Without You

By the Almighty SporkGoddess

I slowly walked along the bustling Neo Hong Kong streets. Normally I would have been hurrying; either having a Gundam Fight to attend or a particular Gundam fighter to keep my eye on. But now my "reign" as Neo Japan's crew was over. I was finished. Finished with the tedium of fixing a robot. Finished with the emotional upheaval my former partner gave me. Some good, some bad. Whatever it was, I was now finished with it.

Finished with him.

Without you
The ground thaws
The rain falls
The grass grows


Without you
The seeds root
The flowers bloom
The children play

What did I see in this guy, anyway? I had asked myself in the bar how I could love a man whom had put me through so much. He had hurt me so much with his emotional, verbal in one case, physical, abuse. And still I had stuck by his side. Still I had cared for him.

Still, I had loved him.

The stars gleam
The poets dream
The eagles fly
Without you

The earth turns
The sun burns
But I die
Without you

How could he do this to me? I had been by his side no matter what. I had defended him from the Neo Japanese government. I had taken his retorts and childish temper tantrums with good humor and patience. Then they had stopped for a while, and I had thought that maybe, just maybe, there was a chance... maybe he had fallen...

No, what am I saying? There's no possible chance. It was a temporary thing, a brief lapse from his treating me like his babysitter and more like his equal, his friend, he had cared for me, I know he had. During that brainwave transmission, he had been thinking of me. He had taken my hand. How could he not have felt the same way I had? During that time, it was easy for me to see why I had fallen in love with him in the first place.

Without you
The breeze warms
The girl smiles
The cloud moves

But then just as quickly as it had appeared, his change in attitude towards me disappeared, and was replaced by indifference towards me and affection for a certain female Gundam Fighter who was smitten with Domon, a girl named Allenby. Unlike whatever the hell he felt for me, his feelings towards her were quite candid. He liked her… he had a thing for her. And she had a thing for him.

So where had this left me?

Alone. More alone than I had been before he had warmed up to me, when he had made cryptic remarks, when I had just been the woman that followed him around, nagged him, and fixed his Gundam. Before I had known that I loved him, and I could convince myself that what I felt towards him was just the remains of an old childhood friendship.

Without you
The tides change
The boys run
The oceans crash

The crowds roar
The days soar
The babies cry
Without you

But now, I knew that what I felt for him was love; a love so deep that leaving him was beyond the question, even when he pushed me aside for Allenby.

The moon glows
The river flows
But I die
Without you

It had been hard to deal with, sure. But I had been able to do it, with the assurance that he had never been mine to lose. If he had never been mine to lose, why regret what could not be? He liked Allenby and she liked him. I was just in this because my father and the government had forced me to. I would stay, be his crew, and then I could leave quietly and move on, regardless of what I felt for him.

I knew that moving on was impossible, but by then I had gotten quite good at lying to myself, you see. And it had worked, for a little while at least.

The world revives
Colors renew

But I know blue
Only blue
Lonely blue
Within me, blue
Without you

But then something had happened. I had made a huge error of judgement, and that error cost me his trust. The trust that I had slowly gained throughout the year vanished. Vanished along with Allenby and the wretched helicopter that had claimed to be part of the hospital

When he had found out, he had been angry - very angry. He said that I didn't deserve to be on his crew, and when I tried to follow him he pushed me to the ground. He actually hurt me... oh, it wasn't that painful physically. But mentally it was agony.

How could I love him after all of this? How could I feel sorry for him instead of for myself? How could I allow my dignity to be sacrificed with just one ruthless shove?

Without you
The hand gropes
The ear hears
The pulse beats

Without you
The eyes gaze
The legs walk
The lungs breathe

The mind churns
The heart yearns
The tears dry
Without you

I don't think I'll ever know why I love him. I don't think I'll ever know why I can't stop loving him. I don't know if I want to know these reasons... sometimes you just have to accept that there are things in life that just are, without any cause of being so.

Life goes on
But I'm gone
Cause I die

I love him. I always will. I just have to accept it, even though he's gone, even though any chance I ever had has dissipated. Even though my love will be unrequited, I will love him, without conditions.

Without you
Without you
Without you

Without you




Author's Note: This is what happens when I listen to Rent all day… I know I've already done the Rain episode 39 angst thing, but I didn't do it from this aspect… while in my other one she's just really bitter/angsty, in this she's kind of defeated and admitting "He's a prick, but I love him anyway." The song, as you should know by now, is from Rent. I thought that it fit rather well, don't you think so? ^^; Then again, I always think up songs that fit things. This was an accident, I was just listening to the song and then gasped "HEY! That's kind of like Rain after episode 39!" Then I sat down and wrote this listening to that song the entire time… it's soo sad… *sniffles*

Anyway, I hope that you guys liked it, I had lots of fun writing it. ^^;;

Disclaimer: All I own is the angsty writing and the idea of pairing the song and the characters! G Gundam is owned by Bandai, The song is from Rent, which is owned by the ingenious Jonathon Larson, and which you should all go see right now!