A/N: This is something I put together out of sheer amusement and boredom. I have a warped sense of humor so you may or may not find it funny. If not, oh well. Also it is not my intention to offend anyone by making fun of idiotic plot devices that alot of people use, maybe...
Disclaimer: Why? If anyone has a problem then they can remove the large stick that's embedded up their ass...
Lightning raced across the sky highlighting the village of Konohagakure. If one was counting they would have reach a thousand and three before a clap of thunder was heard. Followed closely by a mist of rain that was starting to assault the village.
The sounds of drizzle pelting the shops and houses were soon overshadowed by the sounds of little feet running through the streets. A blur of wet golden hair was seen running from what it seemed like a child playing some sort of game. If you looked closely at the now visible face, you could see a look of pure fear written on his whiskered face. His bright blue eyes also had a look of fright that wasn't normally seen on a four year old.
As the little boy glanced over his shoulder the cause of his terror came into focus. It looked like a group of villagers out on some sort of hunt. If you looked closer this wasn't no ordinary group of villagers, this was a Mob. Yes, a Mob of around ten individuals consisting of six men and four women. It consisted of older citizens of Konoha that you wouldn't think would be chasing a small boy. Their anger and rage was clearly written on their faces. Shouts of, "Death to the demon, The little monster must be dealt with" were heard as they gave chase.
Why you ask, would someone want to cause harm to what seemed like a harmless four year old boy? To answer that question would very simple, they're fucking idiots.
Four years ago the most powerful out of all the other tailed beasts known as Kyūbi no Yōko, or Kyuubi for short. Went on a rampage throughout Fire Country. Now this being of pure living chakra was headed for Konoho and it wasn't looking for the popular tourist spots.
The shinobi's of Konoha did everything in their power to defeat the Kyuubi. Alas many succumbed to the power of the Kyuubi and realizing that he had no other choice. The Hokage at the time, one Namikaze Minato did what he had do to in order to protect the village and everyone inisde. He sealed the Kyuubi into his newborn son Naruto. His last request was that his son be seen as a hero, but grief can be a motherfucker and his request fell on deaf ears. Naruto's mother died during childbirth, so poor little Naruto was left to fend for his own. After Sarutobi who reclaimed the Hokage hat back, passed a law stating that on the pain of death nobody was to speak of the Kyuubi to anyone that wasn't aware of what happened. Also Naruto's true heritage was kept hidden from the populace and giving his mother's maiden name, Uzumaki. Sadly, Sarutobi could not find his testacles that day and Naruto was sent to an orphanage and treated worse then an unwanted red-headed step child.
Naruto was soon thrown out of the orphanage and runs daily from Mobs that want to purge Konoha of the demon scum.
The little boy looking for an escape or anyone that would give aid came to a halt. Ahead he noticed that yet another Mob had been formed that night. Glancing back he noticed the Mob behind him was getting closer. The only place left to run was to his left, but he didn't think he could run much further.
As both Mobs drew nearer to the Naruto, he collapsed on the hard concrete from sheer exhaustion and fear. Looking up he could see both triumph and delight at seeing him fall. Both parties were carrying pitchforks, various other sharp objects ranging from swords, knives, axes, halberds, maces, sabres, daggers, kunais, hammers, pikes, javelins, and that one tool used to pull babies out of their mother's hooha.
As both groups halted within striking distance of Naruto. One man in the Mob to Naruto's left stepped forward mumbling something about finally getting a chance to skin himself a demon. Drool was dripping from his warped smile and he raised his weapon planning to impale it into the hide of the Kyuubi as he called it.
All of a sudden there was a loud blast and a flash of bright light in the direction Naruto planned to run. As the smoke cleared a stranger whose features were still hazy stepped forward toward Naruto and both Mobs.
The man whose weapon was still raised, lowered it in fear of the oncoming stranger. As he stepped away, Naruto was about to ask why he smelt like shit n' sausage, but felt it wasn't the right time.
Another man within the Mob to Naruto's right, not wanting to let this opportunity to rid Konoha of the demon and proclaim himself "The Man" pass. Charged forward with his pitchfork in hand and was about to skewer the now curled up into a ball Naruto. A flash of white light passed over the man and when it faded it he was frozen in place with nothing on but his stained underwear.
Several people chuckled at his state of dress, and a stray comment of "Hung like a mouse" was overheard as well. Then they realized that the same thing could happen to them and stopped. Although a couple men stood straight with their chest out confident that the comment "Hung like a horse" would be aimed at them. While another slithered his way into the back to hide from view.
The man who was assaulted with the bright light looked on in embarrassment. While trying to cover himself with his hands yelled, "Don't judge me, it's cold out you bastards!"
The smoke faded away and in its place was a woman dressed in all white. She glided over to where Naruto laid. Having propped himself up on his elbow. He got a better look at the woman as she approached. She looked like an angel to him and even was outfitted with wings and carrying what looked like to be a wand of some sort.
As she stopped, she glanced over to the man that tried to assault Naruto and covered her mouth to hide her giggling.
Naruto having overcome his fear in the presence of the woman. Looked up at the man and started making squeaking noises. Then realized that he was only four and wasn't supposed to understand why the adults were laughing at the man and stopped.
The woman couldn't help, but laugh harder after hearing Naruto make the squeaking noises.
The man's face turned a beat red as he was trying to control his embarrassment and rage at the same time. "You shut your mouth you little monster. You wait until I get free and I'll send you demon scum ass to the pits of hell," raged the man.
The woman in white snapped her fingers and the man vanished leaving nothing bit his stained underwear. "Enough of that talk while in my presence you foolish man." stated the woman as she looked upon the rest of the gathered Mob.
"Now let's get down to the reason I'm here. My name is Cami and I'm the twin sister of Kami," proclaimed the woman as the Mob including Naruto stared open mouthed at her.
Bending down Cami pushed Naruto's mouth closed, "I've come in order to make sure one Uzumaki Naruto, is given a new chance at life."
"A new chance at life?" a confused Naruto asked.
"Yes, you'll be visited by three ghosts tonight. Er, wait wrong story. Let em start again. You'll be visited by several individuals who will offer some sort of aid and you must choose which one you think would best suit you."
Scratching his head Naruto looked up at her, "So I can choose whoever I want, wait what if I don't like any of them?"
"Then I'll let this Mob kill you." Which got a favored response from the Mob. As well as a couple of comments like "You rock Cami", or "Your sister ain't got shit on you" thrown in.
Naruto look mortified at her response and then remembered that he was only four and wasn't supposed to know the definition of mortify and just looked sacred.
Ruffling Naruto's hair she said, "Now, now no need to look like that. I have a feeling that things will work out for you in the end." Clapping her hands together, "Now let's get this fiasco, uh show on the road."
Suddenly there was another flash of light and out from the smoke came a man with about six scantily clad women. Naruto looked at the man as he approached and five words came to mind, 'What the fuck is that?' Then realizing once again that he was only four; just stared at the oncoming group.
As the group grew closer Naruto got a clear view of the man. He was wearing a red suit with what looked white frilly silk on the cuffs and around the collar. The red hat he was wearing had a long white feather attached to it. The last of his ensemble was a cane that had a glass ball on the top. He strutted is is all that Naruto could describe his walk over to him. Followed closely by the women whose clothes leaved little to the imagination. He looked to the Mob and seen several men trying to hide nose bleeds.
The man cleared his throat and introduced himself, "What's up little man? My name is Tricktickler Walker Love, and I'm here to offer you my powers."
Naruto stared at the man before asking him, "O...Ok, what powers can you give me?"
"I thought you never ask my little home slice. Now be ready to be amazed as I show you my powers." The man put his hands in his pockets and just nodded his head. Within second his accompanied women surrounded him and was his beck n' call.
Naruto once again just stared at the man wondering what the heck just happened. Not wanting to seem ungrateful spoke up, "Uhm, Tricktickler Walker Love-san. What did you just do?"
The man took his hands out of his pocket and snapped his fingers. The women stepped away and moved behind him. "That special power is called "Pimpin Aint Easy no Jutsu" and it's my speciality. No women can resist that jutsu and you'll have yourself a harem of bitches in no time."
"I didn't see you do any hand seals, you just had them in your pockets the whole time," asked Naruto.
"A real pimp can pimp with his hands in his pocket," was the response Naruto got.
Naruto did what he did best and just stared at the man before asking, "Is that all the powers you have? Do you have any powers for fighting?"
Tricktickler Walker Love-san cleared his throat, "I thought you'd never ask little man." Pointing to one of the men in the Mob on the right, "Come over here for a second will you chump?"
Irritated at being called a chump, the man scowled and walked over to him.
As the man neared him he shouted, "Slap a Hoe no jutsu!" The man from the Mob didn't know what him as he didn't even see Tricktickler Walker Love-san move. He was knocked into the air until he faded from sight.
Tricktickler Walker Love-san did a funky dance with his cane as his women clapped for him. "So whatcha think little man, you ready to receive my powers?"
"I'll have to pass on your offer. I'm only four so I have no idea why I would need all those girls and somehow I get the feeling that ten years from now I still won't have a clue. The slap was pretty good, but I want something better," answered Naruto.
"Psssh, I knew you was a little square dude. Come on bitches let's get out of here before his squareness infects us."
Tricktickler Walker Love-san took his hoes and walked off until he vanished in a bright light.
"Well that was interesting, I think," said Cami. "Are you ready for the next one?"
Naruto nodded his head as Cami clapped her hands together as another flash of light appeared. Once again those familiar words left the four year old's mouth as the next person stepped into view, "What the fuck is that?"
A/N: Well that it's for chapter one and don't hold your breath for a quick release of the second. Then again I might if the weather stays shitty and I'm stuck inside. Feel free to give me suggestions or flames it really doesn't matter to me. I mostly wrote this as a joke so if you take this serious you need help...