It had only been a few months since the shooting at County Hospital in Chicago, and to everyone there it had become nothing more then a bad dream, a memory all of them did their best to forget, move on with their lives…everyone except me.

That entire day replays in my mind every single day, no matter where I am or what I'm doing I can see it all. Trying to tube Luka, the screams and sounds of shattering glass, the gunshots…those ones were the worst. And it wasn't just the gunshots from the ER I heard, it was all of them, including the three that were caused by my own hand, three shots that turned my entire world completely upside down, and I have never been the same since. Sure I go to work, take care of my kid and pretend I'm like the others that it's all behind me and I too am slowly forgetting it ever happened…when really I am falling apart. Barely holding on, feeling like I am a million miles away from everyone, socially, mentally and physically. I use work as an escape, the busier I make myself the less time my mind has to wonder back to that night…Steve lying there sleeping peacefully, the gun in my hand…the shots ringing out into the night, the blood had splattered everywhere, but somehow I had managed to avoid it getting all over me.

I shake the thoughts from my head, the memories and down another shot of tequila, nodding at the bartender to pour me another and glancing around the dank pit of a bar making sure no one was around. I couldn't let any of them see me like this, see how much I've fallen over the months, see what I had become.

"Hey there pretty lady…" came a voice from behind me, causing me to turn and see a well dressed man standing there…man is a term used loosely as this man was barely a man, no doubt a kid from one of the colleges around, barely legal drinking age if even that. "Can I buy you a drink?" he asks, taking a seat on the bar stool next to me.

Usually, I would make a sarcastic comment about how I had a kid at home who was just a few years younger then him, but instead I just shrug and nod, allowing the kid to place a few bills on the counter, and the bartender to fill up my once again empty glass. I suck on the lemon at the bar, lick my hand and down that shot too, really feeling the effects of the sweet alcohol now, and not really caring much. This was what I wanted; the numbness was a comfort to me, kept me away from nightmares and imaginary gunfire.

"Wow…you sure know how to handle a shot." The boy comments, earning him another offhanded shrug by me.

"I've got a lot of practice." I respond, finally breaking my silence not just with the boy, but since I had entered the bar and quietly ordered my first drink. I slur my words slightly as I speak, but again I don't really care much, not like the kid took much notice, he was too busy staring at my chest. "See somethin you like?" I comment, shooting back another shot and giving him a look, ignoring my conscience screaming at me for hitting on a kid who probably wasn't legal for anything I had planned.

"I see a lot of things that I like." He replies with a grin, running his fingers down my arm. "What do you say we go somewhere a little more private, find out some more things we both like about one another?"

I shake my head, my common sense and morals finally winning over my drunken loneliness. "I can't…I gotta get home. My kid's got school tomorrow and I gotta work…don't think Elliot's staff appreciates always having to mother my child…"

The kid gives me a look "You got a kid?" he asks in disbelief

I nod "Oh yeah…Alex he's…a good kid for the most part…kinda wild at times but he's a young boy what do you expect…" I down another shot and shrug "Besides, his father died recently so, I gotta be around more for em you know?"

At the mention of Steve, the shots once again ring out in my mind, causing me to squeeze my eyes shut and inhale sharply. When I open them again, the kid is still staring at me, looking as if he still didn't believe that I was a mother, and with the shots and the images still there in my head, my morals and common sense give way and I lean forward, kissing the boy passionately.

The next thing I know, I am in a dirty alleyway, with the boys lips still pressed against mine, his hands traveling up my loose fitting work shirt, fondling my breasts through my bra, my own hands moving to unbuckle his belt.

"Oh fuck yeah…" he breathes, hands slipping down to my pants line now, pulling at the drawstrings of my scrub pants, and causing me to once again flashback….

"No…" I say suddenly, pushing him off of me, causing him to stumble backwards. I shake my head, trying desperately to get the images out, but finding myself unable to.

"What's your problem bitch?" the guy asks "A minute ago you were practically begging me for it."

I shake my head "Sorry I…sorry I just need to…sleep I…" I stumble from the alleyway and down the street a ways before finding an abandoned bench and laying down on it, curling up into a little ball for warmth and squeezing my eyes shut, the images coming back to me like it was just yesterday.

"Sam?" I hear a familiar voice say my name, breaking me free from my thoughts, from the images and sounds. I lift my head and open my eyes, barely registering that I was shivering from cold, and see Luka staring down at me, concern in his eyes.

"Luka…" I mumble "Can't you see I'm sleeping here?" I lower my head again and close my eyes, hoping that he would just leave me here, forget he even saw me and go home to his wife and son.

"I can see that…" he replies, taking a step closer to me "My question is why are you sleeping here when you could be sleeping at home where it's warm…"

I shrug "Convenient. I'm tired, this was here figured, what the hell."

He shakes his head, moving to lift me from the bench and pull me into his strong arms, and I find myself sub-consciously leaning my head against his shoulder, snuggling closer to his warm body. "You are freezing." He states "I'm going to take you back to my place. The couch is comfortable…I don't think Abby will mind…you need to warm up or you are going to get pneumonia…"

"No, I can't get that…" I state, head still buried in his neck "I've had it before…"

He frowns and looks down at me. "Are you drunk?"

I shrug and smile "Only a little…"

He sighs and we walk a bit before I hear him whistle for a cab. I know he put me inside it; but the cab ride itself is a huge blank. When I awaken again, I am already inside Luka's apartment, laid out on the couch covered in a few heavy blankets. I can hear Luka and Abby fighting in the kitchen about me being there. She didn't think it was a good idea, I had a home of my own to go to…but Luka insisted I stay there so he could monitor me, make sure I was all right, and that it was late, taking me home would wake up Elliot and Alex and get them all worried…he would call them in the morning.

I drift back into my own sub-conscience in the middle of their argument, so I had no idea how the thing ended, but found myself not really caring. If I was up before them, I would be long gone before either of them had a chance to call Elliot or do much of anything.

Sure enough, I wake with a start only a few hours later, the sound of three gunshots ringing in my ears. I look around, dazed and confused for a moment before remembering everything that had happened. I sigh, pushing the blankets aside and tip toeing my way to the door, shoving my feet into my shoes and sneaking out, taking a cab back to Elliot's and sneaking inside the large mansion easily, making sure to check on Alex before heading to my room and falling onto the bed with a sigh, once again slipping into the realm of sleep.