Hello, people! Nightlingbolt here! Welcome to yet another new story. So that makes Natsu's Diary, Figuring It Out, The L-Bomb, My Idol's Partner, and now this! Anyway, this is Death the Kid T-shirt.

I normally try to stay away from AU plots in my writing, but I've been inspired to write this for quite a while. There's a really good Bleach fanfic called "Allergic to Soy," and this draws heavily on that. Skyskater, if you're reading this, thank you for a fun read, two years after the fact.

Actually, on the subject of Natsu's Diary... no, I'll just post an AN later when I get home, since I'm uploading this at the library right now. For now, enjoy this.

I do not own Fairy Tail or its characters, Hiro Mashima does.

"The more a thing is perfect, the more it feels pleasure and pain."

"O human race, born to fly upward, wherefore at a little wind dost thou so fall?"

"Into the eternal darkness, into fire and into ice."

Yup. Dante wrote the Divine Comedy, all right. The comedy is how anyone could be expected to understand a goddamn word he was saying.

I never really got what went through the minds of the classical authors when they wrote half this stuff. You know, that fanciful way in which they wrote? I've always believed that if you have something to say to someone, then you should say it in a manner they would understand.

"Consider your origin. You were not formed to live like brutes but to follow virtue and knowledge."

Yeah, tell that to the numbskulls who thought Jersey Shore was a good idea in the first place. I'm glad that show's been cancelled. Now we just need to figure out what to do about Honey Boo Boo.

I mean, at least I can somewhat comprehend "Away, slight man!" (Different author, but you get my point) Oh, you want me to go away? That I can deal with. And you're calling me tiny? The hell with you, then. I'm tall. I have big breasts. (breast size isn't everything. Remember that, ladies.) In fact the only thing tiny about me is the size of my patience with you. And by the way, I know I'm nitpicking here, but I'm not a man.

God, I fucking hate being an English major.

This is me.

Name: Erza Scarlet.

Occupation: English major.

Location: See, that's a problem. I never tell people where I am. It only invites rapists and pedophiles. Well, hopefully I'm old enough that pedophiles wouldn't want anything to do with me, but the rapist point still stands. I dunno, that's just my mother talking. Once my doctor wanted me to have a mammogram, but she (my mother) said he was just looking for an excuse to rape me. Mammograms save lives, woman! I could've been living with breast cancer for three years! Thankfully, I wasn't. I should hope so, I check myself every day.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes. My life sucks. Or better yet, college life sucks. It's not all party rockin' in the house tonight, or however that song goes. I dunno, literally all I know is "Every day I'm shuffling."

There aren't any cute guys (or girls. I had a lesbian fling once. Long story.) in my building, my high school boyfriend and I are broken up (we decided long-distance wouldn't work for us.) and my RA is borderline insane. She has really odd speech patterns, like... I dunno... Once I asked her if she got a haircut, and she said "No, I got my hair chopped." She's also a sadist, if my roommate's frequent visits to her room are any indication. Shudder.

Roommate? Equally as crazy. I swear she's some kind of masochist. She was literally named after the constellation Virgo, which in and of itself isn't bad. But she is definitely a masochist. You know Dobby the house elf from Harry Potter? She's like that, except instead of punishing herself, whenever she makes a mistake, she asks whoever points it out to her (me, the professor, or even my friend Gray!) to punish her. And she usually blushes like she hopes to get some sexual thrill out of it! That's what a masochist is, for the record. Someone who gets a sexual thrill out of pain and/or punishment. If you're under 18, congratulations, I just corrupted a small part of you. You're welcome.

Food? Nothing refrigerated, that's for sure. See, Virgo hopes to be a geologist in the future, so she takes up most of our fridge space with various dirt samples at best, and moss at worst. My typical diet consists of a powdered doughnut for breakfast with some juice from the vending machine, a peanut butter and banana sandwich with apple slices and water for lunch, and whatever takeout I'm in the mood for for dinner. Not super healthy, but I could definitely eat better if Virgo would just let me use the freakin' FRIDGE!

She is very neat, though. Cleans up both halves of the dorm without complaint. I've told her to let me handle my own mess, but that usually just leads to her begging me to punish her. What the hell does Laki do to her?

Classes? They're...bearable, I guess. However, I don't really know what kind of career an English degree would do me. I only picked it to help me polish my novel, but let's be real, if it never takes off, I need a backup.

I dunno. Teacher?

No. Just no.

I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life teaching impressionable young minds to find hidden subtleties in "his eyes were green." Green with envy? Green as in he's sick?

Or hey! Here's a novel idea! Maybe that's just his natural eye color?

There! I cracked the code! Moving on!

My days are spent in one of several ways: going to class, writing a paper, reading a book or newspaper, or playing the occasional video game. I'm especially big on Zelda, particularly three-heart runs. Trying that with Link's Awakening. Fun times ahead, bro.

I like to wear glasses sometimes. I heard guys love the intellectual look, but apparently, it only seems to work when you don't have D-Cup breasts.

Sometimes I like being a woman. Sometimes I hate it.

Meh. It's all relative.

The best part of my day is coming.

Coffee at Fairy Tail.

It's this coffee shop, primarily for students, but sometimes, teachers stop by as well. It's run by the Dean's grandson. The good news: he's gorgeous. The bad news? He's gay. Well, possibly bisexual, but all I know is he's dating Fried, who always manages to work his way into one of my classes each semester. It's kind of justified since he's an English major too, but it's still kind of creepy, in a cosmic sort of way.

Best part about Fairy Tail? They don't judge you for not finishing a coffee. Every Starbucks I've ever been to has had at least one employee who has an absolute nutty if you don't finish your coffee. I don't care if it's fair trade. I don't care if Colombian farmers worked their asses off to harvest the beans. Once I taste the grinds, the coffee's done, and apparently, Starbucks doesn't see it that way.

Ooh la la, new barista. And he's a cutie, too.

Pink hair, black eyes. Is that his natural color?

White scarf. It fits him somehow.

Lean build, tan skin. He obviously works out, but at the same time, he's no musclebound jock either.

I can make out Death the Kid from Soul Eater on his t-shirt just behind his apron, and... is that a Volcano Badge stud in his left ear?! Wild barista used Attract! It's super-effective!

Crap, it's my turn to order! I'm standing here like a dummy! Great first impression to give the new guy, Scarlet!

Hello, Mr. Name Tag. What have ya got for me? Natsu D.? Holy Tumblr, Batman, I have a chance to get the D!

Operation Flirt is a go.

Will Operation Flirt be successful? Maybe, maybe not.

Also, I'm not an English major by any stretch of the imagination, so feel free to PM me references to classical authors, and I may work 'em into Erza's dialogue. Oh, and if Erza's Grimmjow, then Natsu's Ulquiorra (Jerza shippers, don't you even start with the "Jellal is Ulquiorra, make this a Jerza!" crap!), which means he's a science major, so I'm also accepting science references.

Other than that, that's pretty much it. Until next time, peace and love from Nightlingbolt.