Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight
Understanding
"Being a vampire must be kind of annoying" I said glancing up at Edward as he sat on my bed behind me, playing with a few strands of my hair.
"That's an understatement," he muttered, chuckling humourlessly. "What's brought this on? Are you changing your mind?" His expression changed, now half-hopeful and half worried.
"No, no, of course not." I said quickly, both to reassure him and to stop him seizing the chance to make the same arguments against me becoming a vampire that I'd heard a hundred times. "I didn't mean it like that."
"Then what did you mean?" His brow furrowed in confusion, as it often did when he couldn't make sense of my train of thought.
"Well," I began, "you and Alice and Rosalie, and…well, all of you, you're all so perfect. There isn't anything that you can't do." I looked up at him expectantly. He shook his head, still not seeing my point. "Ok, it's like this. Do you remember that time I watched you and Alice play chess? And you played the whole game out in your heads. Doesn't it ever bother you? Watching humans play chess, for example, and knowing that you could so easily beat them all? But not just that. Anyone of you could be a model, or a singer, or an actor, or a sports player, or anything! And you would do it so much better than all of the humans that get all the appreciation for it!" He regarded me for a long moment.
"That's a good question." He finally said. "And I have two answers for you."
"I'm listening," I encouraged after he was silent for a minute.
"The first is simple. For obvious reasons we cannot become well known, recognisable figures. Once we're in the public eye, it would be almost impossible to escape it. There would be consequences." I nodded, slightly embarrassed that I hadn't thought of what was such an evident answer myself.
"The second" he continued, "is so much more complex." He frowned. "I'm worried that I won't explain it right, though." I put a hand to his cold cheek.
"Surely by now you must have realised that nothing you do could scare me away." He smiled at me tenderly.
"Oh, I don't doubt that, even if it would be better if it wasn't true. I just don't want to insult you." I rolled my eyes. As if he ever could! "Ok then. I'll do my best. First of all, you have to remember Bella that we are not just hardier humans, nor are we just the creatures of horror stories. We are a completely different species. Even for vampires that can be complicated to remember when we appear so similar, but it's true. That in itself should answer your question to an extent." I frowned in confusion.
"I don't see how." I was sure I would feel very stupid when he told me, but the burning curiosity always would take over the embarrassment.
"It's like how you would never think to compete with a dog or a chimpanzee."
"True. But Fido the puppy couldn't even begin to overtake someone like Madonna in the charts, could he. It would be physically impossible for him." Edward nodded.
"Perhaps that was a bad example. Perhaps I should have said a child. Most parents wouldn't compete against their child with any intention to win." I nodded thoughtfully.
"So is that how you see us then? As children?" He grimaced.
"It's more complicated than that. And it's not something I've ever felt. No one in my family has. I don't know if it's the result or the reason of our choice of lifestyle, but it is another area where we differ from most vampires, one that I didn't even notice until Jasper and Alice arrived. Jasper had some questions for Carlisle you see, although this was not a conversation that I bore witness to. Jasper wanted to know why we did what we did – only drinking the blood of animals, that is. He'd always put his own dislike of killing down to his gift and he couldn't understand why the rest of us felt the same way. Carlisle told him it was a way of thinking, one that each of us had reached in our own way. You see, most of my kind see humans as lesser beings. I imagine you understand that better than I, with your insane regard for us. Unless they're thirsty, they pay humans no more mind than you would a flock of pigeons in the street. If you truly believe that, then it seems nothing to take that life away." He glanced down at me warily.
"But you said that your family doesn't think like that." I reminded him, instead of reassuring that he hadn't offended me in any way. "Why doesn't it bother you?" He sighed.
"I've told you that none of us want to be vampires. If we had any way to become human again, we would. To my mind at least Bella, we are secondary to humans. We don't belong in your world. When our abilities our undeserved and unnatural, how could it be right to defeat a person who has worked hard to be as good as they are? Aside from the fact that it wouldn't be fair, we don't have that privilege." I shook my head, ready to vehemently deny all that he'd just said.
"Edward, that's not-" He put a finger to my lips.
"Bella, I know you don't think that's how it is, but it's what I think. What my whole family thinks. And you're not ever going to know what that feels like. You're choosing to become a vampire. I'm learning to accept that, but I'm not ever going to pretend to understand it. I just hope that fifty years from now you don't have the same regrets that I do." I pushed his finger away.
"Edward, I could never regret anything that pulled me closer to you. Never."
"Even if being closer to me pulls you closer to Hell too? And I do mean that in every sense of the word." I shook my head.
"How could it be Hell if I'm with you?" I reached my head up so that I could press my lips to his. He returned it as eagerly as he ever did, and we spent the rest of the afternoon just enjoying each other's company, all conversation staying light.
I knew I hadn't convinced him of anything, just as he knew my mind was still set. But we had each furthered our understanding of each other, so I never felt as if I'd lost our discussion.