Pain Is So Close To Pleasure.
"Sir…" Professor Lupin inclined his head in greeting as he stepped into the slightly, if not fully, demented Headmaster's office, "I need to speak to you about last night."
"Certainly Remus."
The teacher reluctantly sat down in the chair opposite the desk, feeling surprisingly well after the full moon. Something to do with Padfoot returning he supposed. He met Dumbledore's eyes and was suddenly the nervous sixteen year old trying to explain why he and Sirius Black had being squashed into a toilet stall at three in the morning in a broken bathroom. He cleared his throat and tried again, lowering his gaze and trying not to think about that night. "I'm resigning," he said softly, well aware that Dumbledore probably wanted to fire him anyway. "Before you have chance to sack me."
Dumbledore chuckled slightly, "And what makes you think I'm going to sack you?"
Remus snorted, "I could've killed so many people last night-"
"But you didn't Remus, you didn't."
"That's besides the point!" Remus exclaimed, standing up abruptly, "I very nearly did! I would've done if…" his throat stuck, "-if he hadn't been there." Dumbledore remained silent, contemplating him closely. "I can't stay. Not now."
"You're a good teacher Remus and I dare say you need this job," Dumbledore held up a hand to cut off Remus' objections, "Have you talked to Mr Potter and his friends yet? I am quite certain they won't want you to go."
Remus snorted, "Yes well… that boy has a different perspective of the word 'danger' to normal people."
"Just like James and Sirius if I remember correctly," Dumbledore pretended to examine his finger tips at Remus' sharp intake of breath, the name cutting through him like a hot knife. So many memories…
"Yes," Remus finally replied, staring avidly out of the window at the so very familiar grounds, "But very soon you will receive countless owls demanding that I'm removed from my teaching post and locked up in chains."
"I am quite sure I will also receive some letters inquiring your well being from some of your old friends," Dumbledore was watching him carefully; Remus could almost feel those eyes boring into his back, trying to understand him.
"I've never had much luck with friends. Two dead. One a traitor. One -" Remus broke off, feeling the lump in his throat, "- and one on the run from Azkaban," he said finally. "James always said that, that he'd end up getting in trouble with the law," Remus joked lightly, remembering a twelve year old James heartily proclaiming that his best friend was a trouble maker.
Dumbledore sighed, "Can I say anything that will make you stay?"
Tearing his gaze from the forbidden forest, Remus shook his head quickly, "I can't stay here… not any longer."
"Old memories do have a tendency to haunt," Dumbledore said lightly. "And sometimes it's easier to forget than to remember but you can't go through your life suppressing those memories of him. You don't have to feel guilty any longer Remus; he's innocent."
Remus turned to face the old man, "You think this all about him? It's not. Everything, everything reminds me of all of them. I can't stay any longer, it hurts. Hurts too much."
Dumbledore murmured, "I feared that would happen. Though James would be happy to know you're here, eating properly and more than likely delighted that his son has acquired your infamous map."
Remus shrugged, trying to stop the loud, empty thud of his heart beat. He could still see James sat in that very chair, clutching that map tightly and trying very hard to convince Dumbledore that it was nothing whilst Sirius nodded along, claiming that it simply had love letters in invisible ink on it.
"Remus… I'm quite positive that your friends would want you stay if they were here now."
"That's the thing though isn't it," Remus snarled, "They aren't. And quite frankly I can't keep the charade going any loner." He paused, starting to pace the study with his hands clasped tightly behind his back, "I hate being back here. I hate the fact that it reminds me so much of them. That I can't get through one day without reliving one memory or another. I hate it. And I, I can't put up with it any longer."
Dumbledore ignored his outburst, just moved on to another tactic instead, "And what about Harry? What about when he learns you're going and you might never see him again? You're the closest thing to his father he has right now and he doesn't care what you are Remus. He see's you, not a werewolf."
Remus sighed, "I know. And believe me, that would be the only reason to stay." He sighed again, sitting back down in the chair, "But the amount of time's I've almost called him James this year, the amount of times he brought back memories so much more painful than the rest. I can't keep doing it -"
"But Sirius is innocent. You and I both know that," Dumbledore replied gently, the name once again digging deep into Remus' heart, "You can think about him, talk about him, hear about him and not have to feel guilty for not hating him."
"I don't know what you mean," Remus snapped back, his ears roaring as he tried to block them.
"Old I may be Remus, but I do have an excellent memory. You and Mr Black were quite the topic of the teachers lounge in your seventh year." Dumbledore chuckled as Remus' stomach clenched painfully, "The amounts of times you two were caught is quite remarkable."
Remus couldn't even smile, his jaw felt locked, his mind fuzzy. How could Dumbledore talk about him so easily…
"Well yes, anyway, that was my resignation. Goodbye," Remus stood up abruptly, the conversation getting to close to old wounds for his liking.
"Do you think he'll be waiting for you?"
Remus paused with his door on the handle, battling with himself, "I- I hope so." He said eventually, though he knew, he knew that no black dog would be waiting at his tumble down cottage.
"Good luck Remus, and you know where to find me."
Thanking him, Remus left quickly, other long forgotten memories starting to play in his mind, flickering in and out of focus like a broken film.
.x0x.
Sitting in one of the carriages, he tried not to look back at the silent stone castle, tried not to remember the hot promises whispered in his ear, the hasty encounters in stuffy closets and the friendship which had been so horrendously blown apart.
Well this is my apology. I'm meant to have updated Revenge Gone Wrong and WPA ages ago but I've been really busy with course-work so haven't had chance yet. Sorry.
(For Revenge Gone Wrong (any readers of it) Would you like James to be angry or accepting btw?)
For this, I'm thinking about writing the memories that Remus remembers and making this into a short, multi-chaptered fic. If I do, they will be another four chapters.(All around 1000 words) Let me know if I should continue.
That's my long, waffling AN over and if you be as kind as to review then I will ever so grateful.
Cheers xD