Part three of "these battle scars". Content warnings for PTSD, depression, nightmares, possession, trauma, flashbacks, guilt/survivor's guilt, mind control, and panic attacks.
Captain Rex is walking so well these days he almost forgets it was ever a challenge. The medics and the Jedi healers have fixed the wounds so that there's nothing left but scars and, sometimes, twinges of pain from muscles that haven't quite recovered yet. The regulation blacks cover up the myriad of ropey new scars, and his armor affords him protection he'd often missed in the pits of Kadavo. He walks down hallways and people, even the Jedi, straighten, give him deferential nods.
The medics say good things about his recovery, say he's up and about much faster than they would have expected. (They try to get him to rest more anyway, say it would be wiser. He brushes them off.) General Skywalker adamantly refuses to let him do anything more strenuous with his battalion than inspections and overseeing drills - and those things Rex does with all his customary discipline and precision, with a firm tone and a straight spine and just enough humor to make it less tedious.
His men tell each other they can't believe how strong Rex is, how easily he seems to fall back into his accustomed role. (Jesse thinks it's hilarious how annoyed Rex is that General Skywalker won't let him on any missions.)
Rex can march and give commands and watch his men run drills and cover up his scars with his armor, and it's all fine . None of them know about the training simulations he runs on nights and afternoons when he has time to himself, trying to relearn how not to freeze and panic at the prospect of a fight. Only Ahsoka knows about the nightmares that (more often than not) keep him from sleeping. And he barely even admits to himself that some days he feels like a coward, like he can't care about anyone but himself, like he just has to survive even though he should be safe.
Rex sometimes thinks he's left some vital part of himself to rot on Kadavo, and he doesn't know how to get it back. The only times he feels anything like he used to are with Ahsoka and his men, and sometimes not even then.
He doesn't even know what's wrong with him, and that scares him.
...
The first thing Ahsoka had done when she'd been released from the Temple was find a new dress.
Her new one is dark brown leather, sleeveless, with a high collar and a closed back to hide the scars. There's nothing she can do about the awful scarred bands around her headtails and her montrals, but at least those scars are less obviously from a whip or a collar.
Anakin has yet to comment on the change, although she knows he's noticed; he's also not mentioned the way she still wakes multiple times a night from awful nightmares. She hasn't yet told her Master about how the only time she can get any nightmare-free sleep is on those nights when she gives in to her exhaustion and the ache in her heart and slips into Rex's room to sleep with him.
Anakin still won't let her go on any missions, even though she's practically begged him; probably a good thing, she decides eventually, especially since every time she ignites her sabers she sees herself standing over Agruss, ready to kill him in cold blood, the Dark Side roaring through her.
(She spends hours in the shipboard training salle, running through her forms until she's nearly collapsing from exhaustion. Sometimes, Rex trains with her. She thinks she's the only one who knows how he pushes himself through simulation after simulation, trying to overcome the battle freeze he's never struggled with before.)
She's tired of this.
Tired of feeling like she's one wrong move away from shattering; of feeling like she's lost some integral part of herself in the mines of Kadavo.
She's tired of flinching every time one of her men moves too fast.
She wishes she could just go back to the padawan she'd been before-but how, when she can still hear the seductive whisper of the Dark Side in her thoughts at night?
...
It's one of the numb days, when Rex wakes up in a fog and has to stick to the bare minimum of interaction and work. General Skywalker wants him to help go through the armory, so he spends all morning on autopilot, taking stock of their blasters and grenades and trying to respond well enough to Fives' jokes that his men don't ask any questions. It's tedious work, and doesn't require much thought, and that leaves him space to think about other things - things he'd much rather just ignore.
He thinks his General can sense it a little when the memories start to get too much, when he really loses focus and starts drowning in all thescreaming and the pain and the Zygerrian's smiles, because Anakin pulls him aside when they're about halfway done and tells him he should go "make sure Ahsoka's doing alright." Rex pulls himself together as best he can, fits his helmet on, and leaves the armory.
He knows where Ahsoka will be right now; he can feel her presence at the back of his mind, the shape of her thoughts and emotions. She's in the training salle again - she goes there often, these days, to practice with her sabers.
Before Kadavo, Rex and the other clones had mostly stayed away from the Resolute's salle; that part of the ship was understood to be for General Skywalker and Commander Tano, and they didn't really belong there. But lately Rex has trained in the salle himself with Ahsoka, and sometimes he wonders why he and his men have so often drawn such sharp lines between themselves and the Jedi. It doesn't matter that much, and it isn't like Anakin or Ahsoka care about those boundaries anyway.
When he walks into the salle, Ahsoka doesn't stop her forms right away. He lets himself be more mindful of their bond, senses she's already tired, so she's probably been training for a while. Even just being this close to her helps clear some of the fog out of his thoughts so he can focus. He reaches out with a pulse of warmth, a sort of greeting that he's taken to using when talking wouldn't be best, or when they don't feel safe talking, or when there are too many other people around.
...
Ahsoka jumps and flips through the air, slashing at an invisible enemy as she finishes the form. She lands poised on the balls of her feet, sabers extended, holds the position for a long moment, sends warmth back at Rex. Hey, Rexter.
It's one of the bad days; she's been in the salle all morning, trying to purge herself of the memories and the pain and the constant seduction of the Darkness hiding inside her. She's a bit surprised Anakin hasn't sent anyone to check on her yet. It's a habit he's gotten into, given how much time she spends training-sending troopers to make sure she's not like, falling over or anything.
You here for Anakin? Ahsoka asks, dropping out of the form and shutting her sabers off, clipping them to her belt.
She can tell by the way his thoughts feel, all tangled with the emotions and images he usually keeps locked up tightly in a box, that today is a bad day for him, too; one of the numb, foggy days when thinking seems impossible and even breathing takes almost more effort than it's worth. She has those days, too, even though she tries to hide them. (Rex knows, though. Those are the days she only feels safe when she's curled up in his arms. The days when she's desperate for four familiar walls surrounding her, protecting her, reassuring her no one can sneak up behind her. The days when she wakes up screaming, even with Rex holding her mind close.)
She sends him a wave of love and comfort.
...
Rex crosses over to her, puts his arms around her and pulls her against his chest. He thinks I'm here for him .
Ahsoka feels amused, and she squeezes him tight for a second before leaning back a bit, meeting his eyes. She always knows what's going on with him, and it's probably just the bond but he's still not used to it. "He's impossible," she grumbles, and Rex snorts softly, shaking his head.
"He's trying to help." Today he thinks it's mostly for his own sake Anakin sent him after Ahsoka, and he's not going to pretend he isn't grateful.
As always, holding Ahsoka is grounding, makes him feel a little more certain. He rubs circles on her upper back, tries not to think about all the scars she's hiding with her new clothes.
He feels her easing through his mind like she's trying to figure out where he is today, and he locks down some of the memories as best he can; just because he's been seeing them on a loop all day doesn't mean she should have to.
Ahsoka is screaming and they won't let him get to her and however hard he tries they just keep hurting her and he's helpless.
"I should be able to figure this out," Rex says, hesitant. "It's been long enough, I should- I don't know." He shouldn't still feel like fighting is too dangerous, shouldn't still struggle not to panic when Fives claps him on the shoulder to tell him some anecdote he's learned that day, shouldn't stilldrift so much. At least nightmares have always been normal for him; what's a few more?
(He doesn't actually believe that but he can at least still sleep most nights so what does it matter anyway.)
...
Ahsoka soothes the memories as best she can, helping him tuck them away where he won't have to relive them so much. "Neither do I," she admits quietly, resting her hands on his shoulders and dropping her gaze to stare at his chest. "I wish I knew how to fix this," and she looks up at him again, meets his gaze.
She catches the stray thought about nightmares; she's taught him more shielding, of course (there was little else to do in those first few days in the Temple), but in close proximity it's nearly impossible to hide surface thoughts. (Which just proves that this bond is deeper than a training bond, and she has to wonder how it formed. She'd done nothing consciously, but perhaps unconsciously?) Why don't you come stay with me? she asks silently. You know it helps the nightmares.
Rex just shakes his head. I can handle it on my own, Soka. But the way he clutches her close to him says otherwise-not that she'll press the matter, though.
Instead, she smiles up at him, says, "I'm glad you're here," and stands on her toes to press a gentle kiss to his lips.
(That's another of the changes wrought by Kadavo, and it's the only good one; after finally realizing and admitting their feelings for each other, they'd slipped into a sort of relationship she really doesn't know how to define. It's kept secret, by nature, due to the numerous rules-including the Jedi Code-that forbid it, but that's alright, in a way. Rex is an intensely private person and she's not sure she can broadcast to people how much she cares, not after having her very care turned against her as a weapon.)
I love you, you know, she tells him softly, showing him the depth of her feelings. So maybe she tells him a little more often than strictly necessary, but she can't seem to stop. Not after how close they'd come to losing each other. She doesn't want him to have any doubts about how she feels, not after the distance caused by miscommunication after Umbara.
...
Rex hums a little in response, thankful for the warm wash of affection that rushes through his thoughts. I love you too. This is one thing he doesn't regret, his closeness with Ahsoka. Never mind that it all has to be a secret - he's just glad he has her. Sometimes it feels just right , and he can't believe she loves him and it's exactly what he's wanted for a long time.
But sometimes (and today is a bit like this) he feels like he's moments away from losing her, like someone will know and take her from him and hurt her again. Those times he remembers her screaming and begging and huddled in his arms on Kadavo, and it makes him nauseous, the fear that it could happen again. Those nights he can't sleep, not unless she comes in and curls up with him. Those nights he runs simulations until everyone else wakes up.
He reluctantly pulls free of her embrace and wraps his arms around his stomach, sighing. "Fives told me today that he tried to flirt with Master Unduli when we were all still on Coruscant," he says. It had been a funny story, Rex just hadn't felt able to enjoy it. "He practically propositioned her. I think that might be why he didn't come see us very much for the last week or so."
Ahsoka raises an eyebrow, chuckling quietly. "Of course he did. Master Unduli though? She's lectured me on not having attachments before. I don't think he could have picked a worse Jedi to flirt with."
"I think he should have gone after General Plo," Rex says, smiling despite himself. "He seems like he'd be interested in a little flirting."
Ahsoka actually laughs, probably mostly because she's startled by the joke. Little gods Rex has missed that sound. She doesn't laugh much these days.
...
(She knows what Rex is trying to do, but they both need it, so she doesn't push.)
"Master Plo is too traditional," Ahsoka says, pretends to be deep in thought. "Fives would have better luck with Master Vos."
Rex smiles, just a little. "You're right. I'll have to tell him." And that smile, the way his eyes almost sparkle when he looks down at her, that makes her entire day seem brighter.
(She's still too afraid of losing him.)
It's good to see you smile, she sends, slips her arms around him again and tucks her head under his chin. A real smile, not the one you give the men. He seems a little surprised. You might fool them, but I know better.
...
I'm not even sure I fool them sometimes , he thinks. He tries, and most days they seem to be as comfortable with him as ever.
Sometimes, though, he thinks they seem more careful , less quick to tease. (There are still the occasional digs about him and Commander Tano ,you're really moving up in the world, Captain - but even those comments seem restricted to his better days.)
He's glad Ahsoka understands why he hasn't told his brothers anything about Kadavo - just like he understands why she doesn't talk to General Skywalker. His men trust him and if he tells them what happened, how much he's struggling, he has to accept he's not worthy of that trust - may lose their confidence altogether. And what use does the GAR have for a Captain that freezes every time he tries to fight?
He realizes Ahsoka can hear most of that so he blocks it out, runs his fingers over the scars on her montrals absentmindedly. "I'm at least not fooling them about you and me - Tup and Fives won't shut up about it. I'm going to have to start giving them extra drills to run or something."
He can tell Ahsoka isn't happy he's deflected the conversation back to his men, but it's just safer that way. He doesn't want to talk about it.
...
Ahsoka grimaces when he redirects the conversation to Tup and Fives' continued gossip. "I wish they'd stop. The entire battalion will be talking about us soon, if they're not already, and if the wrong person hears, reports back to the Jedi Council…" She lets her voice trail off, knowing he picks up on the unspoken implications.
She could be expelled from the Order for this.
Falling in love, struggling with that attachment, isn't the problem-most Jedi face that trial at some point in their lives, Master Kenobi had told her once (and there was an old pain that flashed across his face then that spoke of long-ago memories, and she wondered who he'd loved-still loved, if the pain was anything to go by)-it's acting on the attachment, cultivating it rather than cutting it off. If the Council knew, they'd at the very least have Rex reassigned to another battalion (or the Kaminoans would take him in for reconditioning, a fate worse than death).
"I know," Rex says heavily, one hand tightening around her. (Sometimes, she feels like if they just hold tightly enough, cling to each other and never let go, maybe it'll be enough. Maybe they can keep from being torn apart.) He's responding to both her spoken words and the thoughts that pass through her mind. "Maybe you can have the General talk to them? Fives will listen, if General Skywalker tells him."
Ahsoka considers that for a moment. It's a good idea, she has to admit, but… "If I say anything to Anakin, he'll lose the ability to deny he knew about us, if the Council finds out." And then he'd be in trouble, and possibly under more scrutiny, and she may be the only one who knows about his marriage-which the Council cannot know about, not now, maybe not ever. Not unless the rules on attachment change. Which is, she freely admits, unlikely. "I'll have to talk to them, make them understand." She huffs out a sigh. Making Fives understand anything serious is typically a challenge, to say the least.
Maybe having Tup there would help.
...
Rex would prefer to avoid admitting their relationship to his men at all - they're going to be insufferable, he knows that for a fact. But they probably would listen if Ahsoka talked to them, they always do. They really aren't supposed to have romantic relationships anyway, not ongoing ones, and a Clone Captain with a Jedi Commander? They all know that's not allowed. It wouldn't be hard to get them to be cautious. It's just that he doesn't really want them to know, or anyone else for that matter.
(If no one knows, no one can use it against them.)
"You should try talking to Fives," he encourages her, despite himself. "He cares what you think; if you explain it to him he'll listen." He could try, but these days he doesn't like to talk to Fives much. Fives, for all his jokes and recklessness, is too perceptive, and Rex's defenses are thin. Especially with how tired he is.
He can feel Ahsoka doesn't really want to have that conversation either, and he hides a certain morbid amusement. What a pair they make.
Ahsoka pulls away from him and walks to the door of the salle, turning to face him a moment. "How's Anakin today?" she asks, her voice raw.
Rex sighs. His General had seemed to be in decent good humor when Rex saw him, although he no longer really believes Anakin when he says he's okay. He had known well enough to look for the stiffness in his steps and shoulders, the restraint in his voice, and he knows that when he'd left Anakin in the armory, his General hadn't been at his best. "I'm not really sure. Not good, I think."
Ahsoka nods, rests her hands on her sabers. Rex wants to tell her he thinks she should try to talk to Anakin and ask him what's wrong, but he knows she's been avoiding it because then Anakin will probably ask her what's been wrong. He follows her out of the salle, keeping those thoughts to himself. Today isn't the day to push anything on her - it's not one of her better days either.
...
Ahsoka wanders the ship with Rex for a while before finally sighing and saying, "I'd better go find Fives."
Rex nods, says, "I'm going to train," by which he means run simulations, although he doesn't know she knows that.
"Good luck," she says, smiles at him.
He returns the smile, but his eyes are shadowed. "You, too."
She finds Fives in the barracks, touching up the dark blue paint on his armor. "Commander." He acknowledges her with a lazy grin and a half-hearted salute that splatters paint on her arms and dress. (She scowls at him, and he winks.) "What do you need?"
"To talk," and she takes a deep breath. "It's serious, Fives."
His expression does not change. But he at least stops painting. "About what?"
She swallows, twists her fingers together to hide the fact that her hands are shaking. (It feels wrong, to be saying this. What if someone uses it against them again?) "You and Tup have been telling everyone who'll listen about what Kix heard in the med bay."
And Fives smirks. "Ohhhh, and you're here to deny it?"
Ahsoka closes her eyes, steadies herself. "No, Fives. I'm here to tell you that if the Council finds out, Rex could be reassigned, sent to Kamino forreconditioning," and she spits the word out like it's poison, "and I could easily be expelled from the Order." At the word reconditioning, Fives goes pale, sits straight up. "The Jedi Code specifically forbids attachments of any kind, including romantic relationships. This can't spread outside the battalion, do you understand that?"
Fives swallows, nods, suddenly very serious. "I'm sorry, Commander. I'll tell the men." She hasn't seen him this subdued in a long time. "We won't let that happen to either of you, on my word as an ARC trooper."
"Thank you, Fives," she says, feeling very tired all of a sudden. She drags one hand down her face.
The trooper nods, salutes again-much more sharply this time. "You're welcome, Commander."
She sighs, turns to leave (what else is there to say?)-only to be stopped by his voice. "Commander?"
She stops, turns half around. "What, Fives?"
"Your dress looks good in 501st blue," and he winks.
She swears. "You're incorrigible!"
"I try my best!" he shouts after her as she jogs away.
(But he'd done what he'd been trying to do: make her laugh.)
...
Rex sets the simulation to a higher setting than he's done recently, leaves the rest of the settings automatic. When he first steps out onto the floor and draws his blasters, he feels confident, ready - as he always does. This time he can do this, this time he can run through it without hesitating.
It's when the simulation actually starts and the droids activate and the first volleys of blasterfire rain down that he freezes . He tries to will himself to move but his stomach twists and his heart pounds and he just can't , not until one of the training bolts hits him in the shoulder. Then he jumps behind a wall, fires quick, precise shots over it at the droids. It's easy, and if it weren't for the hollow anxiety in his stomach he wouldn't be worried.
The droids fall and he prepares to jump up and run to the next area of cover, a lower wall that might not be enough to shield his whole body. As he pushes up onto the balls of his feet, scans the arena for opponents, panic starts setting in again and he breathes through it, swears softly. If he could just keep moving he wouldn't have to deal with the panic, but he can't, not without getting shot far too many times.
Then he swallows down his terror and sprints across to the wall, shooting down two droids that try to advance from the side. He drops into a roll, ends up on his stomach behind the wall.
The guard jabs him in the back with the staff, grinds the tip of it into his spine and electricity burns hot through his bones, tightens his fingers into pained claws.
Not this again, for kriff's sake. He swallows and makes himself push up onto his elbows, fire his blasters into a row of clankers. His aim isn't as good this time and he swears, tries to steady his trembling arms. He takes out enough droids that he considers an assault - he could charge and shoot through their ranks, if he was fast enough.
But he doesn't trust himself to be "fast enough" these days, so he bides his time, shoots the advancing droids and eyes the route he's planning.
There's a brief pause in the assault, and he takes advantage of the opportunity to run for the stairs that lead up to the second level of this particular simulation. Stairways are dangerous places to fight, but he has time to get up them before the droids catch up to him. He stands at the top of the stairs and shoots them as they try to follow. It's so easy - he might actually finish this simulation.
He's made a stupid, stupid mistake. The second level is open to the first, with no railing of any kind, and he keeps an eye out that way for more droids - but he fails to look around the second level for incoming clankers, expecting to hear them, notice them, if he has to.
The assassin droids come out of nowhere, so fast he panics (the blaster explodes in Ahsoka's hands and he can't even think for the pain) , and start shooting at him, crowding him towards the edge of the floor. He can dodge the first few shots, and returns his own, but suddenly he's teetering on the edge of the floor and one of the droids shoots him in the head, directly between the eyes, and he falls.
The simulation shuts down when he's shot, but when he hits the floor he wants to get back up immediately, needs to, it's important, a slow soldier is a dead soldier- but he's winded, can't get a full breath, and that just makes it all worse. He gasps for air and rolls over, pushes himself to his feet. But the droids are gone, the second level is too, and everything's back to being quiet and dim. Right, he's fine.
"Simulation failed."
Rex can't help it, he swears , slamming his blasters back into their holsters and yanking his helmet off. What is wrong with him? He's not some shiny in his first battle, he's a Captain, and he's supposed to be stronger than this. Kadavo is over. He shouldn't be seeing it like he's still there. I can't do a "next time," Ahsoka. Turning to go, he tucks his helmet under his arm, thinks he should probably be more careful - his back and head hurt where they'd slammed against the floor. He shouldn't be hurting himself in kriffing training simulations.
...
The boy dies.
Over and over again she watches it happen: he stumbles, falls. She offers him a hand (she just wants to help, she knows it's easier to get up when there's a friendly hand to hold, especially here), and he takes it and he's grateful and he's smiling and then the guard comes.
The guard comes and the boy dies and she doesn't even know his name, can't even give him the traditional death rites. They leave his body on the ground like trash, like he's not even a person, and it's all her fault.
Rex almost dies, because of her. Because she just wanted to help.
She gives up all her principles, she lets go of every ideal the Jedi and Anakin and Master Obi-Wan and Master Plo have ever told her and she can't even make herself care. She doesn't care and she wants Agruss dead and the Dark Side comes so easily to her fingertips.
The boy falls, dies.
Because of her.
She kills him just as surely as if she'd cut through him with her 'sabers.
Ahsoka snaps awake with a stifled scream (can't make noise or the guards will hear), shivering and crying.
She doesn't even know his name.
She's shaking, hands trembling, breathing shallow and shuddering and desperate (Rex is screaming and he won't-can't-stop and she shouldn't have fought, she shouldn't have); she kicks her blankets off and practically throws herself from the bed, drags on the nearest pair of leggings underneath her sleep shirt, calls her 'sabers to her hands.
(She's standing over Agruss, you won't kill me, it's against Jedi principles, and she's smiling when she whispers you shouldn't have broken me.)
Ahsoka almost throws her lightsabers at the wall, a broken sound slipping past her lips (jagged like shattered glass, like the screams of the Togrutans-of her people- as shock whips come crashing down)-but she can't, she has to get over this, she's got to fight. So she throws her door open with a wave of the Force, runs barefoot through the corridors (the durasteel floor cool against the soles of her feet) until she reaches the salle. She ignites her 'sabers (flinches at the hissing sound), tries to step into the first form-
The invasive cold of the Dark Side whispers through her thoughts, and she screams, raw and fractured, sprints through the first kata with all her strength and speed, progresses to the second one (the guard stands over her with a shock whip and he laughs and laughs as she screams), staggers as she misses a step-
She shouldn't be having this much trouble, it's just a simple kata!
(Rex catches her and they yank her from his arms where she's safe and fling her to the ground, they order Rex to kneel and he won't and her collar activates and she can't stop screaming, howling in pain so intense she can't breathe.)
Ahsoka misses another step, swears in a cobbled-together mashup of Huttese and Mando'a, tries to start again-but the second she slips back into the familiar motions, she feels cold again, frozen, and there's that awful rage and hatred boiling in her blood (tell them to burn the whole kriffing thing down) and she can't-she won't-she drops her 'sabers like she's been burned, staggers back until her back hits a wall, her legs turning to water beneath her. She slides to a sitting position, pulls her knees to her chest, wraps her arms around them and hugs herself.
She's fine during the day (well, sort of, at least she can make it through her forms without screaming), but as soon as she thinks of actually fighting she feels the burns on her back and headtails and montrals like they're fresh, hears the screams of the colonists, of her fellow slaves-sees herselfdoing nothing because she's too exhausted to care. (If she'd just tried harder she maybe could've done it, she should've done something to save them, to stop it, she thinks of Ahsri being whipped on that first day, how the Togrutan woman had still managed to care enough to help her when she needed it, and what had she done in return?)
Her 'sabers are still on, but she can't make herself get up to turn them off.
Just give in, the Son's cold voice hisses, edged with that same cruel amusement as always (he's haunted her since Mortis, and it's just gotten worse). You and I, we could do amazing things together. We could make those slavers pay, bring peace to the galaxy, ensure no one is ever a slave again.
"Stop it," she whimpers, curling up tighter, unable to tear her eyes away from her 'sabers lying on the floor. "You're dead, you can't do anything."
I might be dead, but I can still show you how to accomplish your dreams, your deepest desires. I can give you the power you need and the knowledge to use it, and tonight she's not sure she's strong enough to say no. The Son-the Dark Side-whatever the voice in her head is, it always knows when she's at her weakest, when the nightmares are the worst. You might as well join me, you know, and kriff but his voice won't go away. You're hardly a Jedi, not after how you behaved in the mines of Kadavo. You didn't even try to stop the Zygerrian from killing Shiel, not truly. And look how easily the Dark Side came to you, when you reached for it during your escape. You belong with me.
Shiel. The unknown boy's name. How is it that the Son, the literal avatar of Darkness, knows his name and she doesn't? You belong with me, his voice whispers again, you know you do. Don't you remember when you were my chosen vessel, the mortal form in which my power was made manifest? Don't you remember how easy it was, then, how every desire of your heart was within your grasp? I could give that to you again.
And oh, Force, but she does remember how it felt, to have the entire Dark Side of the Force at her beck and call. Everything was right there-she didn't have to worry about dying in the next battle or her Master dying or anyone she loved being lost, because she had the power to save them,she could stop the war-
...
Rex is woken up by her fear. Most of the time at night they shield their thoughts - it's so they don't have to see each other's nightmares. If he's awake because she's projecting, it must be bad .
A truly horrible nightmare.
Or something worse, something real.
He flings off his blanket, stuffs his feet into his boots, and grabs his blasters, rushing out into the hall. He follows the pull of her thoughts, catches freezing breaths of cold - she's in the salle again, of course she is, and part of him tells him he should slow down because they aren't under attack and she's probably fine (relatively), but he can't be sure until he sees her.
When he gets to the salle, he doesn't even pause to alert her to his presence, just slams the button to open the door and fidgets until it opens far enough that he can duck under it.
Her sabers are on the floor and his heart slams against his ribs - he raises his blasters on instinct until his eyes find her, curled up against the wall and he slows down enough to re-evaluate the situation.
A chill runs down his spine and he can't pinpoint why but he knows enough not to ignore it; Ahsoka's thoughts still feel like ice and panic so he sets his blasters on the floor (reluctantly) and hurries over to her, kneels down on the floor and projects his concern and love.
She looks up and for a moment she shrinks back a little, and her eyes are wide and scared.
What's wrong, Soka? He wants to pull her into his arms but he waits, because the last thing he wants to do is scare her more.
She doesn't answer him directly, instead opening her mind to him and letting him see some of the cold, some of the doubts, and then there's avoice . It's not Ahsoka's, it's not anyone he's ever heard, and he slams up shields automatically, pulls back.
Ah, here's your Captain, the voice says, a laughing sound, silky and ancient. You know they won't let you keep him, don't you? But I can make sure you never have to lose him .
Ahsoka's looking at him like she's afraid of what he's going to think, and he's quick to take her hands in his, tracing her scars, although his mind is racing. He doesn't know what that voice is but he wants it out of her head. "Ahsoka, what is that?" he asks, holding eye contact, hoping to keep her focused on him, not on whatever the kriff is in her head.
"It's- he's…" She pauses, and Rex tightens his hands around hers, waiting. She makes a frustrated sound and pushes snippets of memory at him; he sees a planet that isn't quite natural , an ethereal woman (the Daughter, Ahsoka names her), and a darkness that has a face, pale and red and black (this is the voice, he realizes, Ahsoka calls him the Son ). There's a memory of General Skywalker controlling both of them, the Daughter and the Son, overpowering them with a fierce shout. With that he sees even more memories, ones he's not sure she meant to show: Ahsoka attacking Anakin with the same raw abandon she'd shown on Kadavo, a woman telling her there was a wildness to her, seeds of the Dark Side , a voice humming chains are the easy part , and a sudden feeling of power fleeing her and… and nothing . A feeling of being pulled back from an abyss and her Master's arms around her.
The memories answer his question, and tell him something else: his Jedi had died . The voice in her head, the Son , had killed her.
He reacts without planning; leaning in and pressing his forehead against hers, he floods her mind with anger and protectiveness and love, hoping to force that voice out . My Jedi, I love you.
...
Ahsoka closes her eyes, grabbing onto Rex's projection like it's a lifeline, her hands trembling in his. She wraps herself in his protective anger, his love, like armor, hoping it'll do something-
But she can't seem to push the cold away.
You think he is strong enough to unseat me, Avatar? I've been here since you first came to Mortis, since your Master first responded to my aging, weak Father's call. Nothing can get rid of me, unless I choose to leave. And I like you. The way the Son's voice curls around the last sentence makes her sick. And now look what you've done? You drug your Captain into this mess, and now he knows of your… unfortunate demise, and how my meddlesome Sister resurrected you. Does he know how the embodiment of Light died to save you?
"No, that's not true," Ahsoka gasps out, fighting back burning tears (Rex feels confused in the back of her mind, and she wonders if he can even hear most of the conversation). "You killed her-"
Did I? Now, now, Avatar, why would I kill my own Sister, whom I loved ? He very deliberately includes Rex in that projection, she notices.
She tries to counter him, but: You were me, for a time. You know how much I loved my Sister, and he's right she remembers the utter cold and the anger, the wrath, the fury of a hurricane, love like lightning, raw and powerful, that in the end consumed both him and his sister.
And Ahsoka realizes, then, that she doesn't know. She doesn't know what's right-what's wrong-everything is twisted, and she can't even feelRex anymore, surrounded by Darkness with a face, a name, thick and choking, and she's suffocating under a Will that is not her own, a vast, alien Presence that doesn't belong to her, and she's falling, utterly alone and lost in an endless expanse of nothing.
You are mine echoes around and around, reverberating through every thought until she can't form a coherent anything, can't even reach out to the presences she knows are supposed to be there, tied to her on warmly-glowing strings of love and the Force-and the moment she thinks that, the voice roars no!
No, and she can't-she can't-she reaches, but there's just nothingness, an overwhelming feeling of possession, and an Order she cannot refuse: your lightsabers.
Instinctively, she knows she can't, although she's not wholly sure why (a pitiful excuse of a slaver whispers you won't kill me), she won't, and she clings to that absolute as everything shatters.
...
Rex is flung out of her mind as shields like mountain ranges slam up between them, and her gentle blue eyes bleed into yellow. He tries to press back into her thoughts but their bond is suddenly hard to find, hard to access, and it's just him and she's shaking and there's a dangerous gleam in her eyes. There is something else here with them, taking her away, and this feels like all of his nightmares.
" Cyare , please," he says, running his hand over her cheek, around the back of her head, trying to pull her back, but there's not a response and he doesn't know what to do. There's nothing here to fight, it's just a dark salle and a silent voice and he's helpless .
Then suddenly he remembers the memory he'd seen, the moment of General Skywalker controlling both the Son and the Daughter - forcing this voice into submission.
He needs Anakin, now .
Gritting his teeth, he fits his arms around Ahsoka's trembling form and stands, holding her tight; he's a little afraid she'll try to fight him but she doesn't. Leaving her sabers and his blasters on the floor of the salle, he runs . Out of the training room, through the cool halls, his feet too loud on the metal floors. She's stiff in his arms and he can't feel anything from her anymore, and he'd forgotten what it feels like, not being able to feel her, and he has to get to Anakin .
He gets to Anakin's room, and of course he can't just walk in, Anakin has a lock on his door, so Rex kicks the door, dares to shout. "Anakin! General Skywalker! Wake up! "
The response is far readier than Rex had even hoped - the door hisses open and Anakin takes one look at them before stepping out of the way. "Put her on my bed. What the hell -" and then his face goes slack with horror and he actually grabs Ahsoka from Rex, carries her to his bed himself, and Rex starts pacing, probing at their distant bond. She has to come back, Anakin has to get her back.
Anakin rests his hand on her forehead, closes his eyes - and Ahsoka's mouth and eyes open, and for a moment Rex thinks it's already over, but her voice doesn't sound like her when she speaks - there's an echo behind it, deep and amused. "If it isn't the Chosen One!" She sits up, shrugging off Anakin's hands.
Rex could be sick . This isn't right and he doesn't know what to do because he's no Jedi, he's just a clone and he can't fight things like this. Please, General, please fix this .
"You're always so concerned about her - I don't know why, she's very strong. Stronger now that I have her - you needn't worry. She'll be safe from this war you've created, with me."
Anakin's jaw tightens. "Get out of her head," he says quietly, and Rex knows him well enough to recognize the dangerous kind of rage his General is concealing with that soft voice.
"Quite the temper you have, Chosen One - I'd forgotten. I would go, I really would, but she's been a wonderful host and I'd hate to leave without a proper thank you."
Rex curls his hands into fists, taps his right hand hard against his thigh. Ahsoka's eyes don't look right and the deep echo behind her voice makes something in him go cold . Please . He doesn't even know who he expects to be listening.
...
The Son.
Anakin clenches his jaw, his fists, anything and everything he can clench, wills himself not to respond.
But it's really karking hard.
"I was pretty sure you died on Mortis," he says, tries to keep his voice as level as he can (knows he's gone still and quiet and cold). "I'm honestly disappointed to be wrong."
"Oh, no, Chosen One-you're quite right. My original form perished, as did that of my Father and my Sister. But just as aspects of them live on, so do I. I left a seed of my essence within my chosen Avatar's mind, and when my first physical form died, my mind was pulled to that seed." The Son gestures, using Ahsoka's body like she's a puppet, and it takes every ounce of self-control he possesses to keep himself from snarling. "And voila! As soon as your apprentice drew on the Dark Side, I awakened-"
"Wait, what?" Anakin freezes, stares at those Sith-gold eyes, so wrong in his Padawan's face. "Ahsoka would never use the Dark Side. Never."
The Son smiles, cold and cruel and that same smirk he saw on the Zygerrian guards with their shock whips (and he swallows a scream, has tofocus, he can fall apart later), and it looks so wrong on Ahsoka's face. "That's what you think. But how much do you really know about what happened on Kadavo, Chosen One?" He pauses, just long enough for the question to sink in. "Oh, that's right- nothing. Because she doesn't trust you."
"That's a lie," but it's a weak protest (he remembers Ahsoka refusing to let him any deeper than the surface of his mind before they went to Kiros, remembers the way she keeps her shields up at all times, won't tell him about the memories, the nightmares, the flashbacks he knows she's having because he has them too) because what if it's not?
(And that little voice, the one he always tries to hide, the one that makes him want more than he should, whispers she doesn't trust you, just like Obi-Wan, just like the Council, she's just like the rest of the Jedi, and for the first time he can't quite tell it no.)
"Anakin," Rex says, sharp and urgent, "I'll tell you everything, just get him out of her head." He takes a shuddering breath (and that alone alerts Anakin that something's wrong ), says, "Can you feel her?"
He reaches for the training bond (maybe he can draw her out that way, can find her), and-nothing. "Shavit," he snarls (he can't take her away from him, he won't let him). "What have you done to her?"
The Son shrugs, the movement too elegant and fluid. "She is mine now."
Mine. Like he owns her. Mine. Like she's property.
"Wrong answer," Anakin growls, through gritted teeth, and he forces one hand open, holds it out in front of him, reaches for the familiar rushing power of the Force. "Get the karking hell out of my Padawan!"
Ahsoka's face contorts. "No!" the Son snarls, rabid and feral and wild, "She's mine!" and there's a disturbing layer of Ahsoka's voice underneath, and-
The anger all drains away, suddenly, leaving only calm certainty behind. He knows what he needs to do. "Enough," he says simply, and puts every shred of power he has into his voice, into that single word.
The Son wails.
And then Ahsoka's eyes (Ahsoka's eyes, blue and wide and unfocused) stare at him for a long, bewildered moment, before she simply… collapses.
It feels like all the energy's been drained out of her, like she can barely even breathe, and she knows Anakin and Rex are going to be losing their minds, so she reaches for the bonds, opens them both at the same time-a three-way comm call, almost.
I'm alright, she promises, just-no physical energy, all of a sudden.
...
When she goes limp, Rex jerks to a halt, everything feeling like it's stopped . "Soka?" he says, knowing he sounds strangled and desperate. Has helost her, after all that? He wants to pull her into his arms, feel for a pulse, but he lets Anakin do it instead - his General looks almost as scared as he feels, but then he puts his fingers against her wrist and sighs, closing his eyes for a second.
"She's fine, Rex," Anakin tells him, and Rex swallows back something approaching a sob, goes back to pacing. It's fine, she's not dead, Anakin got her back.
Then her presence brushes solid against his thoughts, no more stony shields, and he lets her in - and barely stops himself from flooding her mind with soothing love when he realizes she's communicating with Anakin, too.
He locks down his fear, too - neither of them need to feel that. Kriff, Ahsoka. I'm glad you're alright .
He's gone, Anakin's voice says, and Rex feels a little uncomfortable being at all privvy to his General's thoughts, but he hides that. He's completely gone, Snips. He won't be doing that again.
Rex feels that Ahsoka doesn't totally believe him, and he doesn't either except General Skywalker of all people would know what he was talking about.
You should thank your Captain for getting you here so fast , Anakin thinks, and Rex could swear there's a hint of amusement in the thought.
Ahsoka's focus does turn to him, and Rex shifts where he stands by Anakin's bed. Thank you, Rex, she thinks, and there's warmth and relief and a little residual fear. Really.
You're welcome, he thinks, finds he feels awkward suddenly. This kind of communication is supposed to be private but he can feel Anakin there too and it makes him nervous, sets his teeth on edge.
You need to sleep, Ahsoka, Anakin thinks, and he sends a questioning thought Rex's way. Can she stay with you?
Rex acquiesces quickly. He doesn't overthink it, and there isn't much teasing in Anakin's thoughts - his General is angry and worried.
"Thank you, General," he says out loud, trying for a professional salute and tone, although he's suddenly very aware that he's just in his blacks and boots and Anakin is shirtless and barefoot.
"Of course, Captain," Anakin says, smiling a little.
...
Ahsoka is more than okay with staying with Rex, though she tries to keep that feeling under wraps so Anakin can't catch it. His mind is more open to hers than it's been since… well, since before Kiros, even, and the shielding is harder.
Maybe that's why she catches a brief impression of another bond tied to his mind, one that's decidedly not his training bond with Master Obi-Wan.Master, did you go straight home after Kadavo and bond with Padme? she asks, and only then realizes Rex can still hear. "Shavit," she says aloud.
At least she didn't say with your wife.
There's a long, drawn-out silence, and then Rex says, "If you want, sir, I can pretend I didn't hear any of that."
"I'd… appreciate that, thanks Rex," Anakin says. "The Code-"
"Forbids attachment and you can be expelled from the Order, I know, sir," Rex says.
Ahsoka thinks he doesn't realize that he's just confirmed everything. She closes down her training bond with Anakin with a rush of warm gratitude, a silent thank you for everything he's just done (and everything else he's done for her, really), reaches for Rex. What happened to my 'sabers? The Son wanted me to call them, but I couldn't .
...
They're back in the salle, with my blasters . We can get them if you want .
Thanks. Ahsoka sits up and Rex and Anakin both say, "Don't!" at the same time.
"I'm fine," she grumbles. "I can walk, I'm not injured."
Rex doesn't hide his disbelief from her, just follows her to the door of Anakin's room, ready to offer his support the second she needs it. Anakin grabs his shoulder just before he leaves (and Rex does not flinch), saying softly, "You're still going to tell me about Kadavo." It's not quite a request, more a reminder that Rex had promised. Rex hides that from Ahsoka, nods.
"I am, sir."
Anakin lets go of him, dips his head respectfully. "Goodnight, Captain. Snips, please promise to rest ?"
Ahsoka mumbles "I promise," and she and Rex leave Anakin's room. They're quiet as they walk back to the salle, mostly because there's not really anything to say. Rex keeps his thoughts from straying to how scared he was or how wrong it had felt or how he knows now that he almost lost her.
They get her sabers back, and Rex picks up his blasters, glad to have them again. Only a few steps after they leave the salle, though, he feels Ahsoka getting tired, her steps getting heavier, and she's swaying. He doesn't ask permission before lifting her unceremoniously into his arms - because she won't give it, she'll just say she's fine and then almost fall over - and carrying her back to his room. She protests, of course - I'm fine, Rex, honestly, this is ridiculous - but he ignores her, sends back a pulse of exasperated affection. When they get to his room, he lays her down ever so gently on his bed and sets his blasters down next to his armor, peels off his boots. Go to sleep, Soka , he thinks, because she's thinking too loudly.
I'm trying. She's annoyed at him, but he doesn't really care. She's here and not dead and that thing is out of her head and he's just glad that this time he didn't lose her.
He eases into the bed facing her, pulls his blanket over both of them, and traces his fingers over her cheek. Her eyes are blue again and he loves that blue, feels like he can be sure it's really her.
She should sleep, but he lets himself tilt her chin up so he can kiss her, slow and lazy and relieved . You're safe, Ahsoka, he thinks, and it's half to reassure himself, really.
I thought you wanted me to sleep, she thinks, although since she's kissing him back she can't mind too much. You're not helping.
He pulls back and her displeasure at that is definite, but without bite. You're right. Sorry.
I hate you, she thinks, and he sighs softly and puts an arm around her waist, shifting closer to her.
I don't care, just go to sleep.
Her presence is safe and reassuring and he finds himself drifting towards sleep too, arm automatically tightening around her so he can be sure no one can take her away from him. Not tonight.
...
Rex holds her close and she smiles, even though she can still see her nightmares lurking in the back of her mind (Shiel, that was his name, and she'll treasure that revelation), even though she's still cold and small and scared, even though she's still just waiting for the Son's voice to return, to cut her off again, to leave her alone.
Don't leave me, she pleads with Rex, on the edge of sleep, even though she doesn't want to be-she's exhausted in the wake of the Son's possession of her, can barely keep her eyes open even though she doesn't want to close them. No shields tonight, please .
She feels a hum of assent from Rex, and understanding, and she gratefully curls up in his mind, luxuriating in the feel of him. It's alright, Soka, I'm here, he promises, wrapping her in his love, and she lets out a soft huff of air.
How'd you know to take me to Anakin? she asks, even though the question really isn't that important, because she's curious.
In response, he shows her a flash of memory-Anakin snarling On. Your. Knees! and both Son and Daughter letting go of her and Master Obi-Wan, shifting back to humanoid form, kneeling before him.
Oh.
Is he really married to the Senator? Rex asks.
Ahsoka laughs, nestles her face into his chest, letting his closeness fill her with a languid comfort she only ever feels here, in his arms. Since the first battle of Geonosis. I'm the only one who knows officially.
She feels Rex chuckle, his chest rumbling beneath her montrals. So that's why you put so many credits into the betting pool.
Well, I wasn't going to let the opportunity get away from me… She trails off, content just to be, to just breathe. I love you, Rex.
The last thing she hears before sleep finally overcomes her is his answering, I love you, too.
Mando'a translations:
cyare: beloved