PLEASE NOTE -- This is not actually fanfiction, but the original proposals for each episode of the CW hit series, Gossip Girl. I figured fans would appreciate seeing how the script changes as it goes fromthe rough draft to it's final form. If you ask me I'd say the original is far superior, but that's just one person's opinion. Read and decide for yourself which you like better.

Pilot

Selena van der Pushoversen, Clair Wall, Charlie Crass, and Archie McSerious all used to be the best of friends way back in the day. So far back that they were all still virgins (loooooong time ago). But now they all hate Selena. Except for Archie because he wants to tap that ass, even though he is Clair's boyfriend.

SCANDALOUS!!

Selena went away for a long long time (a semester) and now she is back. She actually slept with Archie before she left even though Clair has been wanting a piece of that ever since kindergarten and Selena knew!

SCANDALOUS!!

"Hey did you see what's posted on Sally Scandal?" An ugly Brooklynder named Jessica Csar asked.

"No! What??" Janice Humpty replied. Janice was so excited to hear the news that she started jumping up and down and up and down. She was so excited that she peed a little bit and didn't notice. Shoes, socks, and Sally Scandal were the only four things in the entire world that Janice cared about.

"Selena van der Pushoversen is back from boring school in Utah!"

Don Humpty, Janice's older brother, was standing nearby and couldn't help over hearing. Selena van der Pushoversen, the love of his life who he had never talked to was back? He got hard in his pants just thinking about her long, curly/sometimes straight blonde hair.

Clair, who was in the other room giving Archie a blow job, was not so thrilled. She tried to stop Archie from leaving by biting his tongue. He asked her politely to get off and when she wouldn't he was forced to punch her repeatedly in the face. The police came and took Archie away.

"Ha! You have swine flu!" Clair called after him.

"Ha! You have AIDS!!" Archie replied. Clair was so sad that she spent all night throwing up in the toilet.

Selena was so hungry after the train ride back, but no one wanted to feed her because everyone hated her and thought she could lose some weight. Everyone but Charlie Crass that is. Charlie pretended to hate Selena when Clair was around, but in reality he did not think anorexic girls were hot and forced Selena to eat his you-know-what.

"Thanks!" Selena said when she was done. "Grilled cheese sammiches are my favorite!"

And by "thanks" Charlie assumed what Selena was really saying was "take me now." Charlie climbed on top of her and they started making out. Then Selena remembered that she was reformed now and should be using her giant tits for good instead of evil.

"Get off of me!" She screamed.

Charlie Crass didn't understand. "I thought you were slutty? Remember last year when I jerked off to you and Archie sealing the deal at that wedding? That balcony has an amazing view."

"I am. But... my tits."

"Oh. Right... Tits." They were both sad but understood why things would never work out between them.

Selena had been in such a hufflepuffle about not being able to get it on with Charlie Crass that she didn't even realize when she dropped her phone. Fortunately Don found it last night when he was at Selena's hotel trying to hook up with her, but Selena hardly even noticed Don that night.

The next day Don went back to the hotel and attempted to explain that he was only trying to return Selena's phone. But the security guard saw through his clever disguise and crushed Don Humpty's head in between his thighs.

Selena walked in at just that moment. "Um... am I interrupting something?" she cried out.

By now Don's head was filled with blood and he was trying his hardest not to explode all over the hotel. "Cell... phone..." he croaked and held up the phone for her to see.

"OMG! It's like my child! Thank you! I thought I lost it!" Selena said. Because Selena learned how to take care of her children by her mother's example.

Selena eventually called off her security guard and Don was able to breathe again. But his face was still red when Selena's mother walked in.

"What the hell is wrong with your face??" She asked hysterically (it was hysterical).

Selena avoided the question for Don by changing the topic. She told her mom that she was allowing/forcing Don to take her on a date in repayment for finding her cell phone. Don was going to go see his dad's band of saggy old men play but Selena decided that was like super lame and it would be way more fun to crash Clair's Hug on the Mug party.

Meanwhile, Charlie had gone to Archie's rescue and payed his bail. And the first thing Archie did once he got out of there was he set up dinner plans with Clair.

"So," he said in a serious tone, "I didn't really give you AIDS."

Clair was so relieved that she took a long sip of her margarita and sighed.

"But if I did," Archie continued, "I would have gotten them from Selena. We slept together last year."

Clair spit her drink all over his face (but he didn't mind because he's into that). "WHAT THE HELL??" she screeched.

"But I love you!" Archie replied.

"Aw. All is forgiven. I love you too!" Clair then gave a little bit more thought to what he just said. "Wait, why do you love me?"

"Shhh. Let's not ask silly questions."

Then Clair realized they were late to her party so they left.

Clair looked pretty pissed off to see Selena at her party, and Selena loved it because she's a dramawhore like that. "Isn't this so much fun?" she asked Don. But he was busy eating cheese squares.

Selena made Don escort her to the upstairs bathroom because there was a couple getting it on in the downstairs one. On the way up the stairs Selena stepped on something silky and almost fell over. She looked closer and saw it was Charlie's signature scarf so she picked it up. "Ew!" she said, throwing it back to the floor. "Why does Charlie's scarf smell like pre-pubescent girl??"

"Pre-pubescent girl??" Don said with a gasp. "That must be my sister Janice!" So they ran to the rooftop and found Charlie all over Janice, and Janice pretending like she didn't like it.

"Don! Help me!" Janice cried out. But there was nothing Don could do; he was far too weak to take on Charlie by himself. It was up to Selena van der Pushoversen to save the day.

Selena shouted, "Get off of her!" and then punched Charlie in the face with her giant left tit. It came flying toward him in slow motion and delivered a blow unlike any he had ever felt before.

"Noooo," Charlie shouted, but it was already too late. He flew backward upon impact and immediately started to form a black eye.

"You're life's over slut!" he yelled at her. Then he joined Clair downstairs and they both mean-mugged Selena as she, Don, and Janice drove off.

A.N. Next chapter(/episode) will be posted in a few days. Enjoy!