Star Wars: The Parody Strikes Back
Part One
As he approached the new rebel base on Coruscant, the former Imperial home world, he looked at the former Emperor's palace. 'Former Imperial home world,' he liked the sound of that. 'Former Emperor's palace,' he liked that even more. He, admiral Jerad of the Rebel Alliance, had a new command post. One that had running water, air-conditioning, and none of those insane mosquito things. You haven't seen fury until you've seen a Wookie surrounded by a swarm of mosquitoes the size of Blaster Pistols. His fellow officers didn't know how react when they had comfortable lodgings, and nothing to gripe about. You'd think they'd be happy when their wasn't a Death Star with its ray locked onto their buttocks; but they must like to complain. The spires of the palace were wonders of architecture, except for the one that was knocked down by an X-Wing doing a victory roll. Oh well, the view was good anyway. Now he needed to get back to his office and await Luke Skywalker. He needed to think how to word his briefing in the simplest terms possible. For one the best warriors in the Alliance, he had a poor education. Almost like he'd been raised by farmers.
Anyway, he was glad to see that his underlings had set up a guard post. Most Rebels were discontented citizens with no formal military training. There was a short line of Rebels waiting to gain entrance to the palace. They were required to hand over their weapons. Hmm... a paranoid officer set up this post. Having a command post full of unarmed officers was too good a target for an Imperial raid. He'd have to set them straight. At the front of the line there was an argument. Stepping out of line and walking forward to investigate it he saw a Rebel refusing to hand over his Blaster Rifle. The guard made a grab for the Rifle, the Rebel responded with a fist to the guard's face. The guard went down, but he had a partner. With surprising speed the Ewok jumped on top of the Rebels shoulders. With a flury of punches and a choke hold of his feet around the Rebel's neck, the Rebel fell down giving a pathetic wimper. The Rebel was probably someone they rescued from an Imperial holding cell. Well, now he'll have to wait for the Imperials to rescue him from a Rebel holding cell. There is no screening process for Rebels, we take who we can get. So maybe it isn't such a bad idea that they shouldn't be armed.
After a short wait he was through. He kept his weapon. The pendants of his uniform had been enough for the guard to know that he shouldn't mess with him. Smart man. One of these days he should glue a number of bottle caps to a bare uniform and see if it gets him past the guards. Now he was strolling through the many hallways of the palace. Rich, elaborate portraits of former emperors in their scenes of glory were already defaced and vandalized. He didn't have a clue where he was going. He should have brought a map with him, the palace was so large. There were some soldiers in front of him. Maybe if he eavesdropped he could figure out were he was.
"I hate going to briefings now, since the Stormtroopers suddenly became competent."
"Yeah, all of the sudden they started to use formations, became disciplined."
"They can aim now. I can remember when Nybar used to do the mating dance when in the middle of a fire fight. It really angered those Stormtroopers. What happened to the good old days?"
"Their bright white armor is no longer a liability. They used to stick out so well."
"What happened?"
"I still can't understand it; their armor is reflecting or absorbing our Blasters!"
"You're serious, aren't you? I've heard that we're no longer winning shoot outs when we're outnumbered 3 to 1."
"Now how are we supposed to win a war against a better trained, better equipped, more numerous force? Tactics and intelligence?"
"I don't know; but there's longer any joy in learning the next target that must be gloriously taken. Not since there's a chance you can be killed."
"There's the medical ward, should we stop in on Biggs and Wedge?"
"No, it's better just to get the next assignment over with."
He'd heard about the Stormtroopers from military intelligence. The Imperials gave the Stormtrooper suit a signifcant upgrade: They cut eye holes in the helmet. Okay, now he knew where he was. He should see Biggs and Wedge. The idiots were lucky they weren't dead. Stepping into the medical ward was always depressing. Seeing the pale eyed, bleeding Rebels was an unwelcome reminder of the fact that he could be next. Biggs and Wedge were lying on beds, side by side in the far corner. He passed a pillar bearing a sign reading, "Burns Section; no smoking please." Wedge's X-Wing had been hit by a burst of Tie Fighter fire and a coolant line had ruptured. He'd caught fire and was only alive by the fact that his sqadmate took out the Tie Fighter before it made another attack run. That's what happens when you forget to raise your landing gear. He had significant dermal regeneration, and was recovering quite well. The nurse must have given him something powerful, he was staring at the white tile ceiling with a goofy smile. He wasn't even sure if Wedge knew he was there. He turned his attention to Biggs, who was sitting up, looking at him.
"So soldier, how are you recovering?"
"Excellent sir, I'm looking forward to another mission."
"I'm not sure whether you'll get your wings back. That was a pretty stupid stunt you pulled."
"Sir? If had been successful, I would have had an unobstructed line of fire with the destroyer, without being detected!"
"You pulled a 15G turn in a Y-Wing, while in the atmosphere of a gas giant! You're the only pilot I can remember that destroyed his own craft without anything touching it! When you're released, you'll be sent back to the training academy!" He wasn't going to, he needed every pilot he could get, but he didn't like Biggs, and wanted to rattle him up a little. As he turned to leave, Wedge tried to salute, but aimed too low and ended up karate chopping himself in the neck. The poor little fools. Now he had to get back to his office for the briefing, he was running out of time.
There were so many stairs. Why had the Emperor not bothered to put an elevator in here somewhere?
He had called the entire Jedi academy for this briefing. His disliked Jedi, they were all so idiotic. Even the Dark Jedi were idiots. Darth Vader had been the greatest boon to the Alliance possible. His strangling of Admiral Nyraeg for a personal slight guaranteed the Alliance victory over the two Death Stars. It's was like the force chose to be found in the least practical minds.
Well, at least until now. Now the Emperor's son was the new greatest threat to the New Republic and the Alliance. From what intelligence reports indicated, he was disowned by the Emperor and sent to be a Stormtrooper. That was before he discovered The Force. Using it, he had worked his way up to commander, without his father's knowing. Upon the Emperor's death he became an admiral, and a good one at that. He knows nothing but military tactics and how to bend The Force to his will. He reportedly designed the Empire's version of the Millennium Falcon, that were chewing up his X-Wing squadrons. He is able to take command of any willing mind on board his flagship, the Aetius, giving him unequaled efficiency. Who knew what other devious plans he was concocting? He was assembling almost the entire Imperial Fleet to retake Coruscant, so he needed his own, feeble minded Jedi to deal with him.
Now what he do if he had the powers of a Jedi? If he was a teenager being able to move objects (such as dresses) with thought, and have the ability to control minds would have very useful. Being able to choke people at will, or shoot out lightning from his hands seemed appealing now. That would get his subordinates in line. Good thing he didn't have the force, he'd cross over to the Dark Side so quickly he'd be out of breath and wheezing like Vader. The very first thing he'd do, though, would be to kill every single one of those Jar-Jar-Binks creatures. He'd probably create his own Death Star to do that. Naboo would be vaporized. Good thing he didn't have the force. What did Jedi do when they retired? He could imagine them on some lonely world, living in a hut, using their lightsaber to chop fire wood. He'd have to ask Luke sometime, but not now.
He was at his office now. The Emperor's study. Quite roomy. It was the best room in the palace, certainly better than Kirag's office. It was the Men's room in near the interior guard post. Apparently the study was being rewired, for R2D2 was there beeping about all those open consoles. He didn't like those droids, they were always tipping over. Maybe they had an alcohol problem. Then he noticed is secretary coming towards him. He liked to think he had one of the more attractive secretaries in Rebel Command. As she passed R2D2, it let out a loud 2-tone whistle. Its viewing piece rotated to follow her as she passed. Then it followed her, its viewing piece no more than 20 centimeters behind her. Thoughts of court martial for the droid ran through his mind, as R2D2 took a sharp right and began working on another console. It must of been in his head, it must have.
A loud yell from the adjacent room told him that someone wasn't agreeing with their new protocol droid. C3PO wasn't making any friends. That was to be expected; but the Scottish highlander yell, the crushing of metal, and a garbled voice saying, "Oh dear," was not. R2D2 joined him in investigating what was going. He saw that Commander Yesat had just thrust the butt of a Blaster Rifle in C3PO's face. He got good thrust in too, the rifle up to the trigger was embedded in what used to be C3PO's face. He was ashamed that he hadn't done it first. Maybe he'll give a medal to Yesat for that. R2D2 came in, gave an angry beep and stuck a prod into Yesat. He released a series of electric pulses that went into Yesat, through the Blaster Rifle, and into C3PO. "R2D2, you're a miserable, beeping pile of back wiring. If you don't get me out of this, I'll have your neuro processor as an X-Wing wheel jam," C3PO wailed. At that R2D2 let out a huge electrical discharge that finally separated the Blaster Rifle from C3PO's face.
Major Kirag walked into the room tell Admiral Jerad that the Jedis were here. He saw two droids fallen over, smoking, commander Yesat lying on the floor spasming beside a Blaster Rifle, and one Admiral Jerad laughing hysterically. "Maybe I won't tell him in person. Yeah, it'll be safer if I tell over the intercom. Yes, safer," he thought.
A few seconds later, over the intercom, "Admiral Jerad, the Jedis are here. They're in your ready room." Turning his sight from the comical scene in front of him, he had business to attend to. In his ready room was Luke, and two dozen other Jedis, and Jedis-in-training. "I've called you all here because of the Emperor's son, Lerutan. Under his leadership the Empire is on the offensive, and preparing a counter attack to retake Coruscant."
"Lerutan has made quite a disturbance in The Force; he is far more in tune than his father," Luke interjected.
Whatever, "This will be the decisive battle of the rebellion. If we win, it'll speed up the destruction of The Empire by 20 years. If we lose, the rebellion will be back where we were before the first Death Star. Lerutan's flagship, the Aetius, will be docking at Meru in the next few weeks to rearm. Meru is deep in Imperial held territory. How many Jedis and Jedis-in-training are there in your academy?"
"Eight full Jedi's and 23 Jedi's-in-training."
"That's a lot; I though you could only train one Jedi at time?"
"I've had to bend a few rules to reconstruct the order."
"I'm assigning all the Jedi competent enough not to impale themselves with a lightsaber to go to Meru, covertly, and stow aboard the flagship. There, during the upcoming battle they will sabotage the flagship and destroy Lerutan."
"Sorry James, I guess that means you can't go. "
"It was only once; I recovered! One end of a lightsaber looks like another when it's turned off!"
"I supposed you don't want to Leon to participate either. I caught him shaving himself with his lightsaber."
Jerad just stared blankly at the Jedis for a time. They were even dumber than he thought. Can't stand talking to them, can't win the war without them; what a situation. Leon did have one of the best shaves he'd seen though. "All competent Jedi, except Luke, are to participate in this mission. You'll meet back here in four days for a more detailed briefing, as intelligence comes in."
"Why am I not to participate? You know I am the only one who stands a chance against Lerutan."
"You are a symbol of hope for the New Republic and the Rebel Alliance, we can't risk your death. And, well, this is a suicide mission. Lerutan doesn't need to be killed outright, we just need to destroy the ship, and he'll go with it. Luke, I need to you to lead Rogue Squadron for the upcoming battle. I doubt either Biggs or Wedge will be ready. I'll trust your word not to disobey orders. Dismissed."
With that they left, somber, joyless. Such was the reality of war. From the way they act, he sometimes thinks he's in some magical kids' movie. He needed a break, and a Corethian ale. Maybe a week with his family would do him good.
He turned on his intercom, "Admiral Jerad to Commander Weshan, the Jedis have left. From the sound of it Luke'll be a hero and go to Meru. Assemble a raiding force to extract him should he do so. Admiral Jerad out." Maybe he should have checked to see if Weshan was listening. Eh, he'll do it later.
Well the day's work had been done, he could relax now. Just then the intercom came alive, Kirag spoke, "Sir, a Hans Sulu (sic) and a Wookie are here to speak to you about their fee."
"Tell them to come back tomorrow."
"I tried sir, but... well you better see for yourself." On a nearby view screen came the image of a Wookie with a guard in a headlock in each arm, and its foot resting on the chest of a third guard. His growling was holding back another dozen guards. "Sir, I don't think they'll take no for an answer."
"Very well, send this Hans Sulu and his Wookie in." It was a long day, about to get longer. Wookies didn't take showers very often.
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