It's My Party,
I Won't Come If I Want To
Written for Cheshyre as part of the 2008 Laverne and Shirley Holiday Fanfic Exchange
Scene I: Lunch break at Shotz Brewery
The lunchroom at Shotz's brewery was crowded, as usual. Laverne DeFazio and Shirley Feeney, in their bottle capper's uniforms of blue-grey overcoats and bland kerchiefs, sat at their usual table with their lunches. Their two neighbors Lenny and Squiggy, who could probably also be called their friends, entered the lunchroom and made a straight line to their table.
"Hello, girls," Squiggy said. "Are you two ready?"
"For what," Laverne asked, uninterested. Whenever Lenny and Squiggy were excited about something, it was usually not all that interesting at all.
"Today they're gonna announce the annual winners!" Lenny responded, very excitedly, as he sat backwards on his chair.
"Oh! That's right, Laverne!" Shirley chimed in, now also very excited. "Mr. Shotz is going to be announcing the new list of Employees of the Year today!"
"That's right. And we're a shoe-in!" Squiggy said, confidently. Lenny nodded. Laverne just chuckled.
"We are!" Lenny said in defiance.
"And what makes you two think you're gonna be the truck drivers of the year?" Shirley asked, skeptically.
"We got ... photographs!" Lenny said, patting his chest, then reaching for the inside pocket of his jacket.
"No, Len!" Squiggy interrupted, grabbing Lenny's arm. "Not yet. That's our insurance policy."
"Oh, yeah. That's right." Lenny let out a goofy laugh.
"Attention, Shotz's employees." The voice boomed over the loudspeaker.
"It's Mr. Shotz!" Shirley squealed.
"Your attention, please. I would like to announce the names of our employees of the year..."
"Aw. Who cares about that, anyway," Laverne said, as she continued to eat her sandwich. "All you get is your name on a plaque."
"Oh no, Laverne," Shirley corrected her friend, enthusiastically. "You also get your photo up in the hallway."
"Yeah. Next to the bathrooms." Laverne was not interested - not in the least.
"Well, that's where everyone can see it," Shirley continued.
"Huh, what does she care!" Squiggy interrupted. "Everyone sees Laberne's name when they go to the bathroom, anyway!" Both Squiggy and Lenny began to laugh, like a couple of schoolboys. Lenny bit the palm of his hand as he made a rude noise.
"Why, I oughtta!" Laverne responded, standing up.
"Shhh!" Shirley jumped in, tugging at her friend's sleeve. "Come on, Laverne. What do you expect from those two?" She pointed at the boys, who were still giggling over their joke.
"She can aspect a good time, judging from what that note on the wall says!" Squiggy added, again egging her on.
"Aw, come on, guys," Laverne said, cynically. "You know these things are always fixed! It's always about who kisses up to who!
"Or who blackmails who!" Squiggy said, in a sneaky voice. Lenny nodded, and began to laugh again while he rubbed his pocket. The two boys then started to chatter back and forth, spinning tales of outrageous conspiracy theories consisting of bribes, blackmail, and a new blonde secretary named Bernice.
"Now, from the motor pool,"
Lenny was the one to hush his friends this time.
"Ha ha! It's our turn!"
Both Lenny and Squiggy closed their eyes tightly, and began to whisper a chant that sounded like "please be me."
"From the motor pool, the Shotz Driver of the Year is Joey Mincola."
The two boys both let out a short and loud "Yeah!" exclamation, but soon they realized they had actually lost. Their expressions went from surprise, to enraged, then to acceptance.
"You see. Even blackmail don't work!" Laverne said, skeptically.
"Man! What a gyp!" Lenny said, shaking his head.
"I can't believe it!" Squiggy's voice sounded like it was going to crack. He turned around and shouted to the loudspeaker. "Mr. Shotz! Do you have any idea what we are going to do with these photos?"
With a contemplative look on his face, Lenny turned to Squiggy and asked a very serious question.
"You think I should have told Mr. Shotz we had photos, first?"
"Shhhhh!" Shirley interrupted the two of them, trying to listen to the next series of names from various departments.
"And the Shotz Secretary of the Year, from the Personnel Department, is Bernice Chesterfield."
"BERNI-I-I-I-CE!" the two boys squealed in unison, once again gnawing on their palms and making primitive grunts and groans. Lenny once again tried to take out the photos from his pocket, but Squiggy once again stopped him.
"Would you two...!?" Shirley responded, in a matronly voice.
"Next, from the Bottle Capping department..."
"Laverne!" Shirley began to squeal in anticipation, surprising even the boys. "We're next! Bottle capping!"
"Aw, come on, Shirl. Who cares..." Laverne got up from the table and walked over to her locker, almost annoyed.
"The employee of the year is Laverne DeFazio."
For a brief moment, the room was silent. Laverne stopped, mid-step in silent disbelief, while the rest of the room waited for her reaction. Finally, Shirley, Lenny and Squiggy got up, held hands, and began to jump up and down in excitement. They hopped over, in one big jumping mass, to Laverne. The three pulled at her arms, and tried to get her to join in on the excitement.
Laverne seemed partly confused, but mainly annoyed at all the attention. All eyes in the employee's lunch room were on her. She thought she saw a few people near the door whisper. Suddenly, she felt very self-conscious, and she didn't like it one bit. It wasn't the type of attention she enjoyed at all.
"Aw, no!" Laverne began to whine, in protest of her new honorary title. "Why'd it have to be me..."
"Oh Verney!" Shirley said, trying to calm Laverne down. " It's a big honor!"
"Come on, Shirl. You know what happens when stuff like this happens. People look at you funny...They think you .... you know... did a little vo-dee-o-doe with Mr. Shotz! Then they start to treat you different...I don't want none of that."
She looked around the lunchroom, and noticed that the more fuss she made, the more people stared at her. All she wanted to do was crawl into her locker and hide.
Mr. Shotz continued to read through his list of employees. As he spoke, a spectacled man in a tight suit walked in the door. He called out Laverne's name, holding up a large envelope.
"Here! She's here!" Shirley enthusiastically cried out, pointing to her friend beside her.
"Miss DeFazio. Congratulations!" The man in the glasses approached, handing out an envelope in front of him. "You are one of Shotz Brewery's finest employees!"
Shirley and Lenny were smiling. Squiggy was still upset at the upstage. Laverne simply looked mortified. The man approached the small group, but before he could reach them, Laverne pushed away, pushed past the man, and made her way for the door.
"Laverne?!"
"You think it's so great, Shirl?" Laverne cried out behind her. "Well, then, you take it!"
The lunchroom was silent, as everyone stood in shock at Laverne's exit. Finally, the man approached Shirley and handed her the envelope with a shrug, quickly turned on his heels, and left.
Shirley held the envelope in her hand, dying of curiosity. She squirmed, visibly uncomfortable. She was dying to open it to see what was inside. The boys finally looked away, gazed around the room, and started to whistle, giving her silent permission to sneak a peak. Still uncomfortable, but giving into her curiosity, she quickly took a look inside. As she looked, her bottom jaw dropped, and then she let out a loud squeal.
"Twenty dollars!"
"What?!" Lenny and Squiggy both responded, turning back towards Shirley. Without hesitation, and seemingly sharing a brain (no doubt of unknown origin), the two boys started grabbing for the envelope. Shirley held it high in the air, then wiggled and squirmed her way out of reach. Finally, she pulled herself, and the envelope, away. Looking around the room, and straightening her clothes and hair, she tried to recompose herself.
"Would you two behave like normal human beings?"
"Oh yeah?" Squiggy responded. "You and what army?"
Shirley, confused by the response, shook her head, then leaned in to whisper an explanation for the boys.
"Would you two listen! Not only did Laverne get Bottle Capper of the Year, but she also got a bonus."
"A bonus?!"
"Yes! Twenty dollars!"
Lenny's mouth fell open in shock and surprise, while Squiggy's mental cogs began to turn.
"Lenny, give me those photos!"
"Would you two stop it!" Shirley reprimanded the two.
"Yeah. Yeah. You're right. Anyway, with all that dough, we could have ourselves a big party...." Squiggy said, cooly. Lenny nodded at the idea. Then once again, Lenny and Squiggy began to mumble and conspire, tossing around plans for beer, naughty movies, and a few casual mentions of Bernice.
"That's a great idea!" Shirley said slowly, clutching the envelope next to her chest.
"Really?" Lenny asked, innocently. "You really think Bernice will come?"
"Well, of course," Squiggy added, as he pointed to Lenny's jacket pocket.
"No, no, you nincompoops!" Shirley said, exasperated. "A party. For Laverne!"
"For Laverne?" Lenny asked, again, quite innocently. "I didn't think she even knew Bernice...!"
Squiggy shrugged, going along with the logic, as the two boys walked out the door.