You're standing there, looking over the edge into a brilliant white light, and you close your eyes. Inhaling deeply, your mind swims. You know this is the end, and part of you is ready, it's been a long time coming, but you desperately wish you'd had more time. They say your life flashes before your eyes before you die, but the first thing you see is a pair of brilliant blue eyes.
You see the first time you met, her suspended in a glowing blue orb, eyes wide. You almost laugh when she tells you she's trapped herself in there. You feel your lips twitch as Garrus chuckles openly behind you. When you finally get back to the Normandy, you seek her out, hiding in the med bay, and you talk. And she's the most brilliant creature you've ever encountered.
You remember the first time you almost kiss. You're angry, you're so angry, you've been grounded by the Alliance, and every time you close your eyes, Kaidan's face swims into view. But then she's there, and she makes you feel better, and when she pulls you to your feet, you take a minute to steady yourself and you're so close you can feel her breath against your cheek. You lean in, heart jumping up into your throat, but then Joker ruins everything, voice calling out from a nearby speaker, breaking the mood.
The first time you actually kiss, she comes to you. It's when you're headed to Ilos, and you're scared, not that you'd ever admit it, but she comes. She tells you she's ready, and your heart almost stops. When she touches you, your skin blazes, and when your lips finally meet, she tastes so sweet, and her lips are so soft, it's more than worth the wait. The meld is perfect, better than you could've ever imagined, and you know in your head, you'll never want another being with you the way she is, right now.
When you died, the first time, she was the last thing you saw, but it wasn't serene, not like it is now. You see her panicked face as you tell her to get into an escape pod and go. You're scared, the Normandy was your safe place, and now it's in ruins. But you can't bear the thought of her ever being hurt, so you send her away. When you're drifting through space, your oxygen supply gone and your last, gasping, breaths coming closer together, you try and picture her in any other way than staring back at you from the escape shuttle, eyes wide, but you can't.
Then it's after you've been brought back, and you're standing on Illium, in front of her office. Garrus is with you, his new scars still shining in the light, and Miranda, perfect as ever, skin tight suit clinging in all the right places. You're nervous, you can feel your palms grow damn as you take the first step. It's been two years, and by all accounts, she's not the person you left behind, but you force yourself up the stairs, to her.
When you first enter her office, she beams, and takes you in her arms, kissing you softly, just like before. But it's short. The moment has passed before you have a chance to blink and she's not the sweet young asari she was when you first met. There's a coldness in her eyes, in her personality. You can feel hot tears rising behind your eyes, but you push them down. You'd never cry in front of her. Not now. Later, when you're alone in your cabin, and a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy is lying empty on the floor, you do cry, you sob loud enough for Miranda to take notice. She asks no questions, holding you until you finish crying and drop to sleep, and she puts you in bed. You never discuss it, but you think that she understands, and when she comes to you later, asking for help, you say yes without question.
The next time you see her, the being to whom your heart belongs, she's asking for your help. Her ally, her agent, has been taken, and she needs to get him back. You swallow down jealousy, say you'll help anyway, and take off half way across the galaxy, just because she asks.
Here, you see glimpses of the old her, glances thrown during battles, the way her cheeks darken when you compliment her. It's almost like she's yours again, but you see how ruthless she's become, how much of her innocence she's lost, and it hurts you. It hurts that you weren't there to protect her.
When the battles won, you finally talk. She asks about Miranda, implying some sort of relationship and you actually scoff. Miranda's beautiful, obviously, but she's not you, you tell her. When she lets on about knowing Miranda was in your room, you almost lose your cool. Your voice is verging on a scream as you tell her how upset you were after Illium, when you thought she didn't want you. You tell her that Miranda was there when no one else was, and that she's been more of a friend than half of the Normandy's old crew. You tell her that you needed her, and she wasn't there, and you were left flailing, desperately trying to hold on to something you recognised. You tell her that you needed her, and she kisses you. It's not like the other kisses, it's intense, and it's rushed, and you're both trying to put so much into it that you just can't say.
Later, when you're tangled in the sheets of the Normandy, you talk about a marriage, and little blue children. You smile, pulling her close, savouring the feeling.
After the Alliance ground you, it's harder to get time with her. She's the Shadow Broker, she doesn't have time to sit around and wait for you. You talk through holos and chatspeak, but it's not the same. You miss her touch.
When you find her again on Mars, you feel your heart swell, she kisses you, and follows you unquestioningly and you feel alive. But then that godforsaken AI almost kills Ashley, and you're reminded that you're at war, and that this might be the end.
She comes back to the Normandy, but it's not like it was, and you feel like a fool for ever thinking it would be. She's so busy, the only time you see her is perched at a bar on the Citadel, watching her father watch her. You weren't surprised when you told her that little bit of information and she already knew, she already knows everything.
The second to last thing you remember is the first time she told you she loves you. You were heading toward the Cronos Station, ready to finally take down Cerberus, and she comes into your room. You gaze up at the stars for a while before she kisses you softly, and you share it. You've never loved before, and you're not really sure when it happened, or why, but you love her. You love her so much that your chest aches when she's not here, and if you survived the war and she didn't, you'd probably put a bullet in your head.
The last thing you remember as you step back, readying yourself to leap into the beam of light, is the meld you shared in that makeshift med bay, back on earth, the last moment of quiet, just the two of you. You feel a tear escape your eye and try and break a path through the dirt on your cheek. You'll never be able to make her happy, which is what kills you most as you shuffle backwards, trying to make enough room.
You take one last deep breath, trying to settle the heart pounded in your chest, when you hear footsteps running toward you. Your eyes snap open, head twisting too fast towards the sound, causing you pain.
You see Anderson running towards you, eyes fixed on the beam. You call after him, trying to get him to stop, to let you take the last jump, to end this. He slows slightly but doesn't turn back, and over his shoulder he calls "This is the right thing to do. I'm dead anyway." And then he leaps, throwing himself into the brilliant beam of light as the Citadel crashes down around you. You fall to the ground, your consciousness slipping away as you hear his words faintly, as though they were spoken years ago. "I'm proud of you."
You don't know how long you've been lay there before they find you. You're too tired and too injured to move, and you know the only thing that's kept you alive for so long are the Cerberus implants. You hear footsteps and familiar voices, before light comes pouring across your face. You squint up, trying to see past the blinding brightness, and a pair of water-y blue eyes swim into focus.
Reviews would be rad, because I'm thinking of making this into a slightly au continuum? Like, how they rebuild after the war and the whole synthetic/organic thing with Shepard alive. (I couldn't bring myself to kill off EDI, ha)
So yes! Reviews please! I will give you chocolate. And if you have any pressing issues, my tumblr is liztits. :)