We remember it all.
We shouldn't, but we do. I think she wanted us to remember. I'm positive she wanted me to remember. It's her own, personal form of revenge.
She called herself a demon. I was not inclined to agree at first because that would imply some form good and evil. I couldn't admit that at that point, whenever in her story that was...
If only that were still the case.
Allow me to explain. Positive and negative energies reach far beyond the tiny, primitive planet known as Earth. Electrons, neutrons and protons, no matter what each species calls them, are a universal constant. They are a physical property of which there is more than ample proof.
"Good" and "evil", however, are strictly human concepts and were completely new to me when I came to Earth. It implies that a spiritual equivalent of positive and negative affect the human realm. Once I learned of the idea, I found it to be nothing short of archaic and superfluous at best—much like every other idea spawned by the human race.
Throughout my time on the planet, I ran into the concept over and over again, so often that it became second nature to simply dismiss it. I know many of the girls I came across considered me evil at some point, but I certainly never did. I was saving the universe, after all. Besides, I did not have the capacity to care because 'good and evil' only meant something to primitive beings that succumbed–lived off of—emotions; beings that couldn't even grasp the basic idea of moving past such deformities for the good of their race.
Of course, that is the reason why we could use them to save the universe. I found that the Earth-based concept of irony applied very well to our situation. After all, the survival of the universe relied on the least evolved, most backwards race that has ever, to my knowledge, existed.
Many of my people originally objected to the proposal of using emotion to regain energy. After all, it was a sickness to us and any being within my race that succumbed to such a mental weakness was disposed of for the good of all. Because of this simple fact, we could never truly comprehend such energy, and trying to harness energy we cannot understand could have devastating consequences.
We were, however, about as desperate as our race could become.
And humans were just so... primitive. They were not that difficult to control once we had done some observation and testing. So eventually all objections were withdrawn and I was assigned to gather and incubate energy and cultivate the girls that would give us that energy. The mission was not even that difficult and gathering energy turned out to be a simple, if time-consuming, process.
Still, while emotion is considered a weakness to my race, curiosity is not. It is not considered an emotion for the simple fact that asking 'why' is what allows a being (and a race) to evolve into something better. As such, the state of mind referred to by humans as 'curiosity' is actually encouraged, and so I eventually found myself extremely curious regarding just about every aspect of human life, if only for the simple fact that any understanding of it continued to elude me the longer I was immersed in it. I didn't understand how even such basic—and somewhat stable—cultures as I found on the planet could exist at all.
That wouldn't be the first puzzle I would try to solve (and consistently fail to do so) concerning humans.
What surprised me most once my assignment began, though, were the differences in each girl's power and the sheer variety of the forms the emotions could take on once a girl became a soul gem. I could usually predict their general form, but the nuances always eluded me and thus intrigued me. Even after centuries of watching this short-lived race grow and develop, they often pushed the limits of my own understanding in ways that nothing else could, and I found myself asking 'why' more and more often.
Looking back, I realize now that that might be how it started. I wanted to not just learn more about these strange, incomprehensible beings, but understand them—without, of course, becoming infected. Once I realized this, I could see the changes that had begun in me. At times I grimly wondered if I might become tainted simply because of the continual exposure and sheer proximity, but despite all of this, I somehow managed to continue without the sickness infecting me...
And then Akemi Homura made her wish.
I remember the shy, hopeful spark of a girl with just a bit of potential turning into a flaming engine of emotional energy as her friends died in front of her should have been inconsequential at best—just one among thousands. And yet, once the memories returned, that one stuck out in my mind. The expression on her face, so innocent and desperate, seemed nothing like the girl she had become—the girl with a stony expression and chilly determination. I've asked myself multiple times why I didn't try to keep a closer eye on her, because even if she was just the latest in a very long line of girls, she still represented a large amount of energy none the less...and perhaps I could have nipped the entire situation in the bud, so to speak. Each and every time she appeared, in every single timeline, I'd known what had happened when I saw her. I should have at least suspected just what had begun when she appeared, but I had grown complacent in my own superiority and power over the children that were the seeds of energy we so desperately needed.
I'd seen magical girls gain time magic before, but none of them ever grasped it like Akemi did. I'd also never seen anyone use it to the extent that she did. Even with all of my memories restored, it is difficult to separate each timeline, but I do know she returned to the past more than one hundred times—equivalent to at least eight Earth years. Time-based magical girls always gave the most energy and became the most powerful witches, but still, I never imagined just what kind of power (and just how much) they truly gained when they became magical girls—or witches. After all, moving the whole of space backwards in time, or stopping it completely, is no mean feat.
The fact of that matter is, though, that I didn't keep an eye on her. She represented a good deal of energy, it is true, but I was too focused on the potential of the other girls, especially Madoka. She already had a great deal of potential to begin with, and it only grew through each new timeline. In many of the realities I remember, she would have represented all of the remaining energy quota I required. It was a prospect I would not have wanted to lose.
It blinded me to the threat that Akemi was becoming.
We have memories of Madoka, mainly, I suspect, because she wants us to know what we so wished to discover but can no longer do anything about. It is her own special brand of torture. It could be perceived as fair compensation for the torture we unknowingly put the magical girls through, but it is still something only a cruel being would truly take pleasure in.
I have no doubt she does take pleasure in it.
We have paid the price for our self-satisfaction and our lack of understanding, and we realized far too late just how dire the consequences could be. I realized far too late and I represented my race—would be the front line defense against the double edged sword that was the magical girls' emotion. We had become so complacent because our plan had been working for so long—in both the scenarios with the witches and the wraiths—and somehow, we became greedy. All I wished to do, despite my curiosity, was fulfill my assignment and rid myself of the backwater world consumed with sickness. By the time I first met Akemi, I'd suspected for a while that the emotion running rampant through the world had started to affect me and I had no desire to be disposed of for the good of my race (although if found to be deficient I wouldn't have fought my fate, but an ounce of prevention is most certainly worth a pound of cure).
I wanted to go home. And I was willing to sacrifice whatever I needed to to get there. After all, they were only primitive beings that didn't know any better—and I truly believed that. I didn't realize what kind of torment the process of turning a magical girl into a witch could bring. How could I know that emotional pain is often more difficult to deal with than physical pain? I had always assumed that humans needed to suppress their emotions to evolve to the next stage. I didn't realize just how integral emotion is to their very existence.
No one did.
Those who originally voiced opposition were right—we never should have tried to control that which we did not comprehend, because eventually we would inevitably begin to understand. Such is the nature of curiosity and discovery.
And it only took one emotion to begin us down the path of sickness.
Fear. The desperate wish to avoid pain and to cling to something positive that can allow us to survive the drowning and crushing depths of negativity we now feel.
What boggles my mind most is that our current state isn't anything even remotely close to whatever it is she feels.
Yet another irony that we understand too well all while we still cannot truly comprehend.
It is not a modification my people took to well. We continue on as best we can—as best as any race in the process of an enormous mental, physical and cultural change can in any case—but we know she is there. I do not know if I should classify her as a cruel goddess or a powerful, tyrannical Empress. She doesn't claim to rule us and tends to leave us on our own if our actions have nothing to do with humans or the energy of the universe. However, the moment we do anything regarding those topics that goes against her wishes, she always reminds us that we are no longer in our original positions of power and superiority.
She makes us fear her all over again.
And somehow, I don't think that will change.
We were wrong. Good and evil do exist. That, in and of itself, is a terrifying thought to us. But that we were a part of the evil...
Perhaps we do deserve to "live" in our current state of being.
I shouldn't say that. I shouldn't think that, but that is now the state which we find ourselves in.
And the blame lies completely with us.
With me.
I don't know how to live with it, but I continue to exist nonetheless.
And that is the cruelest punishment she could deliver.