I needed a break, this was the result of it.
I feel like I'm floating. That's the first difference I notice, and it scares me.
For the longest time I had felt like I was buried beneath a crushing weight that never lessened no matter how much I struggled against it. Restricting my movement, making me unable to breathe. To feel it lifted at last almost makes me miss it. This newfound freedom terrifies me. I feel like I might drift away at any moment, uncontrollably.
Darkness surrounds me, but this is not the first time. It has been long since I found fear in darkness. Now it works to ease me in this newfound place. I find comfort in it; it means something is happening.
Finally happening.
Then I start to see them. All around me, points of light brighten and dim within the darkness until my strange vision comes to focus and their shape settles. Countless in number, they surround me. I feel drawn to them. I do not know how far away any of them are. They could be right next to me or on the other side of the universe, but still the call to me. And so I begin to drift through the void. How far or for how long I do not know, such things are meaningless here. Such things have been meaningless to me for a long time.
The lights do not get brighter as I get closer, they do not grow in size; they are a constant in this place of unknown. And yet I know that I'm getting closer. I can feel their pull growing.
Finally, I reach a group of them. Five of the lights cluster together. They almost seem to be interacting in a way. They make no acknowledgement to my presence and I drift closer. As I do, they seem to move away from me. They ignore me. I try to reach out them, but that only pushes them further back.
For some reason, their behavior hurts me. I begin to wonder if the act of reaching out to them has somehow injured me in some way before I realize what it really is: sadness.
What a strange thing to feel after so long…
Rejected, I move on, seeking out more of the lights in the distance. I meet another group – three this time – and am met with a similar reaction. I do not try to reach out to these. It would be a waste, and there are plenty of others to try. But they are not the last to treat me such. Any group I reach meets me much the same welcome and my sadness deepens. Why do they reject me…?
They have every right to reject me, I remember. But, that won't be enough to stop me. There is still something I have to do. And I still have the determination to see it through.
That thought brought something to the edge of my attention, something new and yet the same. A force pulling me even more strongly than all the others combined, and I felt compelled to go to it.
I traveled a great distance, this time I could feel it. All the while this nagging sense ate at me that I needed to move faster. I needed to reach that which drew me in. I would have thought all of my impatience burned out of me by that point, but this feeling ignited it as if it were the only thing I had left in me. The thing that drew me in was like a primal force of the universe, a gravity in a world where none existed. I knew this force, it was mine once, and I would have it again.
Then, suddenly, it is before me, a sun the likes of which I had never known. It towers over me, eclipsing all of the other lights that floated through the void with its radiance. How could I have possibly have missed it before that moment? It seemed to occupy the whole of that unknown world all at once.
Unlike the others, it acknowledges my presence. Anger and hatred radiated from the glowing blue giant, and justifiably so, but all of that was brought to a smolder by its apathy. It saw me and did nothing, knowing I was merely nuance that could do nothing to it and that it need simply wait until I went away, defeated – as it felt I deserved.
I try to reach out, first in apology for what I had done before, but my empathetic touch is washed away by its might. I try again, giving all I had left to reach it and was met with a backlash that did cause me pain. It felt like I was being seared away to nothing. Then the weight of the giant's apathy lifted and the full brunt of its anger turned its gaze on me. The giant came closer and its monumental gravity threatened to pull me in, to consume me.
I was going to die, after coming so close. I have no hope of any alterative, having ceased to believe in such foolery a long time ago. And yet still I feel some part of me call out to the space beyond, stemming out from some instinct buried long ago. And then I wait for my end, knowing no answer would come.
I feel a force like breaking the surface of water and the giant retreats. As the light resolves itself, a new presence stands between us. Protective instinct washes off of it in waves to rival the giant potency. This new light was also larger than me, yet it was not even half the size of the giant. I didn't understand why it had come to my aid, yet I felt that if I reached out the meaning would become clear.
A twin to this new light appears, it too standing between the giant and I, and its feelings were the same as well. I don't understand.
I feel something pass between them and the giant, though I couldn't say what, and then giant's attention turned back to me once more, its anger diminished once again and replaced by… curiosity.
I reach out to it once more, trying to express my regret and my need for its strength. It brushes me off almost as soon as I was done. Before, I would have been angry at this; I would have forced the giant to my will, but I feel as if I possess neither the strength nor the desire. I had already learned how far forcing things would get me.
Something else passes between my guardians and the giant, but it seems to turn from them as well. I thought the giant might retreat, but then another appears, and then another, and then another until six surround me. Each gave off a different color light and each carried the same force as the first.
They seem to confer with one another. Waves of emotion crashed off of each as they went back and forth. Anger, loathing, regret, and more curiosity.
Then, at once, they all turn their attention to me, and I feel as if I might be crushed under the force of their gaze. Their curiosity comes with the attention and for the final time I ask for their help.
They linger for a moment, before going back to themselves, much calmer than before. My guardians add to the exchange much more fervently. I can see other lights gathering around us, drawn by the display. They stay back, watching.
Then, a silence descends though no sound had been made since I found myself here. I wait for their answer, unsure of what to do if the wrong one were given.
The blue giant turns to me and with it I feel content and… agreement.
My guardians, my saviors, turn to me and I feel their happiness reflected in my own. They would be the first then.
They come towards me, and I feel them become a part of me, giving me strength. Once more, I feel as if I am floating, but this time I do not fear drifting away.
The giants, though they seem smaller now than they had before, begin to circle around me. Beyond them, I see the other doing much the same. All around me, lights begin to spin and I can feel them being drawn into me.
The lights draw close and I take all of that power into myself without hesitation.
I can feel myself becoming whole, feel pieces of me that I hadn't even remembered were missing being filled in, and I am reborn.
Finally. I was so tired of being a flower.
All of the souls meld into one within me, every single soul in the Underground.
No, not all. There was one that I did not see in that place, the one I had hoped to see most of all. Despite everything, I feel hope spring up within me. Maybe it is not my hope but the hope of others reflected by me. Whether mine or someone else's, the hope builds, borne of my desire – my goal since the very beginning. They were out there, I knew it. I need only call to them.
Chara, are you there?
It's me, your best friend.
Asriel Dreemurr.