This was hell, Maddie reflected, staring at the muffin in her hand.
"What are you thinking about?" Buck asked, glancing up from his phone. "You've been silent for five minutes now, and usually when we do breakfast, you can't stop talking."
"I don't know," she sighed, putting the muffin down.
"Not hungry?" He wondered, crooking a brow. "I thought you loved these muffins. They're paleo."
"Well, Gloria may have ruined them for me, just a little bit," she chuckled. "That's a small part of this."
Buck sighed. "You've been really down lately, Maddie. Please, talk to me."
"It's just…" She took a deep breath. "I didn't expect I'd ever fall in love again. I didn't want to fall in love again. Being in love is torturous."
Buck's eyebrow was still raised. "Maddie?"
"I thought I was done with this bullshit," she sighed. "I haven't felt like this since...since before I married Doug. I forgot how much it sucks."
Now Buck was silent, but he finally spoke. "Who are we-sorry, you-in love with?"
She felt her cheeks flush. "You know who I'm in love with," she mumbled, taking this opportunity to bite into her muffin.
"Yeah, but I'm going to make you say it," he said.
"I'm in love with Chimney," she said, after a long pause. "Or at least, I really like him."
"No, you're in love," he said, laughing a little and leaning back in his seat. "You're in the deep end, Maddie. You're screwed."
"I know," she groaned, covering her face with her hands. "But I don't want to be. This is unfair and this is not what I wanted. Buck. I have no idea if he feels the same way. I really think he does, I do. We spend so much time together and he's so kind to me and I know that there is at least a...a...fondness, but I don't know if I should say something, I don't know if I should wait for him to say something."
Buck burst out laughing. "Maddie, Chimney is crazy about you," he said. "How could you doubt that? He spends every minute he can with you, and whenever you text he's thinking about it the rest of the day."
"But maybe we're just friends," she insisted. "I was so vulnerable and Chimney might have just jumped into big brother mode."
"Maddie," Buck began, but she interrupted him.
"Buck, I don't want to feel friendzoned right now," she began. "Just listen. I know this is windy, but I don't really have girlfriends right now that I can talk to about this and I need to hear from someone else."
"Okay," he said, crossing his arms. "Give me what you got."
"I feel so grateful for Chimney," she continued, words halting. "He is the type of friend I never expected to have, and I feel...guilty for wanting more. I feel like I already have so much from him and it's just ungrateful to not be satisfied with what I have. We spend time together, we hug, we're so close right now, and I feel like I should be happy with what I have, but I'm not." There was a hard lump in her throat and she fought to keep talking, feeling tears well up. "I don't want to lose him," she said. "I love him, but I don't want to ruin this, whatever it is. I don't want to definie our relationship if the definition isn't what I want it to be, but if we leave it up in the air, I might actually lose my mind from trying to figure out what's going on."
She was crying now, and she could feel that Buck was a little out of his depth, but he got up from where he sat, and came over to give her an awkward hug.
Teenage Maddie wouldn't have believed this moment. Teenage Maddie would have rolled her eyes and vowed to never be so vulnerable with her younger, immature brother. But Buck had changed, so much, and she felt comfortable being honest with him for the first time in their lives.
"I don't know what to say," he admitted, patting her on the back like she was a baby that needed to be burped. It was clumsy comfort, but it was comforting, and she settled into his arms. "I think that it's crazy that you can't see how much Chimney likes you. But I also know where you're coming from. You don't know where you stand right now, and that's torture." He was quiet for a minute. "I think a lot of my relationship with Abby, we weren't on firm ground. Like, we were. We knew each other well, and we had an established, like, friendship before we started dating or sleeping together. But I don't know how honest we were, even after."
He kissed her on the top of her head. "Maddie, falling in love with your best friend is just, like, part of the human condition. If you're close to someone, and you're at the right time in your life, it happens. Don't feel bad about wanting more. It doesn't mean what you have isn't enough."
He fell silent again. "That's all I've got," he admitted, a minute later. "I don't know about the rest. I think you and Chimney go well together and you make each other happy, and as weird as it would be to see you guys start...dating...I support you."
"But what if we break up?" Maddie whispered, her voice broken. "What if he does like me back, and we start dating, and it ends badly? I can't handle another broken heart."
"I firmly believe you can handle anything that life throws at you at this point," Buck said. "Listen to me right now. You are one of the strongest people that I know. If your heart breaks, it will mend and you aren't going to break with it. I will literally stand here holding you together."
She burst out laughing. "You'll just come to work with me and like, clutch my arms all day, making sure I don't fall apart."
"If that's what it takes," he told her. "And besides that, what if you don't break up? What if you two are together for fifty years? It's kind even odds right now, as far as we can tell."
He pulled away, digging through his pockets and grabbing a quarter. "I don't know if that math is right but it doesn't matter. Heads it works out, tails it doesn't. And we can stand here and flip this coin for hours, and it'll be a fifty/fifty shot."
The coin clattered to the ground, and Maddie watched it spin around, her heart beating. Heads.
Buck shrugged as he picked it up. "And to end on a really corny note, you miss all the shots you don't take," he said.
Chimney texted early the next day that he'd be getting off early that night.
I'm getting off at five instead of eight. Did you want to do something? I think you said you were off (Chimney)
I am off. Do you want to come over? We can get takeout or something (Maddie)
I'll be there around 5:30 (Chimney)
Sounds good (Maddie)
It was nearing 5:15, and Maddie had changed her clothes five times already. She knew it didn't matter what she wore, and Chimney wouldn't care if she wore a paper bag, but her heart was pounding and her mouth was dry, and she was so nervous tonight.
She wanted to tell him. If the timing felt right, and there was a pause in the evening...She had to tell him. She had to tell him or she'd lose her mind.
She smoothed sweaty hands over her pants, finally settling on leggings and a long sweater. She couldn't think about this any longer.
A glass of wine was what she needed, she thought to herself, rushing down the stairs and tumbling into the kitchen. She poured a glass of chardonnay and settled onto the couch, trying to calm down.
And then she heard his knock at the door, much sooner than she'd thought it would be, and she went on shaking legs to open it up.
They hugged. She felt like she wasn't experiencing it so much as watching them, watching how nervous she was and how fast she was talking about nonsensical topics.
It took them half an hour to decide what to eat, mainly because Maddie kept changing her mind. She couldn't take her eyes off of Chimney. The way his eyes crinkled when he smiled. How he sounded when he laughed. How often he laughed around her.
Oh my god. She made him happy, didn't she?
Her mind was working at a lightning speed, going back through previous encounters. Chimney had his own fears and doubts about himself. She knew he wasn't always that confident, especially around women, and that his heart had been broken too many times before.
She knew about Tatiana and deeply resented the woman, not only for hurting him so badly, but for getting the chance to love him and not realizing what a great gift it was.
They ate dinner, and they kept talking. She marveled at how there was always a new conversation topic, how it was never hard to talk to him. He talked about his childhood, which reminded her of a book she'd read, which would take him to something that happened in college.
She loved him, she realized anew, her heart pounding as she took a bite of noodles.
She loved him, as they washed the dishes together and joked about how she still got lost in LA.
She loved him, she knew, as they played a fierce game of battleship, which he narrowly won.
She loved him, her heart ached, as she could feel the evening draw to a close.
The lump in her throat was back and they were sitting together on the couch in sudden dead silence.
Her cheeks felt hot, and her breathing was coming quicker. Every part of her body was pulsing, flushed, anxious.
She was smiling at him, she realized, unable to keep the glow off of her face.
He glanced up at her. "What?" He wondered, smiling in return.
"I don't know," she said, ducking her head, and he sighed, shaking his.
Silence again, and Maddie found herself placing a hand on his shoulder. He glanced at his shoulder, his eyes registering it, and his eyes met hers for a brief moment before turning back away. He was rubbing his hands together, and she could see his lips working as he tried to piece words together.
She leaned on his shoulder, her heartbeat still quick, and he calmed her. Being close to him calmed her, so much.
"Maddie," he began, and then stopped again, flustered.
She pulled back, crossing her legs and turning on the couch to face him.
He turned to face her now, and his hand slowly came to take hers.
"I like you," he said slowly. "And I know that we might not be ready for...for a next step, or to talk about this, but I really like you."
She couldn't even breathe right now. Her cheeks were scarlet red and she felt every part of her body literally pumping with happiness. Her heartbeat was in her ears and she tried to find words to respond with.
"Chimney, I'm ready," she whispered, unable to speak louder she was so nervous. "I like you too. I've been dying this past month trying to figure out what you wanted, trying to see if telling you would ruin everything."
He made a choked sound, his hand tightening over hers. "Oh my god, Maddie," he whispered, and she moved forward, throwing her arms around his neck.
It was a tight hug, a much needed hug, and she felt much calmer once she pulled back, taking his hand in hers.
"You're going to be the first person I've dated since Doug. I need to move slowly," she told him. "Really slowly. Like glacier slow."
He smiled, squeezing tight. "I'm okay with that," he told her. "You make me happy, Maddie Buckley. So happy."
"Howie Han, I never thought I'd ever feel like this again, and before you told me you liked me back, I didn't think it was a good thing that I did," she chuckled, and he hugged her again, and they fell silent.
When she pulled back, she couldn't tear her eyes off of his lips.
But she wasn't ready for that. She couldn't handle the physical side yet, and she needed to learn new patterns; she needed to create competely new pathways in her brain.
"I want to kiss you right now," she told him, her voice still low. "If I didn't care so much about how this relationship goes, I'd be climbing on your lap right now and we'd be making out. But I do. I can't risk this not lasting, Chim. I don't want to burn too hot."
He held her hands tighter. "Maddie, I don't want to burn too hot either," he said. "Whenever, wherever the boundaries are, I won't step past them. I don't want to."
She nodded. "Well. You can want to."
He laughed, a choked sound that ended quickly. "I want to," he admitted. "But not at the risk of you."
"You need to go home," she whispered, a few minutes later. "Or i'm going to do something I regret."
"Yeah," he replied, and the air around them was suddenly too heavy.
Her arms felt heavy, her head felt heavy.
She could feel his gaze on her lips, and she could feel how hard it was for him to stand up.
They hugged again, at the door, lingering, tight. "I'll see you later," he told her, and she nodded, closing the door behind him and running to pick up her phone, texting Buck in all capital letters.
CHIMNEY LIKES ME (Maddie)
Of course he does (Buck)
A girlfriend would have asked to hear everything, and Maddie didn't expect another response, but her phone was ringing and it was her brother on the other line.
"Are you happy?" He asked. "Are we all good now?"
"Yeah," she told him, her smile showing in her voice. "We're dating now. I have a boyfriend."
"Oh my god, it's sixth grade and Zach Johnson all over again," he said.
"Shut up, it's so much different," she laughed. "Buck. Thank you."
"You're welcome," he replied. "Is the coast clear? Can I come home now?"
"Yes," she replied, going up the stairs. "Come home."
A/N: Late author's note. I'm going to try to include Buck more in my madney stories. I think he's a great character, I just shy from writing him because I don't know if I'm getting the tone right. But I think the sibling relationship is amazing and should be explored more.
In more personal news, this chapter and story is going to be almost fully based off of what's happening in my life right now. I have my own Chimney and last night he finally told me he likes after a month of me dying inside wondering what we were doing. So updates will depend on how things go there :D
But Maddie in this chapter is literally me this past month, wondering if my boo liked me back, and hating the feeling of being in love and ceding control again. I've been single for seven months now, and I was kind of hoping to be single longer, but my heart said differently, and, thank god, my boo did too. Love y'all. Everyone deserves their own Chimney. Someone who's patient and kind and doesn't push needed boundaries. Someone you have a real friendship with. Guysssssssss I love Chimney and Maddie and I LOVE that I can see myself in them. If this doesn't happen on the show I'll be sad but I'll understand :) ~Meowser