Fade to Black, Fenris/Merrick Hawke
Questioned Answers"Fade to Black" refers to those moments, days, weeks, years after a particularly intriguing cut-scene where things happen but you don't see them, only hear about them later. Anytime you see a "Fade to Black" title, expect a one-shot (usually) with passion, intrigue, angst or humor. It can be anything! This one deals with Merrick's very understandable frustration with Fenris about a year after he refuses to stay with Hawke after they first make love.
The house was typically dark as he returned from a rousing, and very profitable Diamondback game at the Hanged Man. There was nothing out of the ordinary but Fenris still felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. Despite the appearance of normalcy, something was wrong.
He withdrew his sword with a soft hiss as he pushed the door open with his foot and entered the foyer of his mansion. It was in the same decrepit condition it always had been in but he didn't care; he primarily lived in the study, anyway. Of all the rooms in the mansion, Fenris primarily used just three: the bathroom, kitchen and the study with its unkempt decor. Hawke kept threatening to clean it but hadn't as yet. Was that the reason Fenris felt a sense of danger? Was Hawke lying in wait with rags and polishes, eager to sweep the place clean of its dilapidated appearance? The thought made him smile fondly as they drifted to his one-time lover, a man he still cherished though he'd left him over a year ago.
With care, he clung to the shadows, inching along slowly, checking everything. The room was dark though his keen eyes could make out most objects. Warily, he narrowed his eyes as he tried to focus on a chair near the door. Had it moved?
And was stopped by Hawke's clear, low voice echoing in the darkness. "We need to talk."
Fenris saw him, a shadowy figure blending in with the dark plush chair he was seated in, his ankle perched on his knee and his fingers laced across his torso. Fenris felt the human's scowl before he saw it and he felt a sharp pang of guilt as he realized that Hawke was, in fact, here.
"Leave! You have no business here," snapped the elf as he sheathed his sword.
A globe of pale, blue light, a painful reminder of Merrick's arcane gifts, appeared in his hand, illuminating the room and driving away all but the deepest shadows. "And if I don't? Are you going to call for Aveline? She's the one who suggested I confront you. Fenris..."
Hawk rose, his soft, light boots making little sound as he crossed the distance between them, causing Fenris to turn away, his head bowed low. He tried to retreat into the next room but Merrick stopped him by taking his hand in the one not controlling the light. "We need to talk!" he repeated but louder than before. The elf pulled away and sat down in a nearby chair, his face buried in his hands.
"No. I can't deal with this right now," he whispered in a throaty, emotional voice.
"Sorry; it won't work this time. The time to discuss things was over a year ago and though I empathize, I'm tired of waiting for you to get your shit together. Fenris, your loyalty to our cause is admirable but you're avoiding me! You haven't so much as been by with a cake for tea and illegally imported fine wine. I'm insulted! Oh, fine, not insulted but I am… I'm hurt. We had something. Where did it go?" Merrick dropped to his knees and drew close, so close that he was able to embrace Fenris while he sat in the chair, shoulders shaking. "What are you running from this time?"
Fenris didn't think about what he was doing, knowing only that the man holding him was offering something he desperately needed: a second chance. He held Merrick in return, his face now pressed into the firm, strong shoulder. "I… Told you what happened. Why I couldn't stay."
The human pulled away to look at the elf, a red-gold eyebrow raised. "I'm lousy in bed? Oh, wait, you enjoyed the sex. Nevermind… Was it my cooking? The fine decor? I'm sorry; I'm very bad at this.
Fenris chuckled and shrugged. "I know your cooking is rather foul-"
"Hey!"
"-but the sex was…more than I ever dreamed it could be. Not because of what we did but because of what you awakened in me. Physical intimacy is something I have avoided in the past because my markings; they don't hurt, per say, not anymore. But they are sensitive. And they are a reminder that I am alone, unique, different… Not… Normal. I feel sometimes that you're too good for me."
"And an apostate mage who had the Viscount's ear and grudgingly refers to Knight Captain Cullen as a friend is normal? You have an odd sense of normal!"
"Merrick…"
"Hmm? Oh, right. 'Shut up, Merrick.'" Fenris rewarded him with a rare smile as he rose from the chair, pulling Hawke along with him as they climbed the stairs to the warmest room in Fenris' drafty home, the study, where a fire burned happily in its place.
The elf pushed Merrick into a chair and continued to talk, pacing as he tried to explain his feelings, struggling with the correct words and feeling like a failure when they eluded him. "I've been a slave my entire life save the time I've been with you. I never knew any different. But in your arms, in our moment of passion, I felt free, freer than I've felt in my craziest fantasies! It was like I was flying and suddenly had a… fear of heights. I was falling, falling and nothing could control the fear. My memories came back and… Then, they were gone.
"I won't deny that I've lain with many, many people. Men, women, elves and even the Fog Men themselves. Of all those bodies that touched mine, most of them at Denarius' behest, not a one made me feel like I feel when I am with you. None awoke my memories, though the act was, in essence, the same. I've never shared myself with anyone I care more about… Who cares about me in return. It was…" He sighed and sat down on the table, his feet planted on the bench in front of it. "I'm not making sense, am I?"
Merrick nodded and rose from his chair to sit at Fenris' side, his arm encircled around the elf's shoulders. "You're making better sense than you know. So, you have a fear of falling in love. It happens. You also fear my cooking but that's another matter and I really don't blame you at all. The thing that stands out most, however, is that you used the present tense conjugation of 'care.' Not 'cared!' So, what that tells me, scary cooking aside, is you still want me in your life and you're just afraid of screwing things up, which is normally what I do. I needed to hear that more than anything."
Fenris held Merrick against him, drawing strength from the man's embrace. Most mages were physically weak but Merrick Hawke had a body that was tight as a bowstring and hard as a board. He was masculine and powerful, no pathetic weakling to draw Fenris' scorn. "Of all the men I have bedded, not one allowed me to…be the dominant one. All save you. It was equal and you gave me choices, allowed me to do what I wanted. I'd never felt that before and it was nice."
Merrick laughed and pulled the elf backwards over his lap for a sloppy, wet kiss. "So nice, in fact, that you never came back for more!"
Fenris lept and pinned Merrick to the table with a sudden burst of agility and power that dazed the mage. Despite Merrick's slight height and weight advantage, Fenris was both stronger and more powerfully built than he was, a trait the man found rather thrilling, especially considering that Fenris was an elf. He'd always enjoyed the big, brawny types. The perfect, lyrium-etched body, pointed ears, low, seductive voice and striking white hair were bonuses to an already perfect package. Fenris grinned above him. "I wanted to! I…still...want to. But I can't move in... Not...yet. I need time to sort things out."
With a hint of whining in his voice, Merrick gave Fenris his best doe-eyed mage-look, copied from Merrill for this very occasion, "But do we have to be chaste while you do? I'm not bloody Sebastian, Fenris, a man whose hands must be rubbed raw from self-pleasure. I'm not convinced that brothers are completely without urges. Still, I prefer it with the man of my choice. Oh, and I'm also willing to beg, on my knees… Daily."
Laughter filled Fenris' heart, flooded away his fears and burst from his mouth in an unexpected, joyful torrent. "You don't give up, do you?"
"Giving up isn't nearly as profitable as bugging the shit out of people until I get my way. It's got to be related to being a first child," he said with a chuckle.
Pursing his lips, Fenris perched on his hands and hovered above Merrick as he straddled the mage's lap. There was no question what Hawke wanted and the elf's body responded in kind. "Hmm. Fine. We...do it this way: separate, for now, but physically intimate. I will ask, however, that you do something for me."
The mage drew himself up on his elbows and raised his eyebrows inquisitively. "Oh?" he asked.
"Isabella's been teaching me to read but mages are a far more cerebral lot, I have come to learn. I'm fond of torrid romances to a point but I want to learn from more educational sources. I want to learn the writings of Tevinter. Can you teach me?"
Hawke was taken aback as he nodded slowly. "I'm not fully versed in their language but the library in my house has a few dusty tomes sent to me by scholars and friends from all over Thedas. I think we can find a few books to inspire your curiosity. It'll be pleasurable… I'll teach you and you can… Well, you can do anything you like to me, unless it involves your hand and my heart in it. That would ruin my day."
A shy smile brightened Fenris' handsome face, lending it an otherworldly beauty in the dancing flames of the fire. " You have my gratitude, Merrick."
"Not to be nosy, but... Alright, I'm being nosy. But, why do you want to learn to read Tevinter writing? I thought with the deaths of your buddies that you were putting it all behind you?" Merrick asked.
Fenris leaned back to sit on Hawke's thighs, his hands on his knees as he considered his reply. "Hmm... Denarius and Hadrianna were not my only tormentors. I plan to return to Tevinter some day to finish what I started here. And... I want to search for my family, re-discover my roots and maybe... Free them. Merrick, I need to know if, when, the day comes that I can do this that you will support me by my side."
"And play 'Tevinter Magister' to your 'Secret Slave?' Didn't Isabela write a dirty novel with that subject?" Fenris grinned as Merrick took the elf's hand and kissed the marked palm, a momentary thrill of pleasure from the Lyrium etched into Fenris' flesh coursing through him. "I wouldn't miss it for the world. Now... Weren't we about to cease being chaste?"
Fenris smirked and leaned forward to kiss Hawke deeply. "I think it can be arranged. I- there's no bed or anything comfortable here to... To do it on. I usually sleep there, on that cot. We could go to your place..."
Hawke caught Fenris in a passionate embrace, kissed him and pulled the elf into his arms. " The cot is perfect," Merrick murmured against Fenris' full mouth. "Where is not as important as the fact that I'm with you, in your arms and wanted by you."
The cot made for an awkward, if gratifying, romantic experience. They utilized their creativity and tapped one another's imaginations in search of the most enticing positions. Most of them exceeded their expectations while others left them gasping with laughter. At one point, the cot was utterly destroyed, leaving elf and human sprawled across the floor in a naked, sweaty heap. They laughed, kissed and laughed some more.
Eventually, Fenris, his Lyrium skin etchings glowing slightly as they often did while making love to Merrick, rose from the mess of scrounged blankets and pillows that formed their makeshift nest near the fire and fetched the lute he'd taught himself to play. "I confess I'm not very good at it but I found that I do have an ear for music. May I show you?"
Basking in the glow of the fire and his profound state of pleasure, Merrick grinned like a happy drunk man. "Please! Do! I've learned that you tend to put yourself down more than you lift yourself up. Stop it."
After a few tentative chords, Fenris' deliciously nimble fingers danced across the strings, enticing a delicate, haunting melody unlike anything Merrick had ever heard. He closed his eyes and all but saw the waves of a windswept sea, a primeval forest and a flower-filled meadow spring up around him at the same time. He felt transported and enchanted by the melody and when it came to its undesired conclusion, Merrick reluctantly opened his eyes and stared at Fenris.
The elf blinked at him, waiting for something, anything from his lover. This was the first time he'd ever played for anyone so he was shyly hoping for some sign that Merrick approved. He wasn't expecting the wide-eyed stare, however. "Merrick?"
"Hmm? Wha- Oh! Fenris! Maker's breath, Fenris! That was... I'm trying to form words, give me moment... Aw, fuck it. You gave my heart wings, Fenris. It was dancing in clouds and drifting on the winds. I'm not shitting you! That was unquestionably the most beautiful melody I've ever heard. You need to play for the Hanged Man or the Rose! Shades, Fenris, you could make a fortune!"
Fenris blinked. "No, I am not playing for the Hanged Man or the brothel! No!"
"Afraid of what your card-playing mates will think, hmm? You are very, very good. Look, I have a friend here in Hightown who can teach you to read sheet music. I think you would be a quick study and I think you'll enjoy seeing what you can with compositions. It's a shame mother was killed... You know that she would have enjoyed your music most of all."
"I will... Consider it, Merrick. I will consider it. Thank you for listening." Fenris cleared his throat and set aside the lute. "Are you ready for another bottle of Starkhaven's finest red? And maybe... More pleasure?"
Merrick rose from the blankets and took Fenris into his arms for a teasing kiss. He reveled in the way Fenris' long, chiseled body and taut muscles fit against him like a perfectly matched puzzle piece. He now wished he'd confronted the elf sooner. "Maybe... Maybe is such an uncertain word. Fenris, any time you want me, for any reason, any time, I'm yours. You need only to ask or tell me. Especially for pleasure. But please don't ask me to cook; it's why I have money."
The night wound on until morning and morning became afternoon until night once again graced the city streets. Merrick did not leave until the following evening when Fenris grinned and said, "Diamondback, Hawk. You may want to get dressed before Varric catches you in your bare skin and writes a sordid tale of depravity about us."
"As if Varric needs an incentive to do that. Oh, fine. I do need actual sleep tonight, anyway," the mage said with a chuckle as he dressed.
It was a reunion of bodies, hearts and minds, which timing could not have been better. Merrick had gone to Fenris for answers but in the end, he received so much more.
Fin