Before you read this, just know it's total crap, and may be slightly offensive. That aside, I'v always wanted to make an abridged series, but have not the equipment to do so. Alas, this is my rendition of the first episode which I just happen to re watch quite a while back. I started yelling at the TV, and before I knew it, I was typing as I talked to the characters ….. Yeah …. anyway…I know I should update and all, but I just can't find the time anymore….): anyway, if you have it available, you may want to read this while watching the actual first episode, I made a lot of jokes that will fly over peoples heads because they were relatively unimportant to the bigger plots of the episode.
Sorry this is crap, it was just lazing about on my comp. so I decided to post it. Its like an abridged series, just not as short. ;)
Disclaimer; GR © MOA
Narrator: hOkay so heres the earth a pretty nice earth you might say.
NO, we are not ruining ze end of ze world!
Narrator: Fine, here is the earth all happy face and shiz when suddenly, Oh teh Nose! a huge explosion goes off, presumably in Europe or eastern Russia. Since then every thing that breaths, walks and sh*ts on the carpet has had small government issue nanites in them. And five years later, they start turning people into ugly mo-fos with terrible dental hygiene, or was that just this guy?
We call them evos, (Extremely Violent Oatmeal) and they really like their star bucks! Seriously, you thought your grandpa would kill for a cup of coffee? Check out this guy, for every step he has to take to get to his Caramel Macchiato made with nonfat milk and sugar-free vanilla syrup he steps on a building. In order to help the situation we made providence, to bad providence doesn't really do anything, we just send out clones to shoot stuff to make it look like we're not a total waste of your tax dollars. ^^
News lady: as you can see we have another person going into star bucks withdrawals, the poor soul. Apparently this qualifies as news, now I'm going to get the F*ck outta here before I die. Back to you Tom.
*monster spits red stuff*
Prov. Guys: OMG, Tomato soup!
Narrator: Now, in case you were wondering, there really is only one thing to do in this situation; play wall-ball.
Bobo: why don't you go help? *ball hits hat* Hey! Now everyone knows I'm a monkey!
Man In Office: protect me desk!
News lady: hopefully some hero will come to save us, preferably a young, sexy thing with the power to resolve this conflict! Ahem
Rex: …Hm? Oh! You were talking to me, well, lets see….Hey a button *presses button* OMG! I'm gonna fall! save meh Bobo! No! don't push me out! Ahhhhhhhhhhh! *is falling* ahhh! I gotta do something! *hits evo* OmG! Mister, I'm so sorry, my friend pushed me out of a hellichopper are you okay?
*Evo shoots red stuff* Ahh! Tomato soup! My one weakness! *punches evo* I only eat chicken noodle! *evo shoots blue stuff* Ah! Skim milk! My other one weakness! I only drink 2%!
Narrator: hey the Keep is having a baby. Its Six! Yayz!
Six whats going on, I can't see out of these things.
Prov guy: Rex found a button sir.
Six: Not again!
Holiday: Make sure he doesn't die this time
Six: okay…
Rex: look at meh! I can fly! *evo hits building and people scream bellow* crap!
Six: hey look, peoplez
Rex: why are they all standing there! Run you foolish fooly fools!
Holiday: six, I just lost another round of spider solitaire, I'm gunna play on your webkinz, kay?
Six: no don't!
Rex: I know! I'll shoot mah hairballs at it! *Evo falls down* I win! *Rex leaves w/ six*
BioWulf: how the hell did we get on this roof!
Narrator: Meanwhile, back at the ranch.
Rex: yay wall-ball!
White: Six, why the hell do you wear all green?
Six: why the hell are you such a whitey boy? And why do you drink skim milk! 2% is better!
Rex: *going into the glowy tunnel thing* yay spaceship!
Holiday: why did you epic fail off-sceen?
Rex: Gimme meds! Im crazy! *Six comes in* Oh hey Six, we were just talking about you.
Holiday: no…we weren't.
*Skip to petting zoo*
Rex: CONSTIPATION! * poops out rex ride* Common Bobo!
Bobo: is this really a turd?
Six: I still can't see out of these damn glasses….
*Holiday reaches for Six and misses*
BUDDING ROMANCE EPIC FAIL!1
Rex: Ow, ow, ow, damn trees! Hey look! The dooooorrr to mai imagination….
Bobo: dumbass, that's the exit.
Rex: I knowed that.
Lights start flashing
Six on screen: Again?
Holiday: Don't blame me, man! Mine sweeper is impossible!
Rex outside: I hope I don't get bugs in my teeth…
Guys at the skate park
Oarnge Vest Guy: Daaaaammmmmmnnnn! That's like, a whole 45 degrees man!
Sunglasses Guy: Shut the hell up, Tad! Jesus…this show needs more black people….
Rex: how bout a Latino?
Sunglasses guy: well yeah I guess that would work too….Cartoon Network really needs some variety….hey wait! Who are you?
Rex: I GOT THIS!
Random Guys: Whoah! Check out those awesome moves he's doing off-screen! I bet the watchers wish they could see it….
Rex lands: LEAP FROG!
At the vending machines:
Tad (apparently): Do it again!
Rex: kay. *sends can flying at him*
Generic punks: dude! You suck!
Noah: I snuck up on you! I am such a good spy!
Rex: whoah! Dude, who the hell are you?
Noah: uhhhhhhh…not a spy?
Skip to Biowulf:
Biowulf: Geezus….that blond prostitute is a terrible spy…..
At the sewer…half pipe….skate park…what ever, you know what I mean!
Rex: why did the EVO cross the road?
Noah: IDK. Why?
Rex:…..oh…..I don't know either….that's kinda why I asked you….
Noah:….oh…well I don't know….and I'm not just saying that because I'm really a spy.
Bobo:…I miss Tad….
Six: Hey my agent senses are tingling.
Rex: uhhhhhhh….eww.
Six: we need to get out of here.
Skalamander: *hits Noah, Rex, and Bobo into portal* Boom Bitch! Get out the way!
Rex: *flying into portal* THE CAKE IS A LIE!
In abases (I know its spelled wrong, get over it.)
Noah: I get no lines in this scene….):
Bobo: Are…are we in Georgia?
Kliess: Come with me! We'll go and see a place called pedo-castle!
Bobo: Who needs pedo-castle! It's safer with Agent Six!
Kliess: But there aint no swamps, or skeetoes, or a pack all made of dicks!
The pack: HEY!
Bobo: It's dangerous and risky!
Kliess: But ridiculous and free!
Rex: Ridiculous? that's the life for me!
Kliess: we never shower and all smell like old cheese!
Noah: That doesn't sound very fun to me….
Kliess: well it is. ):
*Noah, kicking Breach; I'm getting the hell outta here!
Bobo and Noah leave.
Breach: well…that was embarrassing….
Rex: Hi guys, I made it out too!
*as their flying they start to fall*
Rex: STUPID GRAVITY!
The pack comes out of nowhere
Rex: No fair! Gravity is playing favorites again!
Six comes out of nowhere
Noah: And suddenly, the situation seems a little less dire.
The four run to the clearing where Kliess pops out. A brush hits Six
Noah: I take it back.
Rex: you just got pwned by a friggen tree!
Six: Shut up!
Trees come up around them.
Rex: /heavy sarcasm/ wow….trees…what a horrid situation! If only I had a match, then we wouldn't be in this mess…
Smoky: Only you can prevent wildfires.
Noah: Shut up you stupid bear! No one cares about the forest anymore! Its all about the Gulf!
Everyone glares at Noah.
Noah: What? Too soon?
Rex: Screw it! *kills Kliess and they escape*
Back at Providence HQ
White: Noah, you are a terrible spy. Here have some milk.
Noah: dude! Lactose intolerant! Get that sh*t away from me!
Back in Rex's new room
Rex: hmmmm….kinda smells like …..cheese….oh no….
THA END!
Congrats on making it though til the end. Spelling errors and line confusion aside, this was kinda fun. Anyway….um…hasta!