I was so heartbroken for Hap (and Toby, of course) during the scene when she revealed that she wasn't actually pregnant, so I decided to make a fic out of it.
My poor baby Hap has been through so much it's just unfair at this point. I hope they writers will be kind to her the rest of this season!
Anyway, I probably should've posted this on the week when we actually found out, but whatever.
Enjoy!
Even she, the super mechanical genius with little EQ, had experienced heartbreak before. Every day when she was stuck as an orphan, waiting for the red truck with the dented fender to come back for her, a small part of her heart chipped away.
And when she'd grown up, she'd matured, she'd learned, and she'd built her shields that were supposed to protect her from the pain that the world outside the garage would have granted her. They were supposed to be impenetrable.
After she'd finally let Toby in, let down her protections that she had trained herself to keep up, she didn't expect that heartbreak from her childhood to ever reappear.
But then again, she didn't ever think that the pain currently coursing through her would be something she'd feel again.
Happy traced her finger along the edge of the partly broken crib. Her chest constricted as small visions of what could've been flashed through her mind.
She chastised herself for being upset. The baby...it was never real. That heartbeat she believed was beginning to form, it was never there. The idea of a creation of new life growing within her, it never really existed. She knew she shouldn't feel as though she had lost something when she had nothing to begin with. That was...stupid.
The violent anger had faded for the most part, some rageful fires still remaining ablaze inside her, but had majorly subsided. Less and less temptation to smash something lingered as the minutes elapsed, but her feeling of mourning merely increased.
She clenched her jaw, mentally chiding herself. If there's no loss, there's logically no reason to mourn.
Moving away from her thoughts, Happy glanced at Toby. A small attempt to comfort herself. She'd never admit it to him, but even a short glimpse of him had the potential to brighten up her day.
She scoffed out loud at how disgustingly romantic that sounded.
Her eyebrows furrowed when she looked closely at him. Even without being a Harvard trained doctor, she could still pick up little things about him. Like the way his typical permanent smile was currently not staying so permanent. He was talking with Cabe and Sly, obviously, well, obvious to her, attempting to seem as normal as possible. They'd decided not to tell anyone, not quite yet, about the false pregnancy. With the wound still fresh in both of them, Happy had said she'd rather not deal with their friends' attempts at sympathy. Nonetheless, Cabe and Sly still hadn't picked up on his unusual demeanor.
Her eyes flicked in his opposite direction, avoiding looking at him in pain.
The pregnancy had brought them closer together. After her marriage with Walter had formed a wedge between them, she was admittedly grateful for their child assisting them in reverting to the way they were before, to the way they should've never ceased being. But now, with the baby gone, she couldn't escape the feeling that an uncomfortable and unwanted division would create a large partition in their relationship. And that thought forged a nauseating pit in her stomach.
Exhaling, she lifted her gaze to once more focus on Toby. He'd moved over to his desk, his figure now slumped over a book. Even from the distance away she was, it wasn't difficult to notice his eyes barely reading whatever was on the pages. He seemed distracted.
She couldn't blame him.
Happy squeezed her eyes shut to obscure the illumination escaping the lamp beside her. She wasn't sure how much time had elapsed before he'd turned it off, and before she felt the bed lowering underneath the additional weight.
Arms proceeded to wrap securely around her torso. She learned further into them.
The silence that then ensued was more relaxed, yet both felt as though they should end it. They knew one of them should speak up. The dreaded yet imminent conversation rested on the tips of each of their tongues.
Toby breathed against her shoulder. Being the physiatrist, they both assumed that he would start it, however much they did not wish to converse about the loss of their child.
An obvious reluctance laced itself into his tone. "Hap…"
Her heart suddenly began to throb. "Don't…" her voice cracked, "I'm-"
"I know," Toby mumbled into the material of her shirt. He pulled her closer to him, squeezing their interweaved hands.
The mechanic's next breath was sharp as she inhaled it. "Doc…"
He pressed a long kiss into her neck. "We'll get our family someday, sugarplum. Someday."
She clenched her fist against his palm slowly. "I wanted a kid, doc. I wanted to give someone a home, like I-" Happy admitted, her voice emerging as a whisper.
He shushed her, nuzzling the side of her face. "I know, kitten," he told her softly, "I know."