: You won't need a fire to keep you warm if you got me, no homo.
Erika: *mutters* he is so gay…
Walker: He literally said "no homo".
Saki: Yes, he did say "no homo".
Mikado: Not only that, but I can also start a forest fire, kill all the animals for meat and alert mainland with the sheer amount of smoke.
Aoba: Dark, I like dark. I know this place, it's just around the corner, we can sit there, alone, in the dark, and talk, and then we can kiss, you know, only hypothetically. And then we can touch stuff, no biggie. And then I can open up to you about my childhood abuse and angst….
Mikado: *mutters* Then I can burn a bitch.
Anri: Can we just cut out this part of the interview? His rep's in danger here. Thanks.
Reporter: I don't know how his rep could get any worse after he shot Kida but fine, we'll cut this segment out.
They didn't.
Reporter: What about you, Aoba, what would you bring?
Aoba: I'd bring a pen.
Mikado: Why a pen?
Aoba: Uhhhhhh….
Anri: I think it's because he is in the art club, so he can use a pen to draw.
Mikado: Wouldn't he also need paper then? And also, I'm pretty sure a pencil is much more useful for art.
Kida: The real question is how thick and/or long of a pen are we talking here? Is there a thicker tip, maybe ridges, no homo?
Erika: Do I smell homoerotic subtext?
Kadota: Dang it, Karisawa! Not everything has homoerotic subtext!
Saki: Might I add that he said "no homo".
Reporter: Ok, moving on to a less volatile subject (lol, dat a pun): "There are a lot of scenes in the series that use fire. How do you feel about coming in contact with fire so often and how important do you think fire is for this series?"
Aoba: When I was a child, there was a fire at our apartment and it left me rather traumatized. I am very afraid of fire. *a single tear drop rolls down his face* Hold me senpai.
Mikado: I like burning bitches, that's hot.
Aoba: I LOVE FIRE! I am also a bitch. But I definitely like fire. *cough*candle play*cough*
Izumii: Fire is a fucking shit!
Walker: You take that back, mother fucker!
Izumii: YOU TAKE BACK THE FUCKING HALF-FACE SCAR ON MY FACE, YOU SICK ARSONIST!
Kadota: I think that scar is a great addition to your face, Izumii. It brings out the blue in your eyes and the assholery of your soul.
Izumii: I'll take that as a compliment, you great piece of ass.
Erika: Hnggggg! Is it Kadozumii or Izudota?! I CAN'T DECIDE!
Walker: Dang it, I really wanna say it wasn't gay but dang was it gay.
Kida: Did I mention to anyone that I'm as hot as fire? *winks at Mikado*
Saki: Honey, even I don't think you're as hot as fire, and I fuck you. You also forgot to say "no homo"
Kida: Did I?
Anri: I am fully against fires. I think that if there is a problem in a relationship, it is best to cut it short, *eyes suddenly turn red* LITERALLY.
Tom: Why is it that I'm stuck talking to a cast full of psychos?!
Shizuo: Do you think I'm a psycho?
Tom: No, no, not you. You're a pure child that can do no wrong. *blows a kiss*
Shizuo: I'm gonna do you so hard tonight.
Tom: Oh please, god no. I actually want to be alive tomorrow and not have my anus split in half.
Varona: Using correct technique, it is possible to survive the violent thrusts, allow me to demonstrate tonight.
Sloan: *mutters* thirsty mafia said "what"
Varona: What?
Sloan: Speaking of thirsty mafia, Shiki, what's rolling?
Shiki: That great ass on a police motorcycle, that's what. Up top!
Kuzuhara: I'm arresting you for sexual harassment. *takes out his handcuffs*
Shiki: Bondage, huh? I love it when you play kinky.
Shinra: Speaking of great asses and playing kinky, guess who was riding headless last night? And not on the motorcycle, might I add.
Anri: Mom! Dad! No!
Namie: I must agree with the young lady, this kind of discussion is unsuitable for the innocent ears of my brother.
Seiji: What? I'm sorry, I was too busy thinking about Celty's head giving me a BJ.
Izaya: Something tells me Celty's head had more action with Seiji than Celty is ever gonna have with Shinra.
Kida: Oh hey, Satan, what's up?
Izaya: I thought I might enlighten you all on the beauty of fire.
Walker: Finally, someone who gets it.
Izaya: Fire is great when you want to come off as a psychotic egomaniac. It's one of the few ways to look like you're having fun alone when you're just lonely and dead inside. It's great for character building and dramatization as well as roasting certain beasts.
Shizuo: Bitch, we all know who got burned in the end so don't even start this.
Kururi: Fire also helps fight bullies!
Mairu: Setting that bitch's bag on fire helped me get laid with the boy of my dreams.
Kururi: And it can help you too!
Aoba: Wait, so if I set a bag on fire, I can get laid?
Kida: Do you think I'd be picking up girls at the park if it was this easy?
Erika: I thought you picked up girls to hide your raging homosexuality.
Saki: Kida said "no homo" on two out of three occasions. It is safe to assume that he means no gayness.
Akabayashi: No need to get defensive, all gangsters have a gay phase which may last a lifetime. Just take Aoba for example, that shark ain't drowning in pussy.
Aoba: By choice!
Mikado: His choice or…
Aoba: *mutters* yours, actually
Walker: Aoba, are you a shark stranded on the beach 'cause you're thirsty as heck!
Aoba: You're one to talk, otaku virgin.
Walker: Listen, if I could fuck my screen, I would!
Mikado: I was always under the impression that you and Erika were together.
Walker: Have you seen the way Erika ogles Anri? That girl doesn't fuck straight, let alone think straight.
Mikado: That explains all the boob grabbing!
Rochi: Speaking of boob grabbing, the blondie is really into nipple play.
Saki: What?
Rochi: Oh yeah, I found out when half his bones were broken, but not the important one, if you know what I mean. *wink wink*
Kida: Damn it, Rochi, you're ruining my chances with Mikado. Listen man, it was just a spur of the moment thing, it meant nothing. I shared my candy with you man, you know how I feel about your flat ass.
Aoba: Wow, calm down, amateur gangster with bad fashion sense. His ass is mine!
Kida: Go back to Oz, you fucking munchkin! Is your dick even big enough to count for anal penetration?
Anri: News flash, derp faces, next season, Mikado's ass is mine, so lay off. Also, Aoba, you don't have the right to comment on fashion, you wore a shark mask upside down!
Mikado: Anri, what are you thinking of doing with my ass next season?
Anri: Well, the sword's gotta go up somewhere…
Mikado: Candle play sounds real good right about now. But going back to boob stuff in the warehouse…
Rochi: Right, so we are all alone, it's kinda dark and quiet and we're on this dirty ass couch. We just had this heart to heart thing and he's just so emotionally vulnerable, you know…
Saki: Do I really want to know how my boyfriend cheated on me with a guy while I went to threaten a potential love rival?
Kida: So you're telling me you didn't make a move on Anri when you were alone in her apartment?
Saki: I didn't know that was the game plan! Last time I checked, we're supposed to be straight and into each other!
Erika: Can we focus on the warehouse for a minute!? I need to take notes!
Walker: Great, now we have to endure her fujoshi mode.
Aoba: Wait, how far does her fujoshi-ness go? Does she, maybe, draw?
Walker: Yep, you should see what she draws for Shizuo and Izaya, hyper realistic stuff.
Aoba: So, is she into sadomasochistic relationships between a kouhai and a senpai who are also in a gang together and are staying in an abandoned building all night?
Erika: Did I just hear "sadomasochistic relationships"?
Aoba: Okay, this interview is over, I have to discuss an art commission with Erika. Shark out!