Memento Mori Tag number three
Rating: Again shouldn't be more than a G
Disclaimer: Not Mine. MGM gets to play for real, I get to play in my head.
Summary: Vala's POV in the aftermath of Memento Mori
Thanks SO much to Erin for beta-ing. Amazingness.
Hope you all enjoy it! Let me know what you think! reviews are love after all.
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Wandering Soul: Found and Lost Again
She had been found. She was home. The shadows were receding, the storm was clearing, but sadly some things seemed even more uncertain than before. Her life more complex than she had imagined it to be. In the warehouse there was only Daniel, her feelings for him, and his for her. They had been raw, open, and spilling out onto the surface, impossible to deny or suppress. Now, after tonight, it seemed that his feelings were buried once again. She didn't know if she could do the same. Not anymore.
She had noticed it first in Daniel's office, after she had been released by Dr. Lam – he had pulled away, not the same man who had gently coaxed her towards the infirmary a mere hour ago. He had still smiled warmly, asking how she was and congratulating her on her new badges, but somehow the distance that separated them suddenly seemed much farther than the span of the room. Perhaps he was uncomfortable, more aware of the others around them now that she was safe. She couldn't be certain why, but it felt like more than the lab bench stood between them when she mentioned rescheduling their date. His reaction of denial had cut her deeply, though she automatically hid that from the rest of the team. After what she and Daniel had just been through, the emotion she had seen in the way he had looked at her, she had thought he might finally be ready for something more. Apparently she was wrong, and she hid that as best she could, focusing instead on finally being accepted into SG-1, so that her eyes would not well up at his continued refusal to admit that perhaps she meant something more to him than 'friend' and 'co-worker'.
Again, at the restaurant near Cameron's place, she felt the same distance. Sitting next to Daniel, the heat and presence of his solid body so close, only reminded her of what she longed for: the feeling of his arms around her making her feel not only accepted, but safe and wanted. As close as she was to him at the table, she had never felt as far away from him as she did during that meal. There was still a hole in her heart, she had thought being back here with him would help to mend it, but now it seemed he refused to try and fill it.
After dinner Daniel had offered to drive Samantha home – something about Jack arriving on a late flight that night – while Cameron returned with Vala and Teal'c to the SGC. She had been glancing at Cameron from the front seat of the car as he drove, but when he noticed her continued gaze she refused to explain to him why she was observing him so intently. She remained silent, contemplating what had happened earlier that day. Vala remembered that when she had first seen Cameron as she climbed out of the flipped car she had paused in surprise thinking he had been the man from her dreams. He and Daniel really did look similar, though she could see now up close they weren't as alike as she had originally thought. Emotionally, she had quickly realised they were not the same at all. Cameron was confident and strong – even without her memories intact she had felt a sort of safety with him – though she had still been suspicious when she couldn't remember the things he was telling her about the Stargate and SG-1. However she was not drawn to him – to his face – as she had been drawn to the man that had visited her each night in her mind's eye. She didn't ache for the presence of this man as she did the man she now knew was Daniel. There was a quality about Daniel, a perpetual innocence under all the scars and pain that made her want to protect him, while at the same time his own confidence and experience made her wish for his protection as well. She was quiet, lost in thought, the rest of the way to the base and while Teal'c and Cameron noticed her uncharacteristic silence, they knew they were not the ones to talk to her about what had happened – so they too refused to break the heavy silence that filled the car.
Back at the base Vala looked around the room – her room, she reminded herself – and tried to remember more about her time here. Going with the team tonight had helped her regain much of her memory. She was happy to celebrate her acceptance onto SG-1 but as the night wore on, more and more of her life began to appear in her mind, bits and pieces floating to the surface. She had mentioned it to both Samantha and Daniel and they seemed very happy. However, Vala wasn't sure whether she was glad or not. Her memories of being taken by Quetesh had struck her suddenly at the restaurant and she had been forced to excuse herself to the washroom for a time. She had been overwhelmed with the images, with what 'she' had done, and the feelings of helplessness and guilt that characterised that chapter of her life. Her friends had shot worried glances after her but still felt that it was best she remembered. Memories of other pieces of her life, like those of Tomin crept in more slowly, the wisps and fragments of fractured memory slowly coalescing into a whole. Tomin's role in her life, as well as the existence of Adria and the Ori, clawed at her mind now. There was so much confusion in her life, so many dangers and painful losses. While it may have been frightening not knowing anything about her past while she was working at the diner, her life then had been simple and manageable. Her real life shocked her now, and as she had said to the detective at the police station, she was no longer sure she wanted to know everything about herself.
A little while later, Daniel came to check on her. He too had noticed that she had been quiet that night, so unlike her, though understandable considering what she had been through. Despite the walls he attempted to hold up, his worry shone through as he looked at her sitting cross-legged on the bed. Her face held an expression that seemed tired and more than a little defeated as she attempted to absorb the details of her difficult life. All the things from her past that she had put behind her were suddenly and sharply brought to the forefront. The conversation was awkward, Daniel trying to be as comforting as possible, while still holding back – the word 'date' still echoing in his ears causing his own inner turmoil that vaguely mirrored Vala's. Vala was hesitant as well, still trying to figure out what walls she was going to rebuild between them, which ones had already been taken down, and where they were all to be placed. She longed again for the moment in the warehouse when there had been no barriors at all. But she knew now that it could not be that way. Not here. Not now. As the evening wore on Vala's mood did not improve, and realising the futility of his presence Daniel said good night, closing the door quietly behind him.
Vala remained alone on the bed. Daniel's presence had been more comforting than he had imagined it to be, but it had also been troubling. She had to face her feelings now, and the more time she spent with him the harder it was not to break down and fall into his arms. Until now she had been keeping her feelings for him deep inside – in shadow, easier to ignore, to deny that way. She had of course flirted with him, it was her nature, but it was also an attitude that had been developed to survive. The Vala that was deep inside, the one that had been exposed when all the weight of her past was lifted off of her shoulders was far more innocent. That Vala was still childlike, her emotions simmering close to the surface, as they had been in the warehouse when she had known only her emotions for Daniel and not the confusion that surrounded them and their lives. The experience in the warehouse that day had shone a light on her true feelings for Daniel, and she could no longer hide them away, at least not from herself. They would have to remain hidden from the world though. The more time she spent with Daniel the more she remembered why those feelings had been buried in the first place. He was not ready, and she wasn't sure if she was either. She also now knew that if they were to work together on SG-1, he would not easily accept the type of relationship she longed for. The way he acted when he noticed the presence of others displayed that much. The way he believed he was expected to act overshadowed the way he – she desperately hoped after today – wanted to act. The backwardness of this planet frustrated her to no end. This was not the life she had wanted to return to.
When she was lost he had been her rock, her constant, her shelter. She had hoped ardently to return to a life with this man, which she saw now was not reality, but her own dreams still left unfulfilled. So as she had done before, she pushed her emotions to the back of her mind, though she could not push them as far as she once had. Some walls could not be rebuilt; some things could not be hidden once exposed.
She numbly changed into her pajamas and climbed into the soft double bed. Until tonight, when she had prepared to fall asleep she had tried her hardest to focus on her memories, her life before, on the man she now knew had been Daniel. Of its own accord, her mind surrounded her with the feeling of Daniel's arms and assaulted her with the image of his face smiling down at her softly. All she could do was shut her brimming eyes and try her very best to push it all away.