I do not own any of the recognizable characters in this story. They are the property of J.K Rowling, bless her. As for the characters you don't recognize, well they're mine, bless them. Any other works such as song lyrics, poems, titles, etc. used are not mine either. They belong to their rightful owners whose names are too plentiful to name. (Also cause I'm too lazy to keep track.)

A Song of Despair

PROLOGUE

"Where lies the final harbour, whence we unmoor no more? In what rapt ether sails the world, of which the weariest will never weary? Where is the foundling's father hidden? Our souls are like those orphans whose unwedded mothers die in bearing them: the secret of our paternity lies in their grave, and we must there to learn it."

Moby-Dick by Herman Melville

CHAPTER ONE

June 12 1944

Hogwarts was beautiful, even at night. The Scottish country side was quiet and the stars shone bright with the lack of clouds in the beginning of the summer. That was something Jude always missed when she had to return home every summer. The glaring city lights of London always outshone the stars and she was hard pressed to see them before September 1st. Even now in times of war, when the city went dark to hide from the Luftwaffe and the stars had a chance to shine, she was not permitted to go outside to see them. So as she stood on at the edge of the astronomy tower with a warm breeze tickling her hair, she looked to the winking lights.

The school year was coming to a close; having just finished her first year of N.E.W.T.S, Jude contemplated the summer that lay before her.

Roger, her best mate of 10 years, was going to Brazil for the two months of summer vacation and would be unavailable as a means of escape from her father. Not caring much for the other acquaintances she had as they did her, she saw no prospects of a making of a wonderful vacation and could already feel the dread seeping into her pores. Her father would be home more, potentially all the time, just as he told her at the end of the previous summer when he decided to work from home.

Jude imagined the next two months confined in that large, cold, empty house with only her father for company and shuddered. She looked down from the stars and stared at the dark ground that lay below her. A brief image of her fallen body lying on the warm grass with her dark hair splayed out around her head flashed through her mind. It was that temptation of standing at the edge of the world and taking the last step… it would only take one step, one daring step to end-

"Miss Heathrow." The image of her dead body almost became a reality as a smooth voice behind her caused a fright that would have ended quite tragically if it hadn't been for the safety railing she clung on to. Turning about to the voice, Jude came face to face with one of the Slytherin prefects patrolling the Hogwarts halls. "You are breaking curfew."

"Sorry, I-sorry..." Jude stuttered. She made for the door behind the prefect, lifting her eyes to his tall figure just as she passed him.

From what she could see in the poor lighting of the astronomy tower, he had icy grey eyes that watched her hurried shuffling with rebuke along with high cheek bones, and a straight nose. He was what most would call a handsome young man. But as she thought about it more, she came to realize the prefect that had caught her was in fact, Tom Riddle. Jude had only heard of him in passing from various students, well, various girls, whom seemed to always be giggling every time they talked about the boy. From what she gathered he was known to have the top grades in school and was favoured by almost all the teachers. Apparently he had been graced with good looks by Merlin himself going by what they said. Seeing it for herself, he was alright, she thought.

Jude shook her head as if to clear her thoughts. Why was she even thinking about this right now? She had to get back to her dorm before she could get reprimanded again or worse get caught by Peeves. She looked up and to her amazement she was already in front of the Gryffindor secret entrance. It seemed she had walked there unconsciously in the last few minutes. Mumbling the Gryffindor house password to the sleeping portrait of the Fat Lady, she quietly went up to her room and readied herself for sleep.

Lying in bed with the curtains drawn back so she had a view of the stars outside her window, Jude's last thought before sleep consumed her was what the times that lay ahead would bring.

When Jude was young, her mother would take her into the bustling streets of London every Wednesday. She could always be assured that by 10AM they would be sitting on the table by the window of The Grosvenor Hotel's La Grande Salle restaurant, where she would wait patiently for her mother's friends to arrive while sneaking Jammie Dodgers under the table.

Sitting in a table full of older women while you were only seven was a fairy tale of sorts. They would always be talking about what the latest fashion trend was – although this was not important to Jude at the time as to her anyone who dressed as a princess was beautiful enough – and what latest mishap they had since they last saw each other. But as much as Jude loved going to these brunches with her mother, she sometimes wished for someone who just wanted to play instead of just talk with each other. One day her wish was granted.

On a rare sunny November Wednesday, she sat on a too big chair trying to sneak her third Jammie Dodger while her mother conversed with a couple sitting the next table over. She had finally gotten a biscuit and was smiling in triumphant when she heard the loud fusing of one of her mother's friends.

Mrs. Langley was beautiful in her own way. One would have to know her before one could see that her beauty was not of the physical kind – though she tried with various layers of makeup – but one of the heart. She had the patience needed of a mother and the kindness of an innocent child. In short, of all of her mother's friends, Mrs. Langley was Jude's favourite. On this rare sunny Wednesday, she brought along her son.

Blushing from behind his mother's skirt was a young Roger Langley, a boy of six years with soft honey blond curls and light blue eyes. He wouldn't let go of his mother's skirt but she pushed him in front of her nonetheless.

"Say hello, Roger." Mrs. Langley's soft tone said.

Jude looked at the boy in front of her, a companion at last; someone to play with while their mothers talked! Jude had never met any other children before this, she only saw the neighbourhood children through the fences of the Heathrow House. They were much too old to play and her mother would never allow her to go out. Meeting Roger was an opportunity Jude couldn't miss. She thrust the crumbling Jammie Dodger in her hand at the boy in front of her and smiled.

Taking the offered biscuit, she saw a smile creeping up his cheeks when he said, "Hello."

In the years to come, Jude would learn how important this friendship would be to her. With her mother being gone and going to Hogwarts alone, she would need as much support as she could get. Roger would be by her side, offering his charming smile and cheesy jokes when putting on a smile felt too much of a bother. They would be there for each other when they receive their first taste of heartbreak and firewhiskey. Roger would even be the one sitting beside her in St. Mungo's on that dreaded summer day when it should've been another as she waited for her name to be called. He would be there to take her home, keeping her standing when the world around her spun too fast.

Roger would be there through everything, until the very last day when everything was the last.

Roger would be there until he could no longer, because she needed him and he cared far too much to say no.

The morning came too early for Jude when she woke to the racket of her dorm mates. Peeking one eye open she saw that only Cecilia, who was combing her hair in front of the vanity, and Alaius, who was stumbling around the bathroom trying to put on her stockings while trying to keep up a conversation with Cecilia, remained.

Jude closed her eye and sighed.

Another day in the Gryffindor dorms. Another day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Another day at life.

With a lazy effort, she got up from the warmth of her bed to start getting ready as well.

Cecilia, seeing Jude from the reflection of the mirror jokingly asked, "Sleeping Beauty finally joining us, is she?"

Jude rolled her eyes, used to the girl's fondness of dropping, what she assumed were, muggle references in conversations even if no one knew what she was talking about. She crossed over to the adjoining bathroom to brush her teeth. She weaved around the jumping Alaius, who tossed her a crooked grin as she still hadn't gotten her stockings on, and began her daily routine. It was quick work and Jude soon found herself already walking down to the Great Hall with her dorm mates. When they arrived, they found the remaining people left in their little group of friends already taking up room in the middle of the Gryffindor table. Jude took her designated seat beside Roger who was shoveling an indescribable amount of sausage and eggs in his plate.

"Leave some for the rest of us, Rog!" Charlus Potter teased from across the table.

Roger glared at him as everyone laughed. Amused and hungry, Jude was reaching for some toast when a commotion drew her attention.

"They found it! They found it!" a short Hufflepuff boy said from the entrance of the Great Hall.

"Found what, Marshall?" came from William, who was sat beside Charlus.

"The thing that killed Myrtle!" shouted Marshall.

Silence enveloped the Great Hall for a moment then Jude could no longer hear her own thoughts when people around her shouted in alarm.

"Is he being serious?" asked Alaius, putting down her spoon.

"What do you think did it?" Charlus asked excitedly.

Myrtle had been a third year Ravenclaw who had died only a few weeks ago by an unknown assailant. It had caused chaos when girls who'd just come out of class found her body in the water-logged, first-floor girl's lavatory. Panic and fear had consumed the students of Hogwarts when it was later made known that the cause of death could not be identified by magic. They were advised to not wander the halls if it wasn't absolutely necessary by the Headmaster, Armando Dippet. Ever since then people had taken to walking in small groups wherever they went.

"Who cares? Just as long as they've found it and killed it before it could kill anyone else!" Cecilia's high tone rang out. She had been among one of the girls to discover Myrtle's body. It had caused her to be sick at the sight. A week passed before she was finally able to eat without it coming back up, but even then she would mutter under her breath, which the group could never decipher, and was constantly fidgeting.

Pity… Jude thought, she was just getting back to normal.

Jude tuned back from her thoughts when a shout rose above everyone else, "Well, go on! Tell us about it, Marshall!"

The noise quickly died down and attention focused on the eerily excited Hufflepuff, "Saw it meself this mornin' just as I was comin' down 'ere. Headmaster Dippet an' Professor Dumbledore comin' out of the dungeons an' guess whos they was escortin' wif them!" he paused and looked around at the eager faces of the students around him, "Rubeus Hagrid."

Shouting was heard once again as they voiced their confusion. "What're you on about? What does Hagrid have to do with this, Marshall?" said the same voice as before.

"Idiots," muttered Roger from beside Jude. "the lot of them."

Jude shot a quizzical brow at Roger, which he promptly ignored, then turned back to the entrance.

Marshall seemed to glare at something to his left and was readying a retort but before he could, Headmaster Dippet entered the Great Hall. Professor Dumbledore was came in after him and trailing along was a familiar Slytherin prefect, though Jude wouldn't know this until he passed by her. Jude watched as he sauntered behind the two professors. When they reached the teacher's table, Tom turned off to sit at the Slytherin table and Jude saw – though she couldn't be sure with the distance between their tables – him smirk. Her eyes flew back to her Head of House hoping to hear any truth to what disrupted her morning, but he was already conversing with the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Galloway.

Jude's confusion grew. Shouldn't they be making some sort of announcement if they really did find who killed Myrtle? Or was the Hufflepuff lying? If he was, didn't that mean the killer was still roaming around Hogwarts? She turned towards Roger, ready to voice her thoughts but found he was already getting up from his seat.

"Where are you going?" she asked him.

Roger took one last bite of toast then turned to Jude, "To the pitch, of course."

"What? Why?" Jude asked above the noise of her fellow house mates getting up from the table.

"Why?" he asked incredulously, "For Quidditch, you nutty! It's time for the House Cup match."

"Oh… that was today?"

Roger chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief. Though he really shouldn't be surprise by now, Jude often forgot any facts when it came to Quidditch, whether how to play it or when there was a game going on. He often wondered if she really was the daughter of Janis Heathrow, retired Beater of the British National Quidditch Team. He flashed her a smile and asked, "Yeah, are you coming or not?"

"But what about-"

Roger sighed, "I'm sure if there's any truth to what the Hufflepuff was saying they'd tell us."

"I don't know…" Jude turned to look at the Professors' table, "Maybe we should stay-"

"Jude, it's just some nosey Hufflepuff trying to get attention." He tightened his red and gold scarf, "If the teachers had any information about something as big as the murderer of a student, don't you think they'd tell us by now?" Still, Jude looked uncertain so he tried once more, "Anyway, quidditch. Yes or no?"

They stared at each other. Roger had this talent where he always knew just what to say to convince her of something. There was no point in even trying to come up with an argument anymore, he was preaching to the already converted.

Thoughts cleared of darker issues, Jude thought of what she had planned for the day. She was thinking of just laying out by the lake with her friends or maybe even taking a stroll through the yards, but seeing as they were all planning to watch the match, she would've had to go by herself. Jude remembered how her summer already looked, all alone in that house with no one but her father and some house elves for company. She glanced at the remaining students around her who had resorted to whispering amongst themselves in fear of being reprimanded for their choice of topic. Jude didn't really have many friends in other houses, some as acquaintances she knew from class but that wasn't enough to warrant a full day spent together. It seemed she would end up spending the day alone if she entertained her thoughts much further so she quickly answered him.

"Of course."

"Jude!"

The music was deafening in the Gryffindor common room. Someone had dimmed the lights to create some form of ambiance but couple that with alcohol and a bunch of teenagers in a celebratory mood, it created a party.

Though Jude sat beside the wireless on full volume, she still heard the booming voice of her best friend. She turned away from the game of strip poker a few of the seventh years were having in front of the fire to see Roger staggering towards her with a bottle of firewhiskey clutched in his hand.

"Hey," he dragged the word out when he reached her, "How are you?"

Jude looked at him, there was a thin layer of sweat on his forehead and his eyes were bloodshot. She noticed that he could no longer support himself as he had one hand on the back of the chair she was sitting on. Blimey, the party had only been going on for an hour! What a lightweight.

"You are blooded, mate." She ignored his question.

Roger's brows crinkled, "What do you mean? I'm fine, I'm not bleeding."

Jude giggled, "That wasn't what I meant." She had a little to drink too.

"Oh… well you – "

"Have you guys seen Will?" Augusta Merriewight interrupted, emerging from the mass of dancing bodies in the middle of the room.

Jude looked at her fellow dorm mate, "No, have you asked Alaius or Charlus? Maybe they know. Though, they're probably doing something stupid right now."

Augusta sighed, "Whose great idea was it to give those two alcohol? Merlin knows they'll be expelled before the night is over."

Roger, who was teetering dangerously on his feet, laughed, "I saw Will going off with Amanda Manning."

"What?" Augusta nearly shouted, "When?"

Roger giggled, he was now coming towards the front of Jude's chair and looked like he was about to fall off his feet. A lightweight indeed. "Like… five minutes ago…"

Jude watched as Augusta's face crinkle in worry. Her and Will had been going out since January, a result from the urging of Cecilia, who was convinced that Augusta and Will only bickered and bantered because they were secretly in love with each other. Nevermind the fact that they've been doing the same thing since they met in first year. It created for some awkward moments when Cecilia's not-so-subtle hints were dropped in times when their arguments had gotten a little heated. Jude was powerless in disagreeing though as she, herself couldn't deny the tension – whichever type it may be – that rolled off them when they were into one of their rows.

Augusta glanced at Jude as if hoping for some confirmation that this wasn't true but seeing as she hadn't seen it herself, she averted her eyes to the strip poker match. A nicely muscled seventh year boy had lost his shirt. Jude bit her lip at the sight. Wouldn't do well for a girl to take pleasure in seeing a boy that wasn't her betrothed half naked but who was she kidding? Harry Knight had a body sculpted by the big man upstairs himself. With the firelight dancing off his chest, Jude knew she wasn't the only one that's noticed.

Augusta had a right to worry. Although Amanda Manning was a nice person, she had a tendency to only fancy guys who were already taken. She was infamous among the students as a man-eater, leaving broken hearts in her wake and disgruntled ex-girlfriends fuming. She often said there was something different about boys that girls had already picked out, something in their manner. Jude always thought it was just because Amanda liked to cause a little drama, though she didn't judge, she enjoyed watching from the sidelines. It helped pass the long winter.

"I'll… I'm going to go find–" Augusta stuttered. Her face twisted as if she was on the verge of crying. She was half turned towards the crowd of dancing people when turned back to Jude, "Oh! I forgot to tell you… Levi's looking for you."

Jude stared at Augusta's retreating back.

Levi was looking for her…

Levi was looking for her…

She could already feel the familiar panic starting to seep into her veins. Jude's heart thudded and skipped at the thought. Flashes of dry summer air, hushed giggles, and the strong antiseptic smell of a blinding white waiting room clouded her mind.

She was about to stand from her seat when a weight brought her back down. Roger had finally decided he couldn't stand any longer and had taken to sitting – not beside her but – on her.

"You're getting heavy there, mate." Jude softly laughed, distracted.

Roger twisted on her lap, he took the hand that wasn't holding the firewhiskey and wound it around the back of her neck. He bent his head down so he was resting his head atop Jude's head, "Shut up."

Jude smiled; her legs were already going numb from Rogers's weight. To save herself from that annoying static pain later, she shuffled them around so that Roger's weight mostly rested on what small space there was left in the chair. This resulted in their legs being tangled together and his empty left hand laying limp on her lap, which he quickly solved by winding their hands together.

Jude was surprise by this sudden display of touchiness; Roger wasn't one for showing affection in public, even with his various ex-girlfriends. Jude knew this was only because of the alcohol but still… it was strange. Though she had to admit, her mind had been successfully distracted from anymore thoughts about him.

"Roger?" she whispered.

She thought he mustn't have heard her above the thundering music even if they were this close as he didn't give her a reply right away.

"Don't go," he finally whispered back, "Don't go to him. Just stay here. With me."

Jude watched the dancing light from the fire shined through the golden liquid of the firewhiskey in his hand. The sudden thought that he was only sitting with her like this because he didn't want her to leave entered her mind; he had positioned himself as if to prevent her from escaping, from running back. Regret weighed her down at the thought that she would even consider it. So close to doing it…

She looked at Roger; his eyes were drooping shut as the alcohol raged in his body. He arched his back, looking for a more comfortable position. He finally found it, his head resting in the crook where her neck met her shoulder, soft breaths brushing her skin. This was her best mate, drunk out of his mind yet still keeping her from making a mistake.

She answered just as quietly, "Okay."

"Roger? Roger! Are you awake?"

A mumble came from the slumped figure beside her in response. Jude was staring at the dusty, red and gold canopy above Roger's bed. A soft melody was coming from the corner of the room where a record player was spinning, a piano piece from what she could hear. The noise of the party still going on downstairs was silenced as soon as she had dropped Roger on the bed. Aside from the record, the only sound in the room was the whistle of an occasional breeze from the open window above the nightstand.

Jude had finally managed to drag Roger up to his room after he had fallen asleep on her shoulder. That was hours ago. Not wanting to go back to the party where she would inevitably spend the duration sitting in the same chair as earlier, or worse going back to her own room to face trying to sleep when she wasn't even remotely tired, she had opted to stay with him.

Growing bored with tracing the pattern of the tapestry, she had tried for conversation. But seeing as Roger was unwilling to support the other side and talking to herself was one of the first signs of going mental, her eyes rove around the room for another distraction. Jude's eyes had almost made a complete trip around the room when she finally found one.

Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair by Pablo Neruda was sitting underneath a golden snitch on the nightstand. Alarmed that Roger of all people kept such a book, Jude picked it up in amazed curiosity. Flipping through the pages she saw glimpse of the original Spanish on one page and English on the other. Stopping on a random page, she came upon a poem titled Don't Go Far Off.

Jude looked to her left at Roger whose back was turned towards her. From the even rise and fall of his back, she could tell he had succumbed to sleep. Still, she tried anyway, "Roger?"

Silence greeted back at her. It seemed an omen for what summer would bring; where it was once filled with hope of freedom, it was now filled with absence. And silence. Jude had spent summers without the company of her best mate before and she always managed to find something to pass the time. Whether it be visiting the cinemas or scouring the shelves of Flourish and Blotts, she could always find something to fill the long summer days. But that was before; before last summer when everything fell apart. Before, when she could spend days, weeks, months, not having a single thought of that retched day.

She turned back to the book. With absence clawing at her chest, she began to read.

"Don't leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
into me, choking my lost heart."

Her breath shook, "because in that moment you'll have gone so far
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?"

The next morning came painfully abrupt. Mainly because Jude woke up when Roger's knee jabbed her in the stomach in his haste to get to the bathroom where he proceeded to throw up the remnants of the party. She was cradling her sore stomach when Roger finally came out. He stepped over her body once again, this time being careful, and fell onto his spot beside her in an exhausted heap.

"Alright?" she asked.

Roger coughed, "Yeah, m'fine."

The gentle snore of someone in the dorm was drifting Jude back to sleep when Roger spoke once again, "Jude…"

Jude hummed in question.

"Why are you here?"

Jude snuggled deeper into the warm covers, "Your bed's softer than mine."

Roger chuckled under his breath but didn't say anything more. Sensing like there was something else, Jude opened her eyes and turned to face him. His pale blue eyes were wide awake, surprisingly clear despite the fact that Jude knew he was immensely hung over. They stared at each other, Jude in confusion and Roger with an unreadable expression.

Not being able to take the silence any longer, Jude spoke, "Do you want me to go?"

Roger's brow furrowed, "No."

"Then what's wrong?" Jude feared that her private moment last night wasn't truly private. It was a moment of weakness she hadn't shone in a while. Even if she had known Roger for years, it still didn't lessen the embarrassment she would feel if she found out he had heard her bare her heart. Their friendship was built on trust but both she and Roger were very private and independent people. Roger's failed relationships was a result of this as many ended mostly due to clingy girlfriends. She didn't know want him to know she was afraid of what two months without him would do to her. Jude almost wanted to punch herself for being so stupid as to read the poem aloud. That damned poem spoke her fears so plainly.

Roger furrowed his brow even further. He opened his mouth as if to say something but quickly closed it. He did this twice more until his face finally cleared. Jude's heart thudded against her chest. Then, "Could you get me some Pepper-Up potion from the Hospital Wing? My head is buzzing."

Jude slowly let out the breath she didn't know she was holding. Thank Merlin. He hadn't heard. Relieved that she wouldn't be embarrassing herself that morning, she snuggled her head under the pillow. "Go get it yourself! I'm not your house-elf."

She felt a heavy hand land on the middle of her back, "Please?"

"No."

"I'll be your best mate." Roger's husky, sleep laden voice was closer than she thought.

She turned her head towards him all the while still being under the pillow and saw that he had joined her in her position. Even in the dark his eyes were illuminated. "Is that supposed to convince me?"

His eyes crinkled as a smile cracked his face, "Bitch."

Jude came up for air and shook her head in amusement. "Jerk."

She slid down the bed, flexing her legs and reaching up to the headboards. Relaxed from her stretching, she laid on the bed for a moment then kicked out her leg suddenly, catching Roger's shin. "I'm not getting out of this bed before ten and it's only half past eight. I'd go get it myself, mate, if I were you."

Roger groaned a throaty sound that reverberated through her, "You're so ungrateful."

"What?" Jude started.

Roger chuckled as he sat up, "Did I not say it clear enough?"

Jude stared at him incredulously.

"You, Judas Serafina Heathrow," he took his pillow and smacked it against her stomach, though it felt like nothing she still winced, "are an ungrateful little bitch."

Jude glared at him and for a moment Roger thought he had gone too far. It'd happened a few times before, the memory of weeks spent in silence were fresh in his memory. She never did like the word. It really wasn't his fault; he'd heard a muggleborn say it to someone and thought it was just another name he could annoy her with. He had his mouth open, ready to apologize when white fluff suddenly hit him square in the face. The pillow fell to his lap but his mouth remained open like a fish.

Amusement was all over Jude's face as she sprang out of the bed and away from the vicinity of his hands. She laughed at Roger's expression on her way to the door.

"I'm looking for a new best mate."

"Good," Jude smirked, "I was getting tired of pretending to be yours."

She heard another pillow hit the door as she made her way back to her own room where she'd undoubtedly spend a few more hours sleeping.