Kids Will Be Kids

kingfisher's game

Chapter 1: People Who Have Weak Stomachs Shouldn't Eat Food They Found Outside

…

Notes: A little about Kids Will Be Kids—I've been working on this story intermittently since I first started watching Gintama a few years ago, and it's finally complete. That's right, this story has been 100% written. All that's left is to revise and post the chapters. I'm looking to update biweekly, so make sure to hold me accountable with reviews, favorites, and follows!

This story takes place after the Battle on Rakuyou arc and before the Silver Soul arc. It fits pretty cleanly into canon aside from the fact that in this story, Utsuro's somehow on the back burner and a year has passed since Kagura returned to Earth from Rakuyou, making Kagura 15 years old while Sougo and Kamui are both 19.

Enjoy!

A ray of early summer sun filtering through the leaves of the tree above was leaving a patch of heat on Gintoki's left cheek. He left his eyes closed for another second, relishing the rare moment of peace. How long had he been napping? Long enough for the lone ray to leave a sunburn? If so, maybe Kagura was already finished with the job.

Today's client had enlisted the Yorozuya to bring him a fish from a hidden pond on a mountainside a few miles from Edo. Apparently the fish were magical. Probably some Amanto nonsense as usual, but the client had paid half up front and Gintoki wasn't about to leave perfectly good cash on the table. Making money while sleeping felt like a job well done—not that he'd suggested splitting up to leave Kagura with all the work on purpose, but she'd kept him up all night with her friggin' "nemurenai-aru"s and he'd been so exhausted that his hourly JUMP-reading break had turned into slumber.

But he could hardly blame himself, could he? The atmosphere was perfect for a nap. Life as a business owner and single parent of two idiot children rarely left time for enjoying the simple things in life, like the way the long, wispy grass flicked against his bare arms or sweet smell of fresh air. An outside nap on a day like this was pure bliss. The warm sunlight, the sound of birds chirping and leaves rustling, the smell of grilled fish…

Grilled…fish?

Gintoki jumped to his feet and took off toward the source of the smell. "Kagura! Kagura, where are you? Those fish are going to pay our rent for the next three months! They're going to pay off my pachinko debts! If you're stuffing your face with magical fish right now, I'll deduct the expenses out of your portion of the reward!"

"If you do, you'll have to actually start paying me, uh-huh," Kagura replied between bites, not even turning away from her campfire to acknowledge Gintoki's approach. Beside her was a massive pile of wooden sticks and fish skeletons, all bare save for the scanty bits of meat that hadn't made their way down the Yato girl's black hole of a gullet.

That little piglet… "Have you been sitting here eating fish this whole time? Seriously? While I've been slaving away searching for this pond, criss-crossing all over the mountain…"

One look at Kagura's deadpan expression was enough to communicate to Gintoki how little faith she had in his work ethic. He sighed and kicked a few sticks out of the way to sit down next to her. "…Well anyway, did you at least leave any for me?"

"There's one left there, uh-huh," Kagura jabbed a thumb at the pond behind her, where a glittering white form darted through the clear water. So she'd left him one? That was good, he'd been feeling a little peckish since waking up. It was surprisingly thoughtful of Kagura to leave one for him—

"That's for the client, though," she added.

Of course.

"I caught something else, if you want to grill it up and eat it. It might taste funny, but since you're an sadist too you should be immune to its do-S germs."

"Oi, China girl, I was the one who caught you trespassing. This is a government protected site. It's illegal to fish in this pond." A wooden skewer shot down from a tree branch above Kagura and impaled itself in the soil next to her, narrowly missing her head. Above them, Sougo leaned back on the branch and clucked his tongue in disappointment. "Tch. Almost."

"You ate them too, uh-huh. I'm going to report you to the police for taking a bribe from a criminal."

"I am the police. And in this situation, you're the criminal."

"Hey Gin-chan, tell the tax robber to find some other loyal citizen to accuse of fishing in a sacred pool protected by the government!"

"Shut up," Gintoki growled, swatting Kagura on the head. "You're both breaking the law."

"In any case, I'm going to have to take this one down to the station," Sougo said to Gintoki as he hopped down from the branch, patted his stomach, and pulled out a pair of spiked handcuffs and a matching collar. "Let's go, China. Put your hands behind your back. If you come quietly, I'll leave the muzzle off."

Kagura rose to protest, apparently having recovered from the post-meal afterglow that had so far limited their fight to verbal taunts. The fish had been a delicious (although temporary) olive branch, but a good sparring session would be the best way to work off the calories. Gintama's heroine had to stay trim.

Sougo cracked a grin at her, ready for the inevitable challenge. He'd been given the assignment to guard the pond as punishment while the usual security guy was in the hospital (an unfortunate result of his having gotten between Sougo's bazooka and Hijikata. An accident. No one's fault, really). After a full week of the most boring post he'd ever been subjected to, Sougo was almost—almost—ready to reconsider the more violent aspects of his crusade against the Vice-Chief. If Sougo got punished every time he sent that bastard a killing blow, he'd never get off this useless assignment.

Half an hour earlier he'd been sitting in this tree 'supervising' the inside of his eye mask when he'd heard someone skipping up to the pond. He'd been about to drop to the ground and stop the intruder from approaching when he'd recognized the China girl's voice. Those constant 'uh-huh's were unmistakeable. It was a prime opportunity to get her arrested (and threatening members of the Yorozuya with legal action was practically a perk of the job by now), so he'd waited until she'd started cooking to reveal his presence.

Honestly, she was asking to be messed with. Who walks up to a sacred site and starts fishing?

But the fish had smelled so good…and being up on this goddamn mountain for the past week had done dirty things to his appetite. It definitely didn't help that there was probably no one in the world who enjoyed eating as much as Kagura did. She made it seem like even after consuming almost every creature in the pond, she still couldn't get enough.

Sougo couldn't resist. Well, not that he really tried. Instead of slapping a pair of cuffs on her as soon as he revealed his presence, he'd allowed her to bribe him into a little stay on her arrest.

It was worth it. Sougo could shoot an angel out of the heavens and roast it (and he would, if he ever got the chance), but it wouldn't taste as good as the magical fish. Now, though, he was full enough to get back to his main task—causing trouble for Kagura and Gintoki. He stepped toward her and and rattled the collar. "Don't try to run away. A beast like you belongs on a leash."

For a moment, Sougo waited for her retort, anticipating an accusation of sadism with a 40% chance that she would tell him he was wasting the taxpayers' money.

Kagura was silent.

"Hey, China. Aren't you going to put up a fight? You should know I think it's less fun to hit someone who isn't trying to hit back."

Kagura had turned pale—paler than usual. She dropped to one knee.

"Kagura?" Gintoki looked up from his attempts to catch the last sparkling fish in a basket. It wasn't like Kagura to pass up a fight with Sougo. She had a distinct look of shock on her face. Was it the fish? In the past, Kagura had eaten obscene amounts of food that had passed its expiration date with no incident. Magical fish, though…and she was famous for throwing up at the drop of a hat, anyway. Gintoki would have to handle the situation delicately.

"If you're gonna yak, China, let me know. I still have nightmares about that time with the waterfall of vomit." Sougo said, already in front of Kagura and tipping her face up to look for signs of whatever was wrong.

"I feel weird…" a whine issued from the girl. Her face was white, save for two red patches high on her cheeks. Her skin felt unusually warm against Sougo's hand. She was staring at his face, but her eyes looked too hazy to really be seeing him.

"Hey, hey, get ahold of yourself!" Gintoki said, rushing to her side. The girl looked like she'd taken the train to barf city and was approaching fast. There was a severe shortage of mosaic censors in Gintama since the attempted invasion of the D***s from Planet C********* (creators of the Neo Armstrong Cyclone Jet Armstrong Cannon) last week. Every member of the Shinsengumi had been forced to do overtime to cover up the many instances of male nudity that had afflicted the city. If Kagura was going to ralph now, she'd have to do it off-screen.

With Kagura in this state, Gintoki was going to have to leave the capture of the last magical fish for another day. "I'm going to take you home. Sadaharu, where are you? Sadaharu!"

Carrying the half-conscious Kagura fireman-style, he turned to look for Sadaharu, but was halted by a choking sensation around his neck. He brought a hand to his throat. "What?"

In true do-S style, Sougo had attached the spiked collar while Gintoki wasn't looking. "Where do you think you're going?"

"W-well, since Kagura-chan is feeling a little under the weather, I think I'll take her home so she can lie down. Don't want to keep the client waiting, ha ha…"

"Didn't you hear me say that that girl is under arrest, Danna? She trespassed and went fishing in a restricted area. Actually, I should arrest you too. Look, there's only one more sacred fish in the pond. How are you going to take responsibility, hah?"

"Now, now, Soichirou-kun, don't go sounding like a yakuza. I hate to see what the influence of those tax-robbing thugs is doing to the young people these days."

"It's Sougo."

"Ah, of course, Shoichi-kun. So why are those magical fish so special? Our client didn't explain why he wanted them."

"It's Sougo. And I don't know exactly what makes those fish magical. The only detail I got with this assignment was that they were a gift from that Prince Baka-"

BANG. Kagura, lying motionless on Gintoki's shoulder, erupted in a cotton candy-like puff of pink smoke. On instinct, Sougo whipped around with a hand on the hilt of his sword to search for the source of the explosion, but there was none save the girl herself.

The girl who had suddenly become a lot…less.

The force of the explosion had knocked her off Gintoki's shoulder and onto the ground. Sadaharu, sensing some kind of danger affecting his owner, licked her face.

"Kagura! Oi, Kagura, are you okay?" Gintoki kneeled down to assess the girl's injuries, but the 15-year-old had disappeared. In her place was a puddle of clothes and some kind of lump. A moving lump.

"W-w-w-w-what is that? What could that be, Soichirou-kun, hm?"

"Ah… The remains?"

The answering punch from Gintoki knocked Sougo to the ground. "What do you mean, the remains!?"

"Never mind." Sougo had been joking, of course. There was no way a Yato could be taken down by that weak impact, but he could understand Gintoki's reaction—whatever was under those clothes wasn't big enough to make up a full-sized China girl. Where did she go?

The lump under the clothing straightened and sat up. A small child's face, bright with curiosity, peered out from under Kagura's shirt to study the shocked faces of the two men. Round, blue eyes widened in interest.

If Gintoki hadn't been panicking before, he was now. Sougo was starting to feel a similar rise in his pulse. Just what…?

"Hey, Souichirou-kun, that's not…"

"C'mon Danna, there's no way…"

"Right, of course it couldn't be her."

"China's 15 years old. She may be small, but she's not that small."

"Her and this kid must have switched places." Gintoki knelt down next the kid. "Excuse me, little girl, what's your name? Where did you even come from? Where are your parents? How old are you?"

The child blinked slowly and straightened her back, drawing Kagura's shirt further over her head to block the sunlight from reaching her face. "I'm 5. My Papi is gal- gally- gal-uh-van-ting around the universe. That's what Mami says. Mami is in bed, but me 'n' Nii-chan take care of her."

Shit, thought Gintoki.

"I'm a Yato. I don't give my address to strangers."

Fuck, thought Sougo.

"My name is Kagura, and—" she burst into tears "—I want to go home!"

Notes: We're starting out with a short chapter, so stay tuned for the next one! Follows, favorites, and reviews are greatly appreciated. If you have questions about context or content, I'll be happy to answer them. Seriously, your feedback is the #1 motivator for me to keep posting. Thanks!