Puppy Love

Cloudincia Portagate

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Authors Notes: This started as a second person fic, and I changed it in accordance with our host's rules. If I missed anything I'm very sorry.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist

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I am a dog. And so is my mother. This would make sense, but my mother is a dog of the military, and I'm just a dog. A black and white, stocky and rather young dog, to be accurate. But she saved me from almost certain stir-fry, and now I worship her. Her office is my office, her couch is mine, her lap…isn't my lap, but it's a nice place to curl up.

I'm currently sitting on the floor near 'my' office staring at a door, which is shut. It is the door which leads to the man I hate, and I hate him because my mother loves him. Reverse logic? Not at all. Riza Hawkeye loves Roy Mustang and I, Black Hayate, my mother's constant companion, have no place in that relationship. At home it used to be about me, but now it's 'Roy, Roy, Roy,' all the time. And so I decided; either he goes, or I do.

My plan is to sabotage his office and thereby force Riza to choose between him and me, but there's one problem: the door is closed, and there's no way I can open it. The colonel isn't likely to leave it open on his lunch break, when any jealous subordinate could come in, is he? I growl at the door, and try to scare it into opening, but it stays stubbornly shut. I back up, and let out a small yap as someone nearly steps on my tail.

Breda leaps into the air like a rocket, and I start on strategy 2, pawing impatiently at the door. Tentatively he reaches for the handle, opens the door, and slams it shut behind my. The room stinks of Roy, despite the houseplants in the corners. So where to begin? The desk would be a good place… It takes a combination of frenzied jumping, biting, scratching, kicking and climbing to get on to the desk, but the ruined woodwork is quite satisfying. I see the gloves lying on the table, and shred them in my teeth while wagging my tail contentedly, causing piles of meticulously organized, but unread paperwork to be scattered all over the floor. Following the gloves I put paid to the pens lying around the place, and merrily stamp paw prints all over the gloves. I know they're only a spare, but it's the thought that matters. That done, I launch yourself at my next target.

The seats of the couch are wonderfully buoyant, and I bounce happily a few times before thinking about what a nice place it would be to settle down for a nap. But, I remind myself, it's only midday. Lunchtime, in fact. Lunchtime…but Riza always takes me for a walk at lunchtime. I always mark my territory then; there's a nasty Amestrian Shepherd kept by one of the entry guards who I'm currently in a fight with on that score. I decide to mark Roy's office as my territory, and urinate all over the seat I'm standing on. I painstakingly shred the seat next to me, and distribute the bits of stuffing all over the room. I have to admit that getting stuffing onto potted plants is a feat for a dog my size. I doubt Roy will appreciate the effort though. I contemplate knocking over a few of the plants, but at that moment the door opens.

I have time to register Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist, before a fireball comes speeding towards me, lighting all the papers I redistributed earlier. That's one way of getting work done. Riza appears behind Roy, and I run out of my cover behind the plant, and sit almost on her feet. She kneels down to stroke me, and seems glad that I survived almost being made into charcoal briquette. "Hawkeye," Roy yells, "your dog has wrecked my office, do not comfort it!"

"Sir, I'm sure Black Hayate was just bored, being shut in your office, he's not used to it".

"Hawkeye," Roy begins to shout again, but the anger fades as he looks at her. He sighs and decides to deal with this rationally. He sits on the un-ruined couch seat. Then he yelps, stands, and shrieks again when he discovers what I've done. I look at my mother, who is standing again, and see that she is barely masking laughter. "HAWKEYE!" I growl protectively and step forward, but skitter back hurriedly as his foot comes down where I was.

"Yes, sir?" Hawkeye says, effectively diffusing his anger in a single phrase.

Roy continues in a calm voice, though I know he's furious underneath his façade. "Lieutenant Hawkeye, your dog has wrecked my office and my uniform, I am holding you responsible for his behavior and will pay for repairs from your paycheck, do you understand?"

"Yes, Sir," Riza snaps a sharp salute, "Black Hayate shall be trained not to be bored in future"

"Lieutenant Hawkeye, this is a serious matter," Mustang yells, fury getting the better of him. I twitch your ear as I hear people outside the door wondering what is going on in their Colonel's office. I feel the overwhelming desire to embarrass the man in front of his subordinates. Looking up at the pair, I notice how close they're standing…

I leap on the back of Mustang's leg just as he opens his mouth to say something else. His leg bends as expected , and he falls against my mother. She squeaks. I run pell mell to the door and start scratching and whining for the future onlookers to open it. They do. I glance up to check what they're seeing and wag my tail as I hear their mouths falling open at the sight of Roy Mustang kissing Risa Hawkeye. Then Roy glares and I decide to remove myself.

I let yourself into my apartment by way of a cat flap the previous owner of the apartment conveniently put there for me. Then I take a nap; I may have just sabotaged my mother or her superior's career, and that can take it out of a dog, even a puppy like me. I'm awakened by Riza coming home. She's smiling in a rather mischievous way, and gives me a biscuit for no available reason. "He's coming to supper," she says. I remember Mustang's parting look, and hear Havoc's voice saying 'dogs taste good stir-fried.'