The Theory of Partial Physicality
Chapter One – Cheeky Cha Cha Cha…
Caroline leant back in her chair, having spent most of the morning drafting a proposal for a new scholarship to introduce a cohesive and audited structure to improve
the social mobility between Public and Comprehensive schools within Harrogate District Council by forming Mutual Scholarship Partnerships with Ryedale District
Council and Ribblesdale District Council. She knew that for it to warrant preliminary discussion with The Bursar and Board of Governors she would have to deliver a
thoroughly researched and well scoped proposition. Gazing out the window of her study for further inspiration, lowering her glasses onto the lower bridge of her nose;
her eyes slowly spiralled downward and focussed on the latest painting of her daughter's dainty feet and hands, that Kate insisted were done at least twice a month
to nurture Flora's artistic and play development and chart her rapid growth. Kate had held Flora's hand and together they had scrawled, in barely legible writing, at
the top of the picture: "Dear Mummy, look at my big tootsies ! Big noisy kisses…Flora XXX" Just as she was about to resume working, she heard the thunderous
cacophony of piano keys being whalloped. Removing her glasses and rising from the chair, Caroline walked briskly to the living room, where she found Kate, seated
at the piano, with Flora on her lap, the baby's little hands smashing down, repeatedly upon the keys.
Kate : " Well it was one way to ensure you came out of hibernation and took a break…"
Caroline slid onto the piano stool next to her wife and proffered a gentle kiss on her lips. Flora was oblivious to her Mummies romantic ministrations and continued
her symphonic playing. Mindful of how long they could withstand the noisy accompaniment, Kate ceased kissing and gently lifted Flora's arms off the keys and twisted
her around to face her. Flora's hands couldn't resist continuing the movement and smacked her podgy hand onto Kate's mouth, as she did so she spied Caroline in
such proximity that she reached over and proceeded to smack her hand on her mouth too, at the last moment, Caroline opened her mouth and caught her daughter's
fingertips in it and sucked on the little sausages, causing Flora to shriek with laughter.
Kate: " Here, you take her, I've laid out the cushions on the floor for a picnic, I'll bring lunch through."
Flora was cocooned in a throne of cushions of every size on the floor, propped up and well supported, her Mummies on the floor opposite her, both well plumped
amongst cushions. Side by side, they took in turns to help Flora feed herself, tidbits of cheese, tiny tomatoes, chunks of cucumber, for her to suck and gnaw upon,
taking it in turns to help her whilst eating their own sandwiches.
Kate: " Caroline? Did you do this with the boys? "
Caroline : "Yes darling, they DID get fed, seeing how Lawrence's home from home is with his head in the fridge, I think that aptly demonstrates he has a long decent relationship with food …"
Kate sloppily kisses her wife's left jawline.
Kate " I mean, relaxed, the informality of it, sat here feeding her. I must admit I thought you'd be a bit strict with her routine and how we did things with her.."
Flora sucks and nibbles cautiously on a small chunk of cucumber, between her thumb and finger.
Caroline: " Well, we both have been relatively strict with adhering to a routine, babies and children need that constant in their lives. I think it's because I'm older,Kate. I feel I have a lot more patience now, with Flora, than I did with William or Lawrence; with the boys it felt like being a traffic light, you're in a permanent state of red, then amber and green, stopping, then not quite starting then instant acceleration .
Kate :" I don't think I feel that anxious about her…"
Caroline:; No sweetheart, you aren't …far from it. It would have been totally understandable if you were, with you waiting and enduring such agony for her. You are with her, you gently guide and coax her, you don't stand over her, hovering like a bird of prey, like I did with William; probably explains a lot about him now."
Kate picks up a miniscule tomato and places it into Caroline's mouth and then pushes it in with her tongue.
Looking down at Flora:
Kate: "As you say, babies need the routine as reassurance, they know when their little timetable is off; they pick up on things don't they? Well perhaps the boys, as babies, could feel something was a bit off,you know with you and John and…"
Caroline: " ….and Flora can feel, mm…ooom" " (munching on the tomato) that her strict,whip-cracking-headmistress-Mummy is (umm) totally love-drunk with her gentle-kind-patient (oom)-humble-breathtakingly-beautifully-sexy-linguistically-talented Mummy….."
Kate leant forward and pecked her wife's nose with a fleeting kiss. They both look down at their daughter, who had created a squidgy mash of cheese between each of her small fingers and as she flexed each one, she squirted the mass through each finger. Caroline saw that Flora's cheeks looked rather distended:
Caroline: "Uh-oh.."
Kate: "What?" looking to and fro between Caroline and Flora..
Caroline: "We seem to have another case of Hamster Chops….." Caroline gently inserted the tip of her little finger into Flora's mouth and then felt both cheeks…their happy, doe-eyed daughter, eagerly staring up at them, had rammed all the pieces of cheese, cucumber and tomatoes into as much of her mouth and cheeks as she could possibly harvest!
Kate: " Right, you can empty her, I 'll go and get a spoon for the re-entry process…."
Chapter Two - The Chubby Charleston
Kate carries Flora on her hip as they both head towards the study. Kate nudged her nose through the door and sees her wife, head in her right hand, whilst furiously
scribbling away in her notes, with her left. She retreats from the door, lifts Flora further up into her arms, then slowly pushing the door further open, holds Flora aloft,
through the doorway, wiggling her from side to side as Kate sings:
"Macca-pacca-aka-whacka-micka-macca-boo, Macca-pacca-aper-yaka….." Flora starts heavy handed clapping at the familiar tune, giggling as Kate continues to wave her about:
Kate " Macca-pacca-aka…."
Caroline : "Allright allright, PLEASE, let me have just ONE day free from the infernal Night Garden ditties…"
Kate brings Flora through into the study, and flies her towards her Mummy. Caroline is on her feet in an instant and catches the swooping, dirty-laughed-shrieking baby, right above her own face and brings the baby-plane into an emergency halt on her pouting lips.
Caroline repeatedly kisses her delighted baby.
Kate: " I'll have some of those if they're being so wantonly dished out…"
Kate sexily saunters up to her wife and firstly kissing Flora, she then zones in on Caroline's lips. Whispering into her the delectably soft lips before her:
Caroline, " I love it when she's just had a nap, she's still so warm and still orientating herself; although the mind-numbing MaccaPacca seems to have brought her
round, quite quickly…!" She side-swipes her head to prevent Flora from grabbing her glasses and removing them, places them on her desk.
Kate walks towards the kitchen : " We've got some mince in the fridge, do you want a spaggy bol or there's some chicken for a stir fry?"
Caroline: " I'm not fussed,but I'll cook whatever, you've had Flora all day."
Retracing her steps, Kate stands directly before Caroline and gazing intently into her eyes:
" and you haven't had her all day, so you go and get yourself settled with her and I'll start on the spag,coz that's your favourite, okay?" She turns Caroline
around,by her shoulders, to face the living room, gently begins to steer her forward, and then as Caroline moves ahead, she delivers a quick admonishing smack to
her appealing bottom.
Kate : " Oh there was a delivery for you, it's on the table, from the label and the feel of it you've bought Flora yet more clothes…..at this rate she'll have to wear them all at the same time, so she gets use out of them…."
Caroline: " It's only a top and little jeans for her to wear to Calamity's party…..it's her debutante ball….."
Kate: "At six months? "
Caroline: " It's her first party and her first public foray as the cutest baby of an equally gorgeous, glamourous gay couple…..all Calamity's nursery friends will be there, she gets a special outfit, fit for the occasion…."
Kate: " I'll wait to be amazed, then…..right three portions of spaggy coming up…."
Chapter Three - The Whispered Waltz
Caroline crept into Flora's room and gingerly approached her cot, tentatively peering down , she spied her daughter's sleeping face and then a miniscule movement of
her beautiful bow lips broke into a contented, dreamy smile. Caroline tiptoed to the cotside, lowering herself to the carpet, she sat down and edged her arm through
the slats, began to gently stroke Flora's head; caressing her curls. Hearing a muffled footfall at the doorway, Caroline glanced upward and was rewarded with a
sleepy,soppy smile; pulling a blanket off the box ottoman, Kate crouched down and enveloped herself with it, around her wife's body, nuzzling her left cheek against
her back. The glow from the nursey lamp beamed shadows across them, squaws in the firelight. In her happy, deep sleep, as though she instinctively sensed her
Mummies prescence, Flora turned her small head in their direction, a whisper of a tiny dreamy chuckle escaping her mouth. Kate raised her face up towards
Caroline's and kissed her neck,rotating her head slightly, so that their heads rested together, Caroline's hushed reverent tone, barely audible, despite their
closeness:
Caroline: " How is it possible Kate? How can I love her even more profoundly than I loved my boys at this age? When I didn't endure the familial agony of bringing her into world?
Kate: " Maybe, ( whispering after each kiss)….because (kiss) you umm…you loved John…(kiss) and had two children but, you were never in love, never love-happy
(kiss) like us and it's become deep love, (kiss) ….you tell me that our love (kiss) to you, has transformed from passionate impatient love (kiss) into a passionate,
permanent prescence.
Chapter Four - The Okey Cokey - knees bend, arms stretch…..
Flora was trying to stand up by herself, her chipolata fingers grasping onto Granny McKenzie's hands as she repeatedly tried to launch herself upright from Granny's
lap, each time her success was fleeting as her thunderous thighs and bandy legs gave way and she plopped back down ,cushioned by her baggy nappy over which
she wore the new outfit Caroline had bought for her; striped rainbow little denim trousers with a lemon coloured top, her baby fat bulge, pushed the top outward,
emphasising the words: " Not keeping Mum about my Mummies …." Each time she drew up to eye height with her Granny, she gave out a knowing throaty –cheeky-
chuckle, then the wobble would start and again she ended up as a squatting baby Buddha, only to begin all over again…
Kate could faintly hear a distant, tinney mumble of a man's voice, which slowly brought her out of her trance; she gazed over towards Ginika and Flora.
Another partial ascent completed, Flora glanced at Kate and recognising her Mummy, her rotound cheruby face broke into a huge two toothy smile, as she did so, a
long cascade of drool ran over her tiny chin. Flora's happy face blurred from Kate's focus as her eyes became obscured by the brimming of tears of endless maternal
love.
Kate heard a man coughing , she looked up, trying to locate the sound, she smeared her teary eyes with her hand trying to regain clarity of vision. She noticed Gavin,
with his hand at his mouth, eagerly trying to clear his throat, in his other hand was a roughly folded piece of paper. Kate saw him drop the paper to the ground and
then he sat down. Gavin, she thought back, to his gracious and gentlemanly reply:
"If you think I should….that is, if I actually could….Kate…."
She saw him sit.
….…...coughing... …and coughing…...and yet more ...…...coughing…...
…
... coffin…...Caroline's coffin...…chapel...…..school...….more coughing…
...…...and still more coughing…...
Her toned thighs and beautiful legs gave way, her body buckled over, lurching downwards to the floor; a strong left arm thrust out under it, blocking its descent, as
her body flopped over the arm, another curled underneath her legs, scooping up the vulnerable sacrificial lamb of love and swiftly, deftly, negotiated the confines of
the seating, purposefully placing his feet appropriately so he could leave the pew, as quickly and efficiently as possible. Lawrence carried his stepmother's limp, lithe
body over his arms and decidedly strode towards the more discreet side door, reaching it, he shoved it open with his right foot.
Ginika McKenzie began to stand, gathering up Flora, as she did, Beverley whispered to her " I'll go Ginika….." Caroline's devoted secretary had been sat in the
family's pew at Kate's insistence. She wanted Beverley to know how grateful she was for her fierce loyalty to Caroline and her help in their courtship and for being
quietly present in the house, during the last two weeks, spending hours with Kate, her Mum and Caroline's Mum; discussing the arrangements for the funeral and
discreetly bringing little jewels of sustenance, a cake now and then a homemade stew and always, always making tea, copious amounts of it.
Lawrence glanced upwards from his kneeling posture, and raised his eyebrows in recognition and thanks as Beverley tentatively stepped into the small room. She
joined Lawrence on the floor, placing her hand on his could hear some murmuring voices and upon opening her eyes she saw Bev and next to her, Lawrence. She
began to cry, there was Caroline's youngest handsome son, peering at her, looking as startled and perturbed as she herself felt.
Her son now… She had a baby daughter and two strapping sons.
Three children, three, needing a Mum…. she was only just beginning to know how to be one and that was mostly because of Caroline's reassurance, patience and
overwhelming guiding love..
Love….caring Caroline…her darling, dearest Caroline…gone…
….. …. no longer living no longer breathing
never, EVER coming back
Gone forever...
The CarolinaBlue Caroline eyes, that had quelled up with wet-love,every single time she sat transfixed, hypnotised with adoration at her and Flora together, that gaze, forever gone.
No more of the wakeful, fulfilled, wry smile that graced her face every morning.
The clickety-click of her heels ,curtailed, as she arrived home from work, forever hushed.
Gone the wakeful times, when she would marvel at her beloved's arms, bespeckled and glinting in the early morning hue.
The quintessential smell of her. The texture, the grooves on her lips, and the movement of them upon hers.
Never NEVER feel her whispers of grateful solace, in the shell of her ear, after making love with her .
not on this earth anymore…...
not anywhere…
The silent trickle started, that always triggered the tsunami of tears,but as she struggled to focus on Beverley and Lawrence, through the rising shimmer of liquid, she remembered who she was:
Mrs Katherine McKenzie- Dawson wife...
...widow of Dr Caroline McKenzie Dawson
Headmistress of the school in which they were all gathered, at her funeral.
She realised she had not only stood up, but by some out of body experience was walking, a hand reached in front of her and lowered the handle of the door, as she
moved, she was aware of someone next to her, Lawrence. One of his muscular arms around her waist, the other gripping her hand; the feel of his, told her he was
supporting her and in that grasp, she could palpably feel his own despair.
Chapter – Five - Rumble of the Rhumba
Kate lay on her back, in bed, still dressed in the same leggings and top that had become her second skin. Again, she heroically hauled herself out of bed and had
given Flora her breakfast. She could dimly hear her daughter's peals of delight from downstairs as her brothers entertained her. She began to play the fruitless game
of trying to recall moments from that cataclysmic ordinary morning.
Flora had woken from her blissful sleep at her usual time; as usual Kate, quietly crept in to the nursery to bring her into their room. She gingerly climbed back into
bed, cuddling Flora against her and gently placed her in the bed, between Caroline and her. She slowly pulled the covers over their baby and began the usual pat pat
on her tummy and stroking her whisps of curls. Flora's lashes flickered down, a bit further and for longer each time until finally the little girl was asleep.
Kate felt her earlobe being tugged and massaged, she looked down to see Flora, flexing her hand on Kate's ear, a repetitious stroking that gave Flora comfort as she
lulled into or came out of sleep. Kate looked down, through her chin at Flora and saw that other fidgets were beginning to accompany her ear game. She put her arm
around her waist and Flora began to smack the hand that lay upon her, before too long her fat fingers found the two rings on her Mummy's left hand and she began
to twirl and pull at them. In an effort to distract her, Kate rolled her onto her front, angling her towards Caroline side of the bed. Although she wasn't yet crawling,
she was beginning to demonstrate some of the necessary movements and in so doing, managed to wiggle over and start to climb on top of Caroline. Kate got out of
bed and pulled on her dressing gown. Flora began her newly discovered smacking motion; firstly Caroline's right breast got a hit and then using the pliability of the
breast, she hauled herself further on top of Caroline and began to jerk her little body towards a rather interesting toy, her Mummy's face. As she tied her robe, Kate
noticed, that despite a noteable assault of exploration by their daughter, Caroline was not rousing. She walked over to the bed and prised Flora off. She put her hand
on Caroline's face and an alabaster chill seeped onto her hand. She dropped Flora back onto the bed and patted Caroline's face, hard ,each cheek. A vigourous shake
of her wife's body, gave no marked difference. She felt her hands, steely cold. She flung her pyjama top up, exposing her breasts and lay her head upon her left, its
clammy coldness cooling Kate's instantly. She heard a heartbeat, she could clearly make one out, thudding,
it was her own heart, it's noise ricocheting around her head.
Knowing what she wasn't going to find, her hand drifted defeatedly to Caroline's wrist, placing two fingers there, confirmed what the iciness had already told her.
The memory of the frostiness of Caroline's body, played on a never-ending loop in her mind. Initially, she thought that Celia and the boys blamed her; that she
should have 'phoned for an ambulance. Yet as in the early days of their dating, Kate's head and heart retained their disparity and when the Coroner's report
concluded that Caroline had already been dead for at least of couple of hours, she didn't feel justified – just grateful that again, her head and heart had not worked in
unison.
When the cause of death specified Sudden Adult Death Syndrome, Beverly had quietly suggested, as was her way, that William and Lawrence made use of their
Mum's Private HealthCare and underwent check- ups for congenital heart disease. That it had felled Caroline and her Grandfather, was reason enough to persuade the
boys.
Chapter Six - The Teacher's Tango - it takes two
Kate : "Lawrence, I'm being a hypocrite, asking you to go back…"
Uncomprehending, he stares at her forlornly:
Kate: "…because I know I couldn't do it,.go back there. I can't bring myself to do anything these days, you've seen me with Flora, it's a herculean effort just to
change her nappy…..I'm asking you because it's what your Mum would want…."
Lawrence: " I only kept up with work and did homework so that I didn't let her down, and embarrass her….. what's the point now? She won't know…"
Kate: " No, okay she won't,but the rest of us will and then you'll be disappointing us,me, Granny, Alan, Bev. Angus must be missing you and William will go utterly
berserk with you if you don't do it for your Mum, she WAS Sulgrave and look at you, Lawrence you're her, so very much of her Lawrence. I am still so in love with her
( she begins to cry) I really want to give you a huge hug right now, (the tears are falling quickly but quietly) to hold onto a life that she created, but you're only used
to your Mum's cuddles and it might feel weird to you, if…..."
He lunges at her, cradling her within the circle of his arms, she turns her face and kisses his cheek, into the side of his face she whispers:
" Just go back for a couple of lessons, play some rugby, see how you go, okay?…" He nods into her hair; his voice muffled by it:
Lawrence : " You and Mum were like all those star crossed lovers in all those Shakespeare plays, weren't you?"
Kate:" Mm absolutely…"
Lawrence pulls back and looks at her: " I want her back, I want her here…...she should be with us…. I just want my Mum, that's all "
Kate didn't think it was possible for her heart to be shattered any more than it had been, but Lawrence's plea unhinged another fragment. She felt herself sinking and
this time, Lawrence fell with her, each wave of his sobs, absorbed by her body. He could feel something dormant within her, starting to float up and as the piercing
howl broke loose from her soul, he found a part of his Mum again, in her.
Chapter Seven - Kate's Calypso
Grief was frightening. It made her fearful of everyone and everything. The world was far away. She was in a perspex box looking outward and anything she saw was
on the other side of the box, removed from her, even Flora. Most of the time the view through it remained clear, but quite often it became fogged up, so she could
only see as far as the first pane of it and no further.
She knew that the boys and Celia were experiencing the same; that they had all been capsized and flung deep into the ocean and the swell prevented them from
being able to get to one another, hard as they tried to fight through it, it's power kept them all swirling around one another.
Grief was multifaceted in its abilities; it had turned her instantaneously into someone she didn't know, an entirely different woman. She had become forgetful. It was
no use even attempting to cook for the boys, she'd forget vital ingredients and be left with such an inedible gloop that even Lawrence shied away from it. Her
impatience, was growing more every day. She was unremittingly angry at people who moaned about utterly banal things. She hadn't made an acquaintance with the
shower since the funeral. She seemed to sleep all the time and yet felt forever exhausted. She couldn't enjoy Flora anymore. Every new thing, every miniscule
milestone happened and hurt; not so much celebrated as tolerated. It pained her that she knew she was doing it.
When she tried to reign everything in, it floated away; trying to make sense of the unsensible.
Grief was running rancid throughout her entire being and she had no strength in her to do anything but surrender herself to it; to let it run roughshod over her,
through her and at the end, if there was ever to be an end, to see what would be left of Kate McKenzie Dawson.