A lil oneshot to the song Secret Lovers by Starr Alantic. For the purpose of fitting the song Olivia is in a relationship with someone.
Disclaimer: Unfortunately I own nobody, I only wish I did....
Song lyrics are in bold and italics. The fic is sectioned into both Elliot's and Olivia's point of views.
Here we are, just the two of us together
Takin' this crazy chance to be all alone
Sitting in the squad car I look to my left and watch my partner of ten years. He's looking straight ahead pretending to be focussing on the apartment but I know from the stolen glances that his mind is elsewhere. That elsewhere is most likely the world of our crazy affair. I only know this because that's where my head really is too.
It was 3am when my cell rang, I saw Elliot's name flash on the screen and hurried to answer it. It seems stupid now, how we both rushed to do this, I jumped from bed at lightening speed before pulling on the first clothes I could find. I left Michael sleeping alone without a second thought, what kind of a woman does that make me?! The worst thing is I didn't rush because I love my job, I rushed to get the chance to be alone with my partner...my married partner.
I always said I would not be the other woman. Even though my heart aches for him I didn't want to mess up his life. He has a wife and children that need their father, how can I take that all away from him?! I fought it for almost nine years, nine whole years and then a particularly hard case lead to a particularly amazing night between my sheets. I should regret that night but it seems I'm incapable.
"Penny for your thoughts?" He asks me.
"I was just thinking....thinking how crazy this all is."
"Why do I get the feeling you don't mean the job?"
I laugh and he gives me a cheeky smile, a smile he knows I can't resist. He places his hand on my thigh and gently traces his fingers up and down, not breaking eye contact with me for a single second.
"I love you Elliot Stabler, I just wish things were different."
"Me too Liv but we have to make the most of what we have, you know it won't be this way forever."
His lips meet mine in a fiery kiss and I thank God for late night phone calls, surveillance jobs and his loving arms and right now I don't care how wrong it is.
We both know that we should not be together
'Cause if we're found out, it could mess up
Both our happy homes
Anyone looking in at my life from the outside would say I have the best of both worlds and I wouldn't blame them for that. To many it will seem like I'm an arrogant, heartless man but that couldn't be further from the truth. I did the right thing all those years ago when I married Kathy, she was having our first child and I knew what I had to do. It may have been the right thing then but it isn't the right thing now. I love her but I'm no longer in love with her.
I spent nine years fighting this, nine whole years. My mind raced constantly, flittering between the two women in my life, my wife and my partner. The reason I held back for so long was never for me, it was for them. How could I hurt my wife and children like that?! The worst thing is they weren't the first reason why I stopped myself for so long, the reason was Olivia. I never wanted her to be the other woman, I never wanted her to hurt this way.
I held onto the thought that maybe someday we would truly find each other and make something of the chemistry we so obviously possess. Three years ago I gave up on there ever being an 'us'. She met Michael and she fell in love and I accepted the fact that I had made my bed so I should lie in it. I got on with my life but my heart broke whenever she mentioned his name. It was in those moments that I finally realised what I'd been doing to her every time I mentioned Kathy and the shear thought of it left me nothing but broken.
Sitting in the car with the love of my life in the middle of the night shouldn't feel this wrong. My lips attached to her neck shouldn't feel like betrayal, my hand slipping below the waistband of her trousers shouldn't feel so dirty and the moan escaping her lips shouldn't sound so unwanted. I'm sure it wouldn't feel so wrong if only the love of my life was the woman I married.
I hate to think about us all meetin' up together
'Cause as soon as I look at you it will show on my face, yeah
Then they'll know that we've been loving each other
A romantic dinner for two, a posh restaurant in town and a clear blue sky were supposed to remind me why I'm with Michael, why I love him and why this crazy life I'm living has to stop. Unfortunately walking into the restaurant the other man in my life catches my eye, he looks away quickly to save us the torment of having to play happy families.
"Isn't that Elliot and Kathy over there?" Michael asks me and I curse under my breath.
"Where? I don't see them." I lie hoping he will drop it.
He laughs and takes my hand.
"Come on, let's go and say hi. Maybe we could join them."
As we approach their table I see Kathy's welcoming smile and Elliot's worried gaze which I'm sure mirrors mine. Kathy and I had never seen eye to eye, she constantly accused Elliot of having an affair with me, accusations which at the time were totally unfounded. Since getting with Michael she's warmed to me, I guess she figures now that I'm with someone I'd be sensible enough to stay away from her husband, oh how wrong she is.
"Olivia, Michael please join us."
"I wouldn't want to intrude." I tell her while praying she understands and lets us leave.
"Oh don't be silly, we would love you to join us wouldn't we El?"
El? She calls him El too? Wait why am I so pissed off? She's his wife she can call him all she wants. I really need to stop this, I'm turning into the green eyed monster when I have no right to feel anything.
I watch Elliot flinch as she strokes his arm and I pray he'll object. I know he won't, objecting would be even more suspicious than accepting.
"Sure, it would be a pleasure."
Michael pulls out a chair for me and I sit opposite Elliot. I try to avoid eye contact with him, trying to make it easier for both of us. I don't know who I'm trying to fool, nothing in the world would make this easier.
After almost two hours of meaningless talk and some less than satisfying food I find his leg making contact with mine. I'm sure at first it was an accident, he wouldn't risk this in front of Kathy and Michael but accidents happen and accidents open opportunities. Once his leg meets mine he's unable to control himself any longer, his foot strokes up and down my leg and I have to stifle a moan. I look up and capture his eyes with mine, suddenly we're the only two people in the world and all my senses have disappeared.
We can't let 'em know, no, no, no
We can't leave a trace
As much as it kills me to do so, I have to break her gaze. We can't be caught not now, we need to be prepared for the fall out and I know in my heart that now is not the time. I disconnect both my eyes and my foot from my lover and can't help but feel a little relieved when I realise that Kathy and Michael are too busy chatting to have noticed. I quickly join in the conversation and pray that it'll soon be time to leave.
I find myself bored by my wife's words and I hate myself for it. Is it wrong to feel this way? Maybe after all these years of marriage maybe we've just run out of things to say. I hear Olivia's voice and unwillingly I'm hanging on every word she says. Suddenly it hits me, it's not the words but the voice that I'm bored of.
"Kathy it's getting late, we should be heading home to the kids."
"Oh wow its that time already?! Time sure does fly when you are having fun! It was nice to see you two again."
I watch my wife saying her goodbyes and cringe slightly as she gives Olivia a hug. My wife and my lover hugging in front of my very eyes. I feel the bile rising in my throat and turn away hoping to suppress the sickened feeling in the pit of my stomach. A hand on my arm is almost shrugged off until I hear her voice.
"El? Are you okay?"
I lift my head and smile, taking in her beauty for the first time this evening.
"Wow Liv, you look amazing. I.."
"You just wish you could get me out of this dress?" She raises her eyebrow at me and I smile at the fact that we know each other completely because there is nothing I would like more than getting her out of that dress and taking her right here and now on this very table.
"You don't know how bad I want you right now."
"Oh I think I do." She smirks and runs her fingers down my arm.
"I'll see you at work?"
"If you're lucky." She winks and I wrap my arms around her. Luckily for me I have my back to my wife so she can't see my hands caressing Olivia's backside.
Secret lovers, yeah, that's what we are
We shouldn't be together
But we can't let go, no, no
'Cause we love each other so
Ooh…ooh…
The day we became secret lovers was both the worst and best day of my life. It started with me falling apart because I thought I'd lost my best friend. Well I wish that was all I felt, I felt like I was throwing my life away, that I had wasted the last nine years of my life. I knew in that moment that if he made it through then I would stop fighting, I would let our destiny take over.
I insisted that he should come home with me, I needed to know he was okay. I had no intentions of anything happening, I just wanted him to hold me. He held me for hours, rubbing my back and whispering words of comfort into my ear until I fell asleep. When I woke up it was still dark and the alarm clock only read 3am, I felt his chin resting on my forehead and I was sure that I'd died and gone to heaven.
He pressed his lips against my forehead and within a second I was pulling his lips down to meet mine. It was a spare of the moment thing I didn't even realise what I had done until I saw the look in his eyes. The rain pounded against the window and my heart beat along in rhythm, I could feel his heart beating underneath my hand, its pace was rapid and I knew that there was no way back now. It didn't matter if every part of him wanted to get out of my bed and walk from my life, it didn't matter that part of me wanted the same thing. There was nothing we could do, our years of fighting our feelings were over.
I'm not really sure who kissed who the second time but it's pretty irrelevant, we both wanted it to happen. Our lips pressed together much more firmly than I ever imagined possible and my tongue ran the length of his lip begging for entrance. His hands were roaming my body, taking in everything he'd denied himself for so long.
I don't really remember how I lost my shirt but I remember laughing at him as he struggled to unlatch my bra with his shaking hands. I moved his hands back round to my sides and stopped for a second to look into his eyes. I saw years worth of love spilling out along with desire and arousal. I undid the clasp of my bra and allowed him to pull the straps from my shoulders and cast it aside. As I straddled him I saw that look in his eyes, the look of fear and I leant down to claim his lips one more time. I wanted him to know that I wanted to do this, I wanted to make love to him.
As I lowered myself down his body I could feel his hardened form pressing against me. I lost all control in that second and our slow pace was cast aside as both our underwear found the floor and our kisses intensified. It was all so quick, within seconds he flipped our positions so that I was beneath him and I felt him slip inside of me. I'd dreamt of this moment for so long but I never imagined it to be this good. As he thrust into me I felt him getting harder inside of me, my legs were wrapped around his waist to encourage him to go deeper. I screamed for him to go harder and faster, to not hold back, after all we had a lot of lost time to make up for. I could feel myself tightening around him all too quickly and as his thrusts came harder and faster we both reached our climax together. It was the first time in a long while that I hadn't had to fake it and the feeling was amazing.
He collapsed on top of me as he released himself into me. I moaned and kissed his neck in appreciation. Neither of us could breathe, our love making had become almost suffocating and as my breathing began to return to normal I couldn't stop the tears from falling. As I looked up at him I saw the tears in his eyes too and I couldn't help but smile as he tenderly wiped my tears away.
Sittin' at home, I do nothin' all day
But I think about you and hope that you're okay
Hopin' you'll call before anyone gets home
I wait anxiously alone by the phone
I pace the room, my mind racing with explanations as to why she hasn't called me. It's Saturday and Kathy's taken the kids out to a friends like she does every Saturday. Olivia always rings me, normally about ten as soon as she knows they will be gone but its gone 12 now and I'm still waiting. Damn I hope she is okay.
Things haven't been the same between us since the night at the restaurant. I don't know if Michael suspected something or if Olivia is mad at me for putting us in that situation but she hasn't said two words to me since then. Well she has spoken to me but only for work purposes, apart from that talk and stolen glances have been few and far between.
I hate the way she makes me feel, I wish I didn't have to pace like this. I wish I didn't sit here helplessly waiting for that damn phone to ring but most of all I wish I'd never started this. I should have just walked away when I still had a chance. We were naive to think we could walk away from this, that we could stop this when it all got too much.
How could something so wrong be so right
I wish we didn't have to keep our love out of sight, yeah
Livin' two lives just ain't easy at all
But we gotta hang on in there or fall
We came so close to getting caught that night. Kathy might not have had a view of Elliot groping my ass but Michael sure did. I knew something was wrong as soon as we got in the car, he didn't say a word. The whole journey home we sat in silence after my failed attempts at conversation, the silence however was broken as soon as we stepped through the front door.
"Why did you let him do that?" His voice was raised and his tone scared me a little.
"I don't know what you are talking about. Let who do what?" I questioned him because truly in that moment I had no idea what he was talking about, I had no idea that he had seen.
"Elliot grabbing your ass is what I'm talking about!"
"Michael, please just calm down. He was just messing about, you know how we are together."
"That doesn't mean I have to like it Olivia! It doesn't mean you have to rub it in my face."
"Michael...."
"No Olivia, let me finish. I don't need to know about those little touches that you never give me. I have to virtually beg to get you to touch me these days. What do you think seeing that does to me?"
"It's not like that. Its just friendly touches, there's nothing between us."
"Do you love me Olivia?" He sighed and I felt a breathe catch in my throat.
In that moment I made a decision. I didn't love him then and I sure as hell don't love him now but what was the point of loving someone I could never really have?! Here was this man willing to lay down his life for me and he made me happy, not as happy as Elliot but happy all the same.
"Yes Michael, I love you."
It was at that moment that I made a promise to myself to never again let myself succumb to the advances of Elliot Stabler. A stupid promise that was, a stupid promise that I knew I could never keep.
Secret lovers, yeah, that's what we are
Tryin' so hard to hide the way we feel
'Cause we both belong to someone else
But we can't let go
'Cause what we feel is, oh, so real
So real, so real
"Olivia please don't do this."
"Elliot we knew this would happen one day. We knew it would have to end."
"But I don't want this to end. I know you don't either."
"Of course I don't want this to end but you can't give me what I need."
The second half of her sentence was almost shouted at me and my heart shattered into a million pieces. I knew I'd never give her what she needed because I'm too much of an idiot to walk away from the life I hate. I wish I could understand my emotions, I wish I could make the right decision.
"Liv, I love you. Please tell me you know that. I'd die for you."
She looks at me with tears in her eyes and shakes her head.
"You may die for me but you won't leave your wife for me. I've never asked and I never will. I just can't play this game any more Elliot. I'm sorry, I just can't."
I reach for her and expect her to move away but she doesn't, she allows me to pull her into my chest. She also allows me to claim her lips with mine, our tongues dart together and I feel her hands racing up and down my back. I feel relieved that this isn't over but at the same time I'm falling apart knowing what I'm doing to her.
You and me, are we fair
Is this cruel or do we care
Can they tell what's in our minds
Maybe they've had secret loves all of the time
As our kissing intensifies I wonder if what we are doing is fair. Of course it is a stupid question, I know this isn't fair, it isn't fair on Michael, it isn't fair on Kathy and it isn't fair on us. We both stay with people we don't even love to avoid the real love that we have for each other, maybe we are scared that without the danger we won't work. I wish I could understand.
I change my mind a hundred times a day, I blow him off just to pull him straight back again. I cry over the pain I'm causing Michael and in the next second I'm riding Elliot and not giving a damn about the man I made a home with.
Sometimes I wish they would catch us, that they would leave. Leave us alone to live our life because for reasons unknown to both of us we just can't let go. If we can't let go of someone we don't love then how are we ever going to let go of the one we love with everything we have?!
I Olivia Benson would give my life for Elliot Stabler and suddenly I no longer care about the consequences.
In the middle of makin' love we notice the time
We both get nervous 'cause it's way after nine
I'm sliding into her like an animal, having no regard for anyone or anything. It's not always like this, sometimes we take it slow, sometimes we take it fast and sometimes we are just plain rough. As we make love I can't count all the colours I see in her eyes, I can't even count all the emotions I see but when we're going at it like we are now, all I see is pure fire.
Her nails are clawing at my back as I thrust harder and harder into her. Her legs are wrapped round my waist and I'm so close, so so close when I notice the clock on the bedside cabinet and curse under my breath.
"Liv Baby, I gotta go."
"No." She moans as she pushes herself further onto me, causing me to enter her much deeper than I was before.
"Babe its way after nine..."
"Oh shit. Michael will be back any minute."
I expect her to detach herself from my body but she doesn't, our desire is too strong and we carry on as if we haven't noticed the time or registered the trouble we'll be in if he catches us.
Even though we hate it, we know it's time that we go
We gotta be careful so that no one will know
Eventually we find the control to end and put out the fire between our two bodies.
"Damn I hate this." I state as she jumps up from me and frantically grabs her clothes from the floor. She picks up my shirt and throws it to me. I slip it over my shoulders and stand up making my way towards her.
"Me too El." She answers as her hands find their way to the buttons of my shirt and starts to slowly fasten them. She looks up and claims my lips once more, sucking on my lower lip momentarily before pulling away again.
"As much as I'm dying for you to stay, you really have to leave."
"I know." I mutter as I pull on my boxer shorts and pants.
"Elliot. One day we're not going to be able to stop." She tells me quietly.
"I don't care how wrong this sounds but part of me can't wait for that day." I smile slightly and see the emotion in her eyes, knowing that she feels exactly the same.
It doesn't matter how hard either of us fight this, we're always going to be secret lovers.
I quickly leave her apartment, ducking behind a trash can as I see Michael approaching from the other direction. As I walk down the street I leave both my heart and soul behind.
Secret lovers, yeah, that's what we are
Tryin' so hard to hide the way we feel
'Cause we both belong to someone else
But we can't let go
'Cause what we feel is, oh, so real
So real, so real
So real, so real