Yep, another evil plot bunny that wouldn't leave me alone. :P This is my take on the restaurant scene from Open and Shut. I don't own any of the House characters, but I might have stolen the transvestite and had my wicked way with him/her.
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House glanced at his watch as he paced around outside the restaurant. It was nearly eight o'clock, and the person he had hired as part of the prank had yet to show.
It would be an epic prank, House was sure of that. The expressions on Wilson's and Sam's faces would be priceless…if this person would just show up.
Finally he spotted a tall figure in high heels trotting down the street toward him, and House let out a sigh of relief. Now the games could safely begin.
"Sorry I'm late." The person spoke in a throaty voice, leaning in to attempt to brush a kiss to House's cheek.
"Whoa, no touchy." House immediately backed away. "That wasn't part of the deal. Come on."
The pair entered the restaurant, and the host met them with an odd expression. House gestured toward Wilson's and Sam's table with his cane. "We're with them."
"Of course, sir." He nodded, glancing at House's date with a curious look. "Madam."
House approached the table as if nothing was out of the ordinary, delighting in the pained expression on Wilson's face and the slightly stunned and confused expression on Sam's. Served him right, House thought. After Wilson's impromptu 'proposal', House had been wracking his brains for a good response. Sam's recent reappearance provided both opportunity and additional motive.
"So…" Sam met House and his date with a warm smile. "How did you two meet?"
House found himself scrambling a little. This wasn't part of the plan. He had seriously underestimated the woman.
"Would you believe the free clinic at Princeton-Plainsboro?" His date spoke up.
Sam's brow crinkled ever so slightly, and Wilson squinted. "Never in a million years." Wilson responded carefully. "House doesn't usually hang around the clinic long enough to see a patient."
"Oh, it wasn't easy, honey, believe me." House's date went on. "I had this terrible pain in the ball of my foot. I tried everything, but it just wouldn't let up. I was nearly hobbling." She reached across and patted Sam's hand. "I know you understand where I'm coming from."
Sam smiled ever so slightly as House's date continued the story. "At any rate, I limp into the clinic, and who do I see but this tall, gray and handsome fellow right here." She turned and smiled at House, placing a hand over his. "One look into those baby blues and I knew he was the one. And so…here we are."
House had to give his date credit for her…his quick thinking. He returned the touch, fixing his date with an amused expression. "Indeed, here we are."
"Well, isn't that sweet?" Sam looked equal parts amused and confused. She nudged Wilson. "James, isn't that nice?"
"Very nice." Wilson looked skeptical as the waitress brought them their meals and they dug in.
The rest of the evening went as any normal evening would, and House's date and Sam seemed to warm up to each other, chatting amicably.
House and Wilson, meanwhile, ate in awkward silence. The prank fest seemed to have come to a screeching halt, and House couldn't help but wonder if he had finally gone too far. By all indications, Wilson and Sam seemed…okay.
Maybe House had been wrong about her. Maybe things really had changed. And maybe pigs would fly.
House swallowed the bite in his mouth before breaking the silence. "Looks like our dates are bonding."
"Looks that way." Wilson barely glanced up, seemingly absorbed in his meal. He gave Sam a sideways glance before leaning in toward House. "A transvestite? Seriously, House?" He hissed.
House merely shrugged and returned to his meal. It appeared he had indeed gone one prank too far. He wasn't even sure anymore what he had hoped to accomplish.
Finally the waitress showed up with the checks, and both men slapped down their respective credit cards to cover their share. Once the bill was paid, they all rose from the table to end the evening.
"It was very nice to meet you…" Sam trailed off, and it occurred to House that he hadn't bothered to formally introduce his date.
"Malina." His date smiled warmly and extended her large hand. "And it was a delight to meet you." Her eyes flicked to Wilson, and she gave him a flirtatious smile. "And doubly so to meet you. I had no idea Greg had such a handsome friend."
Wilson looked as if he wished a hole would open up in the floor under him as Malina stepped toward Wilson to give him a quick squeeze and a kiss on the cheek. "I hope we get to do this again. I had a lovely time." She told them cheerfully before hooking her arm into House's.
House nodded his good nights, doing his best to suppress a smirk. Wilson's reaction at Malina's friendly gesture made the whole thing worthwhile. He once again admired her ability to think on her feet.
It was almost too bad the evening was coming to an end. House imagined he and Malina could have a blast messing with people all over Princeton. But a deal was a deal. Dinner with friends was all they had agreed on, and that was that.
Malina slipped her arm out of House's almost as soon as they were outside, letting out a long breath. "Well, that was fun." She flashed a quick smile at House. "I don't suppose our deal includes a good night kiss."
"Uh, no." House shifted uncomfortably.
"Hmm, too bad." Malina tilted her head. "I meant everything I said in there, you know."
"You mean about the pain in your foot?" House quickly deflected. "Yeah, I guess no one told you that guys aren't meant to wear high heels. Switch to flats."
Malina laughed heartily, a deep, rich sound that didn't match her persona. "No, silly. I meant the tall and handsome part." She stepped closer to him, almost eye to eye with House in her heels. "And you do have the bluest eyes I've ever seen."
House froze in his spot, his heart thumping in his chest. "I'm not paying you to flirt with me." He growled.
"Frankly, honey, for what you paid me, you could get a hell of a lot more than flirting." Malina told him. "That is…if you're interested."
House had to admit his curiosity was piqued, just a little. Malina possessed a quick mind, and as a result, the evening had been a good time so far, for the most part. Suddenly the idea of going home sounded less and less appealing.
He let out a short huff and thumped his cane on the concrete. "When you say more than flirting…just what exactly does that entail?"
"Whatever you want it to." Malina flashed him a quick smile. "It's your dime, sweetheart." She gestured down the street. "There's a nice little place down the way. Maybe you'd like to buy us a couple of drinks and think about it a little."
House debated with himself briefly. There was no harm in drinks, he supposed. "After you, my lady."
Malina sniffed and tilted her chin in a gesture of mock offense. "Such a gentleman."
They soon entered the nearby bar and found a table. Malina ordered a vodka and cranberry while House ordered his usual bourbon.
When the drinks arrived, she took a delicate sip before looking across the table at House. "So, did you accomplish your mission?"
House smiled a little as he played with his glass. "Yeah, I guess. Wilson didn't give nearly as much reaction as I expected, but…yeah, it was good." He met Malina's chocolate brown eyes with his own blues. "You…you were totally on the ball. Where the hell did you come up with that clinic story?"
Malina shrugged, a little smile playing around her lips. "Totally improv."
"Meaning you just pulled it out of your ass."
Malina laughed. "Exactly."
House raised his glass, and the two clinked glasses almost as a toast to each other. "Well played, sir…or ma'am, as the case may be."
"Thank you." Malina smiled in response and took a sip of her drink. "So…why the elaborate scheme? Not that it's any of my business, of course."
House shrugged casually. "Just another battle in mine and Wilson's long-standing prank war. We've been at it for years."
Malina narrowed her eyes at him. "This is more than a little prank. A little prank would have been hiring me to jump out of a cake. Are you sure there isn't more to the story?"
House glared at her. "Like you said, it's none of your business."
"Of course." Malina finished off her drink and set the glass on the table. She rested her chin on her hand and studied House.
House drained his bourbon and flagged the waitress down for one more round, feeling a bit like Malina was staring into his soul. Finally he huffed irritably, folding his hands together and resting them on the table.
"Fine, you want to hear the whole story?" Malina nodded mutely, and House continued. "Sam, the woman you so totally bonded with, is Mrs. Wilson number one. They were married and divorced before Wilson and I ever met. Somehow she found him on Facebook and 'friended' him. By that, of course, I mean that she stalked and hounded him until he agreed to meet her. Imagine my surprise when Wilson actually started dating her again."
Malina threw House a skeptical look, and House rolled his eyes. "Fine, maybe I was exaggerating about the stalking thing. But she still managed to worm her way back into Wilson's life." His eyes dropped to his hands. "He's so goddamn lonely and screwed up that he'll hook up with anyone."
"Are you sure we're still talking about Wilson?" Malina asked him gently.
House lifted his eyes, a bit of something stabbing at him, something he couldn't identify. "Well, yeah. Who else would I be talking about?"
"I don't know." Malina answered. "Why don't you tell me?"
House quickly finished his second drink and flagged down the waitress to pay the tab. "Sorry. Time's up."
If House didn't know better, he'd say he caught a flash of disappointment in Malina's eyes. The transvestite simply shrugged and finished her own drink. "As you wish."
House found himself engaging in internal debate again, without really knowing why. It wasn't as if Malina made a particularly attractive woman, and he wasn't interested in the man beneath the make-up.
Still, she was a lively, engaging character, and House had enjoyed her company despite her uncanny ability to read him. Maybe…
No. This was ridiculous. He was paying her to play a joke on his friend, to mess with Wilson's mind. Paying her for anything else…well, that was a new low, even for House.
"You're still thinking about this." Malina's voice broke into his thoughts.
"Not much to think about." House answered with a casual air he didn't feel. "I hired you for a job, you did a job, job's over. End of story."
"Hmm." Malina looked thoughtful. "Well, alright then. I'll just be going." She flashed him a winsome smile. "It's been a pleasure doing business with you."
Before House could respond, he felt a set of lips press against his. It wasn't an altogether unpleasant sensation. That surprised him.
The kiss ended almost as quickly as it had begun, and House managed to collect his thoughts.
"Something amiss?" Malina nearly chirped at him. "You look a little…shocked."
"A guy dressed as a girl just kissed me in public." House answered. "I think I'm entitled to a little shock."
"And who wouldn't want to kiss you?" Malina smiled sweetly. "You're an attractive man, honey. Get over it." She leaned in a little closer. "So…what do you say? Care to get a little more for your money?"
House considered it a little further. He was sure Malina was just flattering him. All part of the persona, all part of the job he had hired her to do. At the same time, his curiosity at who might really be underneath the make-up was growing.
"Fine." House finally relented. "But not my place. Wilson and the soulless harpy are probably getting it on as we speak. All that screeching doesn't exactly make for great background music."
"My place it is, then." Malina produced a business card and a pen from her purse and scribbled an address on the back of it. "I'll see you in a few."
House stared down at the business card, barely registering the name on the front before turning it over to study the address. He let out a low whistle. Nice neighborhood. Apparently House was in the wrong line of work.
He climbed into his old beater and found his way to the address Malina had given him. The house was elegant without being ostentatious, and House pulled up in front and shut off the engine.
A BMW pulled into the driveway not long after, and House spotted Malina stepping out and making her way to the door. House climbed out of his own car and met her just before she opened it.
"Well hello, handsome." She all but purred. "Fancy meeting you here."
If she wanted to continue playing the game, House would, too. "I was kind of thinking the same thing."
Malina laughed and let them in, and House closed the door behind him. Malina immediately turned around, lightly pressing her body against House's and lightly touching her lips to his.
The more rational part of House's brain overrode his curiosity, and he shook his head as he pushed her away. "Okay, look…this is…" He waved his hand around. "I don't know. I think maybe I should go. The whole guy-as-a-girl thing is kind of messing with my head."
"It's nothing but an illusion." Malina gently took one of House's hands in hers. Her hand was large, smooth, warm, her touch oddly soothing. "I can keep it or discard it. Up to you." She smiled warmly. "It's still your dime, McDreamy."
House finally nodded. "Let's see what you look like under all that. Been kind of curious anyway."
Malina squeezed his hand and turned away, stepping carefully down the hallway and disappearing. House could feel himself getting edgy as he waited for her to return as a him.
He soon heard footsteps padding down the hall, and Malina returned in loose-fitting jeans and a black t-shirt that had clearly seen better days. He was a couple of inches shorter without the heels, with a slender build, shaggy dark brown hair sticking up all over his head.
What had made a slightly odd looking woman made for a not entirely hideous man. House was somewhat impressed by the transformation.
"So that's what you really look like." He commented casually. "Huh."
"Is that all you have to say?" The other man teased House.
House shrugged, glancing away from the deep brown eyes that still bored through him. "You don't look the way I thought you would."
"I hope that's not a bad thing." He answered lightly.
"No." House shook his head, his nerves jangling as the other man came closer. "Uh, you got a name to go with this persona?"
"Matt."
"Okay…Matt." House tried to gather his thoughts and failed. "So…now what?"
"Whatever you want." Matt's voice took on a sultry tone that sent a slight shiver through House. He leaned in closer so that his lips nearly touched House's ear. "I've been told I give some fairly excellent blow jobs if that's your thing."
House took that under consideration. A blow job was a blow job, right? It didn't matter who he got that from. "How much is that going to cost me?"
"Not a thing, honey." Matt murmured. "On the house."
That settled it for House. He nodded firmly. "Let's do this."
Matt took House's hand and led him to the couch, allowing House to ease himself into the soft cushions. It was ridiculously comfortable, and House allowed a small sigh to escape him.
The other man laughed softly and leaned into House, dropping a light kiss on his lips. "I haven't even done anything yet. Wait until I start working on you."
Matt's lips were on House's again, the kiss deepening and lingering, his hands moving to the waistband of House's pants and unfastening them. He could hear the zipper slide down, and he lifted his hips just enough to allow Matt to tug down his pants and boxers.
House broke away just long enough to stop Matt from pulling them down much further. "That's far enough. Just do your thing."
Matt's lips quirked upward as he slid down to kneel in between House's legs, those brown eyes never breaking contact. He took House's shaft in his hand and started stroking slowly, his thumb caressing the underside while he squeezed with his remaining fingers.
House tilted his head back and closed his eyes, shutting out the fact that a man was giving him such exquisite pleasure. Logically, it made sense. A man should know what felt good to another man. House simply found it illogical that he was enjoying it so much.
He felt Matt tugging at his pants and boxers again, and House opened his eyes with a short sigh. "I told you that was far enough."
Matt's eyes shifted between House's face and House's cock, frowning slightly as he continued to stroke and caress it, brushing his thumb near his balls.
House's breath caught in his throat at the move. Even with that, he still managed to croak out, "What's with the face?"
Matt shrugged, and House could have sworn the man was almost pouting. "I could do more for you if your clothes weren't in the way."
House resisted at first. If his pants dropped any further, the massive scar would be exposed.
Finally he huffed irritably and pulled them down until they dropped around his ankles. "Watch the leg."
"Furthest thing from my mind, sweetness." Matt ran one hand up the inside of House's thigh before running his tongue over the head of House's shaft.
Before House could react, the other man swallowed his cock whole, and he could feel it slide all the way down Matt's throat. The man wasn't bragging. He was good.
House moaned and spread himself further, and Matt kept going, sucking and swallowing until House thought he was going to come undone.
Matt cupped House's balls and gently squeezed, and that did it for House. He let loose with a loud groan, clutching at the couch cushions as he came hard down Matt's throat, shaking as he finally came down.
He opened his eyes to see Matt leaning over him, dropping a quick kiss on House's lips. "Mmm…delicious."
House's breathing and heart rate finally slowed, his rational thoughts coming back to the surface. "Yeah…" He answered slowly. "That was…good."
Matt arched an eyebrow at him. "Only good? I'm offended."
"You're right." House admitted. "It was somewhat better than good. Closer to mindblowing."
"That's more like it." Matt's expression changed to a wide smile as he kissed House again.
House suddenly felt awkward. He wasn't sure what the protocol was in this particular situation. "I…guess our time's up."
"Right." Matt sighed and pushed himself to his feet while House pulled up his boxers and pants and refastened them.
House was nearly to the door when Matt's voice stopped him. "I had a good time with you tonight."
House snorted derisively. "I paid you to have a good time."
"No, you paid me to screw with your best friend." Matt reminded him as he crossed the room to meet House at the door. "You didn't pay me for anything else."
"So the rest of it was what, like…a date?"
A tiny smirk spread across Matt's face. "I don't know. You tell me."
House rolled his eyes and turned to exit. "See ya."
"Hold on." A surprisingly strong hand gripped House's arm. He turned around, and Matt stuck something in the pocket of his suit jacket.
"What's this?" House pulled the card out of his pocket.
"My card."
"Now why would you want to give me your card?" House asked.
"Just in case you find yourself in need of another killer blow job." Matt answered casually. "Or if you need someone to fill out a double date."
House couldn't help smiling at that. "I could get a cheaper blow job elsewhere."
Matt stepped closer, nearly touching House and brushing his lips against House's. "But you won't get a better one."
"Probably true." House murmured. He stuck the card back in his suit jacket. "I'll just…hold on to this. Just in case."
"Good." Matt practically purred. "I'll be seeing you, Doc Hottie."
House turned and opened the door, pausing briefly. "So…if I call…who do I ask for?"
"Malina or Matt." Matt answered. "Depends on what you're in the mood for."
House nodded slowly. "I'll keep that in mind."
"Please do." Matt suddenly reached out and wrapped a hand around House's neck, pulling him down and pressing a long, slow, lingering kiss to his lips.
House found himself succumbing again, and when they separated, he found himself saying…
"I'll call you."
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