For Olivia, the captain of the Euron and Cersei ship.

Ships: No twincest but they still love each other obsessively. Tywin/Joanna. Euron/Cersei, Brief Harry/Euron, Genna/Emmon.

Flirting with the girls like you're so pretty

I don't even have to fake it now – (American – Lana del Rey)

When Cersei was younger, she remembered a story her aunt Genna had told her when she was drunk. Aunt Genna was often drunk and she told a great many stories. This story stuck with Cersei because it was not only the story of how their parents fell in love but it was very practical advice on how to apparently get and keep a man like her father. Also Genna had told Cersei the story on a night when her parents had gone to the royal palace for a ball, her mother was dressed in red and gold she was so beautiful and her father was the most handsome man on earth.

The story was that when they were younger, Genna and Joanna often got into trouble. Genna would usually flirt her way out of danger and Joanna would threaten her way out of trouble. However, this time they'd run away from home to attend an underground rock concert and the cops had raided it. Running away from the concert they had run right into some military cadets.

Genna and Joanna had a plan, Genna would find a cadet, flash him her tits, then Joanna would steal his wallet and they would take a taxi home. Genna however started flirting with a cadet who was both short and unattractive. To Joanna's chagrin, Genna was already kissing the Cadet and the two had disappeared into the bushes.

Joanna was furious, she was about to drag Genna out of the bushes when she heard the sirens. She looked around for someone to flirt with and steal their wallet from. She wasn't going to lower her standards or pull up her skirts for a romp in the bushes like Genna.

"You there," she snapped in her haughty and best snooty Lannister voice. When the cadet turned around Joanna was dumbstruck as she faced her oldest cousin Tywin. There would be no wallet stealing here, Tywin was not one to fall for flattery, infact people said that he never smiled and took advice from no one.

"Joanna," he had said looking at her, her cousin never asked questions, he made statements.

"Oh look it is cousin Joanna," Kevan wiped his nose subtly, it was runny he didn't want to appear weak in front of Tywin.

Joanna hugged herself it was cold, and Tywin's icy presence was making her colder.

"The sirens, your doing I suppose, with my sister as a willing participant no doubt," Tywin said in his gravely tone.

"Are you going to help me or just judge me you self-righteous pompous gold shitting wanker?" Joanna asked incredulously

"Now listen here Joanna, that's no way to talk to Tywin," Kevan stepped forward

"Shut up you gutless turd gargler," Joanna spat out each word like a bullet leaving a pistol, she held out her hand to Kevan, "give us your jacket, I'm freezing my tits off."

"No, then I shall be cold," Kevan pointed out

"Here," Tywin said, handing Joana his jacket

Kevan instantly shrugged out of his jacket and held it out to Tywin, "you might catch a chill…"

"He's made of ice, a bit of chilly air won't affect him," Joanna said as she slipped the jacket around her. She shut her eyes luxuriating in the feeling of the jacket enveloping her like a lovers' embrace. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath inhaling deeply then her eyes snapped open when she realised that she was in fact relishing in the scent of the stick in the mud, destroyer of fun, tattletale Tywin Lannister.

She was about to throw his jacket in his face when Tywin held out his hand she didn't hesitate taking it and casting a glance behind her as she saw the unmistakable dark uniforms of the coppers. Tywin and Joanna quickly stumbled into the bushes, leaving Kevan with the rest of the military cadets who were smoking or drinking or talking about their sexual conquests.

"Hey have you seen two girls come past here?" a policeman asked, as his partner took deep heavy breaths.

"No we haven't, have we…?" Kevan asked looking around for Tywin to discover he was alone.

2 months later Tywin and Joanna got married, 7 months after their wedding they were the proud parents of twins.

With the seed planted in her head, that if she kept getting into trouble, Jaime would always protect her and be with her, Cersei jumped from one disaster to another. Jaime had no choice but to be his more adventurous sister's body guard. So much so that he had no personality or identity of his own, he was simply her shadow.

That was until they turned 16, Tywin had called Jaime into his study, Cersei had waited outside listening, ear to the door. After failing to secure an alliance with the Royal family, and out of pride quit his enviable post as chief of staff, Tywin turned his attention to his children. Their duty was to raise the family name high. Tywin had accused Jaime of lacking ambition and that if he only wanted to be a glorified bodyguard for the rest of his life, he would look for another heir for their family business- their gold mining company and their family holdings CasterlyCorp.

Cersei knew Jaime would listen to her, that she should encourage him to pay attention when father spoke, to take an interest in politics and in current affairs. She knew that she could convince Jaime to be her father's model heir, after all they weren't going to give her the company or the mines. Alas, she was greedy and selfish, she wanted Jaime's undivided attention and love. So she ran away from home on the day of the annual shareholders meeting held at their estate. She knew that Jaime would find her and rescue her.

Except he didn't.

Because of her quick temper and flighty nature she hadn't planned things out and now she was lost. She walked quickly, head bent, past catcalls and beeping horns. She swore at people who tried to accost her. She slapped her hand to her forehead when she saw that her phone had less than 20% battery. She switched her phone off she would need to conserve her battery for when she spoke to Jaime.

Cersei was irritable, cold and hungry, in her hurry she hadn't dressed for her adventure. Luckily she had a fluffy red scarf in her handbag, a gift from Jaime. She spotted brightly lit fish and chip shop and walked in.

She subtly counted her money, she was a Lannister and knew that she must never let anyone think that didn't have money, when people assumed that you had money they always treated you better. She ordered the cheapest meal that came with a drink, with a bored look and no indication that she was hungry or desperate, she sat down in the corner booth where it was warmest.

She switched on her phone her battery was at 15%, as the notifications chimed and her call logs got updated she watched the battery level dip.

Jaime's face popped on her screen, she answered on the first ring, "hi," she answered, missing him terribly.

"Where are you?" Jaime asked.

"I don't know a fish and chips shop next to a uhm butcher," she craned her neck to see the street signs.

"That's helpful," Jaime said with irritation dripping off his words.

"I'm scared Jaime, please come at once. I need you," Cersei sniffled whenever he was cross with her all she had to do was cry.

"Where? You were meant to look after Tyrion he's been crying. Father is so cross with you. Fucks sakes Cersei. Why tonight? Why? What's the matter with you? Can't it be about anyone else but you?"

There was a painful silence, Cersei's lower lip trembled. She hadn't meant to cry for real it was meant to be for show but now she wanted to wail. Somehow Jaime must have felt her despair because his irritation was replaced with concern.

"Cissy I'm sorry I didn't mean it truly, I lov…"

"Sod off," she said and hung up.

She instantly regretted it as her phone died. She barely remembered how she got here, Gregor had given her a lift in his van told her to store his number and call him if she wanted a lift back home. Then she had met Qyburn for some much needed catch up, he was her vice president at the Westeros youth opposition party. Qyburn had offered to buy her lunch but she'd been so sure Jaime would come she'd stupidly said no.

"Boyfriend trouble?" the blue eyed boy with wet looking hair asked setting her food at her table. His uniform was a black t-shirt with a golden kraken on it, his apron said "We do not thaw- everything's sea fresh" She looked at the menu, the restaurant was called "The Pyke"

"What's ya name? Beautiful thing like you all alone?" he gave her a come hither look.

"Nunya," Cersei said smiling at him the same way Aunt Genna smiled at uncle Emmon while making fun of him.

"That's unique, to be expected because you are exquis…"

"Nunya business, now go away," she cut him off, she didn't need a distraction she needed a way to get back home to Jaime. The payphone on the wall had an "out of order sign" stuck to it.

The boy shrugged adjusted his collar and turned away, throwing his towel over his shoulder.

"No, wait! Do you have a phone charger?" She asked trying to keep the desperation out of her voice.

"Yes."

"What brand is it?"

"Nunya," he smirked looking over his shoulder.

"Fucking wanker," she said popping a tomato sauce sodden chip into her mouth.

Cersei looked up as the boy returned, his name tag said "Harry", another boy whose name tag said "Vic" came over with a cupcake with a lit sparkler in it.

"As our 5000th customer," Vic blew into a blowout whistle, "Congrats," he said slamming the cupcake on the table making Cersei's drink shake.

"Here," the rude boy who wouldn't give her a phone charger said putting a paper crown on her head, "My queen," he bowed with a smirk.

"As your queen, do my bidding give me your phone charger," she tilted her head and pouted like she'd seen on the telly.

"I don't have a phone," he told her.

"What? Why not?" She cried in disbelief.

"Coppers keep confiscating them saying I deal drugs," he sighed.

"Do you?" She asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah but…"

"Go away," she said," shoo," she rubbed her neck wondering just how bad her night could possibly get, she'd gotten lost, had no money and was stuck in a fish and shop with a drug dealer and no phone.

Euron walked back to his brother behind the counter, he had lost his own name tag a long time ago and was using Harry's.

"Whatcha got there? Porn? Let us see" Euron said draping an arm over his brother's.

"Thought she looked familiar," Vic murmured.

"She's an adult actress? Euron's blue eyes widened unnaturally, he was obviously impressed by girl in the booth's occupation.

"No you bell-end," Vic said pushing his phone towards Euron.

It was the local tabloid, the headline read "Choking on humble pie Lord Tywin quits as royal chief of staff."

The story was a few weeks old he saw a picture of Cersei with a cross over it and a larger picture of Elia Martell with a tick on it.

"Lannister aye?" Euron smirked

"Don't even think it his brother warned you know what her father's capable of."

"And you know what I'm capable of just wait and watch Vic."

"I could give you a ride home," Euron offered Cersei leaning against the counter

"Yeah no thanks I'd rather not be in tomorrow's headlines stupid girl found dead in gutter."

"Oh come now a gutter? I'd at least leave you on a bench."

A handsome lanky boy walked in, "Hey Vic," he called out raising his hand.

"Hey knobhead," Vic nodded from behind the counter.

Cersei's eyes widened as "knobhead" and "Harry" kissed in front of her

"Still using this?" "knobhead" asked pulling off the other boy's nametag

"Keeps you close Har," the other boy put his hand over his heart

"Euron you're a lazy sod, but you get points for being a hopeless romantic."

"Hopeless romantic?" Euron asked eyes sparkling with humour.

"Hopeless in general," Harry said cupping Euron's face, "I don't know what you're going to do without me."

"Starve, get arrested, die or all of the above?" Euron suggested.

"Euron? what kind of name is that?" Cersei cringed, "it sounds like urine, speaking off I need to go." She squeezed past Harry and Euron.

"Here," Harry showed Euron a plane ticket, "I leave tonight I just wanted to say bye, we've always been on and off and lately it's been more off than on."

"You're… breaking up with me?" Euron asked in shock.

"Oh don't give me that face," Harry frowned "I've seen the way you look at little miss stuck up muffett."

Euron just grinned back, "she's fit eh?"

Harry sighed "how can I go off to Essos knowing you're going to get yourself killed by Lord Tywin?"

Euron checked out his reflection on a metallic napkin dispenser, and ran his hand through his hair.

"You can't be serious Euron, she's practically royalty and you know what her family's like."

"My family has done worse euron shrugged ive done worse," Euron told Harry

"You're not her type she wants a prince not a sewer rat," Harry shook his head.

"Sea rat?" Euron actually looked hurt.

"Sewer rat," Harry corrected Euron

"I thought you loved me," Euron pouted.

"I can love you and still think that you are a sewer rat. Take my advice and do not pursue this girl."

"Will you come back?" Euron asked hopefully.

"Maybe not. I got a job offer at a joint called the golden company looks permanent. Maybe you can come visit…"

Euron turned his attention to Cersei as she emerged from the toilets

"She's not going to fall for whatever you're planning," Harry pinched the bridge of his nose.

"You fell for it," Euron smirked

"For what?" Harry scowled.

"The Greyjoy charm, treat them mean keep them keen, hasn't failed me yet," Euron pounded his chest.

Cersei hoped that the day that she met the love of her life would erase this night from her mind. Especially the ladies bathroom. She would have to soak her hands in dettol after touching that door knob. the orange liquid on the floor was rusted water. She shuddered, her scalp tingled and her skin crawled. Rusted water. She chanted softly in her head, it was rusted water. She ignored the scrawls on the wall talking about which Greyjoy was the best in the sack.

"Euron, she'll be the death of you," Harry murmured softly.

"I can't wait," Euron told him with a laugh as his eyes shone.

"Okay you can drive me home," she announced happily, when she returned to the very attractive couple.

Harry sighed and face palmed as Euron got out his keys.

"Wait… you're not pretending to be gay to get me to trust you right?" Cersei asked narrowing her eyes.

"That's the most self-centred and offensive things I've heard, mind you I talk to myself," Euron frowned a deep crease appearing in his brow.

"No. I am quite most definitely gay. I'm Harry, Harry Strikland, by the way, and this is Euron I'm a degenerate Greyjoy."

"Cersei. It's so nice to meet you, you have terrible taste in men by the way."

"I know but anything is better than an empty bed," Harry said pursing his lips.

"No, an empty bed sounds much better than a drug dealing fish and chips selling rude," Cersei was lecturing Harry when she was rudely interrupted.

"Bye Har, Vic wash your hands after wanking at the counter aye?" Euron said heading to the door, "coming princess?"

"What happened to "my queen"?" Cersei asked lightly

"Vic told me you're a Lannister," Euron told her, it was time to throw her family's disgrace in her face.

"Yes I am, so what? Can't Lannisters be queens?", Cersei smiled at Euron, this was nice. She'd never gotten the hang of making friends, every girl was competition for Jaime and everyone who wasn't them was an enemy.

"No everyone knows you have no royal blood, and the king rejected your father's suggestion for you to marry the prince said you were…"

Cersei's smile faded. "Servants, the king said we were servants and that I wasn't good enough to marry his son."

"You're upset."

"No shit Sherlock, you git," she glared at him, hands on her hips.

"If it makes you feel any better," he began step 2, step 1 was insult, step 2 was to show that he understood and had suffered the same thing or worse.

"No. Nothing will make me feel better about my father's humiliation and my not being good enough to marry the prince."

They walked quietly to the carpark.

Euron was wracking his brain, it usually worked, she should be trying to comfort him or tell him how well he understood her and how grateful she was that he knew how she felt.

"Where's your car?" she asked in that snooty tone. There wasn't a car in sight.

"I never said I had a car," he said handing her a helmet and got on the most terrifying motorcycle Cersei had ever seen, it looked like it had come straight from hell, it was black and red and gold.

*One hour later*

Euron helped Cersei off his bike and was helping her take the helmet off.

"You're quiet," she said fluffing her hair out.

"I like silence, which is why…"

"This is going to sound ridiculous but I want you to pretend to be my boyfriend," she interrupted him

"To make the prat on the phone jealous?" Euron guessed

She nodded, he wasn't as stupid as he looked, she noted.

"What's in it for me?" he asked cheekily.

"You get to be seen with me and people will forget that you're a dodgy drugdealing arsehole," she rolled her eyes he should be so lucky to be seen with her.

"I'm not just a drugdealer you know."

"Oh?" she asked, curious.

"Me and my lads we steal cars too," he bragged

"I'll just pretend I did not hear that," Cersei rubbed her temples and was having second thoughts as her new friend started listing his rather long list of criminal activities

"Don't you need to ask Harry?" she interrupted him again

"Nah."

"Nah?" she asked incredulously

"Nah we broke up," he shrugged

"When?" She asked surprised.

"When you were in the loo," he said vaguely

"Why?" she asked suspiciously.

He looked her up and down licked his top lip and bit his lower lip.

When she asked "well?" with her hands on her hips, he realised that his patented Euron-Greyjoy-lip- lick-lip-bite signature move didn't work he was confused.

"Okay never you mind, Harry's too good for a bell-end like you. Ground rules, no sex but that's not an issue since I'm not your type no touching because you smell like fish and chips and you need a phone…" Cersei had to think fast as she saw the front door open.

"You expect anyone to believe im your boyfriend if I don't touch you?" Euron scoffed.

"The implication is enough, besides my aunt told me about your lot, a girl can fall pregnant just by standing next to a Greyjoy."

"That's a theory worth testing aye," he smirked at her.

"Oh god he's here," she clapped her hands together, step one in 'operation: using a disgusting criminal to make Jaime worry about me so that he spends all his time with me' was finally going to start without a hitch.

"Who?" Euron asked, the girl wasn't interested in him, that was apparent but it was just inconceivable, he'd never failed to seduce anyone before it was a travesty.

"Jaime."

"Jaime? Oliver?"

"Jaime," she insisted, "You're meant to make him jealous."

Euron looked at the approaching blonde boy, oh yes the golden boy, won some national fencing competitions and was the captain of the rugby team for some fancy nancy boy's school.

"Right," Euron said pulling Cersei in for a kiss. She was so surprised that she didn't enjoy it till it end and then protested when he pulled away. She grabbed the sleeve of his leather jacket when she realised that she a Lannister had liked kissing a Greyjoy. She would have to gargle with half a bottle of Listerine tonight.

"I…I thought you were gay," she whispered angrily.

"I thought only Targareyns were into incest, and mind you Harry broke up with me because you're exactly my type," he whispered, his breath tickling her ear.

"You, you fucking wanker!" she hissed.

"See you later my queen," he winked and sauntered away to his bike.

The end?