What the fuck? You're reading this shit? Damn, man, this fic is about as sane as Selling Your Soul or LightningHunter's Parody. Oh well, I posted those, may as well post this. It's still better then half the shit you get on this site.
Basically...well, yeah, it turns out Itachi and Sasuke are Naruto's sons. My mind can be really weird sometimes.
Go ahead, read on. I dare you.
This fic is almost crack, but not quite. Just some crazy one-shot.
Tsunade examined the results of the tests. No viruses, or diseases, or anything else. The three appeared healthy. Of course, two of them, she couldn't care less about. Naruto, the one remaining, was all that mattered to her.
She casually tossed the papers across her table, and was just about to open a secret drawer containing her special reserve of sake, when the door opened and Shizune appeared in the doorway.
"Tsunade-sama, Itachi and Sasuke have woken up. And the ANBU guard is requesting you arrive, as they realised they can't harm each other, and are as such, insulting each other. And Naruto is about to wake."
"What?" snapped Tsunade. "Alright, I'll be there in a sec-" Her eyes casually fell upon her table, noticing the results of the tests on Naruto, Sasuke and Itachi together. "Oh ...Kami." She grabbed the papers and started examining them.
"Tsunade-sama, is everything all right?" asked Shizune in a concerned tone.
"Shizune, do you have the results to the other check-ups we did on the three?" asked Tsunade, in a slight panicky tone.
"Yes," said Shizune, revealing that she was holding a large amount of paperwork. She placed it on the desk and handed some of the papers to Tsunade, who grabbed them.
Tsunade read over the papers, comparing results.
"Oh Kami. Oh, Kami, Kami, Kami," she said, trembling at the news she had discovered.
"Tsunade-sama, what-" Shizune was cut off as Tsunade placed the results on the table, side-by-side, so Shizune could compare them.
And to a trained medic like Shizune, she easily saw it as well. But unlike Tsunade, she blacked out.
Tsunade strode through the wards, clutching the papers, holding them at her chest so no passing doctor or nurse could notice them. Shizune followed her, her head still spinning at the revelations the papers had shown.
She entered the secure ward which held Itachi, Sasuke and Naruto. The three had gotten into a strange fight( Sasuke attacking Itachi, Naruto attacking Sasuke, Itachi attacking Naruto) where they got themselves knocked out into the merry world of unconsciousness, and were brought back to the hospital, secured, but Itachi and Sasuke were secured with chakra-binding rope and seals.
The three sat up as she entered(well, Naruto sat up, while the other two struggled in their bindings). Tsunade signalled for the ANBU guards to leave.
"What do you want?" spat Sasuke, struggling furiously.
Itachi sighed. "You should really learn to show some respect, Sasuke," he casually reprimanded his brother as if he wasn't a clan killing maniac, trying to scoop out people's eyes.
"Oba-"
"Say that and I'll break your jaw," warned Tsunade, and Naruto hastily shut his mouth. She wondered what was the best way to break this to them. "I was comparing your test results, and I discovered they were rather similar..."
"Well, Sasuke and I are related, it is quite likely we'll have similar blood, etc," sighed Itachi. "And as for Naruto...well, this isn't one of those fanfictions where Naruto's mother was an Uchiha, is it?"
"What the hell are you talking about?" were the simultaneous words of Shizune, Tsunade, and Sasuke.
"Yeah," put in Naruto. "Believe it."
Itachi glared at the blonde ninja. "Don't ever use your English dubbed counterpart's catchphrase again, or I'll kill you."
"What the hell are you talking about?" And Shizune, Tsunade and Sasuke repeated themselves.
Itachi sighed (he seems to like doing that, doesn't he?). "Never mind."
Tsunade thought, 'screw this, just get it over with.'
"I compared your medical results, and it appears that you three are very, closely related. In fact it would seem that Naruto travels into the past, where he sleeps with your mother on different occasions, and she gives birth to you two, Itachi, Sasuke," said Tsunade.
The three stared at her, before passing out.
Tsunade blinked. "Well, that could have gone better..." she mused.
"Are you awake yet? Naruto?" and the voice of Shizune brought Naruto back from his trip in the merry world of unconsciousness.
"Huh? Oh, I just had this weird dream where-" Naruto suddenly noticed the others in the room. "OH MY GOD, IT'S NOT A DREAM!"
"Don't say God," sighed Itachi. "That's too English. Say Kami, that's much more Japanese."
"What the hell are you-"
"Please refrain from saying that," Itachi sighed again, but this sigh sounded a bit more irritated. Wow, they got a reaction out of Uchiha Itachi- no, now clearly Uzumaki Itachi (or to some of you, Namikaze Itachi).
"Wait..." said Sasuke. "It's... true?"
"Yes," nodded Tsunade, waving the results at them.
"Well then," started Sasuke, and his eyes suddenly welled up with tears. "DAD!"
"SON!" shouted Naruto.
"DAD!"
"SON!"
Now, we could have done one of those slow-motion runs towards each other while playing the "Chariots of Fire" theme tune, but since Sasuke is tied up, we can't do that.
So Naruto just ran over to Sasuke and gave him a hug.
"What the hell are you two doing?" asked Itachi, on the verge of a sigh.
"All these years I thought my dad was dead," said Sasuke, who had suddenly regained sanity by the shock of Naruto hugging him, "And he's alive!"
"All these years I thought I was a virgin!" said Naruto. "And I slept with your mother twice!"
"In the future," added Itachi.
"No, in the past," corrected Naruto.
"But you're going to go back in the future, when you're older," hit back Itachi.
"But on the timeline, I've already done it!" grinned Naruto, before the expression on his face turned to one that seemed to be of realisation. "Hmm, that might explain why your mother was one of the people who were nice to me. I reminded her of, well, me! So, Sasuke, how was that jackass Fugaku like as a father?"
"He sucked," said Sasuke. "He always bitched about me being a decent ninja."
"There, there," and Naruto patted Sasuke's head. "I won't let you go back to him."
Sasuke looked at Naruto. "I can't go back, he's dead."
"Which reminds me," said Naruto, and he moved to Itachi, and slapped him across the face. "That's for killing your mother!"
Itachi sighed. "Well, I blame it on the father's sins."
"I was never around!"
"Exactly," said Itachi.
"Well Sasuke never went crazy and killed everyone!"
"He was eight, imbecile."
"Oh don't you speak to me like that, young man!" scolded Naruto. "You're grounded!"
Itachi raised an eyebrow. "I see you're mentally challenged as well. Besides you can't ground me. My organisation still needs to extract your demon, the Kyuubi."
Naruto sighed. "And I thought your mother would raise you better than this. Joining gangs...honestly, you'll go back to the leader of the gang and hand in your resignation. I mean, that leader is such a bad influence, what with those crazy contact lenses and piercings."
"You're insane," said Itachi. "He'll just show me exactly why he's called Pain/Pein."
"Now now, you shouldn't give people insulting nicknames," lectured Naruto. "Call him Nagato."
"What the..." Itachi just stopped and stared at Naruto, shocked that Naruto knew Pein's former name.
"Well, Naruto," said Tsunade. "Your sons are fully healed, and will await trial in a few days. I suppose you'll take them with you."
"Hmm..." said Naruto. "I don't think my apartment could fit them..."
"Uchiha Clan House?" asked Itachi.
"Place has been abandoned for more than two years," said Tsunade. "It's not habitable."
"I know!" said Naruto triumphantly. "We can live in...Shizune-neechan's house!"
All eyes were on Shizune, who blushed at the attention; after all, she's usually a background character.
"Naruto, you can't live with Shizune," said Tsunade.
"Well why not? If it has to do with me being an unmarried man who got a married woman pregnant twice-hmm, I see your point," said Naruto, scratching his chin.
"That's not it," said Tsunade, exasperated. "Shizune lives with me in the Hokage Residence."
The three Uzumaki's turned and looked at Tsunade and Shizune in a very suspicious manner.
"Two unmarried unrelated women living together in a mansion?" said Naruto. "That's like..."
"Strange? Unusual? Abnormal? Bizarre?" said Sasuke helpfully.
"I would say erotic," said Itachi.
"Erotic?" asked Naruto. "Why would it be erotic? Unless-" He broke off as his eyes widened and he walked to open the window, muttering how the room had gotten hotter.
"I don't get it," said Sasuke.
Tsunade and Shizune looked furious at the interpretations Naruto and Itachi had made.
"Well, Sasuke, you know, they're single women, always together throughout all these years," said Itachi. "And it makes one wonder, what have they done with their sexual desires."
"Wait, you mean...TSUNADE AND SHIZUNE ARE SLEEPING TOGETHER!" shouted Sasuke.
It was bad enough they were so loud, but remember Naruto had opened the window, so all of Konoha heard, most people outside in the streets, staring at the hospital. And when lesbians were mentioned, it was known that one man would appear.
And not even death would stop that man.
"It be I!" shouted Jiraiya, suddenly appearing in the window. "What's this about Tsunade and Shizune sleeping together?"
The hospital door opened and a woman walked in, holding a pair of large boxers on a hanger.
"Ah, Jiraiya-sama," said the woman. "The launderette apologise, but we...couldn't get all the stains out. And I don't mean the grass stains."
"Ah..." said Jiraiya.
"What the... Oh my God!" said Naruto, before puking out of the window. Tsunade and Shizune quickly placed buckets by the restrained Itachi and Sasuke before they joined Naruto at the window.
No, the vomit didn't land on anyone, but it did land in front of Team Gai.
"LEE! IT APPEARS SOMEONE WISHES TO POLLUTE OUR YOUTHFUL VILLAGE OF KONOHA BY VOMITING ON THE STREETS!" shouted Gai.
"GAI-SENSEI! WE MUST CLEAN IT!"
"WHAT A YOUTHFUL SUGGESTION!"
"GAI-SENSEI!"
"LEE!"
"GAI-SENSEI!"
"LEE!"
And the two hugged, before pulling out some cleaning equipment, and poor Neji and Tenten were forced to help the duo.
Jiraiya, disgraced, had left. There was also the fact that he was supposed to be dead that probably surprised people as well. Naruto and his sons also were leaving, and were now casually striding down the merry streets of Konoha.
Well, as merry as you can be when you hear things like people screaming at the sight of two missing nin, and Konoha's resident demon container.
"Sasuke-kun!" yelled Sakura. "You're back!" Ino was also there, looking shocked at Itachi, whom Sakura hadn't noticed.
"Please step away from my sons," said Naruto tiredly.
"Eh? What are you talking about, Naruto?" asked Sakura.
Naruto and Itachi immediately told Sakura and Ino, and what with those two being the town gossip, five minutes later, the entire town knew.
"Naruto!" shouted Kakashi, appearing behind him. "You slept with a married woman twice, got her pregnant, and was out of the children's lives for several years! You clearly must have read the works of art called Icha Icha!"
"Hail Naruto!" screamed ...eh, Genma. Yeah, I'll use him. "Hail Naruto, god amongst men!"
"Naruto," said Iruka. "As a teacher, I'm very disappointed with you sleeping with a married woman. As a man, and as your father figure, I say THAT'S AWESOME!" he yelled, making his own version of the "Nice Guy" pose.
Naruto nervously laughed it off, but most of the men wanted to shake hands with him.
That night
"Yeah, so the second I knew they were my kids, I didn't hesitate," said Naruto to a group of awestruck women, in a pub. "I knew I immediately had to be there for them. I will always protect my family."
"Aw!"
"What a family guy!"
"And damn hot too!"
"Make love to me Naruto-kun!"
Naruto grinned, before he took several groups of girls to the nearest hotel, leaving a shocked Itachi and Sasuke behind.
"Do you want to continue our fight? I need to scoop out your eyes," said Itachi, pulling a jar and some tongs out of his pocket.
"Dad!" wailed Sasuke, going teary-eyed. "Itachi's trying to scoop out my eyes!"
The next morning
Naruto was still at the hotel, giving proper "goodbyes" to the women. Surprisingly Shizune was the last one there, which confirmed it for Naruto that she was bisexual, she had been all too comfortable with the other women.
"Shizune, will you marry me?" said Naruto, inwardly giggling at the possibility of marrying Shizune when she was "comfortable with other women."
"...Naruto-kun...next time, try with a ring and not with a perverse smile, or I'll rip your balls off and stick them in your eye-sockets," smiled Shizune, before going.
"...What the fuck?" said Naruto.
Meanwhile...
"I hereby declare this meeting of the W-L-W (We Love Women) open!" yelled Jiraiya, slamming a hammer onto the desk. "Issue one. I am pleased to say that bathhouse peeking is legal!"
"HOORAY!" shouted the members of the club.
"-Provided you can turn invisible," continued Jiraiya.
The men went back to cursing.
"Issue two. As you have all heard, there is a great man in this village! A man that will sleep with married women! A man who will get that married women pregnant and stay out of the kid's lives for a long time! A man who, after finding his kids, uses them to make him seem like a family guy so he can get more sex! You know this man, NARUTO!"
A brass band started playing, as confetti flew into the air. People started cheering and clapping, and suddenly, a picture of Naruto's face was hoisted up for all to see.
"As this man is such an awesome guy, I am pleased to say, that I have finally found my successor! Since I'm supposed to be dead, something the author didn't take note off because he started writing this before I died, I will hand over the chairmanship of W-L-W to him!"
"What the hell are you talking about?!" were simultaneous cries.
Jiraiya sighed. "Basically, I'm resigning for Naruto."
The brass band started up again.
"Now, we must think of some dastardly scheme to get him to join us!"
Everyone started cheering, and Jiraiya inwardly chuckled manically.
'Ha ha ha! Once I take over Naruto's body, I'll be able to sleep with any woman I want! Even Tsunade...ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA!'
Told you it was shit. Short, shit, and just shit. Eh, well, still better then any mpreg story. Ergh.
Was it at least mildly entertaining?
Review if you are either:
Want another chapter
Hate this fic with every passion of your soul
Hate me
Love me
Want to see a sex scene
Have nothing better to do
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Never mind, LightningHunter off. I've got to finish re-writing Toad Hermit, which now features an epic rivalry between Gamasenshi and Akamaru, the Kung Fu Toad and the Honourable Dog.