Regrets and Letters

Its had been just over a month since Jac had pushed the detonate button on hers and Jonnys relationship. Ever since she had arrived back from Sweden after coaxing back Mr Hanssen they had been inspearble they hadnt spent a night apart. Right up until the night she slept with Sean.

Jonny had promised Mo he would go to her brothers party after he had blown her off a few weeks back to spend the night with Jac. Jac didnt mind this as it was only 1 night and it gave her chance to catch up with her research. The day had been pretty tough after finding out about Joesph's wedding Jac was sent into a sprial not being able to concentrate on anything, consiquentaly resulting in nearly killing a patient.

While Jac was sat in a lecture about new heart transplant trials all she could think about was Jonny and what she had done. She never intended on cheating. She was an emotional wreck, she had no idea what she was doing. Craving emotional support. 'I have to put things right' Jac thought to herself. 'Starting with Jonny.'

That night Jac sat in her Hotel room at the small wooden desk in the corner. She took out her pen and paper and began writing.

Dear Jonny,

I know that as soon as you see how this is from you will want to chuck it away but please don't.

I'm going to start off with saying i'm sorry... I know you probably wont believe it, but i truely am sorry. I was so shook up by the news of Joesphs wedding. You have no idea how much he meant to me. He is the only person how knows everything about me. The only person who i can completly trust... No scratch that one of the only people i can completly trust. The other is you.

Im going to tell you some things about me things that i have only ever told Joesph about. I know you won't want to hear it but im going to tell you anyway...

When i was 12 my mother abandoned me. Left me in care she sodded off to India. I thought it was my fault, I mean there must have been something so fundementally wrong with me for her to just leave without a word. I started to self harm. Didnt eat, shut my self off from everyone around me. Then one day i went to far, cut right through a major vessel in my leg, nearly bled to death. That when i never i had to change. I sorted my life out and trained to be a doctor. It took a while but i did it. I forgot about my mother. I didnt need her i had done alright for my self.

I never saw of though about her again up until 3 years ago. She arrived on Keller where i was working at the time i need of a Kidney transplant. No one knew she was my mother. When Micheal found out who she was he presuaded me to get tested to see if i was a match. I did, i turned out i was. I thought if i did this for her then maybe we could begin to rebuild our relationship. I went ahead with the transplant on my 35th birthday. I took her in after the Op giving up my room for her we began to rebuild our relationship. It was going well or so i thought.

She was pretending to be sick. Saying her body was rejecting the kidney. I went back to the hospital to change her onto some different anti-rejection drugs. While i was gone she disappered. She went to my dead Grandfathers house, who was very much alive. I followed her, even with my scar beginning infected i still carried on. Micheal came after me, he helped he find her. It turned out she knew all along about needing the transplant and had come back to use me as share parts. While i was at my so called dead grandfathers house i found out i had a Half sister, she wanted to know me came to the hospital to see me. I rejected her i didnt need family.

Joesph left a few months later after the birth of his and Faye's son. I will tell you more about that at another time there is too much to say. He offered for me to go with him. But i declined i wasnt going to give up my life, career, my whole identify for a man who would also put me second , Harry always had to come first.

3 months after Joesphs departure i meet you the lying people skills course. Do you remember? I do. I remember you walking towards me. All cocky and full of yourself. I knew from the moment i saw you. That you where someone special Jonny.

When you started work at Holby yes i admit i was a little shocked to find out you where a NURSE but that didnt change my opinion of you. You where still the fine scottish young man you was great in bed. Im only joking well im not really but you get what i mean.

Jonny basically what i am trying to tell you is that you make me feel safe something i have never felt before not even with Joesph. I feel like i can trust you with anything. You are my life Jonny and i dont think i would know what to do with myself if i lost you over this. I know that this is all 100% my fault and i have brought all this apon myself but Jonny i truey mean it when i say that I love you will all my heart. I have never stopped loving you . I shouldnt have done what i did but i was craving emotional support and stupidly i turned to Sean instead of you. I dont know why i turned to Sean maybe it was because of what happened with Freya last christmas. But what i do know is that i could have turned to you.

Just one last thing before i go as it its now 1.55am and i have to be up in the morning

Idont remember much from that night. The night i told you about Sean but i do remember one thing you said to me before you walked away. It was when we where up on the ward. You said you where proud of me. I just want to know did you mean it? No one has ever said that to me before, well not truthfully away.

So Jonny i know that you probably hate me right now and this letter will probably make you even more angry at me but i just want you to know that im think about you and that i love you. Please write back to me.

All my Love forever and always

Jac x x

Jac put down her pen, buried her head into her hands and sobbed. Why had she done this to herself. Why did she have to go a wreck it all just as she was getting some stability in her life ?

The next morning Jac awoke alone in her hotel room. She had been dreaming of what could have been. She had drempt that she and Sean had never happened. That her and Jonny where still together. Jac had everything she had ever wanted. Love, Happiness and Stability.

40 minutes later Jac exited her room clutching a white envolope adressed to Jonny she headed down to the hotel reception and placed it into the large post box on the desk. There she had done it there was no going back now.