'Good Mourning Cuddy' enunciated House, 'and how is the happy Mom?'

'I'm not pregnant House, and bad; we've got a new patient and they aren't being cooperative.'

'Oh do tell,' House sat down at his desk and propped his feet up right next to Cuddy's pencil skirt-wrapped behind.

'It's someone who calls himself Batman,' Cuddy paused to flick a piece of hair out of her eyes, 'he says he's having trouble seeing and his eye hurts but he is refusing to take of the mask he was wearing when he came in. Worse, his only relative, if you can call him that, is an old man who claims to be his butler.'

House grabbed the file and walked out of his office, pausing only to lean back pn his cane and give Cuddy a wink and exclaim 'sounds like a good one.'

Thirteen and Taub were already clustered around the dark robed figure and clutching clipboards when House arrived. Thirteen was inching her hand towards the man's face but each time she got too near he would let out a low, unintelligible grunt.

'House,' she straightened up, 'blood levels and insulin seem normal so it's not diabetes affecting his eyesight but his symptoms seem to match the classic signs.' House brushed past her and slammed his cane on the bedside table, knocking of the small bag of bourbons that Alfred had carefully placed there earlier. 'So Mr Batman' thrilled House, 'been hanging out in any caves lately?' Batman stared silently at him. 'I'm serious, this isn't a joke, the ammonia in bat wee is pretty potent, and you might have all sorts of problems because of it.' Batman remained silent.

'Fine,' House strolled over to the table that housed the TV and a small fruit bowl. He picked up a spare cardboard sick tray and held it over his face. 'Why the mask, Bat Boy?'

'I'm disguising my identity to protect the ones I love. You wouldn't understand.'

'You know what I don't understand?' said House, 'You're voice with that mask on. Thirteen, get him some water, he sounds like he's just gargled with twenty razor blades.' He picked up a small apple and began tossing it up and down as Thirteen hurried out of the room. 'You need to cut back on the smoking Buddy,' he turned to Taub, 'have we screened him for cancer.'

'No abnormal cells' confirmed Taub.

'Did you screen him?'

'Yes House,' Taub sighed, 'but maybe we should actually look at his eye?'

'I can't let you do that' rasped Batman. 'I can't trust anyone, not even my doctors.'

'Now sir,' Alfred leaned forwards, hands behind his back, 'this is a very respected Doctor, he can help. House smirked to himself.

'Well I could help of he took his mask off.' Batman grunted.

House stalked out of the room and barged into Cuddy's office. He whacked her mobile out her hands and quickly pressed end call.

'House!'

'Whoops,' he leaned against her desk. 'Here's the plan,' he said, ignoring her angry glances, 'you go into his room and take your top off. If Talia can woo him like that then you certainly can. Then when he is distracted, take off the mask.'

'What!?'

'And I get to see you topless, which is a bonus.'

'House,' Cuddy sighed, 'remember what we were talking about last week. Professionalism. Right now, you don't have it.'

Thirteen poked her head through the open door and held up a black mask. 'Solved it.'

House sat up straighter. 'Well?'

'You're not going to believe this,' said Thirteen, her lips quirking into a smile, 'he decided to spruce up his mask by putting on eyeliner. He got make up in his eye.'