Muggle Studies and Surprising Revelations
By EnchantedUnicorn
Snape teaches Muggle Studies to the Gryffindors and Slytherins. What was meant to turn out funny didn't turn out to be quite so...and led to some surprising revelations and some Harry/Snape bonding. Warning: Some swearing and mentions of abuse! One-shot!
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
"I will be Professor Burbage's substitute today," Snape hissed. "I require the utmost respect from all of you." He glowered to prove his point.
As if you don't already, Harry scoffed.
"Now, today we are going to be learning about Muggles," Snape smiled. He had an interesting lesson in mind…and wanted to see if it would be successful. Maybe this would lighten up his horrible reputation a bit.
"Isn't that what we learn about every class? Merlin," Malfoy grumbled, a bit too loudly. This was Muggle Studies class, for Merlin's sake.
"Excellent, Draco!" Snape forced out, trying to get used to the enthusiasm. "Did everyone here what he said? He said Merlin!"
The Slytherins stared with shock. What was so special about the word Merlin?
The Gryffindors stared with consternation – what was wrong with Snape, trying to be happy?
Malfoy cleared his throat, as if to tell Snape, "You need to act better! You are not even fooling the Gryffindorks!"
Snape flushed – this was so embarrassing. "As I was saying, Draco chose Merlin! as his swear term. Muggles, like wizards, swear too." Snape paused and took a deep breath. Jumping back and plastering a face full of fear, he cried, "Harry! There's a poisonous cobra on your desk!"
Harry smirked. Did the professor really think he could fool him? "No there isn – AH! WHAT THE HECK?!" Harry screamed at the snake, which looked like it was preparing to strike at his hand. Harry's gaze fell onto Hermione, and he screamed again. "'Mione! There a SCORPIAN on your desk!"
Hermione cried out in fright as she backed away. "JESUS CHRIST!" she exclaimed in a very girly voice, her eyes wildly darting around, before landing on Ron. "Ron! RON! A SPIDER!"
Ron did not even look down before he pushed himself away. "Oh Merlin!" he nearly sobbed in fear. He had arachnophobia, and now everyone knew.
It was then the Slytherins and a few Gryffindors started laughing. It was then when the three victims regained their senses.
"Oh Merlin," Ron repeated softly.
"It was just an illusion," Hermione whispered in realization.
"Aw, Measly Weasley afraid of spiders?" Malfoy sneered. Around him, his goons laughed.
"Ahm. 10 points from Slytherin for speaking out of turn, Draco." Malfoy spluttered. "And 10 points to each of you three for an excellent demonstration." With that, Snape pulled out his wand and waved it. "AH! WHAT THE HECK?!" "JESUS CHRIST!" "Oh Merlin!"
The Golden Trio flushed with shame, but Snape paid no heed. "As you can see, these are how each of the trio swears. The first two, said by Harry and Hermione, are rather Muggle terms. What the heck is a bad swear term that a few wizards use. However, those wizards learned it from Muggleborns, as the term what the heck originally derived from the Muggle world."
"What the heck? Everyone in Slytherin says that what the heck," Malfoy spat, before going red at realizing how stupid he sounded.
"What the heck is a Muggle term, Draco," Snape explained patiently. "And from what you told me, I'm guessing that Slytherin has been rather influenced by Muggleborns, right? Anyway, to Jesus Christ. That term isn't really disgusting but it is offensive, particularly to Christians and Catholics. Oh Merlin is a wizarding swear term, as everyone knows."
Harry coughed to hide his laugh. Sure, what he said was a swear term, and maybe what Hermione said too, but "Oh Merlin!" That was not swearing. Everyone said that.
"Now, let us compare the consequences of swearing. In the Muggle world, if one swears they would get reprimanded or their mouth would be washed out with soap," Snape lectured.
That never happened to Dudley, Harry sighed. It sure would do him a lot of good.
"In the wizarding world, if one swears they would get yelled at–" Ron nodded in agreement, "–receive a mouth-washing spell–" Neville nodded, "–or be tortured with many painful curses." Draco nodded in agreement.
Harry frowned. "If," he started impetuously, "if someone say 'Oh Merlin!' then they would receive a mouth-washing spell or get tortured?" he finished with disbelief.
Snape shook his head. "Oh Merlin isn't bad enough for any serious discipline, but if it is followed up with any curse words, then this would happen. HARRY JAMES POTTER, YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH!" Snape shrieked.
Harry winced. This was a weird lesson. "Yes sir," he replied quickly.
"Speaking of children, let us talk about school," Snape announced. "Many of our subjects are alike. Potions is like chemistry, Herbology is like science, Charms is like Language Arts, History of Magic is like history, Arithmancy is like math, Ancient Runes is like Latin, and Quidditch is like physical education. Transfiguration is not similar to anything, I'd say."
Herbology like science? Harry frowned. That was not true, especially when they were learning about electricity. Charms was like Language Arts? Perhaps, since Charms was basically magic's "language".
"How about DADA?" Malfoy inquired pompously.
"There is no subject like Defense against the Dark Arts, Draco," Snape replied smoothly. "They do not teach children how to protect themselves."
"I beg to differ," Hermione spoke, her eyes showing a little bit of the fury she felt. "Muggles have fire drills. If there is a fire in school, everyone knows what to do. We have code-red drills. If there is a murderer on campus, all children know exactly what to do."
"But if there is a wizard on campus would they know what to do?" Malfoy pressed.
Hermione remained silent. Malfoy scoffed. "Figures, Muggles are stupid."
Snape grabbed the insolent boy by the shoulders. "No, Malfoy, Muggles are not stupid. You are stupid to think that. In the Muggle world, stupid people earn a session with the dunce cap. Now come up here."
Malfoy stood up arrogantly, and despite the shame he felt, he strutted up to the front of the room.
Snape conjured a pointy hat with the word DUNCE on it and put it on the boy's head. "This is a Muggle dunce cap, meant for students who are behind in their studies. In this case, Muggle studies." Snape led Malfoy to the corner of the room and seated him there. "You will remain there for the rest of the period. 10 points from Slytherin for speaking out of turn again. 5 points returned to you for being our demonstration."
Harry and Ron snickered behind their hands. "Now let us talk about other forms of discipline," Snape announced. Harry and Ron instantly stopped and exclaimed, "NO!" along with a third person. That third person was Malfoy. They glared at each other.
That certainly is an embarrassing topic, Hermione thought. "I'd rather talk about slavery," she muttered to herself.
"That is a very, very, supercalifragilisticexpialidociously excellent suggestion, Hermione!" Snape exclaimed. "Slavery is one of the most obvious ways Muggles and wizards are alike. We wizards enslave house elves and make them do a lot of work. House elves are usually treated very badly and beaten. Muggles also have slaves, only they enslave human beings, Homo sapiens, and they are made to do a lot of work. If they don't then they get whipped," Snape stated as if it was as simple as that.
Hermione's hand shot up into the air. "Can I say something?" she inquired urgently.
"You already did," Snape replied, "But yes, you may say another thing."
Hermione took a deep breath and delved into a lecture on history. "Portugal had started European slave trading in 1441. They raided places in Africa and seized captives to sell. In the Arab world, Muslims were not allowed to enslave other Muslims but could enslave non-Muslims, so Arab Muslims also began exploring Africa. Slaves in Africa could bale themselves out through years of hard work, marrying a free person, or paying a fee," she finished off with an air of finality.
"Very good, Hermione," Snape nodded. "A point to Gryffindor for every sentence you said. Notice how she said 'could bale themselves out through years of hard work, marrying a free person, or paying a fee'. This implies that Muggle slaves actually want to be free. On the other hand, house elves, unless they are abused–" at that Snape looks pointedly at Malfoy, who was still in the corner, "–would prefer to serve."
"Unfortunately, or should I say fortunately, no one here has been a slave or is a slave, so no demonstration to install this lesson into your mind. Oh well!" Snape shrugged, sounding very optimistic. "Now–"
Harry stood, almost as if something was compelling him to do so. "That's where you're wrong," he stated bravely, and without thinking too. "I can give you a demonstration!"
"Alright then, come on up!"
Harry confidently strode up to the front of the room. "Alright!" Harry's voice rang out clear in the room. "I hope this isn't too confusing, guys. So a high-pitched voice is my aunt, loud, low voices are my uncle, and my voice and the narrative voice is… just like this."
"Alright guys! I live in a cup– the smallest bedroom in the house," Harry hastily corrected himself. He did not "live" in a cupboard anymore. Not that much, anyway. "Which will be here." He pointed to the space under Snape's desk and crawled under there. A second later, he pretended to sleep and snore softly.
"Okay, now pretend I'm still sleeping there," Harry said as he got up away from the desk, before raising his voice into a very shrill one and banging his hand on the table. "Boy, get up now and make breakfast now!" the pretend Aunt Petunia shrieked.
"And then," Harry crawled back under the table, "Yes Aunt Petunia," he replied meekly. "Then I get up, get ready," Harry pretended to change and brush his hair, "and then go downstairs." Harry faked going down the stairs.
"Now I'm in the kitchen!" Harry introduced. "Now I cook, and you see over there?" Harry pointed to the nearest desk, which happened to be Crabbe's. "Three people are waiting for me at the dining table – my uncle, aunt, and cousin."
"No, I don't see, Potter," Crabbe responded dumbly.
Harry glared. "Anyway! Uncle Vernon's like, 'BOY! HURRY UP!' and I'm like 'Yes Uncle Vernon.'" Harry bellowed out his uncle's part very loudly, and his part very quietly.
Harry continued his cooking act, before balancing imaginary plates on his hands and bringing them over to Crabbe's desk. "Then Uncle Vernon looks at me and say in his voice, 'BOY! You have to wash the dishes, make lunch, weed the garden, trim the grass, dust the front porch, clean the windows, mop the entire house, and make dinner tonight. IS THAT CLEAR?' and then I'm like, "Yes sir."
"How about your breakfast Harry?" Snape suddenly cut through.
"I'm a slave remember?" Harry replied candidly, not thinking Snape would take him seriously. Snape, after all, despised him.
Snape frowned, before barking, "Continue."
"Well, I'm getting kinda tired of this acting thing, so I'll mostly just tell you what happens," Harry admitted. "So I go and weed the garden–" Harry perfectly demonstrated how to weed, "–trim the grass–" Harry pushed a make-believe lawn mower, "–and then dust the porch, clean the windows, and mop the house. But then Dudley comes and ruins everything so I have to do it again, and then he ruins it again, but I have to make lunch, so then after that I fix the mess my cousin makes, but then he ruins it again, so I fix it, and then he ruins it, so I have to–"
"That is quite enough, Mister Potter," Snape interrupted, before changing his tone. "Harry, you may go back to your seat."
Harry skipped back to his seat, smiling at all the staring faces. No applause – oh well, that was nothing to worry about. "It's quite interesting to act it all out, actually," he said, completely carefree, knowing that most people in the room either would think he was lying about being a slave, or was his friend. So he was safe with his little secret.
Snape cleared his throat. "That's enough for today, everyone! Write a one-foot essay on how Muggles and wizards are alike and why from what we learned today, then include some of your own examples. Class dismissed. Mister Potter, a word."
The room erupted with noise, but to Snape's satisfaction, it did not seem like they disliked the lesson. Snape smiled grimly. He had succeeded in not being too bad. He just required a little change of character.
"Finally," Malfoy spat, taking the horrid cap off his head and throwing it on the ground. At the look Snape was giving him, he quickly picked it up and set it gently on the stool. "There. Sorry, sir," he muttered.
"Muggle children would get punished for that," was all Snape said, before shooing his godson away.
Harry gulped nervously as he waited for Snape to turn his attention on him. It was a good lesson – maybe one of the best Muggle Studies lesson he ever had– but then he screwed it all up for himself. So…Gryffindor of him. Didn't Snape hate him? Didn't Snape think that he was an arrogant, attention-seeking brat? For once, Harry hoped that Snape actually believed that. If Snape believed that Harry was really a slave at the Dursleys…oh he would be in for it once he got back in the summer.
But that was totally unlike Snape. So, Harry deduced, Snape must have told me to stay because he wanted to talk to me about my horrible, attention-seeking behavior! Yes! That must be it! Harry was so happy about that thought that he smiled.
"What are you smiling about, you infernal brat?" Snape growled once he turned to the boy.
Those last words made Harry's smile even wider. He called me a brat! Even better, an infernal brat! Yes! He doesn't believe my 'act'! Harry thought joyfully. But then he remembered that the professor had just asked him a question, and dully answered, "Nothing, sir."
Something was up with Potter. He looked really happy for some reason. But anyway, to the point. "Is that how the Dursleys really treat you, Mister Potter?"
Harry froze, the smile dying from his lips. Snape didn't know whether the act was real or not! He had to convince the man that it was, in fact, made-up. "Of course not, sir!" Harry gasped, trying to look horrified at that thought. "They love me as much as they love Dudley!" After that one last exclamation, Harry felt a pang in his chest. Oh, he wished for them to love him, but he learned from a very young age that that would never happen.
If it weren't for the fact that he was a spy and he had his own experiences with lying, Snape would have immediately believed him. But of course, he didn't. "Try again, Mister Potter."
"Why do you care anyway?" Harry snapped. "It's not like you understand what it feels like."
Snape inwardly winced at that comment, before drawing himself up to his full height. "That's where you are wrong," Snape said, mimicking Harry's earlier words. "My father," he sneered the word, "wasn't the nicest man on the planet. But fortunately, your mother was my best friend so she helped me endure it," Snape said, the words pouring freely out of his mouth before he could stop them. He would have said more, too, if he hadn't any dignity and shut his mouth.
Harry startled at that. Snape was abused! But then the next sentence hit him too. Snape was friends – best friends with his mother! No one had ever told him about his mother, apart from how she looked like and how she was brilliant at Charms. "H-How about this sir?" Harry started. "I get to ask a question to you that you have to answer truthfully, and vice versa."
Snape smirked. Perfect plan. His mind was already conjuring questions as he said, "Good idea, Potter. You first then." As an afterthought, he added, "Everything stated from now on will remain strictly confidential unless hazardous to one's health. Understood?"
"Yes sir!" Harry grinned. That was even better, as long as he made the Dursleys sound okay without downright lying. But then the prospect of having to answer whatever Snape asked him made his smile disappear again. "How did you and Mum become friends?" he inquired.
Snape grimaced. He should have seen this coming, but the pain that Lily left him was still strong after so many years. "We lived nearby each other. I suppose when we really became friends was when I saw her jump off a swing…and float slowly to the ground. I told her what that was."
"Accidental magic."
"Yes. Now, you mentioned something about sleeping in a "cup– smallest bedroom". Care to elaborate?"
"Is that your question?" Harry asked. "Cause if it is, then the answer is yes."
Snape rolled his eyes. "Well it doesn't really matter since you just asked a question also. But yes, it was my question. Now it's my turn. What bedroom, or rooms if applicable, did you sleep in at the Dursleys?"
Sneaky Slytherins. Well, at least a cupboard wasn't really a bedroom, so he could answer, "The smallest bedroom."
Snape ground his teeth. Something about "cup" was familiar. He just needed to find out why. Maybe Potter didn't sleep in a bedroom for his whole short life? Maybe the living room…or the family room…or the kitchen. Snape repeated his question. "What rooms did you sleep in at the Dursleys? Note I said rooms."
Crap. There was no way out of this one. "Fine. Until I turned eleven, I slept in the cupboard under the stairs," he confessed. "But then they moved me to Dudley's second bedroom, so it's okay now, sir."
Snape's reaction was completely unexpected. "What?" he hissed in a deadly voice. "And how big was this cupboard?"
"It's my turn, professor," Harry reminded. "Why did Mum marry my dad and not you?"
Shoot. Snape fumbled around with his words for a minute before saying, "I was tainted by my surroundings, the other Death-Eaters-in-training, and in my fifth year out of fury I called her a Mudblood." He heard Harry suck in a sharp breath, but paid no attention. "How did the Dursleys punish you?"
"They either locked me a cupboard or slapped me around," Harry admitted quietly. "Why did you call Mum a-a…that word?"
Snape's lips thinned as he thought back to his unpleasant childhood. His torturous childhood, which there was not one day where he received any mercy. "Your father," Snape spat, "wasn't as saintly as you would think he would be. He and his friends, three of them, ganged up on me, four to one. They bullied me and exposed me in such a degrading way that when your mother came to defend me, I was so humiliated that I snapped at her."
Harry gaped. Snape was bullied? Merlin, he hated bullies, from personal experience. Dudley's goons always ganged up on him, four or five to one. It was torture… To think that Snape had gone through the same thing was horrifying. And what was even worse was that his own father James Potter was behind all of it. Harry, with shame, realized that there was more than meets the eye for this one cold professor.
"I'm sorry," Harry whispered, his voice trembling. Snape just stared in shock. "I'm sorry for what my father did to you. It was wrong of his to do that, and I can see why you don't like him or me. If my father is really that immature, then I wouldn't like him either. He reminds me of Dudley. They're both bullies."
Snape looked at the boy with some admiration. "Rather moving speech, Mister Potter. I accept your apology…and I would like to make my own. It was wrong for me to judge you just by your father. I should have realized that you are more like Lily." There, he had done it. That wasn't so hard, was it?
Harry's eyes shone with glistening tears. "Thank you sir. I accept your apology too."
"Now, I believe it is my turn. Say, if you did accidental magic, what would your uncle do to you?" Snape questioned. If he did accidental magic when he was a kid and Tobias found out…he would be beaten to an inch of his life. Snape sincerely hoped that that wasn't the case for Lily's child.
It took every ounce of Harry's self-control not to flinch at that. He shrugged, trying to make the action look as casual as possible. "He just slaps me a couple of times, sir."
Snape's lips thinned as he recalled the lies he made when he was young, too. "Please. I know when you lie, Mister Potter."
"Fine! He spanks me when I'm naughty!" Harry then blushed, but that statement was worth it if he wanted to live until he was 17.
Snape inwardly sighed. "Oh, I see! He spanks you on your back and behind with a belt and leaves welts that last for weeks or scar."
If possible, Harry's became even more embarrassed. Snape knew. He should have known, after all, Snape was experienced in this matter. And the way he put it, it did sound pretty bad. "Yes sir," he agreed in defeat.
Snape abruptly stood. "I'll be right back," he said before turning on his heel and walking swiftly into another room. A minute later, he came back with a large jar in his hand. "This is a jar of Scar-away salve. Apply it to your back every night," Snape instructed. "This should last you for a couple of months. I'm assuming you do have that many scars, correct?"
Harry was tempted to say no, but he did not want to be scarred for life, so he replied truthfully, "Yes sir," and took the jar into his hands when Snape handed it over.
"I will be seeing with the Headmaster that you will not return to those relatives of yours."
"But–"
"This is hazardous to your health, Mister Potter. Surely you aren't that daft to think that it isn't?" Snape interjected, his voice sharp.
"Of course not sir!" Harry exclaimed hotly. "But I just wanted to let you know that Dumbledore won't listen. I already talked about it to him and he was like 'It's for your safety, Harry. The blood wards offer the greatest protection and for them to be active you must live with a blood relative,'", Harry imitated mockingly, his voice as hoarse and old as he could make it.
Not very good acting skills, Harry, Snape thought with amusement. "Nevertheless, I will try."
"Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you, sir!" Harry huffed.
"Very well. You may go now, Mister Potter," Snape dismissed. As Harry was walking towards the door and about to go out, he called out, "Remember this, Harry. If you ever need me, come and knock on this door and I promise I will not turn you out."
Harry froze with astonishment, before a small smile flitted on his face. "Yes sir," he nodded. "Thank you sir," and then he left.
A/N: I was bored, hit writer's block on my other stories, and decided to write this. Sorry about the rather sudden change of Snape's character, if you didn't appreciate it. Hope you enjoyed!