This is my first attempt at writing humor. Rated for light swearing, innuendo and a couple anatomical references. Mostly for swearing. Hopefully its not too OOC.
I don't own any part of bleach and (if you don't like it) i had nothing to do with the story below.
"Nanao-chan! Come, sit, have a drink with us!"
Nanao looked at the empty sake bottles spread across the table and Kira passed out in the corner. For some unknown reason, he wasn't wearing his hakama, his kimono was on backwards, and he was using his sandals as a pillow. His body was curled around his zanpakuto like a child sleeping with a teddy bear.
"No thank you, I'm not staying long enough for a drink. Taichou, I believe you have had too much to drink tonight. Again. And, from the looks of things this evening, you alone have drunken more than our entire division could. Isn't this a bit irresponsible of you?"
Shunsui placed his hands over his heart. "Ah, Nanao-chan you wound me! Must you be so cruel with your reprimands? How can you say such harsh words to your beloved taichou?" Nanao stood with one eyebrow raised, her arms crossed and an unamused expression on her face. She reached up and adjusted her glasses.
"I think she's jealous." The auburn-haired woman said. She leaned toward his ear as if to tell him a secret, but she forgot to whisper. Not only Nanao, but everyone else in the bar heard every word she said. "Nanao-chan wishes she was the one sitting on your lap right now." She flipped her hair, unintentionally hitting Shunsui's face with the back of her head.
"I am nothing of the sort, Rangiku-chan." Nanao responded shortly. "You can stay there all evening if you like."
Rangiku leaned back to grab another bottle of sake and a cup from the table and promptly fell off Shunsui's lap. Giggling, she sat back up. "I didn't even spill a drop!" she proclaimed with a happy grin and a raised bottle. "Sit down Ise fukutaichou! Don't be such a stick in the mud. Join us!"
"I have already respectfully declined, thank you. Perhaps we should return to the barracks while you can still walk, sir."
"No! I'm not going anywhere until Nanao-chan has a drink." He sat with arms crossed and looked like a pouting child. A pouting child who needed a shave.
"Very well," she sat on a cushion and took the cup of sake from Rangiku's outstretched hand. She tossed back the liquid, slammed the cup on the wooden table and stood back up. "There, I have had my drink and now it is time to go, sir." She said rather impatiently.
"What? I didn't see it. You'd better have another one." Rangiku smiled happily.
Before she could stop herself, Nanao replied sharply, "Well, maybe if your breasts weren't hanging so far out of your uniform, you could have seen the table." Rangiku only giggled. She was entirely aware of what others said about her breasts, especially some of the other women. She really didn't care and her chest could make things rather interesting every now and then. Especially when the new graduates joined the divisions.
"I didn't see it either, Nanao-chan, and if I didn't see it, it didn't happen." His arms were still crossed and he had abandoned his pouting face for a frowning one.
"Yes, I'm sure her breasts were obstructing your view as well. With all due respect sir, right now, you wouldn't see my hand if I hit you in the face with it." Nanao said irritably. Another drink was starting to sound good. Dealing with these two drunks wore her out quickly. Thank God Kira was off snoring in the corner; she couldn't handle three of them tonight.
"Oh, too true, too true, my Nanao-chan. Now sit down and have another one." Shunsui, forgot about frowning and pouting, perked back up and grabbed the closest bottle of sake on the table.
Nanao sat down again as Rangiku poured another round. Actually Rangiku poured another cup for Nanao and kept the rest of the bottle for herself. Shunsui was still drinking from his 13th – no it was his 14th bottle. He raised his glass for a toast:
"Here's to you and here's to me,
the best of friends we'll ever be
but if by chance we disagree,
fuck you – here's to me."
Rangiku loudly clinked her bottle with his and, when Nanao didn't lift her cup, Rangiku grabbed her wrist and brought Nanao's cup up to the bottles, spilling half the sake in the dish in the process. Nanao, rolled her eyes, clinked her cup and gulped down the sake. Rangiku reached for another bottle.
"How many do you think she'll be able to drink before she gets drunk?" Rangiku, once again, forgot how to whisper and yelled in Shunsui's ear.
"My Nanao-chan never drinks. She is as pure as the snow on the tallest of mountains. Surely she must be drunk already!"
"I am not the drunk one here." Nanao stated.
"Then you must have another drink!"
Nanao sighed. She'd been sighing a lot this evening. It had been a very long day and she was extremely close to the breaking point. Her captain had disappeared just after lunch to prepare for his evening out, leaving her to explain his absence at 2 meetings (of course, all she needed to say was that it was Friday and everyone understood) and to finish his weekly reports.
Nanao took a sip from a full bottle the bartender set before her. She knew what Shunsui's next stage of drunkenness would be and she needed a little fortification.
"I am so lucky to be having a drink with the two most beautiful shinigami in all soul society. Can I persuade one, or perhaps both of you to join me in my room for another round? We may find some interesting things to do there…" Shunsui's voice was slightly slurred but his eyes gleamed bright with the prospect of Nanao and Rangiku with him in his bedroom. The thought made him giggle.
'God help me,' Nanao shook her head. 'Tonight I might just kill them,' she sighed again.
Rangiku had somehow managed to get a hold of the mostly full bottle Nanao had only set down only seconds before.
"Just give me the damn bottle," Nanao said impatiently, snatching the bottle out of Rangiku's unsteady hand. Drinking directly from the container, Nanao swallowed the remaining sake without stopping for a breath.
Shunsui clapped happily and his face was wreathed with smiles. The more Nanao drank the more fun this would be! And the more likely she would join him in his bed. Once again, the thought of her and Rangiku in his bed made him giggle. Nanao sighed again when she saw the gleam in his eyes. She really had to restrain herself from knocking him out with demon arts or smacking him in the face with her book.
Rangiku, spying the last dumpling on the other side of Shunsui, leaned over him to grab it from the table. Her reach gave Shunsui an up-close view of her cleavage which he ogled like a child in a candy store. At least he didn't drool. Nanao thought. Well, not much, but it all dripped on Rangiku, so it was all right.
Rangiku, snatched the last dumpling and greedily popped it into her mouth. Reaching for yet another bottle of sake, she tipped over and didn't sit back up. Leave it to Rangiku to fall when sitting on the floor. At least she didn't get hurt, Nanao mused. She has her own matching set of personal airbags. Rangiku lay face down in a cushion and a quiet snore escaped her lips. She would stay there until her captain came looking for her in a couple of hours.
"Ah, my Nanao-chan, would you care to come back to my room with me? I can see the loving adoration burning in your eyes. Please, let us spend a heavenly evening wrapped in each other's embrace!" By the end of his spiel, his eyes started to close and his head was nodding. His mind was falling asleep but his body automatically reached for another bottle of sake.
With another sigh and a shake of her head, Nanao questioned why this sort of thing happened to her. Fairly sure she wasn't going to be getting an answer to her silent question, she figured it was time for her final attack. Leaning in close Nanao whispered in Shunsui's ear the words that she knew would wake him up and get him to leave the bar quickly. "Oh, taichou, my body is yours. I'll do whatever you want…"
Shunsui perked up, his eyes wide open and bloodshot. "Oh, Nanao-chan, you'll never know how happy this makes me! I have dreamed of this night for many long, lonely years." He half staggered, half crawled to the door. "Just think of all the fun things we can do!" he started giggling again.
Nanao stood and looked at the table, now covered in empty plates and bottles. How three people could drink that many bottles of sake and still be alive, she would never know. Actually, Kira did look kind of dead but she could hear Rangiku's snores so at least one of them was still alive.
Shunsui was now loudly calling her name from outside the bar. With one last sigh, she turned and nodded to the manager. He bowed politely. She'd never spoken with the man outside of his bar, but she felt she knew him well. After all, they'd been doing this exact same routine every Friday night for the past 37 years. And she and the manager were the only ones who ever remembered any of it in the morning.
A small smile crossed her face as she slipped out of the bar. Maybe one of these nights she would take Taichou up on his offer. It wasn't like he would ever remember it.
Asi said, this is my first attempt at humor and while i thought it was really funny about 3 am, PLEASE review and let me know.And I'm kind of a stickler for details so if anything is wrong or inaccurate, let me know! Thank you!