note: I'm starting the new year with a multi-chapter fic. Oh boy. May god help me.

Episode 1: The Melancholy of Selphie Tilmitt

It all started with a simple declaration.

"I am the center of the universe."

And from there on out, my life was changed.

But lets back up for a second and let me introduce myself. My name is Riku. No, I don't have a last name, you can go ahead and triple check that game booklet of yours, and yes, if push comes to shove the giant heads at Square Enix will gift me with a half-assed Japanese last name if need be. Not that I wouldn't mind having a last name, but not having one has its perks. It makes it harder for people to find my number in the yellow pages, but I digress.

Let's take a moment here to analyze the statement my dear friend Selphie Tilmitt has said above.

"I am the center of the universe."

Now when one reads this, the first thought that comes to mind is "Wow, aren't you a special little snow flake," but snark aside, it is physically impossible for a single human being to be the driving cosmic force of an entire universe made up of hundreds of planets, thousands of stars, and millions of gateways to alternate universes that harbor billions of ridiculously inaccurate plot holes (trust me, those things do exist, after all, I'm in one).

So when Selphie made this declaration on the roof top of our school one afternoon, I didn't know whether to laugh or be horrified.

"The safety of this universe heavily relies on the stability of my happiness."

I went with the latter and recoiled in fear.

I looked at the rest of my friends who were dragged up here with me. Tidus blinked a couple of times, making sure his eyes believed what his ears just heard. Wakka didn't say anything. He was busy trying not to look down despite not being near the edge of the five story building (his unfortunate fear of heights will be something Selphie will exploit later on, I'm sure). Sora looked confused as he chewed on his bottom lip in thought and tilted his head to the side. Kairi seemed the most sympathetic as she walked up to the perky brunette and smiled.

"Selphie, are you feeling okay?" she asked, placing her hands on the top of Selphie's shoulders.

Good, I wasn't the only one who thought that Selphie was a little on the bonkers side. But Selphie didn't think so. In fact, she scrunched up her face and pouted her lips.

"What do you mean if I feel okay?" She took a step back, letting Kairi's hands slip off her shoulders. "I feel fine!"

Cue cute bounce and hello kitty pose number six. While everyone was distracted, or more apparently, gawked, I slowly inched my way backwards towards the exit.

"So let me get this straight," Tidus piped up after his comatose state. The way he was scratching the back of his head looked as though he was trying really hard to figure this thing out. "You're the center of the universe, and the universe's safety solely relies on how happy you are?"

"Pretty much." Selphie didn't even flinch when she said that.

"That's bullshit!"

"Language!" Selphie threatened, a finger pointing at Tidus' lips. "It's completely plausible, you know. It's been scientifically proven over the past few months."

Tidus raised an eyebrow, looking more skeptical than curious.

"How?"

"Well, remember that thunderstorm a while back that knocked out the power for about a week?" Selphie pointed to herself as she leaned in closer to Tidus in an almost confrontational stance. "That was me. It happened after I stubbed my toe and cursed up a storm in rage."

Tidus frowned.

"It's hurricane season, hectic storms like that tend to happen," he said, clearly not buying into her excuse.

Which was true, but lately the island has been hit with an unusual amount of tropical rain storms. It's a miracle that everything isn't underwater yet.

"Can we talk about this somewhere else? I think I'm feeling a bit lightheaded, ya?"

"What about that earthquake two months back?" she asked, ignoring Wakka, who at moment was sweating bullets. "That was me too!"

"That was a dormant volcano waking up, it was on the news."

This was also true, only as soon as scientists went to study the volcano on location; they discovered that the mountain went back to being dormant.

"The point is," she said, stopping Tidus from speaking any further by placing her face mere inches away from his face. "That any change in my mood can prove to be catastrophic to this world."

Selphie stepped back from Tidus' personal space bubble.

"Who's to say what will happen when I really blow a fuse?" She grabbed Tidus' tie and pulled him close, bringing him eye to eye level. "The world implodes? The universe explodes?" Then she started violently shaking him. "I can't afford for that to happen! I have to see who Tyra chooses in the next cycle of America's Next Top Model!"

Selphie was really going for the hysterics here. But I didn't say anything. In fact, I doubt anyone knows I'm there. I'm just a silent innocent by standard…or a ninja.

Anyway, I doubt anyone else cares that I'm slowly, but surely making my way towards the exit.

Tidus pulled himself free, hands working effortlessly at smoothing out his ruffled shirt and blue plaid tie.

"So you're the center of the universe, big deal. Still doesn't mean anything." He crossed his arms over his chest as if to prove he was angry. "You still suck at sparring." He scowled.

"Jealously will get you no where Tidus," Selphie chimed, "Jealously will get. You. No. Where."

"I think I'm going to be sick, ya." Wakka didn't look so good, what with his drunken swaying and all.

"I should take Wakka to the nurse." Kairi looked at Wakka worriedly. She quickly went to his side when he looked like he was about to faint.

"And how did you reach this conclusion anyway?" Tidus questioned, completely ignoring the fact that his best friend was turning a nice shade of green. "It's not like you woke up one day and decided that today was the day you were going to be the center of the universe."

I was only a foot away from the door. A little more and sweet succulent freedom would be mine!

"Thanks to Riku, I was able to figure things out."

I stood there, stiff as a board, as everyone turned around from a smiling Selphie and blared their cold hard gazes onto me. They were looks that spoke volumes, from "what the hell have you done!" from Tidus, to the "you should know better than to make careless comments around Selphie" from Kairi. Sora just looked very disappointed at me while Wakka was the only one I couldn't read because he just looked dizzy.

I felt my shoulders slump like a little boy being sent to his room without dessert.

I sighed.

I know I didn't directly tell her that she was the center of the universe, but I can see how what I have said may have influenced her way of thinking.

It all started about a couple of months ago. I sit in front of Selphie in our classroom.

A quick explanation as to why I'm in the same class as Sora, Kairi, and Selphie. I was held back a year after my journey of saving the worlds with Sora. I knew I was capable of passing the placement exam to go to my appropriate grade level, but I found it too troublesome to even bother. Did I mention that I am as lazy as I am roguishly handsome?

Moving on.

I walked into class one day and saw Selphie staring blankly out the window. I was alarmed. Selphie Tilmitt was sitting at her desk staring vacantly out the window instead of moving about the room, mixing her aggressively perky self into other people's conversations.

I approached my desk warily and sat down.

I waited for her to strike up a conversation with me, but it never came. So when five minutes went by and I couldn't take her eerie silence anymore, I slowly turned around and with a causal air about me, asked her what was wrong.

"I'm bored." She responded. Her gaze never left the window, which worried me. I shifted in my seat a little to turn and face her completely.

"But you're Selphie."

"Yeah. So?" She turned to finally look at me and I swear I probably made a choking sound on the spot. Selphie has these very intense green eyes that sparkle when she's happy, but take on a wild forest green color when she's somber. At the moment I was staring into a jungle like forest and quickly losing myself in its thick foliage. I averted my eyes towards my fellow students, the ones still mingling about before our homeroom teacher came in to do roll call.

"You're never bored." I said offhandedly. I leaned back a little, slouching a bit into my seat.

"Well guess what? I'm bored." She frowned and turned to look out the window again.

It was disheartening to see Selphie this calm. So I straightened up and thought about her situation. We may not be as close friends as she was with Kairi, but we were still friends, and as a friend I should at least try to think of a solution for her.

"Then why don't you try out for a club?" I finally conjured after a minute of thinking. Getting her involved in an activity after school could probably cure her of her boredom.

Thinking back on it now, I wish I'd gone back in time and beat my past self senseless. Friends my ass, my careless advice would soon bite me later in the butt. But I'm getting ahead of the plot.

So over the next month, Selphie tried out for every single club in the school. One would think a person would eventually find their niche after trying out all of the combined twenty eight clubs, teams, and committees in our school. But Selphie barely lasted beyond a day without bouncing to another group. Turns out she was either too abrasive when it came to running clubs, too competitive for sports teams, or too assertive for committees.

The day when she finally gave up, Selphie sat alone in our classroom. I'd just come from changing out of my gym clothes and told Sora to wait for me while I went to get my book bag. I didn't expect to see Selphie sitting at her desk in the empty classroom. But there she was, still dressed in her gym uniform, staring out the window.

Besides noticing that she was alone and still dressed in her gym clothes, I noticed that she had her hair up in a pony tail. It wasn't anything unique, lots of girls wear their hair up, but it was different from the usual hair flip I was used to seeing.

"Looks good," I said, taking a seat at my desk.

She turned from her window watching and glared at me. She used her forest green eyes again.

"I mean your hair. When it's up like that, it looks good."

And it did. I've always had a thing for girls with pony tails. But Selphie didn't seem to appreciate the complement because she glared at me even harder. Is that even possible?

Anyway, she rolled her eyes at me and shook her head as if saying "Stop. You just don't get me" and went back to staring out the window again.

I sighed and slouched in my seat with my back against the short wall and window. I leaned my head back, mind racing with possible remedies that wouldn't get me maimed or killed on the spot. I turned slightly to look at her and saw that her frowning forehead, the small pout, and vacant eyes didn't really communicate that she was angry. She looked more upset, more hurt. Can it be possible that the ever perky Selphie Tilmitt is susceptible to a little bit of unhappiness in her life? Maybe she's always been this unhappy and we never bothered to notice. Maybe she forces herself to smile and say that everything is alright even though she's hurting. It could be, that at the moment, she's too tired to keep up her happy persona seeing as she was probably rejected by the majority of the teams and clubs she's tried out for.

But that couldn't be. This was Selphie Tilmitt here. She was the girl in the yellow dress that lived down the street from me. She was the girl that dreamed big, and truly believed that her prince charming was out there somewhere, waiting to whisk her away on his magical unicorn or something.

I sat up and thought.

Is there something more to her? Is Selphie Tilmitt capable of having layers to her personality?

The silence between us was making me feel sort of awkward and it didn't help that the room was beginning to feel stuffy.

"How's the club search?" I asked, hoping that the question would open up some conversation. "Find something you like doing?"

"No," was her tart reply.

"Really?" I turned around in my seat and faced her.

"Did you try for the tennis team?"

Cue murderous glare. How unfortunate that I didn't burst into flames.

"So I'll take a wild guess and say things didn't go so well."

"All these clubs are stupid." She spat. "There's nothing unique or fun about them. They're just clones of clubs all high schools in the entire universe have."

My left eyebrow twitched. They were high school clubs. What was she expecting them to be? Mafia controlled Mile high clubs?

"Why don't you make up your own if you're so picky?"

And that's the point folks, where I wish I bit my tongue and bled to death. Who knew that such a reply would lead to a world of chaos and destruction at the hands of little miss sunshine? But of course at the time, I didn't know I was foolishly playing with the lid to Pandora's Box.

A week or so later, Selphie gave me a rude awakening.

It actually happened today. I, being a serious and studious student, was spacing out during Japanese History when all of a sudden someone from behind yanked my hair, sending my head backwards to collide with the hard wooden surface of a desk.

"I got it!"

The entire class turned to gape at Selphie as she posed.

I, on the other hand, shot up once the numb sensation at the back of my skull began to throb with pain.

"What the hell Selphie! You can't just go around slamming people's heads onto your desk!" I growled.

"Oh, quit complaining you big baby. The important thing is that I got it!" She slammed her fist on her desk for emphasis. "It finally came to me!"

I looked around the classroom and saw people either whispering to each other or snickering. I turned to look at our teacher and almost winced when I saw the man's heavy frown.

"Miss Tilmitt, can your epiphany wait until after class? I would like to get through the Tokugawa period without further outbursts."

Well that seemed to cool things down. The entire class went militant as they sat up straight and paid attention under our History teacher's glare. Selphie was the only one unfazed by him as she plopped herself down and leaned forward into my ear.

"Meet me on the school roof today at four."

And that brings my story up to now. It didn't help that I took another step back to get closer to the door as everyone glared.

"You know, in my defense," I started, raising my hands in surrender. "I want to say that I was on medication on that day, so my words may have been slurred and taken out of context."

Tidus rolled his eyes and turned to look at Selphie.

"So you dragged us up here to say that you're the center of the universe?"

"Not quite," Selphie began and walked over to the edge of the building. "I've always known that I was the center of the universe, I was just too modest to say anything about it." She shrugged.

"But lately, I've been feeling kind of down. So over the past month in a half I've been trying out for the clubs and teams to remedy my unhappiness. But none of them seemed right enough for me."

She turned around to look at us.

"The other day, when I was finally going to give up after being rejected from yet another team, Riku gave me my answer. And so I've decided to start my own club."

"So you dragged us up here for that!?"

Selphie smiled.

"Wow Tidus, you're pretty sharp today."

Tidus let out an exasperated sigh.

"I can't believe this," he said, shaking his head and walking up to Wakka. The redhead was transferred from Kairi's embrace to lean on his blonde friend for support.

"I'm out of here. I'm not wasting my time."

It would have been a dramatic exit, only Wakka chose to dramatically puke all over Tidus.

Ew.

"Damn it Wakka!"

"So, what's your club going to be about?" Kairi asked, trying not to pay attention at the spectacle going on behind me. If she really wanted to help she could have just gone after Tidus and Wakka. What's stopping her?

"The club is about me."

"A Selphie club?" Sora finally asked. Good, for a second I thought he was just blending into the background.

"Yup. We need to spread Selphie awareness and this club will do the trick."

How can she think that is the solution to her problem? I know I told her to make up her own club, but I didn't imply that it had to be all about her.

"So, do you guys want to help me?"

"Well you can count me out," I said out right. She was ridiculous to think I would want to participate in her egotistical shenanigans. But she didn't seem hurt by my quick answer; instead she turned to Kairi and smiled.

"Kairi?"

Kairi looked from Selphie to the exit and then back to Selphie.

"If this is what you truly want," she chewed on her bottom lip. "Then I guess I don't mind."

Of course she doesn't mind. She's Selphie's default best friend.

Selphie turned her gaze to Sora now and I felt my lips curve in a smirk. Sora would never fall for it. Only Sora nodded rigorously and smiled.

I frowned. Et tu Sora? Talk about being stabbed in the back.

"Yay! The only one being a prude here is Riku!"

I couldn't believe Sora was cheering along with her. I grabbed my best friend by the arm and pulled him aside while Selphie began to talk Kairi's ears to death.

"You're actually going on with this?" I tried to sound serious, but I couldn't hide my disappointed tone.

Sora pulled himself free from my grasp.

"Why not?"

"Because it's stupid and her claim at being connected to the universe is humanly impossible."

"Riku, we've traveled through worlds, fought millions of heartless and, managed to take down an organization bent on destroying everything in sight. I don't know if Selphie's claim is true or not, but it doesn't surprise me compared to all the weird things I've seen."

I rubbed my temples, trying to sooth the monster headache that was forming within the walls of my skull.

"So you're going on board with this, no matter how stupid it sounds?"

Sora crossed his arms and nodded with determination.

"Compared to Xemnas, Selphie should be a walk in the park."

And since I'm his default best friend I'm inclined to join. I sighed again for the second time today.

"Fine, if you're doing it, I might as well." I reluctantly said. But if things get too weird, Sora or not, I'm out of there.

Sora shrugged and watched as Selphie elaborately illustrated to Kairi her club's dance routine that members were required to learn.

"You never know, it might be fun." Sora chuckled and went to the perky brunette who quickly began to show him the steps.

If you equate being covered in honey and rolling around on a bed of red fire ants, then sure, this was going to be a riot.

"Come on Riku, you try!"

Selphie pulled me forward and soon afterwards, I was made into her dancing puppet. Sora seemed very amused as he clapped and cheered, while Kairi shyly smiled at my misery.

I could only hang my head in shame.

Why me?

note: so...um...yeah, total rip off of The Melancholy of Haruhi...but it was fun to write. There's more of this monstrosity to come.