Find Yourself In You
She never thought that she would
Get her second chance
Kagome walked through the streets of Tokyo, her hands shoved into the pockets of her jacket. She was what most would call a screw up. She was nineteen and her life was going no where. She had no home, her parents kicked her out the day she turned eighteen. Since she had no home, she couldn't get a job. She has been staying in an old abandoned house that was falling apart in the bad side of town. When she was fourteen, she started smoking. Fifteen, she was drinking. Sixteen, partying on a daily basis and hard drugs. Seventeen, abusive boyfriends she met at raves. Eighteen, sleeping around just to feed herself. She knew her life was beyond salvageable.
She didn't bother cleaning up her act, there were two reasons for that. One, she couldn't. She had no home, therefor no one would hire her for a real job. One that didn't involve selling her body. Two, no one would ever take her seriously. She was a royal screw up. No one would treat her with respect no matter how much she changed. She would never be given a second chance. Her past would follow her everywhere she went. She was trapped and she knew it. She couldn't break free no matter how much she wanted to. Not without help, but the only one willing to help her was her little brother, Souta. He was fifteen now, she refused to bring him into this. He's a good kid, she wasn't going to mess things up for him. He shouldn't be exposed to this sort of thing.
Running so far from all she's ever known
And then she lost all meaning
She could remember how she was so desperate to escape the life she had. With her family, her loving but majorly dis-functional family. She still couldn't believe she ever wanted to give that all up. Now all she wanted was to have that life back. Well, you know what they say, you don't know what you got until it's gone. She remembered how lost she was when they threw her out. How she couldn't find any reason live. Her life had lost all meaning. She had wanted to die as soon as she thought over how she acted.
She was a horrible daughter, a horrible sister, a horrible role model, and a horrible person. When she was seventeen, her abusive boyfriend had caused her to become pregnant once. She had given birth to twins, a little girl and boy. She had named them, told the nurse no one could have them if they planned to change the names. She had loved those kids during her pregnancy and after they were born. However, she couldn't take care of them. She knew she couldn't, she didn't want them to live the life she was leading either. She was left with no choice- she put them up for adoption.
They were happy and loved right now, they had been adopted by a man and his wife. Both successful, she'd never met them, but they accepted the only specification needed to adopt them. They had kept her childrens' names. She had gotten full reports on their well being until she was eighteen. The reports came through the mail, but she couldn't get them anymore. Her parent's were probably laughing, knowing she was clueless as to what was happening in her childrens' lives. The only thing she honestly cared about during that point in her life. It had been eating at her since they kicked her out, not knowing if they were alive.
The reports weren't necessary but the family did it anyway. They probably heard how she didn't want to give them up, but felt she had to. Or maybe it was their way of thanking her. She wasn't sure, she never wrote back, in fear of them becoming angry, or the children finding out their mother, wasn't their mother. Sure, she was probably being paranoid, but she didn't want the letters to stop. The man always wrote the letters, said the woman didn't have enough time.
That had worried her, but he always assured her the children were loved and got attention. He said the children had beautiful names that fit them. The girl, Sachiaka, meaning Scarlet Wish. She had long black hair and big blue eyes, just like Kagome. A sweet heart through and through. The boy, Fuki, meaning Freedom. Something Kagome had always wished to have. He had his father's brown hair, and Kagome's blue eyes. Very hyper, always doing something. Definitely a free spirit. She was so proud of them. Now that she could appreciate and understand it all, that is.
Where did her dreams go?
Still she knew that there was something more
She had dreams before she was fourteen. She had wanted to do so many things with her life, good things. Then her parents started fighting, dragging her into it, calling her a mistake. It put her in depression and she started to smoke. She enjoyed the burning in her lungs, it took away from the pain she felt in her heart. The thing she had settled on had been a forensic scientist. She still wanted to become that, yet she couldn't. With the turn her life took, her grades amazingly stayed intact. That wasn't the problem. She barely had enough money to feed and clothe herself. She couldn't afford it, when she graduated, she had been offered a full science scholarship that would pay for all education for any career in the scientific field. Her parents had refused it, just to spite her.
She was going to accept, live her dream, but her parents took it away, just for something as petty as revenge. It was their fault her life was so horrible in the first place. If only they could solve their problems without trashing their own daughter. Making her sit and listen as they told her how unwanted she was, how much they hated her, just for being born. All she ever did up till then was try to impress them with good grades and ideal friends. Then they took out their frustration on her. Made her feel lower than dirt, they actually made her say she was lower than dirt often. Her dreams flew out the window the second she lit that first cigarette, and it was all their fault. Still, they never matured enough to admit it. They just blamed both her, and their, problems on her.
Yet, she knows, someday, she'll escape this hell hole, just like she knew she would back then. She planned on saving up her money, only eating when necessary, not buying any clothes until absolutely needed. Then she'd get a cheap apartment so she could get a real job, one with good pay. Then she'd continue living off minimal food and scarce clothes until she had enough money saved up to pay for her first year of college and her rent. Then she would apply to college, the one that offered her the scholarship, and apply for a new scholarship, hopefully, they'd give her one. She'd need it to finish all the schooling she'd need to become a forensic scientist.
She knew she'd only be able to afford one year, if she could even afford that. Things would be tight, but she'd survive. As soon as she got back on her feet, she'd let the man know where she lived so she could be informed of her childrens' well being once again. Then she'd have more time to work, and less to worry. When the kids are ten, she wants to meet them. She wants to wait till their old enough to understand, and still young enough to not hate her. She doesn't want to steal them, she just wants to talk to them. That's all she wants, a conversation.
Don't be scared
There's someone there
She's now twenty- one, and in her first year of college. Her plan had worked. Once she hit twenty, she could afford an apartment, at twenty- one, she had enough money that she felt she could afford schooling until they informed her of her scholarship status. So here she is, they had approved the scholarship, the same one she had in high school. The only catch was she had to keep her grades up. So far, she's been able to do so without any problems. She's still scared though. She can't risk losing this scholarship, she can't risk never seeing her children. She was always scared she'd fall back into her old style of life.
However, she still had hope and determination thanks to the man that adopted her children. Turns out, he and the woman divorced, and she had learned his name. He was Inuyasha Rumihashi. Inuyasha switched the address, no questions asked. He even agreed to what she wanted to do, no problems at all. He was even willing to help her through the hard times, but she refused. He might not let her see them if he heard about her life. It was still nice to know someone was there though. Every time she felt alone, she'd remember him and her children. That gave her enough strength to keep going.
To say these words
You need to hear
A few months along, she actually met Inuyasha. She couldn't turn him down after the pressure of college had been beating down on her for so long. She gave in and told him about her past. She saw him cringe and looked mildly disgusted several times. Just not at the things she thought he would. He reacted that way whenever she mentioned what her parents said and did, and all of those boyfriends and men. Never once at something she did on her own. He just looked sad and sympathetic. Turns out, he's only five years older than her. Something she hadn't been expecting. She told him how unsure she was, how much of a failure everyone, including herself, thought and said she was. He always had something to say about it.
Don't let anybody tell you who you are
It's okay to let go you're a shooting star
Remember all you wish for
Believe it will be true
You will never find yourself anywhere else
You'll find yourself in you
He smiled at her from across her small dining room table "Don't listen to them, they can't decide who you are. Only you can. Just focus on what you want to be, believe in it, and you'll become it." She looked uncertain "I don't know who I am." His smile didn't falter "That's because you let others define you. You won't find yourself anywhere but in you. You have to look inside yourself, do some searching. That's how you find out who you are. So ignore them, listen to your heart and your mind. You'll find yourself eventually. Think of how proud Fuki and Sachiaka will be if you find yourself before you meet them. They'll be so proud of their mother and how strong she is." She smiled "They're one of the things that keep me going. You're right, I need to find myself and show them how strong their mother is. I can't disappoint them."
Inuyasha frowned "Don't just do it for them, do it for you too. Remember, the only person you'll be disappointing if you don't do it for yourself...is you." She stared at him mildly surprised "And just how do you know all of this?" He seemed a little sad "I found myself around a year ago, remember how me and Kikyou divorced? Well that's because I stopped defining myself by what she said I was. I found myself and became what I wanted. She didn't like the real me, and the real me didn't like her. We couldn't stand each other anymore. Of course, we never fought in front of the kids, so don't worry. Anyways, just remember what I said. I'm sorry, but I need to go now, the kids should be getting done with pre- school in ten minutes, I need to pick them up."
She smiled "That's fine, you don't have to apologize. Remember, the kids are mine too after all. They come first." He seemed a little shocked but turned to leave, just before he was out the door he asked her something "Kagome, did you define yourself by what others said when you gave them up? Was it your choice, or someone else's?" Kagome stared at his back, her smile never leaving "I made the choice myself. I decided what was best for them, no matter how much I wanted to keep them. I knew I couldn't. You know how my life was, that's not the kind of thing children should be around. So I made the best choice for them and their futures. I ignored my desire to keep them so I could decide what was best. I thought it was then, and I still do now. I don't regret my decision. I know I did the right thing." He nodded and walked out, shutting the door behind him.
Sometimes people tell you
Be like me to fit in
Do you know your identity is not in them?
Kagome continued her schooling, and was doing extremely well. She was already into her second year, twenty- two years old. Then one day, she noticed a new girl had joined in, transferred from another college. She noticed their physical resemblance. The girl was obviously older, probably around thirty. She had the same black hair and fair skin, but this girl's eyes were black instead of blue, and her features were sharper, more mature. The girl sat next to her and Kagome soon learned her name was Kikyou Tanaka. Previously, Kikyou Rumihashi, she was the woman that had been caring for her children.
Kikyou looked over at her, her face resting on her palm "You look familiar..." Kagome gulped, hopefully she wouldn't figure it out. Sadly, with a snap of her fingers, Kikyou spoke "You're that girl! The one that had the babies we adopted! No wonder you look familiar, from the hospital picture of you and the kids. Inuyasha would never get rid of it or put it away, he always kept it out in the open, he even told them who you were. When they asked who 'the pretty lady' was he said 'that's your mommy Kagome.' When they asked him about who I was then he told them 'she's your mommy Kikyou, and that's your mommy Kagome.' He always made sure they knew they had two mothers. Why, I'll never know."
Kagome gave her a wary look. She wasn't too happy that someone like this had been caring for her children, mothering them, molding them. Kikyou ignored the obvious discomfort "Have you met Inuyasha?" Kagome nodded but Kikyou stop there "Do you like him?" Kagome scrunched up her face in confusion. Did she like him? "He's my friend." Kikyou smirked "He'll never like you. Not unless you do one thing." Kagome gave her a curious look "What's that?" Kikyou's smirk widened "Simple, be like me." Kagome's heart stopped and her breathing shallowed. Be like her? Never. She wouldn't do that. Inuyasha wouldn't make her do that. Would he?
She slowly calmed herself and thought rationally. Inuyasha couldn't stand Kikyou, he had said so himself. He didn't want her to define herself by others. He wanted her to be herself. To have her own identity, not copy one. Not Kikyou's, not anyone's. Only her's. He wanted her to define herself. She kept repeating the same thing inside her head as she spoke to Kikyou "You're lying. He said he wants me to define myself, not let others define me." Kikyou frowned "You're lying, he wants another me, just a younger one, that's all."
Kagome frowned at Kikyou's accusation "No, you're lying. He said he couldn't stand your personality anymore. Or the way you were always trying to define him. Also, it'd be in your best interest to never speak of him like he's a superficial idiot, ever again." Kikyou's smirk came back "Whatcha gonna do about it?" Kagome gave her a false smile "I'll mess up your pretty little face so bad not even your mother will want to look at you." Kikyou's smirk faltered "You wouldn't." Kagome kept her smile "Oh, I would." Kikyou was frowning "You can't do that much damage." Kagome gave her a dead pan look "I lived on the streets for two years, and before that I dealt with people that wouldn't hesitate to kill you, on a daily basis. I think I can."
Don't be scared
There's someone there
To say these words
You need to hear
After her encounter with Kikyou, Kagome was really shaken up. She stumbled back to her apartment and inside. On her way back she had picked up a six pack of beer. She collapsed onto her couch and turned on the TV. She glanced at the beer a couple times before lifting one up. She popped the top and lifted it to her lips, just after her first sip, her door opened. Then, she saw Inuyasha. She had given him a key to her apartment not too long ago. He saw her with the beer and rushed over, taking it from her. He checked how much was missing before looking to her "How many have you had?" She stared at him "That was my first..." He put it down and pulled her into a hug. She sat there too shocked to do anything.
He pulled back to glare into her eyes "What's with this Kagome? You had made such good progress, why would you throw it all away?" Kagome looked away from him, ashamed. He grabbed her face, making look at him "Kagome, answer me." She lowered her eyes "Kikyou." His grip loosened "W-what?" She looked into his eyes "Kikyou, she's in one of my classes now. She made me remember what I used to be like. She made me remember how horrible I was. How horrible I still am! I'm a terrible person! I have no right to live, I should just go crawl in a hole and die! It's not like anyone would care!" Half way through the rant she had escaped his grasp and curled into a ball, eyes scrunched shut. She had her hands clenched in her hair, pulling hard enough to hurt, but not enough to yank it out. Tears were escaping the sides of her eyes.
Inuyasha stared at her with sad eyes. He moved forward and embraced her, at first she fought him, beating on his chest and threatening him, but he didn't let go. Eventually, she broke down and cried, clutching his shirt tightly in her hands. He just let her cry, and ran his fingers through her hair, she needed to let it all out. Everything she had been holding in since she was fourteen, she needed to get it all out.
As soon as she calmed down he sat next to her on the couch "You don't have to suffer alone Kagome. I'm right here anytime you need me. So next time, instead of trying to get drunk, call me. Tell me what's wrong. Let me help you. You don't have to be scared, no matter what it is. I'll still be here when it's over. Okay? The kids will be here too. Remember what I just said, okay?" She nodded and sniffled, wiping her eyes with her shaking fist. She let out a little laugh "I must look pathetic." He just shook his head "No, you don't, not in the least. You don't need to worry about that." She looked up at his eyes to see honesty staring back at her. She smiled a little and nodded.
Don't let anybody tell you who you are
It's okay to let go you're a shooting star
Remember all you wish for
Believe it will be true
You will never find yourself anywhere else
You'll find yourself in you
Two years have passed since then, Kagome changed her mind. There was no longer a mother figure in their life, they needed her. She decided she wanted to meet them now. Inuyasha had told her how Sachiaka and Fuki constantly asked why they didn't have a mommy. It nearly broke her heart when she saw a video he made of them at the park. He didn't cut anything, so she saw both kids run up to him and ask since all the other kids had mommies. She couldn't let them go on like that. She had her hair up and was wearing jeans and a hoodie. She was going to see them, and she was going to see them, now.
She walked out the door, her keys in her one pocket, her cell phone in the other. She walked outside and saw Inuyasha waiting in his car. She smiled as she climbed in and they rode in silence. She was nervous, what if they didn't like her? What if Kikyou was right? What if they wanted Kikyou instead? She'd die if they didn't like her. Inuyasha seemed to read her mind "Don't worry about it, they'll like you. I'm sure of it." She glanced at him and gathered up her courage as they pulled into the driveway. He had a nice house, not huge, not small.
They got out and walked to the front door. He unlocked it and stepped inside, the house was full of toys and she couldn't be happier. Soon a young woman came running down the stairs chasing a little girl with pig tails. The child had on a pink jumper with a white long sleeved shirt under it. The brunette woman chasing her froze when she saw them. Inuyasha smiled "Sango, Kagome, Kagome, Sango. Sango babysits Sachiaka, her husband, Miroku, watches Fuki." Sango snapped out of her shock and shook Kagome's hand "I've heard so much about you." Kagome smiled at her. Then they saw a little boy with messy hair run out from a hall in a long sleeved shirt and jeans. Since he was laughing at the man chasing him, he collided with the girl and they fell onto the ground in a pile.
Kagome, temporarily forgetting her manners, went around Sango and ran to them. She knelt on the ground and lifted the boy off of the girl, checking them both for injuries. Sango and Miroku were both surprised, and impressed. Inuyasha on the other hand, he was proud of her motherly instincts. When she was sure they were okay they noticed her face. They turned to look at the hospital picture to be sure before turning back to her "Mommy?" She nodded and hugged them both. They immediately hugged back and buried their faces in the crook of her neck. Sango went 'awww' and Miroku smiled. Inuyasha smiled, realizing how well she was doing having been so nervous. She pulled back and ruffled Fuki's hair and patted Sachiaka's. Fuki frowned and was smoothing his hair while Sachiaka was grinning.
Why should I measure the world
By someone else's design?
Oh, I won't let this fly by
She remembered what Kikyou had said, then looked at the children in front of her with a smile. Kikyou was wrong, about them, and Inuyasha. She pulled them to herself again, letting silent tears glide down her cheeks. They felt something wet on their shoulders and pulled back. Sachiaka, being the more compassionate one, asked "Mommy, why are you crying? Did we make you sad?" Kagome laughed and wiped her tears "No baby, you didn't make me sad. You made me very happy." Fuki asked, not to kindly might I add, the next question "Then why are you crying? Don't tell me your a wimp like Sachiaka." Then Kagome did something that shocked the others, she hit Fuki in the back of the head, not too soft, not too hard "Be nice to your sister. I'm crying because I'm happy." He looked away muttering about stupid women and their emotions. This earned him another whack "Respect others."
He pouted and turned away from her, his back facing them. Inuyasha was going to intervene but Kagome reached out and brought him into her lap, tightening her grip as he struggled. Eventually, he calmed down and she laid her cheek against the top of his head as Sachiaka joined him on her lap. She slowly ran her fingers through her daughter's hair, watching as the small girl closed her eyes and yawned, soon followed by a yawn from her brother. Soon, they both fell asleep in her lap.
Hey look over here, I just found the real me
Now, it's your turn to see
Now, it's your turn to see
Inuyasha walked over and took Fuki from her. She stared up at him as he stood and started to walk away. She guessed she was supposed to follow and stood, holding Sachiaka as she cuddled further into the warmth of her mother's arms. Sango and Miroku walked out of the house, knowing they would want alone time. Kagome followed Inuyasha into a room that had half painted blue, the other pink. The blue side was all boy stuff, the pink, all girl stuff. She laid Sachiaka on the princess bed as Inuyasha laid Fuki on his bed.
They silently walked downstairs and onto the couch. She smiled "They are so beautiful." Inuyasha smiled at Kagome, though she couldn't see it "Yeah...They look just like you." Kagome blushed slightly but smiled "I was never that beautiful. Not even as a child." Inuyasha seemed to be thinking about something "Kagome...Whatever happened with your family. You never told me that." She looked up into his eyes before looking down "My brother, Souta, he adores me. He always has, he was willing to help save me. Help me escape the Hell my life was. I couldn't let him do that though, that would involve him catching a glimpse of the world I was introduced to when I was younger. I didn't want him to see that."
Inuyasha nodded "What about the rest?" She played with her fingers "My mother has always despised me, she always said I was a mistake. That I was the reason their marriage was falling apart. My father, he loved me up until I turned thirteen. Just because I was a teenager, he stopped trusting me. Then, I was late coming home from school, my locker wouldn't open, and I missed the bus. I had to walk the two miles back home. When I got in the door, my mother was drunk and angry. My father was furious. I explained but they just told me I was grounded. My mother on the other hand, called me a whore. I blew it off since she was drunk. I figured she didn't mean it. Slowly, throughout the year I was thirteen. I noticed my parents were getting worse and worse. They had put me on an exact schedule. Including, restroom breaks. If I broke it by even a second, I was grounded for a week."
"I found myself spending more and more time at my friend's houses on the weekends. Just to spend a few days without all the junk. Starting my fourteenth birthday, I wasn't even allowed to call my friends anymore. I was on lock-down twenty- four seven, literally. They put enforced locks on my door, they only locked from the outside, and an alarm on my window. Slowly, they dragged me into their fights. They called me all sorts of horrible things. I got sick of it, I learned how to rewire the alarm so I could escape. I'd spend my nights and weekends doing whatever would ease the pain. Well, it pretty much went downhill from there. They kicked me out when I was eighteen, i didn't hear anything about Fuki and Sachiaka until I was twenty when I asked you for the address switch."
By the end Inuyasha was staring at her in disbelief. She looked up into his eyes "That bad, huh?" He shook himself out of it and quickly made up for it "No, no, not that bad. It just shocked me that's all." She nodded and started to stand "I should get going." When she walked past him, Inuyasha reached out and grabbed her arm. She looked down and saw him staring up at her with pleading eyes "Don't leave." Her eyes widened in shock "Inuyasha..."
Don't let anybody tell you who you are
It's OK to let go, you're a shooting star
His eyes were begging her to stay with him and their children but how could she stay? How could she intrude like that? He knew about her life, he kew she wasn't fit to be a mother. She was a horrible role model. A horrible person. How could he possibly ask her to stay when he knows how hard it would be for her? She looked at him again and saw those same eyes "I can't." He looked so sad "Why not?" He had so much faith in her, it hurt to ruin it "I'm not good for you or the kids. I'm sorry." His eyes looked angry now "Are you saying you're not good enough for us?" She turned her head away to avoid his gaze "Kagome, look at me." She slowly turned her head "You are not too good for us. You're perfect. You need to let go of your past and see yourself for who you are now."
Remember all you wished for
Believe it will be true
She gasped at the sincerity of his words "Remember why you changed your life? You wanted to be a different person. A better person. You accomplished that, you did it. It was easier for you because you never were a bad person. You have to believe it, you have to believe in yourself. Or it will disappear. All of your progress, gone. Do you want that? Do you want to go back?" She shook her head and he smiled "I didn't think so. Now, do you believe?" She nodded and his smile widened "Then stay."
You will never find yourself anywhere else
You'll find yourself in you
He tugged her down into his arms and gave her a hug and she happily returned it. They heard a little voice go "Gross!" Followed by another small voice "Shut up! They'll hear us!" Apparently, the kids had decided to spy on them, and not to quietly. Kagome looked at Inuyasha with a mischievous glint in her eyes and he caught on. She leaned forward and was about to press her lips to his when Fuki said "Oh stop already!" Kagome giggled as Sachiaka hit him in the head with her little fist "Look what you did! You ruined the moment!" He turned his glare on her "What do you mean ruined the moment!? They were about to kiss! That's gross!" She hit him again and turned away "It's romantic." Then she turned to them "Continue." They both stared astonished for a moment before they started to laugh uncontrollably.
Sachiaka pouted and turned away with a blush while Fuki's face seemed to be turning an unnatural shade of red while he watched them laugh at him and his sister. Eventually, they calmed down and Sachiaka ran down the steps to Kagome and stared up at her face "Mommy, are you staying?" Fuki came down behind her and glared at his sister "Of course not! Why'd you even ask, baka!?" Sachiaka turned to him with teary eyes "You don't know that!" Kagome felt her heart break at the sight of her babies. She reached forward and wrapped them both in her arms "I'll stay as long as you and daddy want me to." Inuyasha smiled at her "Then you better not plan on leaving, cause we sure don't want you to."
You'll find yourself in you
You'll find yourself in you
AN:I've been working on this piece for a while, i'd work on a part, then do something else and come back to it days or weeks later, that's why it's been in the making so long. The thing is, i think that made it turn out longer, because i had mroe time to think about wording it. Watch for updates on my stories. I hope you all like it. Let me know if you want me to turn it into a two-shot, cause if so, i definitely could. Ja ne!