A/N: I'm offically challenging myself to make as many .Hack one-shots and drabbles as possible. This is the collection of them rolled into one fic. The one-shots are in no specific order. PG-13 for language and mild suggestive themes, but otherwise, sheer humor.
Disclaimer: Zodiac, Doc (c) myself, all else (c) Bandai-Namco
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Title: Toe Fungi
Takes Place: During the Founding of the Twilight Brigade
Warning: Offensive language and Minor Bashing
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Zodiac, Gord, B-Set, Sakisaka, Shino, Ovan, Macha, Azure Kite, Wise Grunty, Phyllo, Innis, Corbenik, Admins, Zelkova, Gabi and Fluffy.
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"Okay," the Guildmaster of the recently formed Transention looked at Ovan, "Now, all that's left is the test for the Steam Bike." the woman was an Adept Rouge with a white mini-dress and red tube-socks with a pair of white shin-boots and red fore-arm gloves with a matching corset over the outfit. Judging by the fact she lacked a weapons sheath, she was probably in her Tribal Grappler form.
"I know, Zodiac, I know..." Ovan sighed, "Okay, Wise Grunty, what's the test?"
"Out-stink Sakisaka!" The grunty shouted.
"EH!?" the others in the room stared. Macha, looking like her .Hack/Sign form as a Le Tribe Shadow Warlock, just stared.
"You want me to WHAT!?" Sakisaka blurted out.
"...Thank-God sis won't see this..." Ovan sighed.
"Sakisaka starts!" Wise Grunty announced.
Sakisaka sighed, "Okay...here I go..." Sakisaka hit the X button and apparently all the plants Shino recently put in moved in the large wind.
"...Eight of ten!" Wise-Grunty commented.
"That's all you can do?" Ovan chuckled, "I've been looking for an excuse to do this."
Before anyone could comment, Ovan took his shoes off, then WiseGrunty only needed one whiff...
"Scoring...OVERLOAD, OVERLOAD!! BIKE INSTALLMENT SCREWED!! WHERE IS THE ADMIN SMILY WISEASS PAJAMAS AND MATCHING BOXER CEREAL!?"
"EH!?" they yelled, just in time to see the plants wilt.
"GOD, OVAN, MY HP'S DROPPING!!" Gord screamed as he ran out and the plants deleted. Macha quickly stuck Airomatic Grass up her nose and WiseGruny blew up and left a mark on in the shape of his body on the floor.
"LET ME OUTTA HERE!!" Corbenik teared up from within Ovan's arm, "I NEED ARTIFICAL OXYGEN!!"
"SHUT UP, YOU JAR OF DIRT!!" Ovan screamed as Zodiac rebooted her terminal and the Sixth Phase lost consiousness.
Shino walked in, took one look at her cherished and deleting plants, the smoking remains of Wise Grunty and screamed, "OVAN, I TOLD YOU NOT TO TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF!!" this summoned Innis and who she used to kick the Steam-Bike onto Ovan and send him through 6 graphics glitches and into the water near the habor.
"...I'm staying out of this one..." B-Set commented, able to hear Ovan gurgling from there...
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Out on his bridge, Phyllo sniffed and gained an odd look, "...Did you do that, Fluffy? Meeerowww. Hmmm...I suppose not...Oh, dear, the toast is burning..." with that, he left his spot and missed the screaming and swearing Gord and Shino who were now chasing Ovan with Gord threatening to PK him on a field and Shino enhancing their speed further.
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"A glitch?" Azure Kite stopped and floated over to it, then found out the hard way why Macha put aromatic grass in her nose. "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" he screamed as his data slightly fragged and he entered Azure Flame God form and rushed to the Net Slum, coughing and choking for air, shouting in garbled text, "THE HELL WAS THAT!?"
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Over all of R:2, the sound came out loud and clear. "DUE TO AN ERROR IN THE SYSTEMS THAT CAUSED A VIRUS FROM AN UNKNOWN GUILD, THE HP AND SP OF EVERYONE IS DROPPING AND ALL THE MONSTERS DIED. WE ARE NOW SHUTTING DOWN THE SERVER TO LOCATE AND FIX THE PROBLEM. SORRY FOR THE INCONVIENCE."
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In the field, Zelkova and Gabi wound up stuck in the beast temple via illigel means of being able to log out. "...You up for a hack game of checkers?" the Moon-Tree guild master asked.
"Sure, why not?" his arch-nemisis replied as he made one in green and gold on the floor.
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Epiloge:
Zelkova won and Gabi declared war on Moon Tree, the Twilight Brigade got a new plant and Grunty, Sakisaka's hair went from a mowhawk to normal grass, Ovan was not allowed to touch the steam-bike or take off his shoes, the 'stink-test' was removed from R:2, Phyllo saved his toast and downgraded to dial-up, B-Set left the Twilight Brigade and Ovan's Toe Fungi turned out to be a diluted, messed-up form of AIDA.
Up until the end of the first G.U. game, Azure Kite declared Ovan a massive glitch attempted to kill Ovan every chance he had. Macha eventually woke up and Corbenik gained a massive, incurable cat phobia.
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R/R