Foreword

This fanfiction is going to be such a treat. That said, this isn't a story for everyone. So I'm going to tell you the premise and give you a warning, and you can decide for yourself if you should read this.

In this story, stuff happens.

Now for the warning.

This is a comedy.

Now then, let's get on with the show.

The Dark and Foreboding Prologue (Look Out, It's Spooky!)

Dear Diary, today I died eleven times.

Bowser kidnapped Princess Peach AGAIN! I know, big surprise right? That was sarcasm, diary. I'm telling you this because you are a book and is not so smart enough to get my jokes.

Anyway, the adventure to save her was really tough on me. It's a good thing Mario picked up all those 1-UP Mushrooms, otherwise I'd have been a goner.

The two of us had to travel all the way to Bowser's Castle to save her. Again. Now, normally that wouldn't be a big deal. As you know, we do this all the time. But this was the twelfth day IN A ROW that Peach got kidnapped! Maybe Bowser is going for a new kidnapping record?

Anyway, I had such a scare when we got home! So there we were, super tired, slogging up the steps to our porch, walking up to our little wooden frontdoor, and I turn the knob and the door is locked! So I reach for the house key, and I find a big hole in my pocket instead! Our key had fallen out of my pants somewhere on our adventure! And then out of nowhere it started to rain! We would have to backtrack through our whole adventure, in the rain, at night.

Sometimes it feels like the whole universe is out to get you.

But then Mario, he just casually walks up to our frontdoor, and he kicks that son of a birch down!

I called it a son of a birch because it's made of wood, diary. It was a joke.

I replaced a word with another word.

I just want to make sure the joke is clear, I want us to be on the same PAGE - also a joke because you are a book.

We were too tired to fix the door so we just kind of set it up against the doorway to make it look closed. We'll have to re-attach the hinges tomorrow. In retrospect it would have been smarter to just open a window and climb in.

Anyway, I'm really tired so I'm gonna hit the hay. I've never been so excited to sleep! And not even because I'm tired! Well, that too. But there's a bigger reason! A reason that makes this whole stupid day totally worth it! Mario was so tired when we got home, he just collapsed on my bed instead of climbing up to his! Do you know what this means?

I GET TO SLEEP IN THE TOP BUNK!

Luigi closed the book.

Normally he would have spent at least twenty minutes writing bad poetry about flowers, but tonight he was simply too tired. The short entry he made would have to do.

Not wanting to wake his brother, Luigi tiredly tip-toed over to the bunkbed Mario shared with him. A soft smile formed under his mustache as he gazed upon the heavenly upper bunk.

Oh! To lie above the world like a snugbug blanketed by clouds so high in the sky, far above the sound of those creepy creaking floorboards that mimic someone walking through the house! To feel the soft, comfy plush of the Above Pillow snug against his face as the stuffing within crinkles beneath his ear, a sweet song of settling plumage that all lullabies should envy! To hear the creaks and groans of the bedframe whisper non-threateningly for once, holding his lean weight effortlessly aloft instead of threatening to buckle under the weight of his fat brother and land on whoever lies below. To be carried by that magnificent perch through the tinted glass of subconscious, to a far away land of dreamy dreams, and be free of this black night! Away from those suspicious, shifting shadows that litter the dark room and startle his paranoid mind (Was that a man standing by the window? No, it was a curtain.) But perhaps greatest of all was feeling like he had the cool bunk.

"The top bunk is truly the bed of kings." thought Luigi. "And older brothers."

Luigi began to climb the bedside ladder. The rain picked up and beat against the roof like rude yuletide deer, and Luigi looked to see if the noise had woken Mario.

And it was then Luigi noticed Mario was not there.

And then he was there.

And then he wasn't.

And then he was.

Luigi watched Mario's form flicker in and out of existence, like the self-confidence of an adult who still writes fanfiction.

Luigi leapt off the ladder, ran to a corner of the room and tucked into a fetal position as he tried not to cry.

It was a whole three minutes later before Luigi worked up the courage to approach Mario and see if his dear brother was alright. Mario's body was still blipping in and out of visibility, and was now transparent even at its most tangible. Luigi had to squint to see if his brother was still there, his outline getting harder and harder to distinguish against the dark.

"Mario?" whispered Luigi. "Bro?"

Luigi tapped Mario with his finger and the faint plump plumber exploded into tiny red specks that floated around the room like bloody dust nodes. The scent of a forest filled Luigi's nostrils. The smell of oak and grass and animal turds filled the air as the vanishing red spots that had once been his brother fell like snow. Luigi looked down and saw the little red dots fall onto his clothes. He felt the pieces of Mario land on the back of his neck and fall down his shirt. And then he heard a laugh. It was a squealing, high pitched laugh that stabbed Luigi's ears and scraped loudly against his mind like misused chalk. I told you this would be spooky.

Luigi ran screaming out of the bedroom, tore through the living room, knocked the door to the side, and disappeared into the night, all while somehow in the fetal position.

Later he would realize he'd wet himself.