Static Confessions
By Arjun Jayaraman
Rain pounded the windows of his room. Lightning flashed in brilliant streaks of jagged light and thunder boomed like war drums. He sat in the corner furthest from the window, as if he was scared of being hit by lighting, although he right now he welcomed lightning to strike him with its full force. He got up and stared at the floor to ceiling mirror in front of him. It showed him a haggard young boy, with scratches on his face and with even more serious slashes on his arms. His clothes were torn and ripped in various places, and tears flowed freely down his rough cheeks. He held a Swiss army knife in his right arm, drenched in blood, dripping goblets of crimson blood. Evelyn was his whole life; he had lived for her, and lived only because of her. Because of some stupid incident between him and some other guy that Evelyn cared about, Evelyn had broke up with him. Their relationship had lasted more than 5 years, and he had showered 5 years worth of unconditional love on Evelyn. And in 5 seconds, Evelyn had considered his love void, with 3 simple words on the phone- "we're breaking up."
When he had heard those 3 words, it was as if the whole world had come crashing down upon him, and it was as if he was the only one left in this world, it was as if all the happiness in the world had vanished. He had reduced himself to nothing more than a rat since then, slashing himself furiously with his father's Swiss army knife until the colour of his skin had turned red, until he lost all feeling in his hand. He let the blood run, a living reminder to how much pain Evelyn had caused him, on the inside and the outside. His heart was shattered into a million pieces. He felt he was going crazy, he felt as if the whole world was coming to an end. Everywhere he saw, he saw Evelyn's beautiful face, that same face who had looked at him with such love the previous day, the same face which he had plastered all over his room, the same face which was on his computer's desktop. It was her that told him "I love you" everyday; she was the only person who made him felt really loved at least by someone. And now, she was gone. Now it was just a journey of pain and suffering back up to a normal life where there wouldn't be any Evelyn at all. Just no one but the bullies who stuffed his head down the trash can every afternoon, the bullies that plastered faces of famous gays in his locker, and bullies who made him feel that life wasn't really worth living, its just a ride of suffering and constant pain. Because of the bullies, his dignity was often shattered. But that was not the point. It was nothing, but nothing.
He felt more sadness than anger, because he was responsible for all the things that had made Evelyn break up with him. He had changed his attitude; he had bothered the person whom Evelyn cared about. Along the relationship of five years he had cared about Evelyn so much that he had lost all his other friends, all his other companions who were really there for him when he needed them. He thought Evelyn was the only one in the world, and all he did was spend time with her. What a grave mistake.
What a grave mistake.
Now he was nothing more than nothing, and he did not have friends that cared about him, and he was pretty sure Evelyn did not care about him as well. He could do nothing but just sit and think about all this, he had nothing more to do. Suddenly, as if it was a wakeup call, his hand phone lit up and started vibrating. His heart leaped, in hope that the call would be from who was once his sweet heart. He dashed over to the phone, but for the first time, his heart sank when he saw his best friend's name on the caller ID. He picked it up and replied in a hoarse and haggard voice.
"Hello."
His friend, Tom, replied in a concerned tone. "Hey bro, I heard you broke up with Evelyn."
"I didn't break up with her, she broke up with me. I don't really want to talk about it, though."
"Oh well man, just to let you know, if you need someone to talk to, I'm always here for you, bro."
Laughing ever so slightly at the very small comfort that Tom gave me, I replied, "Thanks bro, I knew I could count on you."
Evidently happy at what he had achieved, Tom replied, "Take care, bro. Do not do any stupid things. I'd hate to hear something happen to you."
"You take care too, Tom. And thanks for the listening ear."
He replied, " Hey, that's what friends are for, right?"
The phone went clack. He removed the phone from his ear, now covered in sweat from his cheek. He quickly wiped it with his shirt and replaced it in his phone charger. He was quite surprised Tom had called, given that their friendship had ended about 1 year after he started his relationship with Evelyn. At that moment he started to think wider, think more beyond what he was thinking about before Tom called. At times of need, friends were really important. Just as he was pondering on how important friends were, there was a frantic knocking on the door. It sounded as if someone wanted to tear the door down, that was how hard they were knocking. With apprehension and care, he edged towards the door as the knocking grew louder, resembling more of the sound made when someone fired a gun. He carefully twisted the door knob when suddenly the door was yanked open by an adult on the other side. It was his mother, who recently had started to disregard him as her son. Looking with utmost innocence at his mother's face, he was about to ask what she was doing there when his mother let loose a torrent of words on how haggard her son looked. That was before she noticed her son's arm, of course. He was used to it, he just stood there and absorbed all the comments.
Suddenly, he noticed a small pause in his mother's lecture. He looked up slowly, expecting to see an angry face staring at him. Instead, he noticed his mother looking at his arm, which was covered in deep cuts and red gashes. With a sharp yank, his mother pulled his arm.
His mother questioned, almost shouting. "IS THIS WHAT YOU DID TO YOURSELF?"
He replied with defiance. "Yes. I don't see why you would care, though. If my clothes and my demeanour is what you came to talk to me about, then leave me alone. I have more important things to do than just listen to you drone on and on."
"I DO CARE, YOUNG MAN, AND YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. YOU BETTER TELL ME WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON OR..."
"Or what? Say it, I'm so scared."
Suddenly, his mother broke into a torrent of tears. The tears made her voice incoherent, all that he could hear was just "so sad... cared for you... tried to be a good mother..." And Tom understood. All the irritating lectures and the anger filled scolding sessions were all just for his own good. His mother was trying to be a good mother, by guiding Tom in the right way. His mother continued sobbing and speaking. "See you do this... don't know what's happened to you... makes me feel its my fault..." He could not take it anymore. He held his mother by her arms, wiped the tears off her cheeks, and said, "I'm sorry if I'm not turning out the way I want to, mom. I'll try from now on." Then his mother demanded an explanation on what and why he had done what he did to his arm. He explained to his mother everything, fully knowing and believing, that through her mother's love for him, she will understand his static confessions.
He looked up into his mother's eyes, and said "I just need someone to be here for me all the time. Someone who would never leave my side and stay behind me in whatever decision i make."
His mother replied in the most loving voice possible. "What do you think I'm here for, darling?"