Everything Here is True!
By Oekitarts
Disclaimer: I am not Tite-sama. SHUT UP. EVERYTHING HERE IS TRUE. PROMISE! Unyuu!
Chapter One: Everything Here is Legal
The whole of Soul Society is in an unquenchable uproar following a scandal that will undoubtedly change the face of the Shinigami race forever. In the newly rebuilt Central 46 Chambers, Kon, replacing an unnamed generic old man as a judge for no reason steps up to the lectern and speaks.
"The defendant, please come to the stand," said the menacing Judge Kon. "The defendant, one Ichigo Kurosaki has committed theft from several people. Will these people please acknowledge your presences and address the accused? Starting with you, Rukia nee-san."
"You son of a-- KON! Knock off the lame accent! Just why are YOU on the stand and not (removed)-ojii-san?" interrupted Ichigo.
"Silence, Ichigo! I will never forgive you for the unforgivable sin that you committed to my beloved nee-chan! You will be sentenced properly today!"
"Whatever, Kon. Go ahead with your little charade," darted back Ichigo at the impudent plushie.
"Relax, Kon," said Rukia. "All he did was grab some change from my purse when I wasn't looking. Big deal. Let me out of here already."
An enraged Ganju begged to differ. "Objection! Permission to have Kuchiki retained!"
"NICE, GANJU! Nee-chan is retained in court!" said a delightful Kon.
"ICHIGO, YOU IDIOT! HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY BEDSIDE LAMP?"
"I didn't steal it you mealy-mouthed bastard!"
"Yes you did! Well, I was planning to buy one yesterday, and then when I got home, it wasn't there! I thought about buying it but then… it disappeared? Uhh… YOU IDIOT, ICHIGO! I'LL HAVE NEE-CHAN KICK YOUR ASS FOR THIS!"
"…what the HELL are you talking about?" asked Ichigo addressing Ganju's blatant inconsistency.
"Or…der? Order in the court? Screw this. SHUT UP, ICHIGO!" shouted Kon. "Would anyone else like to address the accused?
"You stole my souvenir sword!" shouted Kira.
"You stole my eyebrows!" shouted Renji, pointing to his pink-spotted forehead.
"You stole Yoruichi-sama!" cried out Soifon.
"But I'm right here," answered Yoruichi.
"That brat stole your undying respect! You don't talk to me anymore… and rumor has it you and him went training without me… and and and-- (sniffle)"
"There, there, you little spoiled little trash-bag bitch. Yeah yeah. Cry on my shoulder like you do fifty times a day. Shhhh shhh shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Don't cry bitch, you'll make my shoulder salty. I SAID DON'T CRY! ARGH! BITCH, I'LL CHOKE YOU! OW, STOP BITING ME!"
"Orange-chan stole my dinner!" exclaimed a fuming Yachiru. "I wanted a peach pie for dinner but Ken-chan made stew instead! THAT MEANS ORANGE-CHAN STOLE IT!! GIVE IT BACK STUPID-HEAD!"
"Yachiru, Ichigo didn't steal your dinner. Oh and by the way, YOU SUM'BITCH, I'LL FUCKIN' KILL YOU, YOU STOLE MY DEC'RATIVE SWORD STAND!"
"You stole my hair!" shouted Ikkaku.
"You don't have hair," answered Ichigo.
"I know. YOU STOLE IT!"
"You wrongfully seized one of my medicine flasks," respectfully said Unohana-taicho.
"You stole my cape. The other one. No wait, I only had nine to begin with. My bad. Sorry, Ichigo," said Ishida and shamefully walked away.
"You stole my dignity and my manhood, not to mention my pride and my sense of morality, and several of my hand-crafted, wooden imitation Senbonzakura ornamental petals." stoically complained Byakuya.
"Asshole! That's not a proper claim! Byakuya's just mad because I kicked his ass!" shouted Ichigo.
"Objection! What is the relevance?" objected Ganju.
"You're not a lawyer, but ok. I hereby give Ganju-san one shot at Ichigo's cheek! Byakuya gets two," said Kon.
After two hours, the court still hasn't reached a compromise. By now, everyone even the Judge and Ichigo himself (with the aid of Ganju) have taken their share of punches at the defendant. Unohana took some convincing but even she had unleashed some whoop-ass on the poor shinigami substitute.
"Alright! I get it! Enough already!" said Ichigo.
"Alright, spare the boy! He's about to hear the real news anyway!" shouted Kon.
"Who're you calling…"
"Ichigo. You are hereby sentenced to death and you will be executed after lunch. The court is adjourned."
The crowd exploded in applause.
"WHAT?? You can't kill me! You have no proof!"
"Ichigo! Let me ask you one thing! Are you SCARED?"
"No! I'm about to kick your ass!"
"Just before you do that. KNOW THIS!"
"What??"
"You should be scared, you fool!"
With that word, everyone in Central 46's chambers magically disappeared and Kon's figure changed of that to Sosuke Aizen. Ichigo's face was pale as he saw that he was surrounded by shinigami with video cameras. Mayuri-taicho was standing there cackling.
"The illusion is released," said Sosuke.
"You're on Scare tactics!" stated everyone in unison.
"Aizen? Mayuri!? SON OF A--"
"In the end, Ichigo couldn't handle the heat that a REAL shinigami faces everyday. Of course, he's still roaming around Soul Society trying to find Sosuke-kun and I and chop our heads off. But he won't find us here in the studio. Anyway, I'm Mayuri-sama. Scare ya later."