Genre: Humor/Parody
Pairings: Harry Potter / Many
Spoilers: OotP. Maybe some HBP.
Warnings: Graphic violence, cursing, and some sexual themes.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in the books, the HP universe, it's characters or magical objects. All those belong to J.K. Rowling.
Summary: A lone boy was walking outside, soaked through, singing in his despair. Harry Potter's life wasn't going well. Not until his birthday where he receive unexpected surprises. Post OotP. Macabre and humorous parody of the most common Harry Potter fanfictions.
Author's Notes: This is an Alternate Story beginning after OotP. Basically it's a very clichéd fanfiction humoristic fanfiction. It is also my 'first' one written in English.
Special Thanks: To my wonderful beta Niyki who took the time to point out every mistakes and make some useful suggestions.

Ascension

A year has passed since Sirius died.

Yet, the pain in my chest didn't lessen every time I thought about him.

I killed him. I acted like a stupid brat. I was arrogant. I thought I could rescue him. And he wasn't even there. I was tricked by Voldemort. Instead, Sirius came to my rescue. He was killed because of my arrogance. I killed him.

Many things have changed since. I learned things I wasn't meant to learn. I was betrayed more deeply I could have ever imagined. I did things no human has ever done before. Still, the pain of Sirius death didn't lessen all this time.

Let me tell you my story…

Chapter One

Surprises

It was a dark, cold and silent night. It was raining hard and lightning was striking every few minutes with a terrible roar. Okay, it wasn't that silent. Under the obsidian black sky the nearly identical houses of Little Whinging seemed dead. Everything seemed to be dead.

A lone boy was walking outside, soaked through, singing in his despair. That's me. He felt dead. He was dead inside. A month ago, his godfather Sirius died.

"I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known..." the dull voice could be heard. He was singing terribly, nevertheless despair could be felt in his words.

He rarely talked to strangers. His godfather Sirius Black was a stranger, and a fugitive. He escaped from the most dangerous prison in the Wizarding World, Azkaban, where he was wrongfully imprisoned for a murder he did not commit. Until recently, he barely talked with him. Since he escaped, they exchanged a few letters; they talked when the boy was in Grimmauld Place, the Most Noble House of Black, which is also the headquarters for Dumbledore's organization, the Order of the Phoenix, but that's all. Sirius was like a real stranger. He didn't know anything about him. Still, he mourned him.

"Don't know where it goes... probably death... but it's home to me and I walk alone..."

So, they barely knew each other. Plus, Sirius was a little nuts, though it's usually normal as people tended to lose their mind in the fearful prison of Azkaban. Yet, he couldn't forget about his godfather. It was terrible. Really. He even tried to cut his veins, though it unfortunately healed magically. Now he found pleasure in cutting himself in various places to leave scars. It's really sick.

"I walk this empty street..." the boy paused. He couldn't remember what the next thing he was supposed to sing was.

The lone boy finally found his way back home.

When he closed the door of the house, he could hear his uncle yell. His uncle came, each step making the whole house shake, and greeted the boy with a slap.

'Boy, you didn't do your chores today! You won't have food for two days! Now go to your room and make sure I don't see you again, you freak! You'd better be quiet if you don't want to be beaten to near death so Snape can find you nearly dead, take you away from our houses and finally adopt you!'

The 'boy', horrified by what his uncle told him, went as fast as possible to the smallest room of the house. His room. He took his coat and sat on his bed, still trying not to think about Snape being his father. It would give him many nightmares.

His usually messy black hair was soaked. His green eyes were dull, devoid of life. His lightning-shaped scar on his forehead was blood red. If you haven't guessed by now, the boy is Harry Potter. Well, he is me. So, where was I?

Tomorrow's his birthday. Tomorrow he'll probably get a few books from Hermione, chocolate frogs from Ron, iron cakes from Hagrid and most likely a Pensieve from Dumbledore. That's what he usually get each time my godfather dies so he can put his memories in it and Dumbledore can check remotely whether he's still in his control or practicing Dark Arts.

So, he waited, alone, checking every now and then an old Rolex watch he stole from a big, black guy.

Midnight.

It's midnight, let's see what he's getting now. He opened the window and waited.

Owls suddenly filled his room. There were two large, grey owls; a little, fuzzy owl behaving like a snitch, Pig –or Pigwidgeon, then there was a strange, white owl with black stripes. No, it's a black owl with white stripes. Or maybe a black and white owl with white and black stripes. Whatever. They dropped letters, presents, feathers, and some bird shit on the floor. He winced. On his head, too.

He opened the first package. It was from Dumbledore. Along with a letter, there was a Pensieve. It was smaller than the one he had seen in Dumbledore's office, or Snape's office, because he always had to get small things. He was small. He had a small room. He had small glasses. He had a small wand. He even had a second one even smaller. He placed the Pensieve aside, unrolled the letter and began to read it.

Dear Harry,

I hope that this letter finds you well. I write you to inform you that you will not be able to leave your home before the end of the summer because of the protections put in place by your mother. I had hoped to retrieve you for your birthday so you could spend time with your friends at Grimmauld Place; however, should you leave, the protections would fail and you could be intercepted at any moment. Your safety and well-being is my highest priority.

That being said, I apologize for any pain I may have caused you after the events of the Department of Mysteries. I assure you that this was not my intent. All I can say, once again, is that everything I have done has been in your best interest and for the greater good. Sirius's death was not your fault. Still, you must study harder at Occlumency to make sure that something like this does not happen again. This is why you must continue under Professor Snape's tutelage again. Perhaps, this time, you will give him full attention and put your feuds aside.

If you are not yet aware, let me tell you that Gringotts will be contacting you soon for the Will reading of Sirius Black. I stress to you the importance of your safety and the major security risk that this event encompasses. In light of this, I have decided that I will act as your representative and pass along anything you will receive. I'm sorry that things have to be this way. I truly am.

Albus Dumbledore

PS: I gave you a Pensieve as a present for your birthday. You can store any memory you want to see it more clearly or just to appease what is on your mind. Use it well.

Harry was astounded at how he dared to send him this. For the greater good, my ass! He just wanted his secret weapon to be under his control. He thought Harry would accept his apology. How can it be for his best interests to be locked up the whole summer?

Still, a single tear shed from his eyes at the mention of Sirius name.

He took the next letter and unrolled it. It was from his bushy-haired friend Hermione.

Dear Harry,

You won't believe what I saw! I am currently in Egypt. It's really amazing seeing huge pyramids with my own eyes. I was even at the Library of Alexandria. It's even more amazing. There are thousands of thousands of books. Hogwarts library is tiny in comparison.

When I was at a market a strange man gave me a book. No spell could translate it, so I'm sending it to you, maybe you'll have more luck than me. I'm also sending you a copy of some books about Defense Against Dark Arts that I found here.

I'm sorry about what happened in the Ministry. You weren't responsible for what happened, it wasn't your fault. Don't forget to practice Occlumency.

If your scar huts, you must tell Dumbledore immediately and not take any actions on your own. Adults are here to help you, and we are here to spy on you, you know. You are not alone.

Your friend,

Hermione

He is angry with Hermione. She was his friend for five years. How could she not trust him after all they went through together? Dumbledore must be giving her his money if she spies on him. Harry could understand why Ron would do it. He was, after all, poor. But Hermione... she has dentist parents! They're filthy rich!

Harry took the mysterious book she'd given him. It looked quite old. There were some strange inscriptions on its red leather cover. It reminded him of something, but he couldn't grasp what. He focused and the inscriptions were now in English. How is this possible?

"The Book of Time, by Salazar Slytherin," he read.

It must have been written in Parseltongue, he concluded. I opened it and read the first page.

The Book of Time is a powerful artifact I made in order to have more time to work on my projects.
It allows the user to distort time in the room where the book is.
For every day the user spends in the room, a second would pass normally.
The Book of Time can only be used once in a decade.
The user cannot use The Book of Time outdoors.
There is no time limit to how long the user can stay within the Time Distortion Field, however once you deactivate it, you cannot use it again until ten years later.
The incantation to activate the Book of Time is on the next page.

Harry was really amazed that he'd received such a powerful artifact. It could prove really useful. He decided that he'd better not tell Dumbledore or he would take it from Harry. He would think it's Dark Arts.

The next letter was from Ron.

Hey mate!

How are you? Are the Muggles treating you all right? There's not much going on here at the Burrow. Mum and Dad are at Grimmauld Place nearly all the time and the Twins are opening their new shop. I don't know how they got the money to do it.

Oh, and Happy Birthday!

Ron

With the letter were some chocolate frogs. Obviously, Ron couldn't think of anything but food. Nor did he have money to buy anything else. His parents couldn't even buy a ten galleon wand! Harry really wondered why they didn't sell one of their children to a Chinese hospital. After all, human internal organs were worth a lot. Wizard internal organs would be priceless.

Then there was a letter from Ginny.

Dear Harry,

Happy Birthday! I wish you could be here with us, but Dumbledore says it's impossible because of the protections around your place. So, how has been your summer so far?

I'm really sorry for Sirius. I hope you don't blame yourself too much. It will eventually fade with time. I was really impressed by how well you managed in the Ministry. You should be proud that many Death-Eaters were captured thanks to you.

Love,

Ginny

'Love'? Obviously Ginny still had her crush on him. Wait a minute! Wasn't she with Dean? Well whatever. Harry didn't like her at all. He wouldn't even fuck her. After all, being poor, she must sell her body often. He wouldn't risk getting AIDS or syphilis because of her.

Hey, now that I think of it, would Voldemort stop trying to kill me if I give him in exchange a sex slave? Ginny would be perfect for this. Red hair, red freckles, red eyes. They would be great together. Sounds like a good idea. Well, to me, at least.

There is one last letter Harry still hadn't read. The one from the white black-striped owl. Or rather black white-striped owl.

Unrolling the parchment, he saw it was from Gringotts. What did they want?

Dear Lord Potter,

We are contacting you to request your presence at the Gringotts Bank in Diagon Alley. You are to meet in person with the President of this branch of Gringotts, Ragnok the Greedy, to discuss a matter of great importance concerning Sirius Orion Black's will reading as well as your Legacy.

We have taken the liberty to make an appointment the 1st of August at 6:00 P.M. If this does not suit your schedule, please contact us in order to find a suitable appointment time.

Regards,

Madhic the Horny,
Personal Secretary of the President of Gringotts

This is interesting. But what is this Legacy? I think Harry should be going, whether Dumbledore likes it or not. He will be mad, because Harry escaped from his control, but well, that's the point. Let's just sleep for now.

And so, Harry drifted to a peaceful sleep.

oOoOoOo

I awoke in a strange room.

It was a room devoid of doors and windows. There were just grey bare walls. I was afraid. I was sleeping at the Dursleys, and now I wake in an unknown place. It's a good reason to be scared. Maybe it was Voldemort. Or Dumbledore. Maybe I was abducted by grey aliens?

Suddenly, seven people appeared in the room. They were like ghosts.

"Greetings, young one," said an old white-robbed, white-bearded, pale-skinned and blue-eyed bald ghost, "I am Merlin the Great, one of your ancestors."

"I am Godric Gryffindor, one of your most, well, courageous ancestors," said Godric. He had black messy hair much like Harry and wore simple robes.

"I am Salazar Slytherin, one of your most cunning ancestors," said Salazar. He wore a hooded cloak and only green eyes could be seen, glowing like gems.

"I am Rowena Ravenclaw, one of your most intelligent ancestors," said Rowena, pride in her eyes.

"I am Helga Hufflepuff, one of your most weak ancestors," said Helga.

"I am... well, I'm Fred Flintstone, and I think I'm your ancestor too," said Fred. He wore some black-dotted orange prehistoric clothes.

"I am Gandalf the White, I was just passing by," said Gandalf and then disappeared.

After they finished introducing themselves, I thought, 'What the fuck'?

"What the fuck? I mean, what the fuck are you doing here? And where I am?" I asked them, not really being polite.

"What? You didn't know that at the age of sixteen you have a Magical Maturation?" asked Godric skeptically.

It must be Dumbledore. He always keeps me in the dark. I didn't know I was a wizard until eleven. I didn't know what Apparition or Portkeys were until someone told me just before my fourth year in Hogwarts. Hell, I still don't know the occupations of my parents or anything about their personal lives. Well, there's the fact I didn't ask, but hell, somebody could have told me at least.

"Every Wizard undergoes a Magical Maturation process when they are sixteen and receive their bloodline Gifts. Every Wizard knows that."

"So what do I get and how do I get home after that?" I asked.

"You will receive your Legacy in a short moment. And right now, you are still asleep," was the answer I got.

"If you say so," I muttered.

Merlin began to list each Gift I was getting.

"From Myrddin, you receive the True Mage Sight, an ability to see and detect Magic around you. Your current Magical Core will tenfold in size as well. You gain also from the unbreakable Occlumency shields and the ability to do Legilimency without eye contact."

"From Gryffindor, your body will have an increased agility and stamina. You will become more muscled and will gain an aptitude to use various blades and daggers. You gain the ability to use Wandless Magic as easily as Wanded Magic. Your body will also gain the ability to create strong pheromones that instantly attract any female to you."

"From Slytherin, you receive the gift of Shadow. You will be able to blend into shadows, but also travel through them. You will gain the ability to become invisible at will. You gain also the Laser-Eyes; your eye sight will become perfect and you will be able to shoot laser beams with your eyes that instantly kills the target. No Magical shields could block the beam. It's as deadly as Avada Kedavra. Your potion skills will increase rather consequently."

"From Ravenclaw, you receive the gift of Knowledge. You will be able to read a book a hundred times faster. You will have a photographic memory and your thinking capacity will increase. You will also become a Metamorphmagus and a Multi-Animagus."

"From Hufflepuff, you will receive the power to summon any first year Hufflepuff to protect you from dangerous curses you cannot dodge, at the cost of their lives."

"And from me, Flintstone, you will receive the ability to summon at will a Mammoth mount to travel long distances. And you receive the ability to lay dinosaur eggs. Oh and I forgot, you also gain the ability of Experience. It makes you able to master any ability you already have."

"And now, we must leave young one."

"We are proud to be your ancestors."

"And we hope you will live a long and interesting life."

"Farewell, young one. We'll see you again when you reach the age of a second Magical Maturation."

What? I still haven't got everything?

Darkness filled the room where I was.

oOoOoOo

I woke up. I was again in Privet Drive and I felt different. I could think more clearly. I felt powerful. I felt I was ready to use my powers. And hell, I did use them.

I conjured Wandlessly a breakfast without even thinking and that was then that I realized my mistake. I did magic. The ministry will show up and I'll get expelled from Hogwarts and they'll break my wand.

I looked at the window. Nothing came. I waited. Still nothing. They must have tracking charms on the wands, apparently.

After this strange night, I decided it was really high time to change the way I lived.

I put Dudley's old torn jeans and I conjured a leather sleeveless tight vest that showed well the shape of my new pectoral and abdominal muscles. I used my Metamorphmagus ability to change slightly my face and hide my lightning-shaped scar. I changed the color of my eyes to obsidian black. I made my hair long and I tied them in ponytail. I conjured the kind of robes only an aristocratic rich person would wear. Then I just put a black bandana to hide my already hidden scar.

I looked at myself in the mirror. I could barely recognize myself. And I looked hot. Even Malfoy wasn't that hot.

So, I spent the rest of the day reading many times the books I had. It was really impressive. I could read a five hundred pages book in less than five minutes and remember everything.

When I finished reading all books I began testing my powers. It was amazing.

I especially liked my Laser-Eyes. I could destroy anything with high precision. However, when Hedwig suddenly hooted I turned my head to see what it was and I accidentally pulverized her; she exploded in a not really beautiful mass of feathers and internal organs splashed over the whole room. It wasn't pretty at all. I cast 'Scourgify' and it was clean again.

I looked at my watch. It was 5:45 PM. Time to go to Gringotts.

After a breath, I shimmered. I was in the Shadow plane. It was wicked. Everything was high contrasted and black and white. I thought of where I would go and next thing I know is that I'm in a black and white Diagon Alley with blurry shapes moving. I shimmered out of the Shadow plane.

It was still early in the morning and there were not a lot of people out there.

I made my way first to Gringotts. I passed the front door. There's another doors that are engraved with the following rhyme:

Enter, stranger, but take heed
Of what awaits the sin of greed
For those who take, but do not earn,
Must pay most dearly in their turn.
So if you seek beneath our floors
A treasure that was never yours,
Thief, you have been warned, beware
Of finding more than treasure there.

I pass the second doors and I'm the main hall. I find the nearest goblin to ask him where Ragnok is.

"Hello... Griphook. I have an appointment with Ragnok in five minutes..."

"Harry Potter? How did you recognize me? Wizards don't even recognize us. I knew you were different!"

"Er...I saw your name on the tag."

Griphook merely nodded, a sad look on his face. He had hoped really hard that someday Wizards will become more friendly and concerned about Goblins.

"Follow me," he said.

I arrived before a large door. Griphook opened it and I entered in Ragnok's office. No one was sitting at the desk. There was just a little skinny Goblin dressed in a black suit playing with some strange golden stones.

"Hello, I'm Harry Potter. I have an appointment with Ragnok, the President of Gringotts."

"I am Ragnok" he said and began searching for some parchments until he finally found it.

"Ah, here. Lord Myrddin Gryffindor Ravenclaw Slytherin Hufflepuff Potter, greetings."

"As you know, Sirius Orion Black deceased two months ago. He chose to leave you all his fortune as well as twelve Castles and twenty-seven Manors that belonged to the Black family."

"However, Albus Dumbledore found that it wasn't right for you to have the whole fortune and made an appeal to resort to an old Wizarding law. As result of this, three thirds of the fortune will go to the Malfoys. As he appointed himself as your Magical guardian, he has total control over the Potter Family vault."

"No way!" I interrupted. Why did the old man have to mess with my business? Now the money's gone to bloody Voldemort because of him!

"Lord Myrddin Gryffindor Ravenclaw Slytherin Hufflepuff Potter, please listen to what I have to say," the Goblin continued.

"As I knew that you would not be pleased with this, I began looking through old laws. There is but one way to declare the appeal void: you have to challenge Albus Dumbledore to a duel to death and win."

I thought about this for a moment. It could be good.

"I'll think about it. So, I read in the letter that was sent to my 'Legacy' was mentioned. Is it the Magical Legacy you were speaking about?"

"No, it isn't, sir. As you are the direct descendant of Myrddin, Lord Gryffondor, Lord Slytherin, Lady Ravenclaw and Lady Hufflepuff, you will inherit their vault as well, forty-five castles and a hundred and one manors. Plus, Hogwarts will belong entirely to you."

I was quite surprised by what I got. I thought at first it was a bad joke. But Goblins are known to never joke.

"Okay," I said slowly.

A few moments later I began visiting the vaults I had.

There were many Magical Artifacts in these vaults and there was a lot of money too.

I asked the Goblin if he knew how much I had in total.

"Sir, you have the total amount of 645,977,321,945,564 galleons. You are the richest person on this planet," he said with a gleam of envy in his eyes.

I picked some magical daggers, a Katana and a Wakizashi in Gryffindor's vault. I found a green and silver cloak in Slytherin vault that protected the wearer against magical attacks, even the Unforgivables. The cloak had also many hidden bottomless password-protected pockets. I put all the money I found in the vaults into these pockets. I also found Merlin's staff in his vault. It is rumored to be the most powerful focus device existing in the World. It is capable to amplify a thousand time your magic when you use it. And it is also rumored to be able to transform in a simple wand.

The staff transformed into a wand. I cast 'Avis'. The whole vault was filled with birds. Seems like the rumors are true. So, it was impossible to move. I cast 'Finite Incantem' and the birds disappeared. The light in the vault disappeared too, but I didn't know why.

The Goblin lit a candle. I exited the vault. I got in the cart, but it wouldn't move. The Goblin couldn't understand what happened. I asked him what it is.

"I don't know, sir, seems like all enchantments seems to be gone."

I had a good idea what happened. My 'Finite Incantem' had a greater effect than what I had hoped. I put Merlin's Staff/Wand in my pocket.

"I can teleport out there," I said to the Goblin, before shimmering in the Shadow Plane.

I reappeared in Diagon Alley, leaving a dumbstruck Goblin. It's time for some shopping.

I entered in the Magical Storage shop.

"What can I do for you?" asked a cracked voice belonging to an old completely bald man that wore tiny triangular glasses.

"I'm here to buy a Magical trunk," I stated.

"We have here many trunks; there are standard trunks with one compartment with various enchantments," he began.

I interrupted him, "What's the most expansive one you have?"

"Well, there is a prototype I finished just a little while ago. I've worked on it for forty years. It's a fifty compartments trunk where the first ten can be used as storage and the others contain whole houses. You can live in forty different houses in your trunk if it's what you wish. There is in each compartment a Transportation ring so you can navigate through other compartments while being inside. Each house has twenty bedrooms, a dungeon, a potion laboratory, two thousands prison cells where you can put your prisoners, two huge practice areas, a dueling zone and many empty rooms that you can customize as you wish," he described the prototype.

"That will do it. How much?" I asked.

"Sir, you do realize that this will cost a whole fortune," he told me.

"Of course. How much?" I repeated.

"250,000 Galleons and 3 knuts," he told me.

"3 knuts?" I asked.

"I thought it was funny to add that to the price. Never mind."

I took the right amount of money out of my pocket, put it in a huge Wandlessly conjured pouch and dropped it on his desk.

The shopkeeper looked at me in disbelief. He took his wand and checked if it was the right amount. His eyes grew even wider than before.

"Thank you for your purchase," he said, not knowing what else to say.

After leaving the shop, I headed to Knockturn Alley. With my new aristocratic look, everyone will fear me and I won't be disturbed.

Wandering through many narrow streets I noticed a little shop that caught my eye. I read the inscriptions "Jebemteemaaykuu - Japanese Wand Makers since 1994".

Even though I had already a wand and Merlin's staff that could turn into a wand, I decided to buy a new wand. I entered in the shop.

A very little Japanese old man said, "Gero gero gaijin. Kusatta ningen, baka."

It was probably their way to welcome someone. I told him, "Hello. Nice to meet you".

"Dekai guzu. What can I do for you, baka?" he asked me.

"Sure. Actually, I would like to buy a customized wand, if it's possible."

"Of course," he said, "wakawakashii."

He presented me with various Wand Cores and Magical woods. I felt some kind of pulling from some materials and I choose.

Thirty minutes later, he came with the finished wand.

It's a fourteen inches long wand made of ebony with engraved dragons. It had five Wand cores in it: Phoenix heart, Basilisk fang, Nundu eyes, Dementor blood and finally the most powerful Magical substance, Rabbit sperm.

"Here's your wand, anta no baka."

I took the wand in my hand. I felt a surge of power like I never felt before. Green sparks flew out of my wand creating a big hole to where it was pointed. I liked this new wand. It was really cool-looking and certainly powerful.

"How much?" I asked

"Eleven galleons, baka."

The price was much lower than what I expected. But well, I was in Knockturn Alley, everything is cheaper there. I paid for the wand.

"Good bye," I said.

As I was leaving the shop I could hear, "Chimpo saru." Probably some sort of Japanese goodbye. I heard once on the telly that Japanese people were very polite. That's the impression I got here. For once, they weren't making things up on the television.

A few hours later, I finished my shopping trip. It was dark and I could barely see where I was going. Suddenly I heard a noise behind me. I wanted to turn and see what it was, however, I felt a wand pointed behind my back.

"Your money or your life. I know you have a lot of money. I've been following you since you got here."

I didn't really know what to do. So I said no.

"No, I won't give you anything, you Dark Wizard!"

"Very well, then, AVADA KEDAVRA."

However, as soon as I heard him saying the killing curse, I did the only thing that came to my mind. I transformed into a Phoenix. Well, Merlin's cloak would have protected me, still I transformed into a Phoenix.

The curse hit me. It felt odd. I couldn't see anything. What's weirder is that I knew why: I turned into ashes. I just hope there's no wind tonight. It takes a few hours to be reborn I think. Aww, that's really stupid. I mean, turning into a Phoenix. Only I could have thought of that. I could have let the spell hit me, or Apparate someplace safe, Shimmer in the Shadow Plane or even summon some helpless and innocent Hufflepuff boy on the path of the curse. But no. I had to turn into a Phoenix to show how pretty I am.

If I were able to see, I would see a man in ragged clothes wondering why I turned into ashes. After a few minutes the man left.

If I were able to feel anything, I would feel people walking on me.

When I was reborn a few hours later, I turned back into my human form. It felt good to be human.

If there's one good thing I learned about Phoenix, it's that I don't like being killed while I'm into this form. There's another thing I learned too. I could 'flash' like Phoenixes, teleporting myself anywhere. That's cool. I can Apparate, Shimmer and even Flash.

So, I flashed home.

oOoOoOo

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