"Walking up the hill tonight when you have closed your eyes.
I wish I didn't have to make all those mistakes and be wise."
You ran...you ran so fast from his apartment. This whole evening was a mistake, such a huge mistake. But you were burning with hope. You always have been. When he looked at you this morning, and offered to spend the evening together, you finally thought he was giving you a chance to see more in you. You've been paralyzed the whole day, making a hundred excuses not to go, a hundred reasons to go, a hundred conversations starters...How were you supposed to stay calm when you were to seat beside the man you love so much?
"Please try to be patient and know that I'm still learning.
I'm sorry that you have to see the strength inside me burning."
You tried to go there sober, you really tried. You knew that it would ruin everything if you came in drunk. You just had a shot of vodka before, to give you courage. But he smelled alcohol in your breath when he greeted you and backed up, already loosing the trust he decided to put in you. You almost told him why you did it, that it was because you were fucking terrified of this moment. Because you didn't want to screw this up, your first chance with him. But you stayed silent. And shattered the evening.
"But where are you my angel now? Don't you see me crying?
And I know that you can't do it all but you can't say I'm not trying."
You're still running, climbing the hill that overlooks the city. You stumble and fall on the ground, and this tiny failure, another one, makes you fall apart, and you begin to weep, tears running down your cheeks. You curl on yourself, letting noisy sobs getting out of your chest, crying your eyes out for the first time in all these years. You don't even know where you are, who you are, you're just mourning over your unrequited love because it's too damn hard.
And you wish he would see you in a different way, not a drunkard, not a cynical, just the lost man that you are and who does these things to protect himself, to build an armor that keeps you going every day.
"I'm on my knees in front of him but he doesn't seem to see me.
With all his troubles on his mind he's looking right through me.
And I'm letting myself down satisfying you
And I wish that you could see that I have my troubles too."
He doesn't even realize that he is the only one who can crack this protection, who can truly reach you, hurt you, because he is the only one who ever touched your heart. Because he is everything you will never be. Passionate, accomplished, burning with passion, dedicated to a right cause. He's all this, and you're nothing beside him. But his whole filled your emptiness and brought you back to life when you thought you couldn't bare to live it. You were so closed to the darkness, they were ready to welcome you when you saw his light and clanged to it desperately. Without even knowing it, he rose you from this hell you were drowning in, giving you a reason to live for, a passion to follow. If only you had known then how it would end, maybe you would have chosen darkness.
"I'm sitting here weeping while the hours pass so slow."
Hours later, you're still on the ground, even if tears have dried out for long...but you feel so empty that you cannot find the strength to get up. You don't know what to do with your life if he isn't part of it. And he clearly stated that he would never be. How did this happened? How did this evening got out of hands like this? Couldn't you refrain that cynical comment? But no, things were too good between you too and it scared you, and you reacted the way you always do, by protecting yourself. If only he could see you for the way you are, with all your failures and splits, and understand that he's the one who can mend them...
"And I know that in the morning I'll have to let you go and you'll be just a man once I used to know.
This isn't all my fault. when will you realize?"
This isn't my fault, you whisper to the earth. You'd stop loving him if you could. But there is no other way, and that's the worst part. You'll always be in his shadow, burning under his sun, crawling for the crumbs of his affection. Or will you?
"Looking at you leaving, I'm looking for a sign".
You turn to lay on your back, staring at the stars. Is it life really worth living like this? Your old questions come back to haunt you, teasing you like little devils. Wouldn't it be much more simple just to disappear and forget everything? But are you strong enough to even do this?
What would he think about you? That you gave up again? No. You can't do this. You will not fail again to his eyes. You will live then, waiting for a sign, waiting for a tiny hope to make you breathe again, for him to set his eyes upon you to make your heart beat again, because truly this is all that you'll ever need.