Hog Wars: Attack of the Satire
Sequel to Hog Wars: The Phantom Parody
JK Rowling OWNZ
Other stuff owned by its respective owners.
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Ron Weasley wasn't having the best day. The girl he had liked for a long time had been won over by an obnoxious painting, who was currently being tried for being Illogical by Physics, but that's another story entirely. Ron Weasley was sulking around with Harry, who had finally gotten over his angsty heroness because he saw something shiny. Unfortunately, this story really isn't about Ron Weasley. No, it's about the forgotten character: Dennis Creevey. That paragraph in the first Hog Wars? Foreshadowing you say? Why yes, yes it was.
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The lazy author crept though the Gryffindor Common Room, ducking behind the sofas and chairs and generally avoiding any place near the fireplace, in case someone happened to come down the stairs, which was unlikely at this time of night. Sadly, the lazy author had not yet purchased a watch, and didn't seem to realize that it was only five o'clock in the evening and all of the students were in the Common Room doing homework, except for Ginny and Hermione, who had been called to Sir Cadogan's trial as witnesses.
After quickly darting up the stairs to the boys' dormitories, she motioned for Remus Lupin, still huggable as ever, and Aragorn, who had given up hitting coconuts together and was now clicking pens, which was, if possible, more annoying.
"Come, sir knights!" cried the lazy author, who had another mood swing and forgotten that she was previously in double super secret spy mode.
"Aye, aye, captain!" replied Remus Lupin. Lupin had given up trying to keep the lazy author sane, and decided to just get high on sugar instead.
"Mumble grumble bumble shmumble!" Aragorn mumbled loudly.
The students of Gryffindor were contemplating calling Professor McGonagall. They were deeply concerned about their personal safety, both physical and mental, with these strange people, one of whom seemed to be their former professor on a severe sugar high, lurking noisily about their Common Room.
The merry band of three snuck up the stairs. The lazy author peered quickly into the seventh year boys' showers, then skipped to the third year boys' dorm.
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"I've got it!" cried the lazy author, as she held a book above her head. Printed in clear, horribly clashing purple letters on the yellow cover were the words:
Diary of Dennis Creevey
The Forgotten Gryffindor
"Shall we take a look?" asked Sugar High Lupin, who may or may not be made a superhero.
"And look we shall," responded the shoe on the floor, because it's just so much fun when shoes talk.
Now, this was not your ordinary talking shoe. You see, this talking shoe had a secret. So the shoe told the one person he knew he could trust, my grandfather's grandfather, Thomas Gates.
Charlotte, the secret lies with.. wait, it wasn't Charlotte, it was-
"All in good time," said the lazy author, who certainly did not want the future of her story jeopardized by the flashback of a talking shoe.
Did they open the diary, and release the horror within?
Tune in next time, on-
"Do you know how much I hate that god damn movie commercial voice?" asked the lazy author as she opened the cover of Dennis's Diary.
Monday, September 1st
The Hogwarts Express
Can you believe school has finally started? Oh my god, I got the cutest outfit for after classes the first day, and I got a new pair of nice black robes. Oooh, you have to see my new dress robes! They are soooo cute! They're light blue with a pretty white sash, and they're made out of this soft silky fabric, I like died when I first tried them on, they were so comfortable. And they look great on me! Harry will so totally notice me now!
"Is it just me, or does it seem like we picked up the wrong diary?" asked Aragorn, who had now found his sword hidden under the bed and was thus able to talk normally.
"Yeah, but isn't it fun when you have the deranged kid with a fetish for the hero?" asked the lazy author, and went back to reading.
Wednesday, September 3rd
Charms
Is it just me or does Snape seem like totally hot this year? I mean, the guy could seriously use some hair care products, or maybe just some, like, shampoo, but he totally has a great bod. But his mood swings like a pendulum on crack!
"Hey," said the lazy author, "he can't use that simile, I invented that simile!"
"We're aware," said Remus Lupin, whose sugar high had faded slightly due to his Common Sense coming off of strike by his cerebrum agreeing to give it a raise. "You're writing this conversation right now."
"Hey, you're right!" said the lazy author.
The lazy author had a cupcake.
The lazy author grinned as she suddenly received a cupcake. Religious people would speculate that God had come down from heaven and handed her the holy cupcake, would find an obscure resemblance to some face, tell everyone it was Jesus, and sell it on eBay. But the lazy author just felt like getting on with the story.
Unfortunately, she couldn't get on with the story right now, as she had to eat her cupcake.
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The lazy author was showered with thousands upon thousands of cupcakes… In fact, the entirety of Hogwarts Castle was made out of cupcakes!
The lazy author heard a faint squishing sound coming from outside of the third year boys' dormitory. The cupcake batter door flew open, and Professors McGonagall, Flitwick, and Snape stormed in.
"HOW DARE YOU TURN THE WHOLE CASTLE INTO YOUR HORRIBLE CUPCAKE DOOM LAND!" cried Professor Flitwick, who had a knack for making things seem more dramatic than they really were.
"Sorry…" mumbled the lazy author, and quickly ran her white out mouse over the sentence. The Professors sighed and left as the castle returned to normal, which was bad for Draco Malfoy, who was trying to eat his bedpost.
But one cupcake remained. It wore a very evil expression in it's frosting, and began to shout things in a squeaky cupcake voice that sounded vaguely like "destroy!" and "revenge, get everyone" but it was casually flicked out of the window before the question of whether or not hyper-intelligent cupcakes bent on world domination could withstand nuclear wars, and, if so, then what the hell was in Raid?
"Let's get back to reading, shall we?" suggested Aragorn, who was petting his sword like an insane exiled king from another story would pet his weapon of choice.
Saturday, September 6th
Dorm
Why doesn't Harry notice me? NO- FIGHT THE AUTHOR- No, Dennis, give into the good, kind author- NEVER! YOU CANNOT MAKE ME- Oh yes, Dennis, my dear, we have our ways- SHUT UP OTHER PERSONALITY- you can never silence me!- FIGHT THE AUTHOR- FIGHT THE MAN- MUST FIGHT IT- USE THE FORCE, ANNIKIN- wtf?- Yes, precious, you have let your guard down- Aw, crap- MUAHAHAHAHA!
"Dedeedeeededee," the lazy author said in an imitation of Taryn during Science the previous afternoon as she flipped the pages.
Friday, October 11th
Down by the Lake
I've gotten over my silly little crush on Harry, especially after that conversation I had with my brother last night, in which he made it very clear that Harry was his and I was to back off. Oh well, I'll go after his friend now, that Weasley kid.
So, from now on,
I 3 Ron Weasley!
The author was jarred from her reading of Dennis's diary by a puffin dropping from the sky, making a squealing noise very similar to that of a pig, because the lazy author didn't really know what puffins sound like, only that the word 'puffin' is fun to say.
"Sorry," shrugged Aragorn, "couldn't resist…"
The lazy author gave Aragorn the evil eye as the puffin dove out of the window, murmuring about supporting his oppressed cupcake brother.
Now, the story shall be interrupted to make way for a song the author just thought up:
Mumble, rumble, rant and grumble
Utter, mutter, and whine and stutter
Jibber jabber, talk and chatter
Synonymses this way comes!
However, the lazy author was forced to end her song here, as an all too familiar voice spoke up.
"Why, pray tell, do you think Dennis Creevey would be in love with Ron or Harry?" asked the voice.
The lazy author screamed very loudly, as well as said some certain words that would make one's mother was one's ears out with soap, which really does nothing as it only gets soap into one's inner ear and one can still remember what one heard.
"You thought you'd gotten rid of me, didn't you?" inquired the voice.
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Sorry about the incredible shortness, but that just seemed the right place to end this. I should have added this onto Hog Wars 1, but it didn't seem to fit there, so, voila, the sequel!
The puffins will play a major role later on, unless I change the story.