I propose a challenge for anyone reading this that writes Fanfiction. I challenge you to post one of your older works (the one you consider to be the worst) and one of your most recent stories in the same document to showcase your growth as a writer. The point of this is to remind you of how far you've come, to inspire you, and to give you hope whenever you feel discouraged or stuck. I think its important to be okay with poking fun at ourselves and to also know our own strengths and weaknesses, so that we can improve.
~ You don't have to include more than a chapter; there's no minimum or maximum amount of words; and you don't have to write a new story to showcase the improvement ~
Without further ado...
I hope you all enjoy my submission xD
Life Is But A Mystery (The Original Incognito) - 3 Chapters
Hatsuharu glanced down at his rings as the Moon glinted off them blinding any passerbys. Meanwhile on the inside Haru was struggling trying to keep himself under control. He tried time and time again to win Rins heart back over but she still gave him the same tired answer over and over. "I'm tired of you." He still didn't understand, things were going great until Rin ended up hospitalized. So many questions swarming around in Haru's head. Blood rushing in his ears all he could think about was Rin, Rin, Rin.
Footsteps softly approached him. "Sir are you okay?" Hatsuharu looked up to see a beautiful girl that looked to be about his age. She had intriguing green eyes, auburn hair that was a couple inches past her shoulders falling in ringlets. She appeared sweet and tough as she was covered in lace, chains, and a choker with crescent moon pendant that hung from it.
"..." Haru looked back down at his rings without answering the girl. She sighed wondering why this man appeared so sad. Or is he a man, he could very well be the same age.
"I'm fine." Haru finally muttered a reply and stood up and started to head off into the woods. His sense of direction would be rendered even more useless now than ever. There was no telling where he would find himself since his thoughts were muddled. The girl stood there staring after his retreating form curiously.
Her name? Well her name was Mai Sohma. Who was that boy she wondered with the bicolored hair. He looked like someone out of a rave or something. Mai shrugged and decided to turn on her heels and complete the task she had been given before she had left. The Pharmacy.
Hatsuharu continued his trek through the woods and almost wished he had asked the strange girl for directions before leaving like that. Fortunately for him he managed to find Shigures before it got too late. He saw that the lights were still on so he knocked only to come face to face with Shigure himself.
"Well Hatsuharu, to what do I owe the visit? You're not black or anything are you?" Haru shook his head no and Shigure slapped on his goofy grin once again. Haru walked around Shigure and saw that Yuki and Tohru were on the couch watching Mogi and Kyo was fuming about something in the corner. When the door closed they all looked up just noticing Haru was even there.
"Oh Hatsuharu, this is a suprise! I didn't know you were coming. Do you want something to eat or something to drink or-"
Haru held his hand up to stop her, "Don't worry about it. I just came here because I needed to rest from my wandering in the woods."
"You mean to say ya got lost." Kyo snorted and Hatsuharu glared in his direction. He really hated when people treated him like an idiot. At least he wasn't black, or at least not yet.
"You can stay here for the night Haru. I'll call Hatori and let him know where you are." Shigure began to giggle like a schoolgirl when he mentioned Hatori. He walked off into the hallway his kimono dragging behind him.
Let's just say after you see what Mai is about to do, you'll come to find she's not a role model. The farthest thing from it. She quickened her pace and rushed into the pharmacy that was nearby. She darted behind a magazine rack and took out the camera that had a view of the front desk and the entrance out with a laser pointer.
She ran up to the counter to see a stocky boy in his early 20's with an oily acne covered face.
"Are you here to pick up a prescription?"
"Yeah- put the cough syrup and the sleeping pills in the bag. In fact give me your money too." She motioned for him to hand it over.
"Aww a little girl is trying to rob a store. For what- a lollipop? Very cute." He turned back around to resume shelving the medication when he heard a gun cock behind him.
Slowly turning back around he glanced down at Mai. He backed against the shelf managing to knock over several bottles spilling the contents across the floor.
"Now put it in the bag and be quick about it?" The pharmacist nodded and as he began to get the cash out he hit a red button under the counter.
Mai looked around making sure the coast was clear before snatching the bag from his clutches. She made a run for the door when she saw flashing lights. The cops. She spun around to head out the exit but found it was locked. So she kicked in the glass and ran out into a dark alley slumping against the brick wall. Mai was still trying to catch her breath and she made sure no one was nearby before running home. Her life depended on it.
She climbed in the window of her bedroom seeing how her foster parents hadn't known she had left to begin with. She shoved the bag of drugs and cash into her nightstand drawer and collapsed on her bed. It has been a heck of a night. But she had to do this...For him.
The next morning Mai was still feeling groggy and was recovering from last nights midnight raid. She slowly sat up rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. After about fifteen minutes she finally got out of her warm haven that was her bed and showered, brushed her hair, and changed into her school uniform.
Mai shoved her bag from the pharmacy into her bag and ran downstairs and sat down at the breakfast table. Her foster parents were immensely strict especially when it came to order as they are both military veterans.
Takumoto was shoving food up his nose once again but no one bothered to scold him. In fact everyone else looked downtrodden for some reason.
Mai's 'Mother' reached over and grabbed her 'Fathers' hand as if bracing each other for what Mai's reaction would be.
"Mai...We- You know how you're a Sohma and your parents gave you up because of your Zodiac form. Her Zodiac form was embarrassing to her to be quite honest. I mean sure a fox is supposed to be this great hunter and all, bug it didn't change matters.
Mai nodded wondering where this was going. "Well the head Akito Sohma has made living arrangements for you to live with your cousins Yuki, Kyo, and Shigure Sohma."
"What? The he-"
"Language Mai." Her foster dad berated and Mai just rolled her eyes. Really? That's the least of his worries after what they just told her.
"-See ya." And with that Mai slung her bag over her shoulder and left for school making sure to slam the door on her way out.
When Mai arrived she angrily spun the knob on her locker and missed the second number in her combination. She tried again to no avail. "Ugh!" She yelled punching the locker door managing to leave an imprint from where her fist had been.
"Having trouble?" Haruhi asked shaking her head. She could tell by how she punched her locker that her best friend was in her usual happy mood. Mai sighed and leaned back against her locker, "you have no idea how mad I am right now."
"So just like normal. Are you still helping Ryu? Y'know...Dealing drugs," Haruhi dropped her voice on the last part and Mai nodded. Haruhi frowned, she was worried that one day Mai would get hurt and that it would be all her fault. She wouldn't be able to live with herself it that we're to happen.
To get off the topic Haruhi nudged Mai with her elbow bubbling with excitement, "So you gonna ask the Prince Yuki to the writer formal?"
Mai scoffed, "I'm not about to spend a day dress shopping, getting my hair and nails done and going shoe shopping to break my neck for one night when we're in a hot gym. And you know how packed its gonna be and how bad it would be if I transformed. You're not even supposed to know. You're sworn to secrecy. Plus even if I were to ask someone...Purple head is just not my type, end of story."
Haruhi slowly processed this information before waggling her eyebrows, "Then what exactly is your type?" Before she could answer Ryu sauntered up to Mai and told Haruhi to beat it. Haruhi gave a final glance to Mai before running off.
"You got what I asked?" Ryu looked around making sure no one was watching before they made their little exchange. Drugs for cash. "You are one step closer." And with that Ryu was gone.
Mai finally managed to pry open her locker door and stuff the bag of cash inside and she slammed it shut. Why wouldn't Ryu hold up his end of the deal? She did everything he asked what more could he ask for. Mai had done all this in order for Ryu to not harm her boyfriend Katsumi. She still didn't remember how she ended up working for Ryu in the first place but she hated it. She had been ever since she was a second year in middle school.
Mai picked up her bag and dragged herself off to class not caring if she was late or not. When she was almost at the classroom door she decided to hell with it and went up to the roof instead. It would be a lot better for it would give her time to think. When she opened the heavy metal door she had no idea of what or in this case who was on the other side. It was the same black and white haired boy from the day before. Mai hesitantly walked over and sat down next to him and only then did he look at her.
"...You're the girl from yesterday?" Mai nodded and pulled her legs up to her chest resting her chin on her knees. Haru continued to stare up at the sky and this went on for about ten minutes before Haru spoke again. "I apologize if I came off rude yesterday...I was just in a bad mood." Mai nodded understandingly.
"So, you cut class often?" Mai laughed lightly trying to make conversation and Haru sighed. "Well now more often than before but I've had my share of times. Good place to get away from it all and to clear your head."
"Gosh you sound like my therapist." Mai 's laughter ringing like bells causing Haru to glance at her out of the corner of his eye curiously. "What would you need a therapist for." Hatsuharu asked boredly and Mai rolled her eyes for what seemed like the billionth time. "My parents- pardon. My foster parents assume that I'm broken and need fixing since I never really talk back home. And when I do that I'm saying 'un-ladylike things'"
"Well so far from what I've seen you are complex." Mai grinned at that. They hardly knew eachother and yet he already had her personality down. "I don't think I quite caught your name cow boy." Haru sweatdropped. "Why do you say cow boy?" Mai shrugged and leaned back against the wall behind them. "First thing that popped into my head. Cause' of your hair I guess."
"Oh. I'm Hatsuharu Sohma." Now it was Mai's turn to be suprised. "Sohma? I'm Mai Sohma."
Hatsuharu and Mai both stared at each other in amazement. How often do you meet another family member that you e never heard of until now that you keep bumping into them? Very minimal.
"Oh." That's all Haru said. I mean what else could he say? "Oh so you're a Sohma hmm? Are you a distant relative or a close cousin? Judging by your looks you're probably of the Junishi as well. That's good because I'm also the Ox." "Oh no way I'm the fox!" "No way!" "Way!" And the two link arms running off into the sunset together. Yeah like that'll happen.
"So how come I've never heard of you?" Haru asked now completely facing her.
Mai just shrugged once again. "I really don't associate with any Sohma since I live elsewhere. Wait actually today I have to move into some guys house. Starts with an S. Ugh it's gonna drive me crazy till I figure out the name. Now what was it-"
"-Shigure." Haru supplied and Mai snapped her fingers. "Yeah him. Apparently Akito says I have to live there."
Haru looked down shaking with anger. Akito. Wasn't he the one that started all this shit between Rin and him. Akito pushed Rin out of the two story window killing their relationship.
"You okay?" Mai reached out to comfort him but Haru- correction. Black Haru gripped her wrist crushing it causing her to wince in pain.
"Are you okay? Are you okay? Is that all you know how to say. And just for the record I'm not okay!" Black Haru growled. I mean why the heck couldn't this just chick just leave him alone. Misery loves company? Yeah right.
Tears began to form in her eyes the tighter his grip became, "Haru you're hurting me."
"That's obviously the point." Haru let go of her wrist and picked her up slamming her into the wall causing her to hit her head. Haru still holding the collar of her shirt spoke venemously, "How dare you walk around without a care in the world while Rin is incapacitated and broken? You don't deserve to even breathe the same air she does you worthless filth." And with that Black Haru stormed off. The normal tough Mai that no one could ever touch broke down and cried.
She remembered being only five years old with her parents constantly abusing her treating her like a dog. Making her sleep outside even in the pouring rain, starving her, burning her, making her do all the chores, she was isolated from everyone and everything, and every night her parents made her recite how useless pathetic and worthless she truly was. Her Dad called her worse things than what her Mother did. One day they had enough of Mai and threw her out on the street. She was constantly scrambling for food, sleeping under bridges and behind alleys, going door to door waiting for her prayers to be answered. And just when she had given up hope Ryu supplied her food and water if she would do as he requested. Finally a police officer found her and asked her where her parents were and where she lived.
"I have no parents." Was the sad reply and so a social worker stopped by and searched until she found a foster home for Mai and they took her in with open arms. That's how she came to be the rough around the edges chick she was today. She knew how to fight hence the battle scars, she's gone through hardship, and she still manages to survive.
The final bell rang signaling the end of school. Mai hurriedly dried her tears and swooped off the roof landing in the bushes. Of course she had several scrapes, bumps and bruises. And since it was a second story building she broke her ankle but she didn't care. She deserved the pain, or so she thought. Mai continued to limp until she ended up in an unfamiliar forest. Where was Shigures house? Should she just swallow her pride and ask for directions? Nah that was for sissies. She continued to limp until she collapsed in exhaustion and before she could help it her eyes slowly drifted closed.
When she came to she was surrounded by a brunette, a silver haired boy she recognized as the prince, a blonde, an orange haired guy, a black haired man, and...Hatsuharu. Mai shot up only to hiss in pain. She must have fallen harder than she thought.
"Please Mai you must rest." The brunette reminded her determinedly.
"And just who are you people? And how do you know my name?" Mai looked from person to person with growing suscpicion.
"Oh I'm Tohru Honda and I live here with the Sohmas Shigure, Kyo, and Yuki." Tohru plastered a big smile on her face and Mai nodded in understanding. Haru must have told them her name.
"We called the family doctor Hatori to come look things over. So Akito said you need to stay here huh? I wonder what he's up to this time around," Shigure said with a faraway look in his eyes. If you ask Mai he came off as quite creepy.
"Thanks but I'm fine...Really." Mai pulled the covers back and saw that her ankle was wrapped in an ace wrap bandage courtesy of this Tohru girl.
"I think your ankle says different." Haru retorted picking at the black nail polish on his thumb nail.
Mai twitched, "Why are you talking to me? I thought I was filth?" Haru looked up in puzzlement. "Can I speak to Mai...Alone." Everyone else left murmuring in confusion.
"What are you talking about?"
"Don't play dumb with me. You know what you said! And just for the record I'm not filth!...I'm not." Mai's voice dropped to a whisper and a tear escaped her eye which she quickly wiped away.
"Oh I might not have remembered because I was probably black. I wonder what provoked me..."
"Thats easy. The same person to blame for everything wrong with the world, me." Mai turned away to face the wall but Haru decided she needed to be comforted. Mai may have sounded mature, tough, and like she could handle herself. But right now she looked like a frail child that had been scarred far too many times. Mai shoved Haru off her and he tried once again. Eventually after another try she gave in and hugged him back.
Before they realized it they sat like this for half an hour and it would have gone on longer if they hadnt been interrupted by a feminine giggle that emitted from Shigure.
"Oh don't stop you two are just so cute together. Hatori come look, Haru found a new sex buddy!"
How many times did he have to hit his head to come up with such a name as sex buddy?
Haru and Mai immediately pulled away. Haru still didn't show emotion but he did allow a low growl to escape in Shigures direction warning him to quit while he's ahead. Mai on the other hand turned pale. Shigure ran off crying out for Ayame and his laughter could be heard throughout the house.
Haru chuckled to himself wondering how his first love was taking it. He wondered what threat Yuki decided on this time. Hatori crossed over and introduced himself to Mai before rummaging through his black doctor bag.
"Do you have all your stuff together?"
"Well Hatori I was hoping I would be able to stay a couple of nights." Haru looked up with the same emotionless face. Mai wondered if he ever showed emotion other than anger or his neutral one.
"Don't you have your own place I could drop you off at?" Hatori fished out his stethoscope and stuck the plugs in his ears and Haru responded, "We have school tomorrow so it would be easier to stay here to avoid getting lost. Besides my parents are out of town for two months on their 'second honeymoon' as they put it."
Hatori shook his head, "I'm often tempted to just buy you a GPS." Hatori examined all of Tohrus first aid handy work and made a few minor adjustments. He checked for a concussion, ligament tears, and any lacerations he might have missed.
"Make sure to keep your left foot elevated above your heart, drink plenty of fluids and eat three meals a day. You're slightly malnourished, any questions?" Mai shook her head managing to catch the doctors orders. There was something comforting she found in this cousin of hers. She had also felt a sense of familiarity and warmth at the same time tension and a cold heart.
Hatori got up and Haru followed him out into the hallway closing the door behind him.
"Can I stay here a few days outside of school to take care of her?" Hatori eyed him suspiciously out of the good eye not covered by a tuft of hair.
"Why the sudden interest? I hope you're not using her to get over Rin. Because you feel like your conscience won't be clear until you help this girl to compensate for what little you could do for Rin."
Hatsuharu glared at the zodiac's 'seahorse'. What makes him think he can just speak that way? Who died and made him the king of judgement?
And with that Hatori went down stairs taking steps two at a time and told Ayame to come and because of his great admiration for Harori he followed. Haru went downstairs himself to get Mai a glass of milk and a plate of cookies that Tohru had baked. He saw Yuki and Kyo duking it out and Yuki was angrier now more so than usual because of his flamboyant brothers surprise visit. Tohru was trying to make peace and Shigure was there with a bowl of popcorn putting his money on Yuki winning the fight in under ten seconds.
Haru climbed the stairs and opened the door to see Mai looking out the window with longing at the setting sun.
"I brought you milk and cookies." Haru grunted. "I'm lactose intolerant and I despise oatmeal cookies." In order to cover up her embarrassment from What Shigure referred to them as, she resorted to the next best thing. Being difficult.
Haru sat the tray down on the nightstand twitching. "I was trying to be nice." Haru explained through clenched teeth and Mai rolled her eyes.
"Yeah well maybe I'm allergic to cookies too. Are you trying to kill me?!"
"Oh is that a request? I could always choke you to sleep." Haru growled yet he was still white for the time being.
"Aww you're not gonna sing me a lullaby too?" Mai slumped against the pillows and the both exchanged death glares with eachother.
They continued this for what seemed like ages to them but in reality was only five minutes before Yuki stepped in between them.
"Mai you have a visitor." Yuki stepped aside and Katsumi stepped out from behind the prince.
"Katsumi!" Mai squealed her eyes shining with tears of joy to see him unharmed. The deal with Ryu was that he'd take care of her as long as she did what he asked. And since she find foster care she no longer required his services, but he required hers. So he blackmailed her with what was most important to her. Katsumi.
"Who is this?" Haru asked curiously and strangely enraged. This guy wasn't bad looking, far from it. Did Haru feel a sliver of jealousy that this guy knew Mai and that this guy could bring that cute smile to her face. Why was he thinking things like this, wasn't Mai his newfound archenemy or something?
"My boyfriend." That did it. It was just enough to unleash Black Haru still clueless about his budding feelings for Mai Sohma.
Embarrassing. But not as bad as I thought xD (I think I edited the first chapter a bit ago, but its still bleh)
Now...onto a recent piece! ^_^
I stand outside his dormitory. Water pelts me like bullets, grazing the skin of my arms and legs. But I just remain in place, soaked to the bone as if the water nurtured me. As if it helped me to right myself and breathe normally again. I'm drenched in the yellow, ethereal glow that emanates from the streetlight that towers above me, as my clothes cling to me like they're an extension of me by the time I hear approaching footsteps. But I refuse to turn around. I know its not just an ordinary person, passing me by on the sidewalk. He has a different feel; a different atmosphere that follows him, latching onto his coattails and demanding that you give him your undivided attention. It beckons you to involve yourself in the mystery that is Haru, enticing you to give your secrets in exchange for his own.
"Mai, I need to talk to you." His speech is smooth and seamless, rather than the stilted staccato I'd anticipated. We were both coming from two separate paths, to meet at the neutral crossroads of this sidewalk, just outside of his dorm. The air was thick and suffocating, even though the downpour only came down harder.
I meet his request with silence, grasping both of my arms in a weak attempt to trap whatever heat remained.
It rained down with a vengeance as his arms wind around my waist, and his mouth rests below my ear. The moment his lips pressed against my neck, I should have swung on him. Hit him...did something to get far, far away. But I'm an idiot...my hand moved to the back of his head, to pull him closer. And my eyes fall shut as I fight my desire to escape, though I wish I didn't feel the unction to stay here.
He groans against my skin, a whoosh of warmth setting off goosebumps as he surrounds me. I feel so miserable because I know it wasn't his fault that Rin kissed him, no matter what she said. I know he didn't reciprocate it. And I hate that. It would have made it so much easier to leave him if he'd decided to cheat on me back then. He was faithful to me...even when I was a royal pain; a virus, to him.
His thumbs find the belt loops of my jeans, drawing me to him in a movement I barely register as he lays kisses all over me. We're bathed in rain and fog, but it doesn't seem to deter either of us from giving in to what we'd been starved of the past few months. One hand moves from my hip to my stomach, as he nips my earlobe. I didn't even know that my ears were sensitive or that they could be considered erogenous until I'd gotten entangled with him. But...
"Haru," I gasp out, biting my lip to keep from crying out at the onslaught of emotion. He was like a heady, intoxicating cocktail that I finally allowed myself to indulge in again.
He shivers at the way I say his name, and his palm flexes against my stomach.
"Can we go to your room?"
He pauses at my request, leaning back just enough that my heart rate climbs down a step or two. When it hits me that it sounds like I'm implying that I want to become a new notch in his headboard, I stumble over my words trying to clarify.
"I mean..um, to..talk. Because I- er, we need to?"
His answer is to grab my hand and run out of the rain and into the shelter of his dorm. The hallways lack light except for the little lanterns that hang overhead. I hadn't realized how late it had gotten. It had to have been well past lights out by now.
The plan was for us to come back and discuss everything. But when I got a look at his movie collection, I changed direction in hopes of putting it off for as long as possible. If the wrong things were said, it could be the end. Even though I tried to cut him loose myself, I did it because I was afraid...and especially terrified of him maybe rejecting me. But I realize now that never being with him again is the scary part.
I blindly picked out a movie and popped it into the DVD tray, taking my seat next to Haru on the floor in front of his bed. The screen illuminates and casts its glow across the room as it picks up where he or Yuki left off the last time. In the scene, a woman presses her hand against the glass of the shower, and it fogs up with condensation as a man lurks into the bathroom, creeping on her as she showers.
What the heck?
It transitions to him making his way down the hallway, into the kitchen towards what I assume to be her kitchen sink. His gaze drops to where the wine glass is deposited, bringing it up to examine the lip print that stained it. He draws it towards his mouth, matching his lips up with hers and drinking the last remnants of red wine.
Okay...I apparently suck at selecting movies at random. Good to know.
Haru's hand drops to mine, his fingers weaving through the spaces between. Its the familiarity of his ring on my finger, colliding with his that snaps me out of the film and into reality. My hearing is tunneled, narrowed. Its as if every other sound is muted except ours; of breaths and heartbeats. Mine is thudding and clamoring like I could hear it through the floorboards, taunting me into submission. Like it was beckoning me to bend to its will and relieve it of its wounds by baring them to him. All because he reached out to me to be my anchor.
"I...was raped, Haru." I try to inhale, but there's a knot in my chest. Even though I know I've stated the obvious.
"And, I don't know what to do anymore. I thought I had everything under control and that nothing could throw me. I've seen too much. Heard too much...done too much, to be affected as badly as I was. But I-" I falter in my confession as my voice catches on that one syllable. I choose to stare down at my legs, covered by the pair of shorts he let me borrow from being out in the rain.
"I feel like there's no hope. For real, this time. I'd always thought like that, it was my mentality to not have faith or put my hope in anything...or anyone. But I really can't get over this." I grit my teeth, feeling the dam softening and my defenses beginning to fold. "I just can't stop thinking about it. Or feeling it. Its like every time I breathe, I can feel him inside of me and its a nightmare."
The oxygen in the room feels paper thin. I heave, desperately trying to stop the panic attack from taking me. Because I don't want to fall apart. Not in front of him!
His hold on my hand tightens marginally, my pulse jumping in response to my sudden awareness of him again. I can feel the rage and sadness from the way his hand quivers, but it never releases mine. And I know right then, that's it for me. There was no chance I'd be leaving here emotionally unscathed. It was impossible. I turn towards him, tracing the line of his jaw with my thumb, feeling the stinging in my eyes and the inevitable that follows.
I start crying.
A wave of vertigo knocks the breath out of me as my chest caves in on itself. But he only holds me to him, tilting his head downwards so that his forehead meets mine. He doesn't ignore how badly I'm trembling and on the verge of convulsions because of how much fear and panic is gripping my soul. He doesn't mock how the rhythm of my heartbeat is rapidly spiraling off beat. Instead, his own tears fall upon my eyelashes and join mine, gliding down my cheeks to converge at my chin. I'm struck with the sudden overwhelming warmth and cold that stems from him crying for me. And crying with me. I can't help but bury my head into the point where his neck meets the collar of his worn band tee, though I apologize over and over about soaking his shirt with my weakness.
"Never apologize for crying in front of me, Mai," he whispers into my hair, kissing me on the top of my head, fearing how I'd react to intimacy. "Emotion isn't something we're supposed to hide."
I pull my lip between my teeth, laughing through my tears a little. "You really do have a poetic soul..."
He smiles in remembrance, drawing my hand up to the lips that alleviated my pain. He rains kisses down on my knuckles and fingertips, as he recalls how much time has gone by. "You learn something new about me everyday? Isn't that right?"
I watch his lips trail past the back of my hand to the inside of my wrist, entranced by his ministrations. "I've been learning about you since the day we met. Remember that game of 20 Questions? We never did finish, after all-" My breath hitches as he pulls me into his lap so that my legs are on either side of him, and we're eye to eye. But I try to hide his image and plunge myself back into darkness by squeezing my eyes shut. It was so familiar being this close to a man...and the last time...that ended in so...much...
"Open your eyes, Mai."
Its gentle but carried with great conviction. But I'm scared to open my eyes. I don't want to see that man staring back at me. I didn't want to see those blue eyes or those black loafers. I could still feel his nails on me. And smell the space barely and saltine crackers from then...I didn't want to see him.
"Please?" I feel his hand take my chin, caressing it with his thumb. "I would never hurt you."
I inhale. Then exhale.
When my eyes reopen and the blurry focus of black and white clears, I recognize who is here with me. And he would never hurt me. Not like that.
My heart leaps with gratitude and praise. Because I'd never known someone so kind and patient and understanding. Everyone always abandoned you when it wasn't convenient for them anymore. But he's also pushed when he needed to, and left me to myself in the moments I couldn't breathe because of where I was and whom I was with. I feel indebted to him, but have no way of knowing how to repay him. What could I possibly give him?
"Haru?" I ask, opening and closing my hand as hesitance creeps in. "What do you want? How can I repay you for putting up with me?"
Silence sweeps the room and something like a draft follows my question. He doesn't give away what he's thinking or feeling even though I'm looking right into his eyes. Didn't they say the eyes are the window to the soul? Because his revealed nothing but the blankness I was once accustomed to. But instead of answering, he smirks, and his hand moves to the small of my back. He yanks me forward so that I'm flush against him from my seat on his lap, leaving no space between us emotionally or physically. His mouth lands on my cheek and he speaks against me, "You can give me your pain." His lips glide to outline mine before pausing just above them. "You can give me your wants and needs. Your heart and soul." I suck in a breath and this time, he shivers as he hovers over my bottom lip. "You can give me yourself. That's all I need."
I try to laugh to ease the tension, but it comes out breathy. "Are you sure you wouldn't rather have some milk, Moo Man?"
His toxic eyes blaze like oil unifying with fire. As if my laughter was his kerosene. "I've missed you, Mai..." he murmurs, pressing his lips against mine and wrapping his arms securely around my waist. I moan out of pain just as much as I do pleasure, because it hits me how badly I've missed him. It hurt more to be apart than I'd ever imagined...I loved him. So much that I couldn't wrap my head around it. I take his cheeks in the palms of my hands, reciprocating his kiss with more passion and fury than I've ever managed to before. I was whirled up in an emotion that had my chest bursting with delight and regret all at once.
His tongue skims my lips like he was trying to get to the end before reading me from the beginning. When his tongue plunges past my lips and I taste vanilla, it lights me up in a way that I can't explain. He said that he hated vanilla...but there was the flavor of the malts I drank. Vibrations from his throat thump around like the bass to our favorite song as he runs his hands down my sides in a manner that makes my insides burn with his heat. I shift as warmth pools in my stomach and his hips roll towards mine, enticing a throaty sound to part my lips in a way that's embarrassing. I withdraw, mortified though Haru seems to be enjoying every minute of it. He closes the gap by taking my bottom lip between his teeth, sucking it, before diving towards my throat and kissing his way down. And my back arches against the onslaught of intensity. It kindles more of that heat that floods the pit of my stomach as the desire for what was my biggest fear is stirred. Sex. Sex. Sex. That's all I wanted...but its wrong. All of it. Even though that last bit of innocence had already been stolen from me, I still wanted my time with Haru to be special and kept within marriage. For him to show me that sex didn't have to be ugly or selfish. If he would have me one day, that is.
Remembering this, I have to rip myself apart from him to hold onto the wits I had left. Even though he was a tempting alternative. "We need to stop..." Unfortunately, my whimper didn't sound too convincing.
"Yeah," he rasps, his hands clasping behind my back and halting their movements. "You're right. I'm sorry. I got carried away."
I nod, feeling just as guilty as he sounded. "I know. I did too. And..."
"And?" He asks, encouragingly.
"It felt...um. Good?" I squeak out, my cheeks blaring like a red traffic light. It somehow darkens to a new shade when he chuckles, pecking me on the lips softly. "You sound unsure."
"Well, I'm sure. I really enjoyed it." I close my eyes, slapping my hand to my forehead. "I sound so stupid."
"No you don't," he insists, rising to his feet with my legs still wrapped around his midsection. "I find it unbelievably sexy how shy you are about it."
I huff, flinging my arms around his neck so I won't fall. "Yeah right."
"I mean it."
Choosing to ignore his statement and the blush it brings, I decide to ask him the question that had been nagging me for the past few minutes as he seats us on the bed. "Did you happen to have ice cream today? Like, vanilla?"
He gives me such a wicked grin that my heart is devoured by anticipation. "Why do you ask?"
"Just answer the question, Hatsuharu," I demand, impatience swelling up in my chest like a balloon full of hot air. "Or I'll have to kill you."
Haru starts with a laugh, surprise and satisfaction burning brightly in his eyes. "You're still just as feisty as before. Have I told you that I missed you?"
I duck my head to hide my smile, but can't help but wonder if he's trying to distract me again. "Yes, you did. But that still doesn't answer me." I amble off his lap and make my way up the bed, sitting so that my back rests against the headboard. I go so far as to fold my arms and glare at him until he decides to give me a straight answer.
He holds his hands up in surrender, shrugging with that stupid (sexy) smirk of his. "I did have a malt, Queen Mai. I apologize if it offended your highness."
I growl and snatch up one of his pillows, bopping him on the head before tossing it behind me. "Smart alec. I thought you hated malts."
"I do," he quips, twisting around so that he faces me full on and looks about ready to pounce on me. "But its like I've said. I missed you...malts remind me of you."
He always knows what to say to get me feeling sappy. How?! "Well dumplings probably do, too. But I don't see you eating that crap."
Such a simple statement seems to engulf him in appreciation and contentment, having long forgotten my pillow assault, he decides to join me at the head of the bed. He slips under the covers and gestures for me to move for a second so that he can pull back the covers on my side of the bed. I like the sound of that...myside of his bed. It spoke of commitment as if he wanted to keep me at his side. He doesn't have to tell me twice for me to bury myself beneath his heavy, toasty blanket before he turns off his bedside lamp and darkness clothes the room.
Terror causes me to frantically look around, wishing my eyes were already adjusted to the dark. I didn't have my sleep aid or nightlight. It was always so hard to sleep when it was pitch black now.
The familiar panic bears down on me so heavily that it feels strangling, seconds before I'm against a warm, inviting body and wrapped up in an embrace that quiets the fear that ran rampant in my mind. His breath comes out in short, warm puffs against my hair as he cradles the back of my head and my leg entangles with his again. I allow the serenity I only knew around him to settle over me like the darkness that almost paralyzed me just a moment before.
I didn't know what just happened tonight. I wondered if I was even sober because all the decisions I made under the secrecy of twilight were not the same ones I'd make once the dawn rose. But I'd felt lonely for so long. And right now, I don't. I don't care about anything else right now. I could deal with it in the morning. But all I wanted to do was lie here with him and pretend that things were just as before; when the mission hadn't happened yet.
Now if only my heart could convince my brain of that come tomorrow morning. Right now, my celebrated memory and brain were just a big pile of mush.
"Goodnight Mai..."
Yup. Mush.
I nuzzle his neck and close my eyes, reveling in how comforting it was to be so close to him.
"Goodnight Haru."
2009 - 2016
A lot can change in between ;)