My life. My future.

So I grew up in Abnegation. So I'm encouraged to join Dauntless and be brave, when all I want is to hide. And so I'm smart I would be top of the class if I wasn't stuck being a stiff.

But all I want is to join Amity.

They're so relaxed. So cheerful. You can do anything there as long as you don't argue. They laugh and mess about and have a good time. Is it so wrong to want that in my life?

My brother, he was obviously going to Dauntless. He's totally fearless. We saw him a couple of times since, but he's so different. By Visiting Day, he was rank 4 for initiation and completely adapted to the Dauntless lifestyle.

My parents never had any problems choosing to be selfless.

My aptitude tests defined me as definitely suiting Erudite. 100% conclusive results. Straight up, clear, logical Erudite.

But my heart pulls me to the least logical area of all. Is it so wrong to want happiness? Does it make me a bad person? Should I be selfless, and please my parents? Should I be brave, and go in search of my brother? Should I be logical, and trust my aptitude tests? Should I choose to be happy and peaceful and carefree and wear bright clothes and make new friends?

All these thoughts whirl round my head like a hurricane, and my hands tremble as I raise the knife. I hold it by my palm for a moment, observing the water, the stones, the coals...and the earth.

All I want is to join Amity.

I want it more than anything.

But can I do this?

Venture somewhere I'm not necessarily suited to?

End up...factionless?

I want to be Amity.

Is want enough?

Earth. Coals. Water. Stone.

Want. New. Logic. Selfless.

Everyone's eyes are on me. I feel their gazes. Have I been stood here a second or a century? It feels like both, and neither at the same time.

Feeling self conscious, I press the knife tip into my finger and watch blood seep out. Earth. Colds. Water. Stones. My hand thrusts out.

Blood spreads through the water.

Dreams can be too far fetched. Who knows what would have happened if I'd gone with my heart and not my head?

I'm Erudite now. I learn constantly. There's always something new. I'm always challenged.

But sometimes, I walk right away from the compound. Far away. And I watch Amity in the fields. Laughing.

There's no one to laugh with in Erudite.

My life. My future.

I chose logically. I stand by my decision.

I, Jeanine Mathews, surely chose correctly. How could I have gone wrong with the highest IQ in all of Erudite?

A laugh from the fields carries on the breeze, and I walk away before the tear can hit the ground.