Watching You

I'm supposed to be doing research for the next hunt. What I've actually been doing for the past hour is watching my brother.

He decided while I did the geek thing he would take care of his baby. Sometimes I think he loves it more than me.

He tinkers under the hood doing who the hell knows what, cause cars just aren't my thing. Then he'll spend hours

washing and waxing her. Yes, according to Dean his baby is a her, still haven't managed to get the name out of him

yet though.

I used to think I knew everything there was to know about my brother. The last three months have showed me that I

didn't know shit. Dean has always been cocky and self confident, at least that's what I always thought. Now I've

seen a side to him that I never knew existed and if we hadn't become more than brothers I probably never would have.

I have made it a habit or maybe it's an obsession, of watching him whenever he isn't aware, which isn't easy by the way.

He hides in plain sight, behind the cocky grin, the smart ass attitude and the brash behavior, that's what makes it

so effective. You think your seeing the real Dean Winchester and damn if he's not good at it. I thought for twenty two years

that this was my brother, but like I said I didn't know shit.

I watch him when he's with the families; families like ours that have been torn apart by loss, grief and terror. They don't

understand what's happening and why. Dean has an innate ability to soothe and to make you believe that everything will

be okay. Then there are the children, God help us if we have a case with a child. I know he practically raised me but I've

never actually seen him interact with children. I was completely dumbfounded as I watched him handle Lucas. He was

gentle, quiet and when he talked, he shared things I never knew. Then it happened again when we helped Michael and his

family. He talked to Michael in a way that only an older brother with the responsibility of another could understand,

and again I was left breathless with the emotions pouring off him.

I never realized that if I watched his eyes they would tell me everything. I've spent months trying to get inside his barriers,

trying to understand what's in his head and all I had to do was look at his eyes. I learned not long after this revelation just

how badly I had hurt him when I left. We were helping a family in another town in the middle of bum fuck Idaho. We were in

in the library researching, when these kids came in and one is going on and on about how he just wanted to get away, how his

family were always trying to tell him what to do. Dean was sitting at the table and I was coming back from unearthing yet another

dust covered box of records that had yet to be computerized. I was only half listening when I came around the corner but

the look on Dean's face stopped me in my tracks. That's when I really tuned into what was being said and I just watched as

he listened to this kid talk about his family. His body went completely still, his face held so much grief it nearly took me to my

knees. But it was his eyes, he looked up and caught sight of me and in that one brief glance before the walls slammed into place.

I saw the pain and damage I had caused by walking away, by refusing his phone calls and never calling him, by pretending he didn't

exist, just so I could be normal.

In that instant I knew there would never be anything that I could do to truly make it up to him, but damned if I wasn't going to try.

It took months to convince him this was what I wanted. Months of brushing by too close, leaving my hand on his shoulder a little

longer than necessary and inevitably when I finally lost my patience and just leaned in one night and kissed him. He was so

shocked that for an instant he returned it before he shut down. I got the, 'It's wrong, Sam' speech and 'It doesn't matter if I want it

Sam it's not going to happen'. Now, I'm nothing if not persistent, so it was only a matter of time before I would get my way and in

the mean time I'd continue to watch. It took a little longer than I thought but since I was willing to wait till Hell froze over I guess it

really wasn't long at all. Going home tore at Dean more than I could ever imagine, and even though it had to be done and we

saved Jennie and the kids, I really worried that it might not have been worth Dean's peace of mind and emotional torment, not that

he acted any different but like I said its all in his eyes. I finally had it after the second night of nightmares that Dean swore he wasn't

having and I crawled into his bed and held him the rest of the night. The next morning had absolutely nothing to do with comfort and

everything to do with finally coming home.

I keep watching but I don't think I will ever completely understand Dean. When we make love he is gentle and giving. It leaves

me speechless the infinite care he takes with me as a lover. He's always been the best brother in the world, something I don't deserve

for all the pain I've caused him. Now he is absolutely everything to me and yes, I am selfish enough to do anything to keep him.

Death has come for him twice, and while I can't take credit for stopping it. I will take the blame for doing everything in my power to make

sure it can't have him, and I may be damned to hell but I can't feel remorse for Marshall Hall's death or even our father's when it means

Dean is still with me. I don't ever intend to find out if I could survive without Dean, because I will continue to do anything and everything

to insure that it's never an option. I know he doesn't believe me when I say I won't leave him again. All I can do is continue to prove it to him.

He's finally finished with his baby, and damn he caught me too. Standing there with his arms crossed, eyebrow arched and that damn

smirk on his face.

"Aren't you suppose to be finding our next gig?"

"Yea, but I like watching you more."